All I know is drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
All I know is drinking
Since I was in my teens. 42 now and the only time I didn't drink nearly everyday was during my two pregnancies. It all got worse seven years ago when my marriage began to fall apart.
Today is my first of sobriety. I attribute that to several things but before I get into that, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this forum. Last night I stayed up late reading some of your stories, and the compassionate responses and I felt inspired to do this, even though it's scary AF because I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be once I'm sober. I've used alcohol as a crutch, a lover and best friend, drug, escape, so many things. Even despite my strength today, I already ask myself how I'm going to live without it.
But it's gotten so bad. I'm don't embarrass myself much anymore out in public. I did go through those days, but mostly I drink alone in my room,
sometimes getting drunk enough to email my ex boyfriend or post something not me on social media. I do a lot of ruminating during these drinking alone sessions. It's terrible. Like a form of self punishment for what I don't know, but clearly I don't like myself and that's why I drink.
My kids go to their dads in weekends. I live with a relative and for quite some time I've learned to hide the evidence of my drinking binges. When he's not looking I will grab a pitcher of water and some snacks and go upstairs where I live, he will not see me again all night as he lives downstairs. He won't know what I'm up to. Then I take the bottles in a plastic bag and wait till he's gone to take them to my car, then eventually I drop them off somewhere. I can't risk him seeing them in the trash bin outside.
Thursday and Friday, each day I drank 10-11 drinks, mostly wine, but Friday stared with five shots of vodka after lunchtime. I had an empty stomach though. I would always do my shots first then eat. Hits you harder as you all know. Saturday I woke up disgusted with myself. Not hungover but just not happy with the red, bloated face looking back at me. People say I'm pretty but they don't know all the makeup I use to cover this face after binge drinking. I see photos of me during my pregnancies and for about a year after, I'm glowing, peaches and cream complexion, and here I am looking like bloody hell all at my own hands because I am weak and because I don't know what it is to even LIKE myself.
I've always been sickly, low energy, could never figure out why, but over time I hated how I wasn't productive enough, not good enough, smart enough, clever enough, couldn't hold down a job for lack of energy. Saw doctors and tests generally came back normal although I was always in the lower range with vitamins. Have suffered from IBS all my life, childhood asthma, hospitalized with pneumonia countless times a child. Outgrew most of it by teen years but never did feel well. I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better, get more serotonin and energy but only making myself weaker long term, and unable to learn to like myself.
By the grace of God, 42 years later, I finally figured out one huge piece of the puzzle. I have a genetic deficiency/mutation called MTHFR where my body doesn't process folic properly unless it's in a special form that's been methylated. I did ancestry testing through 23 and me, and found out I could run the data through a certain website and find out if I have any of these mutations. A naturopath prescribed me something called Enlyte which is like Deplin but it has all the cofactors Iike B12, magnesium, etc. I was skeptical when I started taking it two weeks ago but it has been life changing.
I haven't felt this well in ages. Like many of you, I suffer panic attacks. This has helped prevent any anxious feelings from manifesting into full blown panic attacks. Mine were so bad I could barely drive on the interstate. Often I would pull over to a gas station have to chug a beer in my car, the short trip into the gas station and paying always felt like an eternity, would I make it to buy the beer and get out to my car, or would I pass out on the floor? I've had to tell grocery clerks I need to sit down on the ground for a minute because I felt so faint. Heart racing, pounding. Awful.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this has helped me tremendously with that issue and my energy, sleeping better too, feeling way less depressed, but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge, it's like I don't know what to do with myself or this new person emerging, so I do what I've always done when I can't deal with something - drink.
That said, I think staying up late reading this site last night helped me be stronger today and I know I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to make it 24 hours! I also heard from my ex boyfriend and he said he was only drinking a couple beers a week now. He was a huge drinker. Somehow that encouraged me too. Our best times involved alcohol sadly. I guess that's why we didn't work. But maybe there could be hope for us without the booze.
Anyway, I'm really excited to do this, and scared that I won't be able to. How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life? Will I become a bore. Will I still hate myself just be sober with no self esteem. Will I tell myself that the change isn't worth it and go back to drinking? I have two girls I want to do this for too, but at times the stress of parenting them has had me sneaking out for wine. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know HOW to do this for real. One day is great but what about tomorrow when they're here again and fighting and I get stressed out, or when I get invited to a concert or pub and everyone's got a drink in their hand and I'm awkward and maybe even bored? I guess I have so many questions and concerns. I'm glad to be here, thanks for reading this.
