Soupie

I suffered a lot of traumatic experiences 16 years ago and fell into a deep depression. I was scared of feeling so bad and started drinking heavily to numb my feelings. My daughter was only five years old at the time. After two years of drinking I went into rehab and joined AA but I did not take it seriously and used it more as a social event because I was so lonely. We had recently returned to the states from the UK. After two years of sobriety I started drinking again. I was in total denial and could not see the destruction I was causing around me. My daughter by this time was 18 and said she didn't want me living there anymore. She was quite abusive for a long time which did not help. I knew I had failed and my ex and I separated and I came back home. I cannot quite take in how badly I acted and recently saw a therapist who said I had PTSD. My daughter doesn't want anything more to do with me and my ex has met another woman. I loved them both so much before my breakdown and I have lost them both. It is so hard to move forward although I keep trying. I have decided today that I am not going to drink anymore because I believe it contributes to my depression. I never in a million years think I would end up in this situation.

Gottalife

My heart goes out to you Soupie, and welcome to SR. I lost it all, or never got it in the first place all due the the fact that I was alcoholic and could not control mt drinking. I did one of the things you talked about, at least I did in the end when I had run out of options. I went to AA and I really took it seriously. I haven't needed to drink since. Maybe you should try again.

Yogini1603

Hi Soupie

I'm glad you're here.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot at the moment and seeing a therapist can really help.

You're making a positive change right now by not drinking.

I also suffer with depression and it's so much better since I got sober. My mood is lifted and more consistent. I take medication for it and it feels like it's finally working after messing it up with booze for so long.

If you return to AA for the social aspect, so be it! I first went 3 years ago and didn't like it. This time round I know I can't do it without other people to text, hang out with etc that are also in recovery, so I went back to AA. I'm doing 90 meetings in 90 days and it's working for me. Although I first went there 40-odd days ago for community, I've started working a programme and I'm looking for a sponsor.

Be patient with yourself and I'm sure you'll find a recovery plan that works for you. Could be this website and a bunch of other stuff! Everyone's recovery is different :-)

Notimetoloose

Welcome, I am so sorry for the breakdown of your relationships.
I hope in time it can get worked out.
Quitting drinking is a great decision.

MellowHeather

H Soupie

Well - firstly - it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you can understand what's going on. I think you're emotionally-smart enough to get through this.

That you had to go through these experiences is crap. But - yes - definitely let the drink go and you can control the rest. Help is always available.

It's not helpful to have a whole pile of personal issues going on when you have a struggle yourself, but there is life sometimes. In a year, everything may have changed and you'll look back to this time with understanding, and pride, and amazement!

Wish you the best, but I think you can do this all for sure.

Dee74

Welcome Soupie

I believe it's never to late to start a Chapter 2, or too late to dediuscover the person we really are

I'm glad you've found us.

D

D122y

Soupie,

Welcome. First post. You are in a good place.

Sorry that the addiction took away people you love. We all are/were fighting for our lives.

We are addicts for life. Once clean physically, The mental looms for the rest of our lives.

You might know this.

Our analysis is defense to stay clean for now. AA is part of that for some. SR is part of that for some. I use SR.

I believe in time, we stop obsessing over this rediculous addiction.

Once that happens, we must have a memory of the hell that made us decide to quit. Like remembering not to stick a key in an electric socket.

I find myself craving less, but still craving.

I come here when I am sitting around. I get reminded of the horror of our addiction.

Stay clean.

PhoenixJ

Hi Soupie- I am in the same situation you are in. I had a rock bottom with steroids. Alcohol made everything far, far worse. Not drinking is essential for anything positive to happen. I constantly remind myself if I have any chance at all of my 2 adult sons ever wanting me in their lives again- sobriety is a no brainer. I remind myself every day I have to remain sober for me- not them. If I am not sober for me- they will turn disgust into hatred. Keep sharing- a therapist helps me as well as regular health checks with my GP, AA meetings ,SMART and here (part of what I will be doing for my alone xmas). Whatever it takes. ANYTHING is better than the hell I gifted myself. Do not let yourself do that. Keep posting. Thoughts and prayers to you.
PJ.

Soupie

Thank you all for your support. The thing with living in the UK is drinking is big part of our culture. With Christmas coming up I am facing my hardest test. I will be visiting my boyfriend who likes a drink. I do not want to tell him I am a recovering alcoholic but I hope he does not pressure me and think it strange that I am not drinking. My mother died of alcoholism and that was one of the traumas as my father did not warn me she was dying. It was a massive shock. Anyway, live and let live and one day at a time. I am worn out apologising to my ex and daughter without getting any reply.

graced333

Hi - what Dee wrote!

LadyBlue0527

I'm glad you're here Soupie. This board is a great place to be and with it, you're never alone.

tomsteve

the morning after my last drunk- after passing in on the couch and knowing i did something not good(again), i walked into the bedroom with a cup of coffee for my( by then ex. i just hadn't been informed yet) fiancé who was sitting on the bed balling. through the tears she told me some of what i had done and said, then said, " get out! get the **** out!! i am DONE!"
i didn't argue. packed a bag and left.
i ended up at an AA meeting 2 days later completely defeated- the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality.
got me the BB real quick, went to meetings, and started working the steps.
something that occurred to me early on is how many times i apologized and said, "im sorry." i said "im sorry" so many times my fiancé would say," youre ******* right youre sorry."

the program taught me alcoholism was just a symptom of much deeper problems. it helped me find those causes and conditions, how to change, and make amends, which aren't saying im sorry.
i no longer feel like a hopeless,helpless,useless,wothless POS. i feel good about who i am and love myself today.


hope ya get back to AA and take it seriously now. youre worth it.

Delilah1

Hi Soupie,

Welcome to SR, lots of great advice above, and you will find lots of support on this site.

I know the holidays can be stressful, there area few posts on here about getting through them sober. It also sounds like you could benefit from AA, SMART or another face to face group.

Stick around here today, there will be people popping in all day ready to listen.

❤️ Delilah

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, Soupie! It's good to have you with us. I'm sorry for everything you've lost due to drinking. Lots of us here have been brought low by the bottle. The good news, actually great news, is that there is hope! You can stop for good and begin the process of creating a life that you actually will want to live.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Soupie!!

Dee74

That may be true - but if I can stay sober in Australia...you can in the UK.
I won't lie - it means some changes about what you do and who you do it with - but they turned out to be good changes for me and ones I never regretted.

Soupie

I am determined not to end up like my mum. I did not know anything about alcoholism and it was a horrendous experience. I think the guilt of not understanding and getting annoyed by her has played on my mind all that time. She weighed about 80 lbs when she died. Her skin was grey and her eyes were yellow. It was the beginning of a catastrophe of events. My father said I KILLED HER because I moved to the states and she was heartbroken. Imagine having that added to your guilt? It ended our marriage which was devastating to me but I had changed from a happy go lucky woman to a nervous wreck. I did not get any support like many people seem to on here which was lonely. The worst part was none of it was my fault. Thank you for your lovely comments.

Delilah1

Hi Soupie,

You will get lots of support on SR. How are you feeling tonight?

teatreeoil007

Welcome!! You won't regret joining here!!

Soupie

I'm fine thank you.