Relapse
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EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hey.
I came back from a three-year relapse following twenty five years without a drink. I lost everything, and was in such a state that I didn't even want to get sober again. At one point, the winter of 2011, I slept in the lobbies of a couple of apartment buildings, and spent my days in the Starbuck's at Penn Station to use their WiFi. I brought my own water bottle which matched the brand they were selling so as not to be bothered by the staff, who probably didn't care about me to the same extent as I. I had most of my belongings in a couple of bags, including a laptop that I didn't think would survive my adventures. I didn't know where the rest of my stuff was until I got sober.
I had a dead-end, near-minimum-wage job in a nursing facility in Riverdale, just north of NYC. They had a converted convent on the property where they provided rooms for some people who worked at the facility. I would sneak in there at night, risking certain unemployment were I to be discovered, and stayed there until I could find a suitable flophouse nearby where I could crash. I spent virtually all my money on booze, drinking 'round-the-clock, transportation, and sometimes food, though it wasn't difficult to get a meal where I worked. I was broke at the end of every week.
I'd lost contact with the friends I had, and my very supportive family no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. I'd stop at the liquor store at 8:00AM (it was that kind of neighborhood), go back to my flophouse, and either listen to sports-talk radio or talk to a very angry older man who also lived there for company. And then I'd do it all over again. No restful sleeping involved, just blacking out, or periods of lying down to enjoy my regular nightmares, the kind that you have when you're not awake.
The people I worked with and for were suspicious about my drinking at work for a longer time than I knew. I was finally busted by stupidly securing a pint bottle of vodka in the back pocket of my pants for everyone to see while at work. I didn't even know it was there.
Next came detox, not because I was interested in getting sober, but because I could barely function and I needed a place to stay, having achieved the distinction of being bounced from my flophouse. They pretty much knocked me out for five days, and I was never happier in the three years that had come before. I didn't ever want to leave, having eaten and slept most of the time. Then came rehab, where I made it clear I was not committed to getting sober, but that I'd do everything they asked in order to stay there. I relied on the kindness of other people for a place to stay after I was discharged, until I was offered a room by a treatment facility that required I remain in treatment in order to keep the room. After about six months, I moved into my own place but completed a full year of outpatient treatment in addition to individual counseling for alcoholism at the same facility. I was during this entire time attending daily AA meetings, often more than once a day, because I had daily cravings that never left me anywhere except in a position to plot how, when and where I'd have my next drink. I also had no other place to go and nothing else to do.
I was intent on resuming my drinking once I "got back on my feet" (whatever that meant), but I'd learned from my previous experience with AA that things could get better if I at least made an effort. I only opened the door a crack, but it was enough to keep me going. I listened to people. I took good counsel. I suspended my superficial beliefs and my opinions about things that I thought were so important to my identity. I accepted myself for the person who I'd become while I was drinking, and I learned to have faith.
I've now been sober for over five years. All of it has been a great deal of work. I have a job in my field that I love, good friends, good health, a supportive family that is now fully present in my life, financial stability, not a single reason or excuse to drink, and an opportunity to act on and express whatever goodness remains in my heart. In terms of the last of these things, I don't know that there's anything else I need.
I came back from a three-year relapse following twenty five years without a drink. I lost everything, and was in such a state that I didn't even want to get sober again. At one point, the winter of 2011, I slept in the lobbies of a couple of apartment buildings, and spent my days in the Starbuck's at Penn Station to use their WiFi. I brought my own water bottle which matched the brand they were selling so as not to be bothered by the staff, who probably didn't care about me to the same extent as I. I had most of my belongings in a couple of bags, including a laptop that I didn't think would survive my adventures. I didn't know where the rest of my stuff was until I got sober.
I had a dead-end, near-minimum-wage job in a nursing facility in Riverdale, just north of NYC. They had a converted convent on the property where they provided rooms for some people who worked at the facility. I would sneak in there at night, risking certain unemployment were I to be discovered, and stayed there until I could find a suitable flophouse nearby where I could crash. I spent virtually all my money on booze, drinking 'round-the-clock, transportation, and sometimes food, though it wasn't difficult to get a meal where I worked. I was broke at the end of every week.