Today is my first of sobriety. I attribute that to several things but before I get into that, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this forum. Last night I stayed up late reading some of your stories, and the compassionate responses and I felt inspired to do this, even though it's scary AF because I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be once I'm sober. I've used alcohol as a crutch, a lover and best friend, drug, escape, so many things. Even despite my strength today, I already ask myself how I'm going to live without it.
But it's gotten so bad. I'm don't embarrass myself much anymore out in public. I did go through those days, but mostly I drink alone in my room,
sometimes getting drunk enough to email my ex boyfriend or post something not me on social media. I do a lot of ruminating during these drinking alone sessions. It's terrible. Like a form of self punishment for what I don't know, but clearly I don't like myself and that's why I drink.
My kids go to their dads in weekends. I live with a relative and for quite some time I've learned to hide the evidence of my drinking binges. When he's not looking I will grab a pitcher of water and some snacks and go upstairs where I live, he will not see me again all night as he lives downstairs. He won't know what I'm up to. Then I take the bottles in a plastic bag and wait till he's gone to take them to my car, then eventually I drop them off somewhere. I can't risk him seeing them in the trash bin outside.
Thursday and Friday, each day I drank 10-11 drinks, mostly wine, but Friday stared with five shots of vodka after lunchtime. I had an empty stomach though. I would always do my shots first then eat. Hits you harder as you all know. Saturday I woke up disgusted with myself. Not hungover but just not happy with the red, bloated face looking back at me. People say I'm pretty but they don't know all the makeup I use to cover this face after binge drinking. I see photos of me during my pregnancies and for about a year after, I'm glowing, peaches and cream complexion, and here I am looking like bloody hell all at my own hands because I am weak and because I don't know what it is to even LIKE myself.
I've always been sickly, low energy, could never figure out why, but over time I hated how I wasn't productive enough, not good enough, smart enough, clever enough, couldn't hold down a job for lack of energy. Saw doctors and tests generally came back normal although I was always in the lower range with vitamins. Have suffered from IBS all my life, childhood asthma, hospitalized with pneumonia countless times a child. Outgrew most of it by teen years but never did feel well. I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better, get more serotonin and energy but only making myself weaker long term, and unable to learn to like myself.
By the grace of God, 42 years later, I finally figured out one huge piece of the puzzle. I have a genetic deficiency/mutation called MTHFR where my body doesn't process folic properly unless it's in a special form that's been methylated. I did ancestry testing through 23 and me, and found out I could run the data through a certain website and find out if I have any of these mutations. A naturopath prescribed me something called Enlyte which is like Deplin but it has all the cofactors Iike B12, magnesium, etc. I was skeptical when I started taking it two weeks ago but it has been life changing.
I haven't felt this well in ages. Like many of you, I suffer panic attacks. This has helped prevent any anxious feelings from manifesting into full blown panic attacks. Mine were so bad I could barely drive on the interstate. Often I would pull over to a gas station have to chug a beer in my car, the short trip into the gas station and paying always felt like an eternity, would I make it to buy the beer and get out to my car, or would I pass out on the floor? I've had to tell grocery clerks I need to sit down on the ground for a minute because I felt so faint. Heart racing, pounding. Awful.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this has helped me tremendously with that issue and my energy, sleeping better too, feeling way less depressed, but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge, it's like I don't know what to do with myself or this new person emerging, so I do what I've always done when I can't deal with something - drink.
That said, I think staying up late reading this site last night helped me be stronger today and I know I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to make it 24 hours! I also heard from my ex boyfriend and he said he was only drinking a couple beers a week now. He was a huge drinker. Somehow that encouraged me too. Our best times involved alcohol sadly. I guess that's why we didn't work. But maybe there could be hope for us without the booze.
Anyway, I'm really excited to do this, and scared that I won't be able to. How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life? Will I become a bore. Will I still hate myself just be sober with no self esteem. Will I tell myself that the change isn't worth it and go back to drinking? I have two girls I want to do this for too, but at times the stress of parenting them has had me sneaking out for wine. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know HOW to do this for real. One day is great but what about tomorrow when they're here again and fighting and I get stressed out, or when I get invited to a concert or pub and everyone's got a drink in their hand and I'm awkward and maybe even bored? I guess I have so many questions and concerns. I'm glad to be here, thanks for reading this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome truthseeker 
For twenty years, my adult life, I only knew how to drink too.
Fortunately adult minds are pretty adaptible and I soon learned how to live a sober life, with the help and support of this community.
I came here an all day everyday drinker. I'd been that way for several years.
In the new year I'll celebrate a decade clean and sober.
Anything is possible
D
For twenty years, my adult life, I only knew how to drink too.
