I'm scared I'll fail - long post, sorry
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 60
I'm scared I'll fail - long post, sorry
Good afternoon everyone,
I found this site whilst researching rehab for myself. I have to quit drinking, but I don’t know how. It feels, frankly, impossible. Every day I say no more. I mean it too. But, for some reason no matter how convinced I am, by the end of the day, and increasingly by lunch time I’ve changed my mind.
Ten years ago I had gastric bypass surgery. Before hand I had lots of counseling which helped me see how I was addicted to food. Food helped me deal with some pretty ****** things in life, but it also made me incredibly unhealthy. When I had my surgery I weighed almost 500 pounds. The surgery worked. Within a year I was down to much better weight. Within two years I was an active, slim, happy woman. I got to do all the things I had dreamed about. I went on amazing holidays. I hiked on glaciers, I went ice climbing. I met a wonderful man. My life was pretty damn good. I was happy. For the first time in my life I felt I was living for myself. As opposed to living for others.
My family have a long and sad history of addiction to drugs and alcohol. My parents took my sister and I as babies from our home country to the US to escape their addictions, but of course it didn’t work. I have memories of my parents smoking crack. As I got older I became their carer. I had to forgo college to take care of them. I went to work to provide for my family instead. I raised my younger brothers and sister. I dealt with this by eating. But I avoided drugs and alcohol as I saw what it did. Sadly my beloved sister was not as lucky. In my 20s my parents split up and my mum got clean. It seemed like maybe I had a chance to have my own life, but it was not meant to be. My sister ended up pregnant. She had the baby and then me and my mum had to take her as my sister by this time was a heavy user of meth. So again, I couldn’t leave as I had this new responsibility. I worked throughout this time and built myself a ok career. It was enough that we could have a decent life. Unfortunately my parents never regulated our immigration status. Basically they came on a visitor visa and never left. No one ever suspected. Everyone assumed that we were Americans. I did not know what to do, I didn’t know how to fix it. I just kind of ignored it and thought everything would be fine. I was a baby when I came, I felt, looked, and talked like an American. I identified as American. I couldn’t speak the language of my birth country. No one ever asked. They just assumed. I felt safe.
Eventually my sister went to prison. I was happy! I thought she would get clean. Her stint in prison revealed our status. My sister was deported. My mum and I were trying to keep a low profile but we knew it was only a matter of time. Eventually we self deported. One of my (American ) brothers came with, the other stayed. We took my niece and thought we’d make a life in what to me was a foreign country. My sister sadly started using heroin. She tried many times to give up. She became HIV positive and contracted Hep C from needles. Eventually she went to rehab. She quit the heroin, but moved onto alcohol. She was a very very difficult drunk. Mean and nasty. It was very difficult to love her through this, but what could I do? It was this point in 2006 when I had my surgery. I eventually left my family and moved to the UK. I was 32 years old and for the first time I was living as an independent adult. I was living for myself, finally. It was hard to leave them, I felt and still do feel guilty about it. I basically abandoned them.
My mum and niece coped remarkably well however ( the excellent social security system of our home country helped). And I did my best to help how I could, but I accepted that I could not help my sister. I believed I deserved to have a life. Then in 2013 my partner asked me to marry him. I was so excited! I got to plan a wedding! Another milestone I never thought I would get to enjoy. I was however, fraught with worry. I didn’t want my sister or mum there. I was afraid, and embarrassed. I loved my sister very much and even though I had left them I still regularly supported them with money and gifts. But now, I wanted to save money to have the wedding. I didn’t tell my sister or mum about the wedding. I felt very very bad about that. I wanted something to help me cope. Something to help me feel less guilt. I ended up trying legal highs. And, they helped me cope by getting me very very high and letting me forget how selfish I felt I was being. At first I thought they would be harmless. It was like weed, I figured. But it wasn’t. a gram in the beginning lasted me three days. After 6 months I was doing a gram per day. I was being secretive and lying. But I told myself as soon as the wedding was over I’d stop. We had our wedding, We went on honeymoon. I had hell because I did not realize how horrible I would feel without the drugs. I was determined not to make the same mistakes. I felt I could do it.
Three days after we returned from honeymoon I got a phone call. My sister was in hospital I needed to come quick. She died three days later of liver failure. She had drunk herself to death. She was 39 years old. I was devastated and felt like the biggest piece of shit…she never knew I’d married my husband. Maybe if I’d had her involved she could have lived. I blamed myself. My head knows it’s not my fault, but my heart is not convinced.
