LifeChanges

But what about if you are married, how do you navigate that with sobriety. And then with kids. No focusing on yourself, there's just no time

PhoenixJ

LC- sorry I am unsure of what you mean by 'that'? My first and primary focus in my first year of recovery HAS to be MY sobriety.

LifeChanges

You didn't understand what I meant?
By that, cleary I mean the relationship. If I'm making major changes then it's "new", even tho I've been married for a very long time. I just wonder if it's harder for attached people to reevaluate their relationships or to be single and steer clear or any new relationships

Dee74

I think the idea is no unnecessary changes - so as to cut down stress and other common drinking triggers.

There are going to be changes in most peoples lives that first year.

Lots of the members here are married and sober.

It's certainly not a deal breaker

whats your communication like with your partner?

Berrybean

I found that recovery work invariably takes up less time than drinking did. I can't remember the last time I did 8 hours straight recovery work on a Saturday. Or stayed up til 4 am doing recovery work. Or was unable to mentally navigate household chores because of recovery. Or was emotionally completely unavailable for others because of recovery. Not after the first draining weeks / months were over anyway. It was shocking how much that initial hit of sobriety hit me, but then , I wasn't actually engaging in a recovery plan then. I was just staying sober. If i do that little bit of specific focussed work each day, and then spend the rest of the day applying the principles of AA to all areas of my life, then things are always easier than when I don't.


It's bloody irritating, but my (still drinking ) partner can soon tell when I haven't done the work, and will ask "are you working your program today?" (Part of my program is not to respond to verbal challenges with random acts of violence, so he lives to tell the tale). Irritating as those comments are, it's nice that he feels he can make them nowadays without setting off WWIII.

And regarding new relationships, yes, people suggest not to do so for a number of reasons. But you don't need to be thinking about that - as with other things, comparisons aren't really helpful. Maybe start with some gratitude instead. I know people who lost their partner and their kids through drinking and never got them back. One lady I know, still, 15 odd years sober and her kids have never spoken to her since they were relinquished from her care due to her alcoholism. Another girl has recently, after 9 years without her son, been overjoyed to be reintroduced to him.

Recovery is never about making the world fit us. It's about learning to deal with life. On life's terms, not our own. We really need to watch for wishful thinking. Those 'what if...s.', 'if only...s' are just crying for the moon, and are like sowing ourselves our own little resentment patch. And resentments grow wilder than rhubarb once they take hold.

As you grow in sobriety, daily challenges will get easier, as long as you work on your recovery and learn, learn, learn. Honestly, I really do think that I learned more in the first 18 months of sobriety (through the people on here, and the people in AA, and doing ny step work) than I did in the equivalent time at Uni.

Keep on going. If you spend even half the time in recovery that you'd have spent preparing to drink, drinking, and clearing up the physical, mental, emotional, financial and social debris from drinking things will work out. You will benefit and so will your family. It may not always be easy, but it is always worth it.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

OpioPhobe

I tried to get sober / clean while I was still married, and I failed repeatedly. That relationship was completely broken, and I was too stubborn to admit it. Things are SO much easier now that I am no longer in that marriage. There are bad days now, but it is nothing like the nightmare from before.

However, I did completely ignore the advice about no new relationships in the first year. When I starting asking people for their personal experience on this I discovered that very few people actually followed that advice. I was terribly lonely after leaving my marriage, and I am not sure I would have made it if I had followed that advice.

I am not sure there is an answer to your question about reevaluating an existing relationship versus being single. They both have pros and cons.

FreeOwl

I think I hear you struggling with the HOW of recovery in an established relationship when the time and focus it takes to be in a family isn't something you can just set aside.

I have children, and I got sober while in a relatively new relationship with a woman who has a child. The child is now my step son and the woman now my wife.

I live a very hectic life with three children, two dogs, a demanding career and a lot of tendency to over-commit. But, I am nearly three years sober and I tended to my recovery while in a new relationship and while juggling all the responsibilities and still tending to my family.

I did have to ensure a daily focus on recovery, and on self care in the form of therapy, exercise, AA, SR, reading about recovery, journaling, changing my habits and being present and aware of my own emotions. It wasn't easy, but it was well worth it and my whole family benefitted from it.

You can absolutely do it.

doggonecarl

As Berrybean said, if you had time to drink, you have time to get sober.

If you make your marriage and family a barrier to your recovery, they will be.

Illuminate

I'm more curious about the perspective on this if you're single, unmarried, no kids, and coming at a new relationship from that point of view.

I was talking to my sponsor about this last night as I may have a date coming up of my own. And he was saying, essentially, to be really careful. But he didn't say "no". And part of that was...if you enter recovery already in a relationship, which is certainly going to be the case for a large number of people (possibly the majority), nobody tells you to break it off with your SO and THEN start the recovery process.