Fortunately adult minds are pretty adaptible and I soon learned how to live a sober life, with the help and support of this community.
I came here an all day everyday drinker. I'd been that way for several years.
In the new year I'll celebrate a decade clean and sober.
Anything is possible
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Once your mind clears up, you will be shocked at just how many different things you'll become interested in. At first you'll feel bored about not having anything to do with the extra time that was wasted on drinking.
This happened to me for a while. But now I keep up with all things that need to be improved in my life. Or at least I try.lol
But most importantly, you'll get back your joy.
You'll notice that relationships with people will improve. You will have more patience. So glad you decided to take the journey on the road of sobriety.
It is well worth it.
This happened to me for a while. But now I keep up with all things that need to be improved in my life. Or at least I try.lol
But most importantly, you'll get back your joy.
You'll notice that relationships with people will improve. You will have more patience. So glad you decided to take the journey on the road of sobriety.
It is well worth it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Truthseeker11 
Since I was in my teens. 42 now and the only time I didn't drink nearly everyday was during my two pregnancies. It all got worse seven years ago when my marriage began to fall apart.
Today is my first of sobriety. I attribute that to several things but before I get into that, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this forum. Last night I stayed up late reading some of your stories, and the compassionate responses and I felt inspired to do this, even though it's scary AF because I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be once I'm sober. I've used alcohol as a crutch, a lover and best friend, drug, escape, so many things. Even despite my strength today, I already ask myself how I'm going to live without it.
But it's gotten so bad. I'm don't embarrass myself much anymore out in public. I did go through those days, but mostly I drink alone in my room,
sometimes getting drunk enough to email my ex boyfriend or post something not me on social media. I do a lot of ruminating during these drinking alone sessions. It's terrible. Like a form of self punishment for what I don't know, but clearly I don't like myself and that's why I drink.
My kids go to their dads in weekends. I live with a relative and for quite some time I've learned to hide the evidence of my drinking binges. When he's not looking I will grab a pitcher of water and some snacks and go upstairs where I live, he will not see me again all night as he lives downstairs. He won't know what I'm up to. Then I take the bottles in a plastic bag and wait till he's gone to take them to my car, then eventually I drop them off somewhere. I can't risk him seeing them in the trash bin outside.
Thursday and Friday, each day I drank 10-11 drinks, mostly wine, but Friday stared with five shots of vodka after lunchtime. I had an empty stomach though. I would always do my shots first then eat. Hits you harder as you all know. Saturday I woke up disgusted with myself. Not hungover but just not happy with the red, bloated face looking back at me. People say I'm pretty but they don't know all the makeup I use to cover this face after binge drinking. I see photos of me during my pregnancies and for about a year after, I'm glowing, peaches and cream complexion, and here I am looking like bloody hell all at my own hands because I am weak and because I don't know what it is to even LIKE myself.
I've always been sickly, low energy, could never figure out why, but over time I hated how I wasn't productive enough, not good enough, smart enough, clever enough, couldn't hold down a job for lack of energy. Saw doctors and tests generally came back normal although I was always in the lower range with vitamins. Have suffered from IBS all my life, childhood asthma, hospitalized with pneumonia countless times a child. Outgrew most of it by teen years but never did feel well. I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better, get more serotonin and energy but only making myself weaker long term, and unable to learn to like myself.
By the grace of God, 42 years later, I finally figured out one huge piece of the puzzle. I have a genetic deficiency/mutation called MTHFR where my body doesn't process folic properly unless it's in a special form that's been methylated. I did ancestry testing through 23 and me, and found out I could run the data through a certain website and find out if I have any of these mutations. A naturopath prescribed me something called Enlyte which is like Deplin but it has all the cofactors Iike B12, magnesium, etc. I was skeptical when I started taking it two weeks ago but it has been life changing.
I haven't felt this well in ages. Like many of you, I suffer panic attacks. This has helped prevent any anxious feelings from manifesting into full blown panic attacks. Mine were so bad I could barely drive on the interstate. Often I would pull over to a gas station have to chug a beer in my car, the short trip into the gas station and paying always felt like an eternity, would I make it to buy the beer and get out to my car, or would I pass out on the floor? I've had to tell grocery clerks I need to sit down on the ground for a minute because I felt so faint. Heart racing, pounding. Awful.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this has helped me tremendously with that issue and my energy, sleeping better too, feeling way less depressed, but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge, it's like I don't know what to do with myself or this new person emerging, so I do what I've always done when I can't deal with something - drink.
