How do you guys make friends in recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 11
How do you guys make friends in recovery
I know the stock answer is 12 steps meetings, but I have yet to make any potential lasting friendships since I have been going. I am a pretty shy person and do have trouble socializing, especially since I no longer have drugs/alcohol. Of the people I talked to at meetings, most of them are just all about meetings and invite me to other meetings, and that's it. I mean, going to meetings is cool and all I guess, but I would like to actually build a social circle of sober friends who do activities other than going to meetings all the time.
Basically all I have been doing is work/gym/meetings then watch TV before bed. During the weekend I have so much time that I don't know what to do with myself. I end up stuck in my head. A lot of my thinking is geared towards how things ended with my ex-gf of 4 years. I just imagine her out partying it up and meeting new guys, while I am completely stuck with no social circle of any sorts.
Just wondering what some of you did in early recovery to deal with the social isolation.
Basically all I have been doing is work/gym/meetings then watch TV before bed. During the weekend I have so much time that I don't know what to do with myself. I end up stuck in my head. A lot of my thinking is geared towards how things ended with my ex-gf of 4 years. I just imagine her out partying it up and meeting new guys, while I am completely stuck with no social circle of any sorts.
Just wondering what some of you did in early recovery to deal with the social isolation.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
When you say they invite you to meetings, are they offering to swing by and get you?
I find that the more meetings I attend, the more likely I find people that share my common interest.
Take them up on the offer of going to meetings.
There are many social activities AA related. Cookouts, campouts etc.
Keep an open mind about being active in AA .
If, AA was just meetings, I probably wouldn't have been still going all these years
I find that the more meetings I attend, the more likely I find people that share my common interest.
Take them up on the offer of going to meetings.
There are many social activities AA related. Cookouts, campouts etc.
Keep an open mind about being active in AA .
If, AA was just meetings, I probably wouldn't have been still going all these years
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
do you stick around for the "meeting after the meeting"? hang out in the parking lot and chat....head off to denny's for a late night coffee/pie marathon? help clean up and put the chairs away? take anyone up on those offers to go to different meetings? do you reach out to the newcomer? offer to do readings to open the meeting?
i was lucky to have an AA hall nearby - and made it my home base often went to three meetings a day!
i was lucky to have an AA hall nearby - and made it my home base often went to three meetings a day!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000 
When you say they invite you to meetings, are they offering to swing by and get you?
I find that the more meetings I attend, the more likely I find people that share my common interest.
Take them up on the offer of going to meetings.
There are many social activities AA related. Cookouts, campouts etc.
Keep an open mind about being active in AA .
If, AA was just meetings, I probably wouldn't have been still going all these years
I find that the more meetings I attend, the more likely I find people that share my common interest.
Take them up on the offer of going to meetings.
There are many social activities AA related. Cookouts, campouts etc.
Keep an open mind about being active in AA .
If, AA was just meetings, I probably wouldn't have been still going all these years
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
do you stick around for the "meeting after the meeting"? hang out in the parking lot and chat....head off to denny's for a late night coffee/pie marathon? help clean up and put the chairs away? take anyone up on those offers to go to different meetings? do you reach out to the newcomer? offer to do readings to open the meeting?
i was lucky to have an AA hall nearby - and made it my home base often went to three meetings a day!
i was lucky to have an AA hall nearby - and made it my home base often went to three meetings a day!
Originally Posted by Forward12
You can try sites like meetup where you can sort through tons of different activities you can do, and meet up in a group of like minded people.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I meet a lot of interesting people in relation to my work and travels so that is always a straightforward option. Otherwise, typically I make friends based on my interests (I have many). For example, taking classes (not necessarily for work) is a favorite, or in museums, exhibitions where the conversation topic comes easily and comfortably based on the context of the activity. I have also met many people in my life online but most of those never made it beyond the internet.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
If you hang around here in SR each day,
sharing some ESH -experiences, strengths
and hopes with others traveling the same
road of recovery, you will also find friends
online who not only are living a sober life,
but are also having fun chatting about
different activities, sports, golf, motorcycles,
birds, tattoos, music, etc.
The more you chime in with folks here
in SR - soberrecovery, the more you
will find something in common with
us.
sharing some ESH -experiences, strengths
and hopes with others traveling the same
road of recovery, you will also find friends
online who not only are living a sober life,
but are also having fun chatting about
different activities, sports, golf, motorcycles,
birds, tattoos, music, etc.
The more you chime in with folks here
in SR - soberrecovery, the more you
will find something in common with
us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I lost a lot of friends when I got sober because I'd surrounded myself with drinking buddies.