I'd lost contact with the friends I had, and my very supportive family no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. I'd stop at the liquor store at 8:00AM (it was that kind of neighborhood), go back to my flophouse, and either listen to sports-talk radio or talk to a very angry older man who also lived there for company. And then I'd do it all over again. No restful sleeping involved, just blacking out, or periods of lying down to enjoy my regular nightmares, the kind that you have when you're not awake.
The people I worked with and for were suspicious about my drinking at work for a longer time than I knew. I was finally busted by stupidly securing a pint bottle of vodka in the back pocket of my pants for everyone to see while at work. I didn't even know it was there.
Next came detox, not because I was interested in getting sober, but because I could barely function and I needed a place to stay, having achieved the distinction of being bounced from my flophouse. They pretty much knocked me out for five days, and I was never happier in the three years that had come before. I didn't ever want to leave, having eaten and slept most of the time. Then came rehab, where I made it clear I was not committed to getting sober, but that I'd do everything they asked in order to stay there. I relied on the kindness of other people for a place to stay after I was discharged, until I was offered a room by a treatment facility that required I remain in treatment in order to keep the room. After about six months, I moved into my own place but completed a full year of outpatient treatment in addition to individual counseling for alcoholism at the same facility. I was during this entire time attending daily AA meetings, often more than once a day, because I had daily cravings that never left me anywhere except in a position to plot how, when and where I'd have my next drink. I also had no other place to go and nothing else to do.
I was intent on resuming my drinking once I "got back on my feet" (whatever that meant), but I'd learned from my previous experience with AA that things could get better if I at least made an effort. I only opened the door a crack, but it was enough to keep me going. I listened to people. I took good counsel. I suspended my superficial beliefs and my opinions about things that I thought were so important to my identity. I accepted myself for the person who I'd become while I was drinking, and I learned to have faith.
I've now been sober for over five years. All of it has been a great deal of work. I have a job in my field that I love, good friends, good health, a supportive family that is now fully present in my life, financial stability, not a single reason or excuse to drink, and an opportunity to act on and express whatever goodness remains in my heart. In terms of the last of these things, I don't know that there's anything else I need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 21
Endgame....
Thankyou for that reply. I'm not capable right now of giving it a full response.
But it resonates so much. Because before I got sober the first time I was virtually homeless - sofa surfing, using my friends.
1 year of sobriety and I had my own place.
Oh I have a few pound, it could take me 6 months before the money runs out. But run out it will.
My sister owns a flophouse. It's a business for them. In 6 months I will be there.
I am going to go to that meeting tomorrow.
Thankyou so much for your kind messages. I felt so alone. I don't feel that way now.
Thankyou
Thankyou for that reply. I'm not capable right now of giving it a full response.
But it resonates so much. Because before I got sober the first time I was virtually homeless - sofa surfing, using my friends.
1 year of sobriety and I had my own place.
Oh I have a few pound, it could take me 6 months before the money runs out. But run out it will.
My sister owns a flophouse. It's a business for them. In 6 months I will be there.
I am going to go to that meeting tomorrow.
Thankyou so much for your kind messages. I felt so alone. I don't feel that way now.
Thankyou
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I relapsed also when I thought I could "moderate" my drinking several times.
Of course it didn't work.
But like you, I had discovered a sense of self-esteem and peace from sobriety,
so I quit one last time with no "escape clause" to ever drink again.
Since then I have felt happier and more solid in my sobriety and life than ever before.
So you can come back, and even better than before.
Don't doubt it--just make it so Tooz
Of course it didn't work.
But like you, I had discovered a sense of self-esteem and peace from sobriety,
so I quit one last time with no "escape clause" to ever drink again.
Since then I have felt happier and more solid in my sobriety and life than ever before.
So you can come back, and even better than before.
Don't doubt it--just make it so Tooz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 21
Thankyou kinzoku.
I haven't drunk today. Although I didn't make the meeting that I promised I would go to. I didn't wake up in time even though I set an alarm.
What is it that we do to ourselves? I'm so sick I haven't eaten in a week.
But do you know what? I haven't had a drink (apart from buckets of black currant squash). And chain smoking but hey I'll deal with that another day.
Thankyou for your kindness all xx
I haven't drunk today. Although I didn't make the meeting that I promised I would go to. I didn't wake up in time even though I set an alarm.
What is it that we do to ourselves? I'm so sick I haven't eaten in a week.
But do you know what? I haven't had a drink (apart from buckets of black currant squash). And chain smoking but hey I'll deal with that another day.
Thankyou for your kindness all xx
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