That said, I think staying up late reading this site last night helped me be stronger today and I know I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to make it 24 hours! I also heard from my ex boyfriend and he said he was only drinking a couple beers a week now. He was a huge drinker. Somehow that encouraged me too. Our best times involved alcohol sadly. I guess that's why we didn't work. But maybe there could be hope for us without the booze.
Anyway, I'm really excited to do this, and scared that I won't be able to. How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life? Will I become a bore. Will I still hate myself just be sober with no self esteem. Will I tell myself that the change isn't worth it and go back to drinking? I have two girls I want to do this for too, but at times the stress of parenting them has had me sneaking out for wine. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know HOW to do this for real. One day is great but what about tomorrow when they're here again and fighting and I get stressed out, or when I get invited to a concert or pub and everyone's got a drink in their hand and I'm awkward and maybe even bored? I guess I have so many questions and concerns. I'm glad to be here, thanks for reading this.
Today is my first of sobriety. I attribute that to several things but before I get into that, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this forum. Last night I stayed up late reading some of your stories, and the compassionate responses and I felt inspired to do this, even though it's scary AF because I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be once I'm sober. I've used alcohol as a crutch, a lover and best friend, drug, escape, so many things. Even despite my strength today, I already ask myself how I'm going to live without it.
But it's gotten so bad. I'm don't embarrass myself much anymore out in public. I did go through those days, but mostly I drink alone in my room,
sometimes getting drunk enough to email my ex boyfriend or post something not me on social media. I do a lot of ruminating during these drinking alone sessions. It's terrible. Like a form of self punishment for what I don't know, but clearly I don't like myself and that's why I drink.
My kids go to their dads in weekends. I live with a relative and for quite some time I've learned to hide the evidence of my drinking binges. When he's not looking I will grab a pitcher of water and some snacks and go upstairs where I live, he will not see me again all night as he lives downstairs. He won't know what I'm up to. Then I take the bottles in a plastic bag and wait till he's gone to take them to my car, then eventually I drop them off somewhere. I can't risk him seeing them in the trash bin outside.
Thursday and Friday, each day I drank 10-11 drinks, mostly wine, but Friday stared with five shots of vodka after lunchtime. I had an empty stomach though. I would always do my shots first then eat. Hits you harder as you all know. Saturday I woke up disgusted with myself. Not hungover but just not happy with the red, bloated face looking back at me. People say I'm pretty but they don't know all the makeup I use to cover this face after binge drinking. I see photos of me during my pregnancies and for about a year after, I'm glowing, peaches and cream complexion, and here I am looking like bloody hell all at my own hands because I am weak and because I don't know what it is to even LIKE myself.
I've always been sickly, low energy, could never figure out why, but over time I hated how I wasn't productive enough, not good enough, smart enough, clever enough, couldn't hold down a job for lack of energy. Saw doctors and tests generally came back normal although I was always in the lower range with vitamins. Have suffered from IBS all my life, childhood asthma, hospitalized with pneumonia countless times a child. Outgrew most of it by teen years but never did feel well. I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better, get more serotonin and energy but only making myself weaker long term, and unable to learn to like myself.
By the grace of God, 42 years later, I finally figured out one huge piece of the puzzle. I have a genetic deficiency/mutation called MTHFR where my body doesn't process folic properly unless it's in a special form that's been methylated. I did ancestry testing through 23 and me, and found out I could run the data through a certain website and find out if I have any of these mutations. A naturopath prescribed me something called Enlyte which is like Deplin but it has all the cofactors Iike B12, magnesium, etc. I was skeptical when I started taking it two weeks ago but it has been life changing.
I haven't felt this well in ages. Like many of you, I suffer panic attacks. This has helped prevent any anxious feelings from manifesting into full blown panic attacks. Mine were so bad I could barely drive on the interstate. Often I would pull over to a gas station have to chug a beer in my car, the short trip into the gas station and paying always felt like an eternity, would I make it to buy the beer and get out to my car, or would I pass out on the floor? I've had to tell grocery clerks I need to sit down on the ground for a minute because I felt so faint. Heart racing, pounding. Awful.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this has helped me tremendously with that issue and my energy, sleeping better too, feeling way less depressed, but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge, it's like I don't know what to do with myself or this new person emerging, so I do what I've always done when I can't deal with something - drink.
That said, I think staying up late reading this site last night helped me be stronger today and I know I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to make it 24 hours! I also heard from my ex boyfriend and he said he was only drinking a couple beers a week now. He was a huge drinker. Somehow that encouraged me too. Our best times involved alcohol sadly. I guess that's why we didn't work. But maybe there could be hope for us without the booze.
