Another New Person
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Colorado
Posts: 6
Another New Person
Greetings. I am a 31 year old biochemist and I've been drinking since I was 19.
I'm sure my story is similar to a lot of people. I first started drinking with friends when I was 19. At that time, my drinking was limited by access and it wasn't too bad - just the weekends. After turning 21 I could by it myself, but it still remained mostly on the weekends. I played an MMORPG at the time, so I could fool myself about drinking alone by saying I was hanging out with my friends on the game. Over time I began to drink more and more during the week. I quit once for about six months back in 2009, but started up again around Christmas that year. Other than that, it's been pretty constant.
The last year, and specifically the last few months, have been the worst. For most of the time I've been drinking, it was every other night at worst. The past few months I've had more and more binges that last 3, 4, and even 5 nights in a row before having a night off (and almost always no more than one night off). If there is one good thing to come out of this downturn, its that I can't lie to myself about being a "functional" alcoholic anymore. I literally can't function properly anymore.
I've been lurking around and reading some of the other newcomers stories. It's strange how similar a lot of them are. But I think the part that somewhat surprised me is the secrecy. Most alcoholics I hear about are (obviously) the ones whose family knows about their addiction. I thought I was somewhat unique in keeping my addiction hidden from everyone. That has been one of the worst aspects of alcoholism for me, because it makes me antisocial. It makes me dread hearing an incoming text on my phone, because I just don't want to talk to anyone.
But I just got through a five night binge over the holiday break and I realize now that I can't quit drinking by myself. I'm hoping that SR can be one prong in a multi-pronged approach to finally getting sober.
Thanks for reading.
I'm sure my story is similar to a lot of people. I first started drinking with friends when I was 19. At that time, my drinking was limited by access and it wasn't too bad - just the weekends. After turning 21 I could by it myself, but it still remained mostly on the weekends. I played an MMORPG at the time, so I could fool myself about drinking alone by saying I was hanging out with my friends on the game. Over time I began to drink more and more during the week. I quit once for about six months back in 2009, but started up again around Christmas that year. Other than that, it's been pretty constant.
The last year, and specifically the last few months, have been the worst. For most of the time I've been drinking, it was every other night at worst. The past few months I've had more and more binges that last 3, 4, and even 5 nights in a row before having a night off (and almost always no more than one night off). If there is one good thing to come out of this downturn, its that I can't lie to myself about being a "functional" alcoholic anymore. I literally can't function properly anymore.
I've been lurking around and reading some of the other newcomers stories. It's strange how similar a lot of them are. But I think the part that somewhat surprised me is the secrecy. Most alcoholics I hear about are (obviously) the ones whose family knows about their addiction. I thought I was somewhat unique in keeping my addiction hidden from everyone. That has been one of the worst aspects of alcoholism for me, because it makes me antisocial. It makes me dread hearing an incoming text on my phone, because I just don't want to talk to anyone.
But I just got through a five night binge over the holiday break and I realize now that I can't quit drinking by myself. I'm hoping that SR can be one prong in a multi-pronged approach to finally getting sober.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome Polite Scoundrel. I think many of us believe that we have kept our drinking hidden much better than we really did. Successful or not, living a lie is very lonely.
Keep reading and posting. This place can be invaluable.
Keep reading and posting. This place can be invaluable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Politescoundrel - welcome to the forum. Excellent screen name by the way.
I hid my addiction for over a decade, and I was meticulously vigilant over that period. It eventually all caught up to me though. When everything finally came tumbling down around me in the end, my secret was revealed to everyone all at once. I doubt I would ever have confessed to my terrible secret voluntarily. It is a tremendous relief not to have to lead a double life any more.
I hid my addiction for over a decade, and I was meticulously vigilant over that period. It eventually all caught up to me though. When everything finally came tumbling down around me in the end, my secret was revealed to everyone all at once. I doubt I would ever have confessed to my terrible secret voluntarily. It is a tremendous relief not to have to lead a double life any more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Colorado
Posts: 6
Thanks for the welcomes.
I know I don't hide my addiction all that well, what with my sporadic behavior (get drunk and send ridiculous texts to people, then spend the next week ignoring the people I texted out of embarrassment, spending the whole weekend in my bedroom with the door closed, showing up to work late, etc).
I suppose that is one of the (many) reasons I decided to come here - it's easier for me to talk about this with strangers than it is friends and family.
After the bender I went on over the weekend I have a pretty bad hangover today, so I'm not going to be drinking tonight. Here is to making lemonade from that lemon and having this be day 1 of recovery.
I know I don't hide my addiction all that well, what with my sporadic behavior (get drunk and send ridiculous texts to people, then spend the next week ignoring the people I texted out of embarrassment, spending the whole weekend in my bedroom with the door closed, showing up to work late, etc).
I suppose that is one of the (many) reasons I decided to come here - it's easier for me to talk about this with strangers than it is friends and family.
After the bender I went on over the weekend I have a pretty bad hangover today, so I'm not going to be drinking tonight. Here is to making lemonade from that lemon and having this be day 1 of recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I did my best to hide my drinking too and I only drank at home, alone. However, hiding it became harder and harder as time went on. I ended up in the drinking, then feeling guilt & shame, so back to drinking to deal with the emotions. It's a nasty cycle.
Coming here is a good plan because we do understand how hard this is.