But I reconnected with a lot of old friends I hadn't seen for a while due to my drinking, and I made new ones in the course of simply living my new life and pursuing interests and hobbies.
As far as socialising goes all my new friends know me as a non drinker. Because it's not the point of attraction in my new relationships me drinking or not is not a big deal
There are some good ideas here. It's written from a female perspective but I think it can apply to us blokes too
But I reconnected with a lot of old friends I hadn't seen for a while due to my drinking, and I made new ones in the course of simply living my new life and pursuing interests and hobbies.
As far as socialising goes all my new friends know me as a non drinker. Because it's not the point of attraction in my new relationships me drinking or not is not a big deal
There are some good ideas here. It's written from a female perspective but I think it can apply to us blokes too
Can you expect to make close friends once you're past your 30s?
Yes! Research shows we're replacing half our close friends every seven years, even into our 60s. It helps to know that the revolving door is a normal part of life.
What's a mistake grown-ups make when trying to meet new friends?
Thinking they need to look for a twin. If you're single, say, you need another single buddy. Open your mind about whom you're willing to be friendly with and focus on what you may have in common. It's not important what those things are.
How do you spot someone who's right?
Friendships are not discovered—you're not going out to find that ideal BFF. Friendships are fostered. Research reveals that we can bond with almost anyone. A study of cadets at a police academy showed that friendships there grew based on alphabetical order—people bonded with those seated close by. We've all experienced a form of this—a random coworker who became a confidante because you saw her continually.
How do you move past small talk with someone you'd like to be friends with?
Inquire about an area you have in common, but in a way that's more personal. If your kids share a play group, don't discuss what the kids are up to—talk about how you're dealing with things. For instance: "How has this stage of parenting been for you?"
And then what?
Initiate plans. Many of us will invite someone out once, then think it's the other person's turn. If she doesn't step up, we assume she doesn't like us, because our fear of rejection is so high. What you should be thinking is: Did that person say yes? Did we have a good time? Great. Repeat. As long as she says yes two out of four times, keep asking. Most relationships have a primary initiator; the other person may give in different ways—she could be the primary listener.
That sounds hard for introverts.
Introverts are better at other friendship-building skills, like being consistent and going deeper. The process of making friends is awkward for everyone. We've never danced this dance together before. Are we the kind of friends who Facebook or text? Are we lunch-once-a-month friends? The more we do it, the less awkward it gets with that person.
Why is it so much harder for adults than for kids?
Consistency is a major requirement for building a friendship—and keeping that up is trickier with busy work and family schedules. This is why work is one of the best places to meet friends—your time together is already built into your day.
Can you find friends via social media?
Facebook and Instagram can help support existing bonds, but it's not easy to make new friends online, unless it's through professional networking or a shared Facebook group. A cold introduction can come off as creepy.
What about the challenge of making friends as a couple?
The dream is finding a couple and you all really like one another, but even if the guys don't totally hit it off, the foursome is worth continuing. Think about building a social circle and have fun.
How much time does it take for an adult to make a new friend?
I've found from surveying women that it usually takes six to eight meaningful interactions before they feel comfortable calling someone a friend. In terms of a person you would confide in, it may take a year or two. To take a new relationship to the next level, move the friendship out of the context in which you met. In other words, work pals who go hiking or mom friends who go out for coffee, sans kids.
Any parting words of encouragement?
You're better off cultivating five relationships than zeroing in on one. The more people you let in, the greater the chance of making a close pal.
How to Make Friends as a Grown-Up | Real Simple
Yes! Research shows we're replacing half our close friends every seven years, even into our 60s. It helps to know that the revolving door is a normal part of life.
What's a mistake grown-ups make when trying to meet new friends?
Thinking they need to look for a twin. If you're single, say, you need another single buddy. Open your mind about whom you're willing to be friendly with and focus on what you may have in common. It's not important what those things are.
How do you spot someone who's right?
Friendships are not discovered—you're not going out to find that ideal BFF. Friendships are fostered. Research reveals that we can bond with almost anyone. A study of cadets at a police academy showed that friendships there grew based on alphabetical order—people bonded with those seated close by. We've all experienced a form of this—a random coworker who became a confidante because you saw her continually.
How do you move past small talk with someone you'd like to be friends with?
Inquire about an area you have in common, but in a way that's more personal. If your kids share a play group, don't discuss what the kids are up to—talk about how you're dealing with things. For instance: "How has this stage of parenting been for you?"
And then what?