Anyway, I'm really excited to do this, and scared that I won't be able to. How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life? Will I become a bore. Will I still hate myself just be sober with no self esteem. Will I tell myself that the change isn't worth it and go back to drinking? I have two girls I want to do this for too, but at times the stress of parenting them has had me sneaking out for wine. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know HOW to do this for real. One day is great but what about tomorrow when they're here again and fighting and I get stressed out, or when I get invited to a concert or pub and everyone's got a drink in their hand and I'm awkward and maybe even bored? I guess I have so many questions and concerns. I'm glad to be here, thanks for reading this.
Keep posting. I am so happy I found this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Thank you all. I feel like this community is really going to help me do this. Just now I felt a little shaky and really craved a beer from the store. For a second I thought abiut getting one, my rationale this time being that it's better to taper off than quit cold turkey. But it's that way of thinking that has kept me drinking for decades. I was thinking maybe I should go get some ice cream instead. Maybe it's just the sugar my body is trying to replace. The ritual is pretty engrained in me too. It's dark, it's evening before dinner time, it just FEELS like a drink should be in my hand. My AV can and will tell me anything to convince me "just one is fine".
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Yeah,hang out on here and read for a while.
Worked for me and today is 1220 days for me.
And I was a black out drinker nearly every night.
I did it, and so can you.
Oh, look into joining the class that matches your sobriety date.
They're found in the Newcomer Daily Support forums.
Worked for me and today is 1220 days for me.
And I was a black out drinker nearly every night.
I did it, and so can you.
Oh, look into joining the class that matches your sobriety date.
They're found in the Newcomer Daily Support forums.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by resolute50
Yeah,hang out on here and read for a while.
Worked for me and today is 1220 days for me.
And I was a black out drinker nearly every night.
I did it, and so can you.
Worked for me and today is 1220 days for me.
And I was a black out drinker nearly every night.
I did it, and so can you.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by Truthseeker11
I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better...
I haven't felt this well in ages...but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge...
I haven't felt this well in ages...but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge...
Now, you feel well, but you drink because you feel good. Good or bad, you drink. It doesn't matter either way how you feel. Can you see this?
More importantly, can you see how this affects what you have to do to get out from under this addiction?
That is, if you drink regardless of how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by Truthseeker11
Thank you all. I feel like this community is really going to help me do this. Just now I felt a little shaky and really craved a beer from the store. For a second I thought abiut getting one, my rationale this time being that it's better to taper off than quit cold turkey. But it's that way of thinking that has kept me drinking for decades. I was thinking maybe I should go get some ice cream instead. Maybe it's just the sugar my body is trying to replace. The ritual is pretty engrained in me too. It's dark, it's evening before dinner time, it just FEELS like a drink should be in my hand. My AV can and will tell me anything to convince me "just one is fine".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Truthseeker,
Just want to welcome you to the forum as well. I am also a working mom, I have three kids, and staying sober during their pregnancies was the longest sober period I had since about 14 or 15.
I will have 11 days sober this Thursday, and owe it to this site. Looking forward to seeing you on here.
❤️ Delilah
Just want to welcome you to the forum as well. I am also a working mom, I have three kids, and staying sober during their pregnancies was the longest sober period I had since about 14 or 15.
I will have 11 days sober this Thursday, and owe it to this site. Looking forward to seeing you on here.
❤️ Delilah
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,387
Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hi Truthseeker,
Just want to welcome you to the forum as well. I am also a working mom, I have three kids, and staying sober during their pregnancies was the longest sober period I had since about 14 or 15.
I will have 11 days sober this Thursday, and owe it to this site. Looking forward to seeing you on here.
❤️ Delilah
Just want to welcome you to the forum as well. I am also a working mom, I have three kids, and staying sober during their pregnancies was the longest sober period I had since about 14 or 15.
I will have 11 days sober this Thursday, and owe it to this site. Looking forward to seeing you on here.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi and welcome. I'd only known drinking as well. No kids of my own, but my lovely lady friends at AA all say how much more emotionally present they're able to be for their girls now that their not just desperate to hoik them off to bed each night so they can have a proper drink, and aren't crabby and stressed all the time due to either the after effects of drinking or preoccupied with some aspect of their lives that alcohol has made unmanageable (honestly - once we stop drinking we are able to see just how much it did affect adversely - relationships, friendships, careers, health, finances, interest in Life, loss of hobbies, and just the sheer amount of time and energy - physical and emotional - that goes into our drinking habits).
Have you considered AA at all, or something similar. I love the fact that I now have a little network of lively sober ladies who I can meet up with or call. It makes a big difference. Especially at weekends.