The most pathetic part of my story, and the bit I’m most ashamed of is that I then turned to alcohol in my quest not use legal highs again. I figured that since I couldn’t drink a large volume it would not cause addiction. I would get a very good buzz off of one glass of wine. Though it took less in volume it never lasted long. So I’d drink more to keep it going. I’m now to the point where I drink all day. I drink at work. I drink and drive. Once I get home I drink until I blackout. I feel like I’m dying. I don’t’ have room for both food and alcohol. I always choose alcohol. I haven’t had a real meal in weeks. I often find myself with weird injuries, I’m not sure I’f I’m self harming or just injuring myself. My husband is at his wit’s end. Recently he noticed that I had been looking up ways to kill myself. I don’t remember most of the time doing this. One day I got a delivery of a helium tank. I don’t remember ordering it. He blew his top when he found a correspondence I had had with someone who was willing to kill themselves with me. I don’t remember it. He is scared I’ll kill myself. I am scared I’ll kill myself. He’s taken away my access to money. He’s doing all he can to try and stop me drinking but I always find a way. Sometimes I steal money out of his wallet. I’ve sold stuff. In my desk right now I have 12 miini bottle of vodka. I promised myself I’d wait until after lunch. It’s 12:30 now and I want to have just one. But I know as soon as I do…
I don’t how to stop. I’ve been to AA a few times. I feel great during and right after the meetings. I can do this! I can! But I never can. It feels hopeless to be honest. And I feel very very ashamed. I should know better. I DO know better. What the hell have I become? I smell. I ******* smell. My teeth are in bad shape, my lips are full of ulcers from all the bile I spew out during blackouts. I no longer do any of the things I was so proud of when I first lost weight. Because I don’t eat, I don’t have the energy. My hair is falling out.
I am going to see a rehab place tomorrow. It’s expensive. We are taking out a loan to fund it and I am absolutely terrified that I will fail. I can’t fail if I do, then it’s over for me. I can’t keep doing this to husband, my few remaining friends, my niece who looks up to me as the mum, my mother who is worried she will lose me too. I think to myself that it would be hard for them if I was gone, but easier for them long term. I feel like giving up.
So here I am. I know rehab isn’t a pancea. I hope though that it will give me enough sober time to get my head clear.
My name is Merigold and I’m an alcoholic.
I found this site whilst researching rehab for myself. I have to quit drinking, but I don’t know how. It feels, frankly, impossible. Every day I say no more. I mean it too. But, for some reason no matter how convinced I am, by the end of the day, and increasingly by lunch time I’ve changed my mind.
Ten years ago I had gastric bypass surgery. Before hand I had lots of counseling which helped me see how I was addicted to food. Food helped me deal with some pretty ****** things in life, but it also made me incredibly unhealthy. When I had my surgery I weighed almost 500 pounds. The surgery worked. Within a year I was down to much better weight. Within two years I was an active, slim, happy woman. I got to do all the things I had dreamed about. I went on amazing holidays. I hiked on glaciers, I went ice climbing. I met a wonderful man. My life was pretty damn good. I was happy. For the first time in my life I felt I was living for myself. As opposed to living for others.
My family have a long and sad history of addiction to drugs and alcohol. My parents took my sister and I as babies from our home country to the US to escape their addictions, but of course it didn’t work. I have memories of my parents smoking crack. As I got older I became their carer. I had to forgo college to take care of them. I went to work to provide for my family instead. I raised my younger brothers and sister. I dealt with this by eating. But I avoided drugs and alcohol as I saw what it did. Sadly my beloved sister was not as lucky. In my 20s my parents split up and my mum got clean. It seemed like maybe I had a chance to have my own life, but it was not meant to be. My sister ended up pregnant. She had the baby and then me and my mum had to take her as my sister by this time was a heavy user of meth. So again, I couldn’t leave as I had this new responsibility. I worked throughout this time and built myself a ok career. It was enough that we could have a decent life. Unfortunately my parents never regulated our immigration status. Basically they came on a visitor visa and never left. No one ever suspected. Everyone assumed that we were Americans. I did not know what to do, I didn’t know how to fix it. I just kind of ignored it and thought everything would be fine. I was a baby when I came, I felt, looked, and talked like an American. I identified as American. I couldn’t speak the language of my birth country. No one ever asked. They just assumed. I felt safe.
