emme99

I've been drinking tonight. And I failed the November class, and I am not going to join December. I don't want to drink. I don't want to cut down, I want to stop. I will maybe join January's class. I am under so much pressure, and I know it is not an excuse, but that is what I have lived for so long. I love Christmas, and I want to make it perfect for my family, and I am afraid this will be the last Christmas with my Mom, and I am trying hard to make it perfect. she has stage 4 cancer, and the chemo has stopped working. They are trying a "new" pill but she had to have blood transfusions last Tuesday, which delayed her next round of the drug, and an MRI today. I am afraid I will miss something, or fail someone, or just not do something right. And I want Christmas to be perfect, and happy for everyone. And I drink to try and make myself feel better, but I don't feel better. I feel awful, like I can't do anything right. And I hate myself for it. I know I will regret posting this in the morning, but this is what I feel right now. I don't know how to get through things without drinking, And the meetings I go to, although I love them, they just make me want to drink because that is what I do in any social situation. I am beginning to feel like I am a lost cause, and I don't really even want to try anymore.

january161992

praying for you emme

youre not alone

God bless

emme99

january, thank you I need prayer because I don't know how else I am going to be able to get through this. I am praying hard every day. Thank you again, I appreciate it a lot.

FreedomCA

It felt hopeless as well for me when I was still drinking and could not get my sobriety to stick. Reading recovery books and books on spirituality finally got me over the hump.

Vinificent

Dear Emme, I could have wrote your post nearly word for word last year at this time. Stress and the pursuit of perfection were what caused me to spiral to a place so dark I rarely ever speak of it. I can tell you that once I was able to stay sober for just a couple days, the stress and anxiety began to lessen. We need to accept that it will never go away, but we can't let it control us. You ARE doing the very best you can do for your family - make that your mantra. Have a list ready of things you need to get done so that whenever a craving hits, not only are you avoiding drinking but you are chipping away at the "to do" list that is a major stressor to begin with. Give yourself a break...if the most you can do on any given day is not drink, so be it. You can do this and it will get better!
Positive power to you 🤗

Flossyteacake

I know it's hard losing a parent to cancer. My mum died of a brain tumor when I was nearly 8 months pregnant with my first child (Child 1 was actually due on my mum's birthday - happily she was overdue). My FiL has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer; my husband will need to go back to the UK (where we're from) at some point over Christmas. My family's Christmas will not be perfect. It will suck. Badly. Cancer is like that, I know from experience. The best thing I can do to support my family through it is be sober. It won't be easy, but it's better than the alternative. Perfection is not obtainable. Sobriety is. My thoughts are with you.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for all you have on your plate emme - but I would be a friend if I didn't point out that a perfect Xmas can only come from people like you and me staying sober.

I was privileged to reconnect with an old mate of mine when he was struck down with cancer (melanoma).

I'd been sober a few years by then and I'm so glad I was able to be with him, to reminisce, to celebrate and laugh, to give hope, and then when hope was finally lost, to say goodbye.

I would not have done any of that drinking - I would have run away into a bottle.

I really really hope that you'll not only continue to use SR throughout this moment, but that you'll stay sober too Emme. I believe you can do it.

D

Lorax1981

Hi emme-
Just wanted to send you my love and prayers. I believe in you.
-ted

Merigold

I know how you feel..

I don't have any pearls of wisdom, since I'm not sober myself YET. But I appreciate reading because I learn when I do.

I hope things get better for you.

SummerBee

I love that, Flossyteacake. 'Perfection is not obtainable. Sobriety is.'

We should all take the pressure off of ourselves to be perfect for everyone else. We seem to accept other people's imperfections but feel the need to prove ourselves over and over when we start to recover. I suspect its the inbuilt guilt machine that we all carry around with us.

Lets all just try to be ourselves, care for our families and take the pressure off a bit this xmas. Do they not just want us sober......not impossibly perfect ?

doggonecarl

How is drinking doing that for your family? It probably isn't. The drinking is about you and the way you want to feel. You say you drink because you don't want to feel awful.

Your mom has cancer. You have every right to feel awful. Feel awful, sober.

STDragon

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom.

I lost my mom to cancer in November 2013. It was a long battle. In hindsight I feel that I lost a lot of time with mom because I wasn't 'present'.

I have pressure and stresses, of a different kind, in my life that caused me to drink more. I wondered how I was going to cope with that now that I'm quitting. It was probably just my AV talking, 'cause I discovered that those stresses are easier to cope with than I thought.

Again, I'm sorry for what your going thru. My thoughts are with you and your mom. Take care.

PhoenixJ

emme, I have nothing but empathy for you, your mum and family. Drinking really will not help you though. The pain will still be there waiting. Wanting a perfect xmas is great. Try to think about having a good Christmas for you. That is why you posted here is it not- for support? To reach out. Well you have them here. The not drinking part- that is up to you. At the final stage of your mum's painful journey- for yourself, would you not prefer to remember having quality time? To cry, laugh, share. To connect. All drinking did for me at distressful times like that (and there have been a few) was make everything more intense. I really hope you stay safe and think about the wise words others have shared here. Think about not drinking for yourself. That way you can be more available to your mum- so you can be involved.
My prayers go out to you and your family at this difficult time. Remember- as alcies- we are strong together when we share with each other. PJ.

Nowsthetime

Perfect is boring!!!!

Plus what is perfect? It's so subjective...

Drinking IS going to ruin all your plans. How about being present for your family this important time of the year?

It will be worth it to spend time SOBER with your mom.

Stick around here, post when you have a craving and build a plan.

You ca do it!!!

August252015

Welcome- glad you posted. It is brave- and hard- to start sharing our stories, and you made a first step.

Hope you will use SR- you already know about the class of threads- and choose to have your first sober holiday season. I haven't lost a parent YET (they are 71, though, and while mostly healthy have some issues already) ....I DO know that every person in my home group and other groups (I am in AA) who speaks about loss of a spouse, parent, child or other loved one who was sober during that time is eternally grateful that they were.

Best to you and your family for a different kind of holiday season.

Winslow

((Hugs)) Emme

entropy1964

No one, nothing is perfect. Try to let go of that.....'it' will be what it will be. Acceptance that you are good, just the way you are. Really try to repeat that to yourself.

Unfortunately people die. It sucks. Cancer sucks. My husband died 5 years ago and there was nothing I could do....it sucked. But being drunk? I regret very much the times I was. My parents will not be around much longer....it is just something I have to accept.

Remember that no one expects you to make everything perfect. You put that pressure on yourself.

Hang in there.

emme99

Thanks everyone~

Flossyteacake , Dee, Frickaflip233, STDragon, thanks for sharing and I am sorry for your losses.

Vinificent, thanks for the "to do" list suggestion. I have started a list.

Thank you everyone for your responses, suggestions & encouragement, I appreciate it a lot

PurpleKnight

Sorry to hear about your mom Emme!!

Continuing to drink though is just putting it off and digging yourself into a deeper hole to dig yourself out of in January, don't put off what you can do today, join the December class, recommit to Sobriety and go for it.

Your perfect Xmas this year can be you enjoying time with your mom and family and not missing a moment of the experience, don't let alcohol continue to rob you from experiencing that, some of the moments, some of the experiences, the memories, as it will if you let it!!

SR is in your corner!!

graciepearl

you are not a lost cause none of us are. The only time we lose is when we give in to the drink. Be there for your family and cherish every sober moment even the painful ones. Pain may not seem like a gift but it is one of the gifts of sobriety also