Have you considered AA at all, or something similar. I love the fact that I now have a little network of lively sober ladies who I can meet up with or call. It makes a big difference. Especially at weekends.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 64
Hey Truthseeker11.
Fantastic - fair play! I'm on Day 3 now and it's such a relief! If you're anything like me - there were likely lots of social things or personal projects that you just didn't bother doing because you were drinking instead. And plenty more that you just don't know about yet! Once you start looking forward to your new life rather than lamenting the thing (alcohol) that you already want to be rid of - you'll be able to keep on track!
I'd second AA if you have meetings near you. Both this forum and AA have been a huge help! We'd be in the same November group.
No harm going in to have a chat with your doctor as early on in the process as you can - just to ensure everything's being safely monitored. I didn't cop to do the at the beginning (although I'm sure I was told to!) - but it would be good for peace of mind.
Fantastic - fair play! I'm on Day 3 now and it's such a relief! If you're anything like me - there were likely lots of social things or personal projects that you just didn't bother doing because you were drinking instead. And plenty more that you just don't know about yet! Once you start looking forward to your new life rather than lamenting the thing (alcohol) that you already want to be rid of - you'll be able to keep on track!
I'd second AA if you have meetings near you. Both this forum and AA have been a huge help! We'd be in the same November group.
No harm going in to have a chat with your doctor as early on in the process as you can - just to ensure everything's being safely monitored. I didn't cop to do the at the beginning (although I'm sure I was told to!) - but it would be good for peace of mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by Algorithm
Do you see the disconnect between these two statements in your life story? Once upon a time, you felt bad, and you drank to feel better.
Now, you feel well, but you drink because you feel good. Good or bad, you drink. It doesn't matter either way how you feel. Can you see this?
More importantly, can you see how this affects what you have to do to get out from under this addiction?
That is, if you drink regardless of how you feel.
Now, you feel well, but you drink because you feel good. Good or bad, you drink. It doesn't matter either way how you feel. Can you see this?
More importantly, can you see how this affects what you have to do to get out from under this addiction?
That is, if you drink regardless of how you feel.
I guess what I'm saying is, feeling better physically wasn't enough to get me there, but then Saturday night I rediscovered SR and it was here that I found the inner strength to really commit to sobriety. I know I'm going to have my struggles of course. The big thing for me will be getting a job. That will help so much with my self esteem and keeping busy so I don't think about drinking. Now that I'm feeling well again, I'm going to pursue that goal, but I also realize I need counseling because honestly I'm already feeling terrible looking back in all the years I lost drinking and being depressed. You'd think that finding a cure for your depression would make you happy right? But it's sort of turned me upside down too. I feel guilt and shame for how I treated myself all those years. Maybe this is the beginning of loving myself? I have to forgive myself, that's going to be a little hard.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Truthseeker11
How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life?
That kind of fun?
You'll find plenty of fun things to do sober. But you will also find you will have to let go of a lot of things you called "fun" mainly because alcohol was involved. So when you get the call to go out, to a concert, the pub...
Say no thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Hi and welcome. I'd only known drinking as well. No kids of my own, but my lovely lady friends at AA all say how much more emotionally present they're able to be for their girls now that their not just desperate to hoik them off to bed each night so they can have a proper drink, and aren't crabby and stressed all the time due to either the after effects of drinking or preoccupied with some aspect of their lives that alcohol has made unmanageable (honestly - once we stop drinking we are able to see just how much it did affect adversely - relationships, friendships, careers, health, finances, interest in Life, loss of hobbies, and just the sheer amount of time and energy - physical and emotional - that goes into our drinking habits).
Have you considered AA at all, or something similar. I love the fact that I now have a little network of lively sober ladies who I can meet up with or call. It makes a big difference. Especially at weekends.
Have you considered AA at all, or something similar. I love the fact that I now have a little network of lively sober ladies who I can meet up with or call. It makes a big difference. Especially at weekends.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
You are absolutely right. Stopping drinking is essential, but it's just the first step. I know I had to deal with all the painful issues that had kept me numbing my mind. It's difficult, but so worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Fun things? You said "...mostly I drink alone in my room"
That kind of fun?
You'll find plenty of fun things to do sober. But you will also find you will have to let go of a lot of things you called "fun" mainly because alcohol was involved. So when you get the call to go out, to a concert, the pub...
Say no thanks.
That kind of fun?
You'll find plenty of fun things to do sober. But you will also find you will have to let go of a lot of things you called "fun" mainly because alcohol was involved. So when you get the call to go out, to a concert, the pub...
