Anna

This disease is relentless and diabolical.

hpdw

Yes Anna , 4 or 5 swear words +" it is ".

We all know someone . There's a wee guy who is a pal of my youngest son . The lad let me call him B , was for ever at my door totally out of his mind on drink . Me alcoholic me the in the closet me never really gave the lad B any kind of welcome .
Im delighted lad B has not touched a drink for nearly 8 Months ,he's got a job and doing great , I wish I had given him more of my time in stead of looking down at him when he was in trouble .

We should never be smug

Fly N Buy

Here's some really good advice........

Behappy1

I 100% understand how you feel. I cannot touch a drop of alcohol and I know it. Yet I still chose too over and over and over again. The guilt, shame, humiliation the next day is NEVER worth it. Ever. For me the cravings are all mental. I also feel like once the thought of drinking for that day is cemented in my mind, there is no stopping the thought process. Or at least I haven't yet figured it out. Try not to beat yourself up. If this were easy we wouldn't need a forum such as this. If anything,yesterday was a great reminder of why you don't drink anymore.

hpdw

" You never miss the water till the well runs dry "

I didn't realise how nice sobriety was until I woke up shaking, sweating full of fear .

Just a thought .

Behappy1

And the panic, the regret, shame, sick to your stomach, can't hold much down. Starving, but cannot eat without throwing up. The look of disgust of those I've let down. Not able to remember much about the night before. The few hours of drinking are not worth an entire day of these feelings. Glad you're getting back on the horse. Life is much better sober.

hpdw

You describe it exactly as it happens , its horrible and not worth that few hours the night before .

Volshen

I made it 3 months .. longest I had ever made it without a drink.. then gave it up .. went right back to where I was. Don't hate yourself over drinking again but I would say also don't forgive yourself .. take this chance to sit and think about what happened and the big question .. why?

Dee74

I'm glad you're back Tom - there's some great advice here.

Have you worked out what you might do differently this time?

D

hpdw

I got through the day not too bad , its the mental side of this that bothers me , the fear and anxiety . in bed now for the past 2 hours reading till i fall asleep.

hpdw

Dee i,m thinking i need to change some things , working on it but too tired tonight .
Thanks

tomsteve

I need to work a program..........I should have posted or called some AA friends I know .


maybe its time to start working THE program of AA?
whenever i start working my program im getting closer to my next drink.
when i work aa's program i head farther away from my last drink.

Dee74

Take my advice and don't put it off too long...Change those things you're thinking about into decisive action

D

Fly N Buy

Good point

Mountainmanbob

Be careful and get back on the sober bus ASAP.

A few of my friends and one sober family member have went back out lately to once again test the waters and all say now that either they can't stop or they don't want to stop.

Your best time to escape is now.

M-Bob

Delilah1

I'm glad you came right back. What was working for you during those 28 days? Maybe try adding a little something to it.

hpdw

Had quite a restless sleep the first half of the night then got from 3 to 8 am quite sound . God I am so glad I am not feeling how I felt yesterday and so grateful to all you guys on SR for the very helpful advice .
I feel so hungry now so going to get some breakfast .

Thank you all again

Lenina

Thomas, there are no good times left in the bottle. Never will be again. Never. There's only misery, despair and pain. The AV is tricky and powerful. I picked up after eleven years. Because I wanted to. It was not fun. I did not relax or enjoy. I felt deep shame and loathing. It's not worth it.

December 1 I will have nine years of continuous sobriety. It's not always been easy, but I've never regretted a single sober day, even when it was sucky. The days pass. Just start over and keep building sober days into weeks and months and years.

Love from Lenina

Gottalife

Just to kick around a couple of ideas that have been mentioned...

You said you saw it coming. Is that a hindsight thing where you look back and realise all the signs were there? I could always do the hindsight thing, but in the middle of the build up, I was totally blind to what was happening. I could see how it happened but I could not see it happening.

On the other hand if you were blessed with the foresight to see what was about to happen, why did you not take preventive measures? When I see I am about to be hit by a bus , I just get out of the way. Why didn't that kind of defence save you.

It was mentioned to play the tape through. That is a good idea. It is what a sane person would do, how come you didn't?

Or maybe you did, but were able to dismiss it, on the basis that this time will be different, or something along those lines.

In AA we talk about at certain times having no effective mental defence against the insanity of the first drink. Thoughts that should protect us just don't come. When you mentioned it being your choice to pick up, is that really true? Sure it looks like that, but can you honestly say that you weighed all the evidence, considered all the facts, and then made a balanced and well justified choice to pick up, reached the same decision that any rational person would have done, or was it an act of pure insanity?

That is the nature of the illness and why AA is so focussed on finding a reliable defence in its program.

If it were me I'd be pleading not guilty on the grounds of insanity, and I would be looking at my choices in respect of the effort I will put into a recovery program.

hpdw

Lenina your an inspiration thank you so much and Congratulations tomorrow on 9 years .

Gottalife you pose some interesting questions and I've given your post a lot of thought . The truthful answer is confusing , with hindsight I was becoming less vigilant and listening to my AV but also in real time leading up to drinking I saw the little signs ,like hovering round the drink isle romanticising for a minute or two tool long or feeling down when others were having a drink . I just got weak with also so much negative stuff going on around me such as 2 brothers illness , then my Daughters Father in-law in ITU critical , then in the middle of a job move . Insanity took hold , it was so sudden I opened a bottle of my wife vodka and poured a big one filled it with coke and drank it in one mouthful then walked round to the store and bought beer , the rest isn't worth talking about . Its strange cause I thought I did enjoy the time doing this and we did have a laugh but a big part of me was worried and sad , its bloody insane , no laughing matter when I woke up .

Im grateful for your insightful post .