My head isn't yet completely cleared on my biggest triggers, and I don't yet see the "big picture", but after breaking up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago (which I really didn't want), I'm starting to realize that maybe it was a really bad relationship for me. I wasn't happy, and I certainly wasn't comfortable in it. I can definitely see how a relationship can be a trigger for alcohol abuse, but at the same time, I think that's only true of a BAD relationship. Imagine if you found an extremely supportive, caring, loving woman who was everything you were looking for? I can't imagine how that could be a bad thing for your recovery.

I do get that it shifts your focus away from yourself. At the same time, I've always strongly believed that, even when in a relationship, I still need to take care of and listen to my own needs, even before catering to the needs of my partner. That wouldn't be any different in recovery.

sg1970

The majority of people in my AA homegroup did it. I did it while married, with 2 kids, wife working, and running 2 businesses.

You have to make it happen. Best wishes in your recovery.

totfit

First off, not everyone takes a year off of relationships during their first year of recovery. That is a guide to keep folks from "doing something stupid" in my humble opinion and it is in no way a rule. A bad relationship started in the first year can contribute to a relapse.

Recovery to me is not necessarily focusing on one's self to the point of being "selfish". Gosh, I have not attended AA in quite some time, but I knew people with years of sobriety that still went to 7 meetings a week that were "focusing on recovery". In my opinion, this is not recovery, but avoidance of wife, family, and in some cases reality. I think recovery is about taking care of one's self, but at the same time getting out of yourself and contributing to society, which starts with family. Dealing with wife and kids/family is not always easy. It can be the biggest joy, but also a big pain at times. That however is life. I stopped drinking so that I could "live". Drinking kept me from dealing with family and most everything else in any healthy way, because when I drank, I drank and had no other options.

Certainly, everyone needs their own space from time to time and we do need to focus on our needs. We just need to be careful that we are not using "recovery" as an excuse to be selfish. That is what "I" did when drinking.

HTown

#Illuminate

You say you just broke up a few weeks ago and I have a date. I see why your therapist cautioned you.

You need to be comfortable in your own skin. A complete person before entering into a relationship. If you told me you just broke up, but had no sobriety issues, I would say go ahead.

A bad relationship can be a trigger to drink, but a good one can be as well. The drinking problem is not due to your circumstances, it is how you deal with circumstances. If you have a drinking problem, you could be married to the most wonderful woman in the world and you would still have the drinking problem.

Abusing alcohol is progressive, we hear it all the time from folks here. It only gets worse as you go on.

You need to resolve fully in your mind that you have addressed the problems that bring you here before entering into a relationship. You are not a whole man. Any woman wants a full and equal partner. You are much sexier if you have self-confidence, hobbies, and have it all-together.

Quitting for that one great woman never works IMHO. You have to quit for you .

I always say it takes about 3 months for every year you were in the last relationship to reestablish a new one. If this is Friends with benefits, then do as you will, but a long-lasting partnership, wait.

OpioPhobe

I agree with you so long as the relationship wasn't prioritized over recovery. By that, I mean allowing your partner to become your Higher Power. Some people in early relationships come to rely on the relationship too heavily for their happiness and security. If a romantic interest interfered with your ability to develop a relationship with your Higher Power that would be a bad thing.

That was the only argument I heard against early relationships that even seemed plausible to me. By working the steps I didn't have to worry about that happening.

shortstop81

I'm in early recovery and I'm open to the prospect of a new relationship. But I'm gonna be darn well cautious about it, and be up front with any potential partner about my recovery-based lifestyle.

Recovery and building a romantic connection are not mutually exclusive, IMO. Just speaking for myself.

Dee74

I found an extremely supportive caring loving woman who was everything I was looking for....I found her at a bad time though.

I was still 10 years off recovery. I didn't drink or smoke pot as much when I was with her, sure, but those addictions and my neediness, selfishness and lack of self confidence was still enough to drive her away.

I had to fix myself...looking to someone else to fix me is too much of a weight for anyone to bear - especially if we profess to love them.

D

sg1970

I have a little different take on the "no new relationships" advice. It took me a solid year, if not longer, for my head to clear. I also changed a lot thanks to a lot of recovery work. I am not the same person that I was when I was newly sober. For those reasons I would suggest waiting.

I was on the other end of the spectrum. I was determined to get a divorce when I quit drinking. Now, over 2 years later, i'm very glad I listened to the guys who suggested "no unnecessary changes".

Delilah1

Hello,

I will have 11 months sober in a few hours, and I am married, have three kids, and work full time.

I have definitely been more present in all aspects of my life during the past 11 months. I try to fit in time for myself to go for a walk each day, even if it is around the soccer field during practice, or in between getting them to gymnastics, theater, or wherever else.

My husband has been a little trickier, he still drinks every night. He does not drink to excess most nights, but every now and then he does. It made me a little bonkers in the beginning, and I don't like the smell of alcohol near me now (which is quite amusing since I probably smelled that way for many years). I think the key with marriage is you really do have to take a step back and focus on you and your sobriety. Make the time for reading, journaling, posting on here, going to meetings,whatever it may be.

You can do this!!!