Say no thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: North East
Posts: 621
Originally Posted by Truthseeker11
Since I was in my teens. 42 now and the only time I didn't drink nearly everyday was during my two pregnancies. It all got worse seven years ago when my marriage began to fall apart.
Today is my first of sobriety. I attribute that to several things but before I get into that, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this forum. Last night I stayed up late reading some of your stories, and the compassionate responses and I felt inspired to do this, even though it's scary AF because I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be once I'm sober. I've used alcohol as a crutch, a lover and best friend, drug, escape, so many things. Even despite my strength today, I already ask myself how I'm going to live without it.
But it's gotten so bad. I'm don't embarrass myself much anymore out in public. I did go through those days, but mostly I drink alone in my room,
sometimes getting drunk enough to email my ex boyfriend or post something not me on social media. I do a lot of ruminating during these drinking alone sessions. It's terrible. Like a form of self punishment for what I don't know, but clearly I don't like myself and that's why I drink.
My kids go to their dads in weekends. I live with a relative and for quite some time I've learned to hide the evidence of my drinking binges. When he's not looking I will grab a pitcher of water and some snacks and go upstairs where I live, he will not see me again all night as he lives downstairs. He won't know what I'm up to. Then I take the bottles in a plastic bag and wait till he's gone to take them to my car, then eventually I drop them off somewhere. I can't risk him seeing them in the trash bin outside.
Thursday and Friday, each day I drank 10-11 drinks, mostly wine, but Friday stared with five shots of vodka after lunchtime. I had an empty stomach though. I would always do my shots first then eat. Hits you harder as you all know. Saturday I woke up disgusted with myself. Not hungover but just not happy with the red, bloated face looking back at me. People say I'm pretty but they don't know all the makeup I use to cover this face after binge drinking. I see photos of me during my pregnancies and for about a year after, I'm glowing, peaches and cream complexion, and here I am looking like bloody hell all at my own hands because I am weak and because I don't know what it is to even LIKE myself.
I've always been sickly, low energy, could never figure out why, but over time I hated how I wasn't productive enough, not good enough, smart enough, clever enough, couldn't hold down a job for lack of energy. Saw doctors and tests generally came back normal although I was always in the lower range with vitamins. Have suffered from IBS all my life, childhood asthma, hospitalized with pneumonia countless times a child. Outgrew most of it by teen years but never did feel well. I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better, get more serotonin and energy but only making myself weaker long term, and unable to learn to like myself.
By the grace of God, 42 years later, I finally figured out one huge piece of the puzzle. I have a genetic deficiency/mutation called MTHFR where my body doesn't process folic properly unless it's in a special form that's been methylated. I did ancestry testing through 23 and me, and found out I could run the data through a certain website and find out if I have any of these mutations. A naturopath prescribed me something called Enlyte which is like Deplin but it has all the cofactors Iike B12, magnesium, etc. I was skeptical when I started taking it two weeks ago but it has been life changing.
I haven't felt this well in ages. Like many of you, I suffer panic attacks. This has helped prevent any anxious feelings from manifesting into full blown panic attacks. Mine were so bad I could barely drive on the interstate. Often I would pull over to a gas station have to chug a beer in my car, the short trip into the gas station and paying always felt like an eternity, would I make it to buy the beer and get out to my car, or would I pass out on the floor? I've had to tell grocery clerks I need to sit down on the ground for a minute because I felt so faint. Heart racing, pounding. Awful.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this has helped me tremendously with that issue and my energy, sleeping better too, feeling way less depressed, but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge, it's like I don't know what to do with myself or this new person emerging, so I do what I've always done when I can't deal with something - drink.
That said, I think staying up late reading this site last night helped me be stronger today and I know I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to make it 24 hours! I also heard from my ex boyfriend and he said he was only drinking a couple beers a week now. He was a huge drinker. Somehow that encouraged me too. Our best times involved alcohol sadly. I guess that's why we didn't work. But maybe there could be hope for us without the booze.
Anyway, I'm really excited to do this, and scared that I won't be able to. How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life? Will I become a bore. Will I still hate myself just be sober with no self esteem. Will I tell myself that the change isn't worth it and go back to drinking? I have two girls I want to do this for too, but at times the stress of parenting them has had me sneaking out for wine. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know HOW to do this for real. One day is great but what about tomorrow when they're here again and fighting and I get stressed out, or when I get invited to a concert or pub and everyone's got a drink in their hand and I'm awkward and maybe even bored? I guess I have so many questions and concerns. I'm glad to be here, thanks for reading this.