Initiate plans. Many of us will invite someone out once, then think it's the other person's turn. If she doesn't step up, we assume she doesn't like us, because our fear of rejection is so high. What you should be thinking is: Did that person say yes? Did we have a good time? Great. Repeat. As long as she says yes two out of four times, keep asking. Most relationships have a primary initiator; the other person may give in different ways—she could be the primary listener.
That sounds hard for introverts.
Introverts are better at other friendship-building skills, like being consistent and going deeper. The process of making friends is awkward for everyone. We've never danced this dance together before. Are we the kind of friends who Facebook or text? Are we lunch-once-a-month friends? The more we do it, the less awkward it gets with that person.
Why is it so much harder for adults than for kids?
Consistency is a major requirement for building a friendship—and keeping that up is trickier with busy work and family schedules. This is why work is one of the best places to meet friends—your time together is already built into your day.
Can you find friends via social media?
Facebook and Instagram can help support existing bonds, but it's not easy to make new friends online, unless it's through professional networking or a shared Facebook group. A cold introduction can come off as creepy.
What about the challenge of making friends as a couple?
The dream is finding a couple and you all really like one another, but even if the guys don't totally hit it off, the foursome is worth continuing. Think about building a social circle and have fun.
How much time does it take for an adult to make a new friend?
I've found from surveying women that it usually takes six to eight meaningful interactions before they feel comfortable calling someone a friend. In terms of a person you would confide in, it may take a year or two. To take a new relationship to the next level, move the friendship out of the context in which you met. In other words, work pals who go hiking or mom friends who go out for coffee, sans kids.
Any parting words of encouragement?
You're better off cultivating five relationships than zeroing in on one. The more people you let in, the greater the chance of making a close pal.
How to Make Friends as a Grown-Up | Real Simple
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
DNM13 - I struggled quite a bit with isolation throughout early recovery. As I spent more time in recovery I realized that I got the best results by being proactive. For example, instead of waiting to get invited to something after a meeting I would say that I was going somewhere and ask if anyone wanted to join me. Sometimes everyone was busy, but most of the time there was someone that wanted to go and do something outside of a meeting.
You have a car so you can offer to give people rides to meetings. Riding in a car with someone gives you a good opportunity to start to get to know them.
When you are hanging out after meetings you can ask people what they do outside of meetings. Almost everyone I know in recovery struggled with the same thing you are. You could literally say something like "I don't know how to be social without drinking and I am looking for things to do outside of meetings. Do you have any advice?"
You could invite someone to workout with you in the gym.
Do you share when you go to meetings? I was never shy about sharing from day one, and that helps build relationships. People would start getting to know me by what I shared, and they would see that I was serious about being sober.
I am not sure if you are religious, but there are lots of activities run through religious organizations that might be good opportunities to make new friends.
You could start volunteering somewhere. That is another good way to meet new people.
Those were some of the things that I did to start building a new social circle.
You have a car so you can offer to give people rides to meetings. Riding in a car with someone gives you a good opportunity to start to get to know them.
When you are hanging out after meetings you can ask people what they do outside of meetings. Almost everyone I know in recovery struggled with the same thing you are. You could literally say something like "I don't know how to be social without drinking and I am looking for things to do outside of meetings. Do you have any advice?"
You could invite someone to workout with you in the gym.
Do you share when you go to meetings? I was never shy about sharing from day one, and that helps build relationships. People would start getting to know me by what I shared, and they would see that I was serious about being sober.
I am not sure if you are religious, but there are lots of activities run through religious organizations that might be good opportunities to make new friends.
You could start volunteering somewhere. That is another good way to meet new people.
Those were some of the things that I did to start building a new social circle.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
I noticed that most people do not and never have drank alcohol the way I do, and do not care if I don't drink. So really making friends is the same as it always was. Now that doesn't make it easy haha but I just don't think it needs to be any different fro drinkers and not drinkers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,117
Hi,
I am pretty quiet and in the beginning found it uncomfortable to just walk up to folks in my meeting. After a bit I noticed if somebody brought any snack items they were gobbled up. So, I started baking and bringing them to my meeting .
It made me feel part of the group. Soon the secretary of the mtg asked who made these cupcakes , I raised my hand....you get the idea. That was 4 years ago. I still enjoy baking for my now friends.
I didn't have any big plan, it all came about naturally. Maybe there is something you can do for the meeting.....take on the coffee, or greeter commitment. Those are always great ways to meet people and they you!
Bobbi
I am pretty quiet and in the beginning found it uncomfortable to just walk up to folks in my meeting. After a bit I noticed if somebody brought any snack items they were gobbled up. So, I started baking and bringing them to my meeting .