Eventually my sister went to prison. I was happy! I thought she would get clean. Her stint in prison revealed our status. My sister was deported. My mum and I were trying to keep a low profile but we knew it was only a matter of time. Eventually we self deported. One of my (American ) brothers came with, the other stayed. We took my niece and thought we’d make a life in what to me was a foreign country. My sister sadly started using heroin. She tried many times to give up. She became HIV positive and contracted Hep C from needles. Eventually she went to rehab. She quit the heroin, but moved onto alcohol. She was a very very difficult drunk. Mean and nasty. It was very difficult to love her through this, but what could I do? It was this point in 2006 when I had my surgery. I eventually left my family and moved to the UK. I was 32 years old and for the first time I was living as an independent adult. I was living for myself, finally. It was hard to leave them, I felt and still do feel guilty about it. I basically abandoned them.
My mum and niece coped remarkably well however ( the excellent social security system of our home country helped). And I did my best to help how I could, but I accepted that I could not help my sister. I believed I deserved to have a life. Then in 2013 my partner asked me to marry him. I was so excited! I got to plan a wedding! Another milestone I never thought I would get to enjoy. I was however, fraught with worry. I didn’t want my sister or mum there. I was afraid, and embarrassed. I loved my sister very much and even though I had left them I still regularly supported them with money and gifts. But now, I wanted to save money to have the wedding. I didn’t tell my sister or mum about the wedding. I felt very very bad about that. I wanted something to help me cope. Something to help me feel less guilt. I ended up trying legal highs. And, they helped me cope by getting me very very high and letting me forget how selfish I felt I was being. At first I thought they would be harmless. It was like weed, I figured. But it wasn’t. a gram in the beginning lasted me three days. After 6 months I was doing a gram per day. I was being secretive and lying. But I told myself as soon as the wedding was over I’d stop. We had our wedding, We went on honeymoon. I had hell because I did not realize how horrible I would feel without the drugs. I was determined not to make the same mistakes. I felt I could do it.
Three days after we returned from honeymoon I got a phone call. My sister was in hospital I needed to come quick. She died three days later of liver failure. She had drunk herself to death. She was 39 years old. I was devastated and felt like the biggest piece of shit…she never knew I’d married my husband. Maybe if I’d had her involved she could have lived. I blamed myself. My head knows it’s not my fault, but my heart is not convinced.
The most pathetic part of my story, and the bit I’m most ashamed of is that I then turned to alcohol in my quest not use legal highs again. I figured that since I couldn’t drink a large volume it would not cause addiction. I would get a very good buzz off of one glass of wine. Though it took less in volume it never lasted long. So I’d drink more to keep it going. I’m now to the point where I drink all day. I drink at work. I drink and drive. Once I get home I drink until I blackout. I feel like I’m dying. I don’t’ have room for both food and alcohol. I always choose alcohol. I haven’t had a real meal in weeks. I often find myself with weird injuries, I’m not sure I’f I’m self harming or just injuring myself. My husband is at his wit’s end. Recently he noticed that I had been looking up ways to kill myself. I don’t remember most of the time doing this. One day I got a delivery of a helium tank. I don’t remember ordering it. He blew his top when he found a correspondence I had had with someone who was willing to kill themselves with me. I don’t remember it. He is scared I’ll kill myself. I am scared I’ll kill myself. He’s taken away my access to money. He’s doing all he can to try and stop me drinking but I always find a way. Sometimes I steal money out of his wallet. I’ve sold stuff. In my desk right now I have 12 miini bottle of vodka. I promised myself I’d wait until after lunch. It’s 12:30 now and I want to have just one. But I know as soon as I do…
I don’t how to stop. I’ve been to AA a few times. I feel great during and right after the meetings. I can do this! I can! But I never can. It feels hopeless to be honest. And I feel very very ashamed. I should know better. I DO know better. What the hell have I become? I smell. I ******* smell. My teeth are in bad shape, my lips are full of ulcers from all the bile I spew out during blackouts. I no longer do any of the things I was so proud of when I first lost weight. Because I don’t eat, I don’t have the energy. My hair is falling out.
I am going to see a rehab place tomorrow. It’s expensive. We are taking out a loan to fund it and I am absolutely terrified that I will fail. I can’t fail if I do, then it’s over for me. I can’t keep doing this to husband, my few remaining friends, my niece who looks up to me as the mum, my mother who is worried she will lose me too. I think to myself that it would be hard for them if I was gone, but easier for them long term. I feel like giving up.
So here I am. I know rehab isn’t a pancea. I hope though that it will give me enough sober time to get my head clear.
My name is Merigold and I’m an alcoholic.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
Your brain right now is lying to you and telling you you can't do this. That's what happens with addiction...the substance latches on and down is up and black is white. So don't believe what it's telling you.