Today is my first of sobriety. I attribute that to several things but before I get into that, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this forum. Last night I stayed up late reading some of your stories, and the compassionate responses and I felt inspired to do this, even though it's scary AF because I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be once I'm sober. I've used alcohol as a crutch, a lover and best friend, drug, escape, so many things. Even despite my strength today, I already ask myself how I'm going to live without it.
But it's gotten so bad. I'm don't embarrass myself much anymore out in public. I did go through those days, but mostly I drink alone in my room,
sometimes getting drunk enough to email my ex boyfriend or post something not me on social media. I do a lot of ruminating during these drinking alone sessions. It's terrible. Like a form of self punishment for what I don't know, but clearly I don't like myself and that's why I drink.
My kids go to their dads in weekends. I live with a relative and for quite some time I've learned to hide the evidence of my drinking binges. When he's not looking I will grab a pitcher of water and some snacks and go upstairs where I live, he will not see me again all night as he lives downstairs. He won't know what I'm up to. Then I take the bottles in a plastic bag and wait till he's gone to take them to my car, then eventually I drop them off somewhere. I can't risk him seeing them in the trash bin outside.
Thursday and Friday, each day I drank 10-11 drinks, mostly wine, but Friday stared with five shots of vodka after lunchtime. I had an empty stomach though. I would always do my shots first then eat. Hits you harder as you all know. Saturday I woke up disgusted with myself. Not hungover but just not happy with the red, bloated face looking back at me. People say I'm pretty but they don't know all the makeup I use to cover this face after binge drinking. I see photos of me during my pregnancies and for about a year after, I'm glowing, peaches and cream complexion, and here I am looking like bloody hell all at my own hands because I am weak and because I don't know what it is to even LIKE myself.
I've always been sickly, low energy, could never figure out why, but over time I hated how I wasn't productive enough, not good enough, smart enough, clever enough, couldn't hold down a job for lack of energy. Saw doctors and tests generally came back normal although I was always in the lower range with vitamins. Have suffered from IBS all my life, childhood asthma, hospitalized with pneumonia countless times a child. Outgrew most of it by teen years but never did feel well. I know that it all became a vicious cycle. Drinking to feel better, get more serotonin and energy but only making myself weaker long term, and unable to learn to like myself.
By the grace of God, 42 years later, I finally figured out one huge piece of the puzzle. I have a genetic deficiency/mutation called MTHFR where my body doesn't process folic properly unless it's in a special form that's been methylated. I did ancestry testing through 23 and me, and found out I could run the data through a certain website and find out if I have any of these mutations. A naturopath prescribed me something called Enlyte which is like Deplin but it has all the cofactors Iike B12, magnesium, etc. I was skeptical when I started taking it two weeks ago but it has been life changing.
I haven't felt this well in ages. Like many of you, I suffer panic attacks. This has helped prevent any anxious feelings from manifesting into full blown panic attacks. Mine were so bad I could barely drive on the interstate. Often I would pull over to a gas station have to chug a beer in my car, the short trip into the gas station and paying always felt like an eternity, would I make it to buy the beer and get out to my car, or would I pass out on the floor? I've had to tell grocery clerks I need to sit down on the ground for a minute because I felt so faint. Heart racing, pounding. Awful.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this has helped me tremendously with that issue and my energy, sleeping better too, feeling way less depressed, but my problem now is that I've ramped up my drinking in response to this huge energy surge, it's like I don't know what to do with myself or this new person emerging, so I do what I've always done when I can't deal with something - drink.
That said, I think staying up late reading this site last night helped me be stronger today and I know I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to make it 24 hours! I also heard from my ex boyfriend and he said he was only drinking a couple beers a week now. He was a huge drinker. Somehow that encouraged me too. Our best times involved alcohol sadly. I guess that's why we didn't work. But maybe there could be hope for us without the booze.
Anyway, I'm really excited to do this, and scared that I won't be able to. How am I going to find things fun when I've used alcohol for fun my whole adult life? Will I become a bore. Will I still hate myself just be sober with no self esteem. Will I tell myself that the change isn't worth it and go back to drinking? I have two girls I want to do this for too, but at times the stress of parenting them has had me sneaking out for wine. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know HOW to do this for real. One day is great but what about tomorrow when they're here again and fighting and I get stressed out, or when I get invited to a concert or pub and everyone's got a drink in their hand and I'm awkward and maybe even bored? I guess I have so many questions and concerns. I'm glad to be here, thanks for reading this.
Dee is right keep coming here and reading....if you feel you might want a drink come here first don't stray.....you can do this don't be afraid of the new person you will become embrass her.....
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