lovetolisten

Long story short, exchanged numbers with a person in the meetings, he relapsed, lost his housing and is asking me for $$. I have already jumped through some hoops to pick him up from a bad situation 45 minutes away and already loaned $.

How do I handle this? Honestly, I don't want to take any more of his calls or loan $, I've got my own problems right now. But I also don't want to be unsupportive.

No experience with this, what's the protocol

Irnldy001

I take a hard line on this. I don't give money to fellow AA'ers. I will give a ride. I will give advice. I will hand out the contact info of job recruiters I know. I draw a firm line.

Dee74

You're under no obligation to help anyone if you don't want to, or if its detrimental to your recovery.

You're certainly never under any obligation to 'lend' money.

If he's becoming a nuisance I'd encourage him to reach out to other people as well - including food banks and state housing.

D

jeffrey542016

Stop it...he is using u.. That's what we alcoholic \addicts do. ....it's his recovery.work on u....good luck.

lovetolisten

Thanks all, I knew SR would have the answer on this

january161992

from aa.org

What AA does not do
AA does not:

Furnish initial motivation for alcoholics to recover
Solicit members
Engage in or sponsor research
Keep attendance records or case histories
Join "councils" of social agencies
Follow up or try to control its members
Make medical or psychological diagnoses or prognoses
Provide drying-out or nursing services, hospitalisation, drugs, or any medical or psychiatric treatment
Offer religious services
Engage in education about alcohol
Provide housing, food, clothing, jobs, money or any other welfare or social services
Provide domestic or vocational counselling
Accept any money for its services, or any contributions from non-AA sources
Provide letters of reference to parole boards, lawyers, court officials, social agencies, employers, etc.

CAPTAINZING2000

Unless your name is I was going to say Wells Fargo but their crooks

J.P Morgan

I'll offer to buy someone something to eat that's the extent of it

To illustrate this

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gyk55GYnGl0

Maudcat

I try not to lend, but like you I have been approached by someone in one of my meetings. I only lend dollars that I am comfortable not getting back, as, given the givens, I probably won't be repaid. So if someone asks me for $100, I give them $25 and move on. As others have said, it is not that you are being unsupportive, you are simply defining a boundary. I'd be straight, and kind if possible, with him, though. Tell him you are not going to lend him more money. You won't hear from him again, I would bet.

FreeOwl

Nope

wpainterw

Was once approached by a fellow after an AA meeting. He told me his troubles and asked for a "loan". I think I may have slipped him $5. Never saw him again. After I "loaned" him the money he opened his briefcase and pulled out a pint bottle of vodka and asked, "Mind if I take a drink?" I said I didn't mind but didn't want to share. Mentioned it later to another AA member and he said that alcoholics often go to "Open" AA meetings just to do the "loan" routine in the aftermath to help with their drinking budget. Of course saying that could itself be a cynical disincentive to real Christian charity. You never know....Loaning money may lose a potential friend. It's happened to me. "Never a borrower nor a lender be!" (I guess Polonius was unpopular in the Danish banking business)
When we lived in a large city there was a fellow who always showed up for a handout on Christmas Eve. Said he had no place to sleep and that his wife and babies were in the car outside (often I saw no car). If I refused he would sing Christmas carols through the mail slot. Often I'd shove a five dollar bill through the slot. Was I a Scrooge, or worse, an Enabling Scrooge? "God [help] us all!," said Tiny Tim!

Bill

CAPTAINZING2000

I've heard some interesting stories on the responses people get while seeing people holding signs will work for food!

(Man holds up a cardboard sign: WILL WORK FOR FOOD)

NORMAL GUY: Hey, I'll give you $20 to mow my lawn.

SIGN GUY: Why should I WORK FOR FOOD when people give me money for holding up this sign?

least

Tell him the bank is closed for good. Don't feel bad for refusing to 'help'. You are just not available to be taken advantage of.

2muchpain

I went through that many times until I finally started figuring things out. I had to learn to say no. Otherwise, some people will use you until you have nothing left. One guy kept showing up a different meetings, always hitting me up for something. Finally told they guy I have to take care of myself first. Never saw the guy after that. Like I said, gotta learn to say no. If you do "loan" someone money, consider it a gift. Easier to live with. Boundaries. John

Eddiebuckle

L2L,

I have a friend I met in rehab who has relapsed horrifically. After multiple attempts to "help" him without enabling him, I got a very simple piece of advice from my grand sponsor: "your job is to carry the message, not the mess."

In my experience it is a fools errand to attempt to help someone who is clearly running from the consequences of their choices. Buy them lunch, listen, take them to meetings, but don't try to "fix" - it only allows them to kick the can a little further down the road and avoid facing the results of their choices. Nothing good will come of it.

hellrzr

First off I have to give the standard line, please talk to your sponsor about the situation. If you don't have a sponsor get one and then talk to them about the situation!

That being said, sounds like you just ran into one of the bad members of AA. NO ONE is AA should be asking anyone for a loan or anything else other than an offer to help you figure out your thinking (drinking) problem. Unfortunately there are many people who go to AA meetings to try to take advantage of others. My suggestion would be to stay clear of this person for the foreseeable future. If you continue to see them around meetings and they seem to be getting their stuff together and you want to offer help (not financial but a friendly ear and giving rides too) later at some point then good for you. As of now though this person is just looking to take advantage of you so please don't fall for it! Your kindness is going to do nothing but hurt them in the long run.

wpainterw

2muchpain:
I have at various times made "gifts" of money, once to a dog groomer so she could keep a horse which had belonged to her daughter, killed without her daughter's fault in a car accident. Fortunately we remain good friends. I had a cynical friend who said, "No good deed ever goes unpunished". What does this do to simple Christianity? Dogs are better than people. I rescued an English Setter from a home which was treating her badly and took her out to a pond, watched her running happily round and round chasing rabbits.Poetry. The sun was shining on us both! The years passed and I had to put her to sleep back in 1992 since she had grown old and was in pain. It broke my heart. Her ashes and dog collar rest on my bedroom bookshelf as I write this.
I am not talking about AA, only simple charity to friends and the hazards it presents. No dog or horse has broken off a friendship with me because of kindness. I cannot say that of all humans. It is better to provide help "anonymously" as the ex prisoner did in Dickens' "Great Expectations". If friendship means much to you, never disclose your identity.

W.

sg1970

Carry the message, not the alcoholic

MIRecovery

I'm not your banker, lawyer, psychologist, doctor or marriage counselor. I can share my story, strength and hope but nothing more. I am here to carry the message not the alcoholic. These were the wise words of an old timer at one of my meetings

lovetolisten

I'm really glad I asked this question. I am pretty naive in general, and am very new to the AA culture. I am going to say no in the future with confidence. It will be good for me - I allow people to take advantage of me and cross boundaries, then am bitterly resentful. That's gotta go in my new sober life.

Come to the think of it, when I drove a long way to and fro and gave money before, I don't remember getting a thank you

wpainterw

P.S. Googling the witty and cynical saying, "No good deed ever goes unpunished", one finds Clare Booth Luce and, interestingly Oscar Wilde, whom it sounds to me was the original culprit. Typical of him, such as another, where a Bishop says, "Whatever made you think that being a Bishop has anything to do with religion!" or perhaps Trollope in his book, "The Warden", where the bishop remarks with some astonishment of the saintly Warden, that "It does seem that he may be given to sudden episodes of Spirituality!"