It made me feel part of the group. Soon the secretary of the mtg asked who made these cupcakes , I raised my hand....you get the idea. That was 4 years ago. I still enjoy baking for my now friends.
I didn't have any big plan, it all came about naturally. Maybe there is something you can do for the meeting.....take on the coffee, or greeter commitment. Those are always great ways to meet people and they you!
Bobbi
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 102
I know how you feel. It just seems like making friends is a slow process. We just expect everything to happen fast because that is how our past addiction(s) have made us. You will make new friends. I will make new friends. It might just take awhile and that is ok. When I quit partying all of my old friends stopped hanging out with me anyway. Those people just go where the party is at.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,382
People often ask me for fashion advice, so we end up bonding that way. Also I live in San Antonio, so I often draw them out by talking about Manu Ginobili and Kawhi Leonard, my favorite players on the Spurs. Everybody here loves the Spurs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
It takes a while. Thinking about it all my closest friends in AA are the ones that I've shared rides with (and yes, we all drive, but that's not really the point of sharing the ride. A car is a fairly intimate space and the journey can give a great opportunity for getting to know each other as you chat).
Also, remember that people with years of sobriety tend to have their lives and families pretty much sussed, and full. And on early recovery in a way, those are the best people to talk to in meetings so we can learn from them (stick with the winners). But if you want to arrange an apres-meeting social thing (bowling or eating or cinema or whatever) then newcomers are likely to be the ones who most want /need this. Is there a Newcomers meeting somewhere near you? I know there is one in my neighbouring city on Friday nights and a there is always an open invitation for anyone attending the meeting to go out for food and socialising in a sober environment (restaurant without a licence to serve alcohol ) afterwards. If this is a gap in your area, perhaps you could resolve to stay sober and start that Newcomers meeting yourself when you've got enough recovery.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Also, remember that people with years of sobriety tend to have their lives and families pretty much sussed, and full. And on early recovery in a way, those are the best people to talk to in meetings so we can learn from them (stick with the winners). But if you want to arrange an apres-meeting social thing (bowling or eating or cinema or whatever) then newcomers are likely to be the ones who most want /need this. Is there a Newcomers meeting somewhere near you? I know there is one in my neighbouring city on Friday nights and a there is always an open invitation for anyone attending the meeting to go out for food and socialising in a sober environment (restaurant without a licence to serve alcohol ) afterwards. If this is a gap in your area, perhaps you could resolve to stay sober and start that Newcomers meeting yourself when you've got enough recovery.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 563
Great thread and lots of good ideas here. I've been sober for a year and attend three meetings a week, and I still feel like I've made only one real true friend - my sponsor! Even though I chat with many people in the meetings and they know me by name now, I still feel like I get to a meeting and sit by myself some of the time. Sometimes I'm okay with that and somedays that is really hard for me and I feel very awkward.
I agree with the suggestions to reach out to the newcomers because they haven't formed a "clique" yet and you can ask them how they are doing. Taking a commitment also helped people get to know me because I'm very shy and have a hard time sharing.
Keep going to meetings - you never know who many walk in the door. Thank you for your post!
I agree with the suggestions to reach out to the newcomers because they haven't formed a "clique" yet and you can ask them how they are doing. Taking a commitment also helped people get to know me because I'm very shy and have a hard time sharing.
Keep going to meetings - you never know who many walk in the door. Thank you for your post!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
When I was single I attended a few Christian Singles Groups.
There were mostly non drinkers there.
And several available nice Ladies.
I guess the commonly found dating sites might also work for some?
Stating out front in your profile -- I don't drink or use.
I don't drink, use or chew and don't go out with ladies that do.
M-Bob
There were mostly non drinkers there.
And several available nice Ladies.
I guess the commonly found dating sites might also work for some?
Stating out front in your profile -- I don't drink or use.
I don't drink, use or chew and don't go out with ladies that do.
M-Bob
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
As far experience in meetings, it was when I discovered a small group that I clicked with and it became my home group that I developed friends that stuck beyond the walls of a meeting. It is a group called "The Friends of Bill W Lunch Group" and meets MWF and yes, over lunch at a restaurant. There are other meetings like this in the Atlanta area and I would highly recommend trying one if you find it and seeing if this kind of setting works for you. When I go to the bigger clubhouses, some of these folks are there too (I stick with he winners too and one thing they all do is go to a lot of meetings and different types) and since the meetings are much more diverse, by nine months I see familiar faces if not outside friends. My AA related suggestion is to try meetings til you find folks, even just one, that you'd like to know better and try to do so.
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