Your history doesn't have to be your future. You will get help and new tools at rehab and clear the toxic crap out of your system...you will remember your right mind and be reacquainted with your actual self.
You can do this.
Your brain right now is lying to you and telling you you can't do this. That's what happens with addiction...the substance latches on and down is up and black is white. So don't believe what it's telling you.
Your history doesn't have to be your future. You will get help and new tools at rehab and clear the toxic crap out of your system...you will remember your right mind and be reacquainted with your actual self.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Rehab isn't a panacea, but with all you've shared I'd say it's a very good beginning.
You're carrying a pretty tremendous burden. Beyond 'not drinking' and 'not using' lies a lot of healing.
I found that in sobriety, turning into the pain and trauma of life and working through it with qualified psychological help was essential to my recovery and growth.
You CAN and will get beyond this and on the other side lies a rich and abundant life of gratitude and joy.
Get into rehab. Pick up the Big Book. Get a good counselor. Do the work. YOU CAN BE HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE.
You're carrying a pretty tremendous burden. Beyond 'not drinking' and 'not using' lies a lot of healing.
I found that in sobriety, turning into the pain and trauma of life and working through it with qualified psychological help was essential to my recovery and growth.
You CAN and will get beyond this and on the other side lies a rich and abundant life of gratitude and joy.
Get into rehab. Pick up the Big Book. Get a good counselor. Do the work. YOU CAN BE HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 258
Sending along some positive thoughts and prayers from another gastric bypass patient that also turned from food to alcohol and got quite out of control. I have 36 hours of sobriety and refuse to look back. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Merigold- I am a 4th generation alcoholic. My bro died of booze. My dad died of booze. A year ago I nearly, well actually did- die from burns I got from drinking. My family from that moment cut ties with me. I had no home, career, money, family- nothing. I ended up in very basic, very dangerous living arrangements- a Hollywood picture perfect boarding house- full of drug dealers, filth and despair. I binged for 4 weeks after leaving hospital. I was on a scary cocktail of drugs- from the hospital to cover the pain. My situation was hell. I stopped taking and meds because the pain was the only thing that reminded me I was alive. I did not care enough about myself to even think about death- after all I had been there. The bed I woke up in hospital was the same bed- same nurse, same hospital my bro died in- he was 40. I found out about my family and my dad dying seconds after being revived from an induced coma.
I obviously encourage you to stop drinking. If you do not think anything could possibly get worse- well they can. I cannot blame alcohol. It did not force me at gunpoint to drink it- I did.
Great you are getting help. DO NOT go where I have been- you have had a taste of a good life. You need to get sober. Reach out, share at SR. Keep posting. My heart goes out to you- drinking sucks.
Prayers to you- PJ.
btw- I am okay now- safe, sober and sane- getting on with doing stuff.
I obviously encourage you to stop drinking. If you do not think anything could possibly get worse- well they can. I cannot blame alcohol. It did not force me at gunpoint to drink it- I did.
Great you are getting help. DO NOT go where I have been- you have had a taste of a good life. You need to get sober. Reach out, share at SR. Keep posting. My heart goes out to you- drinking sucks.
Prayers to you- PJ.
btw- I am okay now- safe, sober and sane- getting on with doing stuff.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
You are very wise to seek rehab. Go. Stay as long as you can. Opportunities to make something ALL about you don't come along everyday. Take it. You deserve it. Be open and willing to receive the help you need.
I wish you the best.
I wish you the best.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Thank you so much for sharing your story Merigold.
Never give up hope - there is life after alcoholism and addiction.
Rehab may give you that time out and headstart you need?
You'll find a ton of support and understanding here too
D
Never give up hope - there is life after alcoholism and addiction.
Rehab may give you that time out and headstart you need?
You'll find a ton of support and understanding here too
D
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Merigold, welcome. Working for recovery from any addiction is difficult work, but it CAN be done. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There is a life that is richer and fuller than anything you've known waiting for you. And it will come to you little by little. But you need to be willing to take the actions necessary to achieve sobriety every single day. There are tons of resources out in the world to help you. Start exploring and find one that suits you and go after it
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Welcome Merigold,
I'm glad you posted and shared your story. If you are motivated, you will be able to stop drinking. It's hard but you can do it and I hope that the rehab helps you to begin the process. We do understand and we're here for you.
I'm glad you posted and shared your story. If you are motivated, you will be able to stop drinking. It's hard but you can do it and I hope that the rehab helps you to begin the process. We do understand and we're here for you.
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