Unhappy Thanksgiving (for me)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Unhappy Thanksgiving (for me)
After 37 sober days, I drank last Thursday. And then on Friday when I was under the influence, I went looking for signs of the online presence of my ex-boyfriend. I found out that he died in January.
I drank through Sunday, possibly very early Monday. I have no desire to drink now but I am brokenhearted. This man meant the world to me for eight years. Our relationship was long-distance. I would normally be (wrongly) dismissive of such a relationship, but I felt like ours was far better and closer than many "normal" relationships I've observed. I thought as recently as summer of last year that we were going to get back together. The last contact I had with him was by text a year ago.
It was the only serious relationship of my adult life. My drinking definitely contributed to its demise, but he also confessed to me once that he had intimacy issues that had nothing to do with that. I found out, reading condolences and obituaries online, that he had a second daughter he'd never told me about. I reached out to his sister last night and she was very kind and gave me a little more detail. She offered to send me a prayer card.
I don't feel anything but pain and sorrow right now. I know I need to start an actual recovery plan again regardless of this happening, but I also feel like it's a way to honor him, especially since my drinking hurt him as much as it did. But I also have so many questions about him, and about our relationship and whether he was literally just "phoning it in" in those last years. He tried to break up with me once before I was forced to move home with my parents and I basically begged him not to.
What's "funny" is that after cutting off contact with me, he reached out to me again after seven months when he could have, at that point, just stayed gone. We started sort of sporadically communicating by text and email, and at least twice I tested him by not responding to an email to see if he would reach out again to push me for a response. And he did. And that ultimately led to him indicating that he wanted to try again.
I'm confused, depressed, grief-stricken. I've been reading his old emails and texts to me and analyzing them. It's kinda like a form of torture but at the same time I feel compelled.
Thanks for reading this. I'm just kind of a fountain of emotion at this point. And thanks for being there.
I drank through Sunday, possibly very early Monday. I have no desire to drink now but I am brokenhearted. This man meant the world to me for eight years. Our relationship was long-distance. I would normally be (wrongly) dismissive of such a relationship, but I felt like ours was far better and closer than many "normal" relationships I've observed. I thought as recently as summer of last year that we were going to get back together. The last contact I had with him was by text a year ago.
It was the only serious relationship of my adult life. My drinking definitely contributed to its demise, but he also confessed to me once that he had intimacy issues that had nothing to do with that. I found out, reading condolences and obituaries online, that he had a second daughter he'd never told me about. I reached out to his sister last night and she was very kind and gave me a little more detail. She offered to send me a prayer card.
I don't feel anything but pain and sorrow right now. I know I need to start an actual recovery plan again regardless of this happening, but I also feel like it's a way to honor him, especially since my drinking hurt him as much as it did. But I also have so many questions about him, and about our relationship and whether he was literally just "phoning it in" in those last years. He tried to break up with me once before I was forced to move home with my parents and I basically begged him not to.
What's "funny" is that after cutting off contact with me, he reached out to me again after seven months when he could have, at that point, just stayed gone. We started sort of sporadically communicating by text and email, and at least twice I tested him by not responding to an email to see if he would reach out again to push me for a response. And he did. And that ultimately led to him indicating that he wanted to try again.
I'm confused, depressed, grief-stricken. I've been reading his old emails and texts to me and analyzing them. It's kinda like a form of torture but at the same time I feel compelled.
Thanks for reading this. I'm just kind of a fountain of emotion at this point. And thanks for being there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by MeSoSober 
I know I need to start an actual recovery plan again regardless of this happening, but I also feel like it's a way to honor him, especially since my drinking hurt him as much as it did.
For us a Recovery Plan works wonders -- if we work it daily.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm sorry for your loss. My husband died 5 years ago so I know grief. I also know that my sobriety and his death are 2 different issues....although its hard to tell my addiction that at times. Its very easy to ponder what happened, why, what does it mean. Grief is one of the hardest things to process for sure. I do know that the answers are not at the bottom of a bottle. I hope you can find some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Originally Posted by Gilmer
How are you doing today, MeSo?
I have to believe that despite the demise of our romantic relationship and my lingering questions, that what we had was real. That he was flawed but was mostly the man I believed he was, the good man many other people clearly felt he was as they expressed on his condolences web pages, and that nothing can change that now. I hope that despite an unpleasant final text exchange, he knew that I still loved him. He had reason to believe it.
I know that my momentary sense of peace will pass and more pain lies ahead. But I also feel inspired by him to live a better life, to honor him in any way I can -- particularly, but not only, by staying sober. And yes, that's going to start with a recovery plan. I made an outline of a plan by hand about a month ago but I'm not sure where it is now. I'll find it or I'll start again.
Thanks for asking Gilmer. You're a gem. And thanks to all of the rest of you for your condolences and advice. This place saves lives. I know that too.
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Mesosober: Hope you can pick up where you left off. So start day 38, not day 1 and review the plan you were following, mend it if necessary, get some tips on preventing relapses from others with longer recovery or from counselors. There are threads or discussions on this as well as lots of other stuff here on SR.
If you get some long term sobriety going I'm sure you can have a fine relationship once more with no regrets.. Mourn your friend's loss but then let the sun come out again. Good luck.
Bill
If you get some long term sobriety going I'm sure you can have a fine relationship once more with no regrets.. Mourn your friend's loss but then let the sun come out again. Good luck.
Bill
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
MeSoSober - I can imagine the pain this has brought you. I'm really glad you wanted to talk about what happened & your reaction. At 37 days sober we're still very fragile. You could have isolated for a while, or pretended you didn't drink. I'm glad you chose to be open about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Oh, MeSo....I believe and feel that Bill (wpainterw) has given you a most wise suggestion, luv. Very gentle, and understanding that Life is....bloody hard!
I do relate to your story about this man, and the (often-unexpected) sense of connection we find with someone in our lives. And then, to find that they are gone, and to be faced with feeling that perhaps it was much more complicated than first imagined....? That is very hard.
We understand pain here, as you know. We do the best we can in sometimes very difficult circumstances. I believe it's called Being Human.
Big hugs
x Vic
I do relate to your story about this man, and the (often-unexpected) sense of connection we find with someone in our lives. And then, to find that they are gone, and to be faced with feeling that perhaps it was much more complicated than first imagined....? That is very hard.
We understand pain here, as you know. We do the best we can in sometimes very difficult circumstances. I believe it's called Being Human.
Big hugs
x Vic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