Coming here is a good plan because we do understand how hard this is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Picture this- a nice guy. Very smart- he drinks a lot. Lots of people tell him he is very smart 'cos he is. This guy think that because he is smart- he will be able to control his drinking and keep it all under wraps- still function. No one will be the wiser- 'cos he is very smart.
nope.
nope.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Good to meet you, PoliteScoundrel! It's great that you found us. It really helps to talk things over with people who understand what you're going through.
I started out as a social drinker too - many years ago. In the end, I found myself isolated and drinking 24/7 - my life was chaos. That's when I found SR and knew I didn't have to feel alone anymore. Glad you are here.
I started out as a social drinker too - many years ago. In the end, I found myself isolated and drinking 24/7 - my life was chaos. That's when I found SR and knew I didn't have to feel alone anymore. Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 103
Welcome! There is a lot of information on here to help you. One of the things that i leaned in treatment was HALT which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. If you feel a craving think about HALT and then attend to that instead. I spent my first year of sobriety sleeping and eating much of the time. I gained 40 pounds (laughingly refer to that as my 5th pregnancy) but stayed sober. Now, nearly 4 years later, I have lost most of that weight and have such a wonderful life. Good for you for reaching out for support!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 370
Welcome PoliteScoundrel. Great name by the way.
I started out drinking to be social and to have fun but ended up drinking at home alone. Alcoholism is a lonely disease. I think John Prine summed it up with the words to this song. I can sure relate to the words.
Well, tonight I'll throw a party
And I know who I'll invite
There's a strange and lonely person
With whom I'll spend this night
There'll be no old sad memories
To haunt me till I die
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
I've been introduced to many
People I don't understand
I've been in the house of lonely.
I've shook a thousand shaking hands
But tonight I'll be with someone
Who will look me in the eye
And in that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
At that party you'll see me when I was just a child
In a room full of happy with a heart so meek and mild
And that child will meet a ghost that will haunt him oh so bad
From a family of confusion pretending love they never had.
So, tonight I'll throw that party
And I know just what I'll do
Yes, I'll meet myself at midnight
And cry the whole night thru
Yeah, I'll meet that ghost of sadness
And he'll look me in the eye
And in that room there'll be that bottle
And me, myself and I
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
I started out drinking to be social and to have fun but ended up drinking at home alone. Alcoholism is a lonely disease. I think John Prine summed it up with the words to this song. I can sure relate to the words.
Well, tonight I'll throw a party
And I know who I'll invite
There's a strange and lonely person
With whom I'll spend this night
There'll be no old sad memories
To haunt me till I die
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
I've been introduced to many
People I don't understand
I've been in the house of lonely.
I've shook a thousand shaking hands
But tonight I'll be with someone
Who will look me in the eye
And in that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
At that party you'll see me when I was just a child
In a room full of happy with a heart so meek and mild
And that child will meet a ghost that will haunt him oh so bad
From a family of confusion pretending love they never had.
So, tonight I'll throw that party
And I know just what I'll do
Yes, I'll meet myself at midnight
And cry the whole night thru
Yeah, I'll meet that ghost of sadness
And he'll look me in the eye
And in that room there'll be that bottle
And me, myself and I
In that room there'll be a bottle
And me, myself and I
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,172
Welcome Polite Scoundrel. Great name, btw. Like many others, I began as a social drinker and ended up drinking daily at home, alone. SR was and still is a huge factor in keeping me sober.
Lots of great people and wisdom here.
Lots of great people and wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by PoliteScoundrel 
The last year, and specifically the last few months, have been the worst. For most of the time I've been drinking, it was every other night at worst. The past few months I've had more and more binges that last 3, 4, and even 5 nights in a row before having a night off (and almost always no more than one night off).
I've been lurking around and reading some of the other newcomers stories... I thought I was somewhat unique in keeping my addiction hidden from everyone. That has been one of the worst aspects of alcoholism for me, because it makes me antisocial. It makes me dread hearing an incoming text on my phone, because I just don't want to talk to anyone.
I've been lurking around and reading some of the other newcomers stories... I thought I was somewhat unique in keeping my addiction hidden from everyone. That has been one of the worst aspects of alcoholism for me, because it makes me antisocial. It makes me dread hearing an incoming text on my phone, because I just don't want to talk to anyone.
I also lurked here on and off for about a year and was surprised by the numbers of people that manage to keep it a secret. I too have hid my drinking incredibly well.
I don't think I'm in a position to offer any advice as although my drinking is less now it's still way too much, and I still hide it. I just want you to know that I can totally relate to your post and your definitely not alone.
Best of luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Colorado
Posts: 6
Thanks for the additional welcomes.
I had a long, sleepless, but sober night last night, wracked with anxiety. The anxiety has subsided somewhat today, but now I'm just feeling sleepy. I talked to someone this morning about joining a group, which I am going to give a try this week.
I think I'll be able to ride the wave of "making a big change in my life" for a few nights and not drink (the craving still hasn't hit me yet today), but I still dread the coming of Friday night. I know the craving will be hiding in the weekend.
I had a long, sleepless, but sober night last night, wracked with anxiety. The anxiety has subsided somewhat today, but now I'm just feeling sleepy. I talked to someone this morning about joining a group, which I am going to give a try this week.
I think I'll be able to ride the wave of "making a big change in my life" for a few nights and not drink (the craving still hasn't hit me yet today), but I still dread the coming of Friday night. I know the craving will be hiding in the weekend.
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