Feeling like drinking after more than a year
 

Hi all,

I've been trying to improve myself over the past few years.

Gave up weed, changed from ciggies to vaping, stopped drinking in January of 2015.

Yesterday I was at the surgeons for a final meeting to discuss gastric sleeve surgery.

Previously I was told that I was a good candidate.

Yesterday I was told that because of my addictive tendencies they were cautious about proceeding with any surgery.

When I met with them I told them about my smoking and vaping and weed and alcohol. They knew that over a decade ago I spent a year throwing up to lose weight. I told them everything.

I am shattered.

I feel like the changes I have made don't really matter. If I've screwed up in the past, that's all that matters.

I also feel that being honest is not the best policy.

If I'd just lied to them instead of telling them the truth, I probably wouldn't have this problem.

Right now, I'm thinking about getting blackout drunk and just playing computer games. Like the olden days.

Why bother trying when your past is what matters to people?

That's a pretty shortsighted view, don't you think DD? You have a full year or sobriety which is fantastic. Would you really throw it all away just because one doctor has an opinion you don't like? Remember it can take a long time for our bodies to fully recover, and you may need a bit longer to be ready for such a procedure, or seek a second opinion.

But do you really want to go back to where you were a year ago?

Maybe it is because they are worried about your health?

I'd definitely get a second opinion. You seem like a far better candidate mentally and physically than 12 months ago.

Even without the op your life is immeasurably better - try not to lose sight of that, DD :)

D

I think your handle, DrunkenDonuts, suggests you don't take yourself seriously at all. You want to make a big joke out of this, the whole thing.

Honesty is ALWAYS. Always. Always. Best.

Start there. Try to work out that one universal truth. Nothing else will ever change if you don't believe that honesty is best.

I agree with Dee about getting a second opinion. This is not worth your year of sobriety and positive changes.

I think names or identifying markers are pretty irrelevant to the whole business.

Please think about things before just automatically reacting. I used to just react negatively, feel hopeless, and get blackout drunk.

Do you play civ? Mmorpg? Other great computer games?

Well there is no point playing them in a blackout. If you are sober your mind will continue to heal. What if you drank and died? What if you run over someone while driving in a blackout?

Please just think. Did you have withdrawals? Alcohol does not bring pleasure to addicts. It intensifies shame, misery, and horror.

I can relate so much to that self-destructive f it feeling. Please try to slow down and think. Use your strong mind. At 17 months sober I am seeing so many things from my past and childhood that make me feel terrified. But I don't have to react like a spoiled, hurt child any longer.

Please research other options and medical opinions before you even entertain the thought of drinking. There are always options and alternatives.

I have had the blood tests and I've spent years talking with psychologists.

Right now I don't care.

I gave my respect to someone and it feels as if they're telling me I'm not good enough.

Drinking for me has always been about not thinking. Don't want to think about something? Get drunk.

I don't want to think about this.

You're fine to have your opinion, as I'm fine to tell you you're wrong.

Judgement of me based on something as tiny as my username is poor judgement.

I realise they have a duty of care.

It's that it feels as if they're passing judgement without knowing me.

But because I was honest, they're basing their decision off things I have told them.

They don't know about the hard work I have done in trying to make myself better. The years of seeing a psychologist. The retraining of my thought process.

Thanks for your reply.

I know that what you're saying is true logically.

Feelings aren't logical though.

At least I stopped here to post before I booked into a hotel and drank for a week.

Addictions not logical no...but you have a year behind you of dealing with it's illogicality.

Drinking is not going to make you less disappointed, but moreso....

It's a mug punt. (Bad bet for our non aussie friends)

D

Well I can tell you as someone who just did exactly that, after a year, last night.... get drunk and played computer games like the old days. A night of fun was really not worth it. Especially to lose faith in myself.

Before you proceed to a blackout, please please get a second opinion.😊

So all the hard work you did was actually a lie was it? Alcohol is more important than your self esteem? Self destructive thinking. Stay safe- call your psychologist. Do not do this,

That's BS. If you didn't care you wouldn't be here. You are mad...that is clear, and that's good....it means you value the effort and time you've put into the last year.

Go back and read some of your posts from a year ago...you were a disaster, just like the rest of us when we were drinking. That's exactly where you will end up too. Use that energy to seek other options and keep on as you have.

I had a fear of thinking too much and a fear of feeling too much.
I hated being disappointed too.

Drinking never actually made any of those things better, it just made them worse.

I guarantee your perspective on this will be different in a few days.

Have faith in your recovery and your ability to deal with situations like this without drinking.

D

Reading that, I would say that you HAVE improved yourself without question DrunkenDonuts. 22 months plus sober is a real achievement

I would definitely get a second opinion and if possible some more feedback from the surgeon - what would it take to feel less concerned about your past lifestyle.

I notice too that they said they were "cautious about proceeding" rather than an outright no so maybe it is just a question of satisfying them on some issues or perhaps it means they want a bit more time, again perhaps you could get some clarification

It seems unfair that they are leaving you in limbo DD but if you drink now it will give them the satisfaction of thinking they were right all along, as well as all the other negatives that resuming drinking entails

You have put too much effort into changing yourself and done too well to throw it away, hang in there and argue your case

Good luck

I'm going to take a different tack here.

Quick fixes don't fix things long-term. You have overcome many addictive behaviors already, food is just another one to be dealt with. I had to do the same thing.

Why can't you lose the weight without the surgery? I've read too many stories of this procedure not being the "fix" people think it is going to be. Just like alcoholism, being over-weight is about what you are putting in your own mouth. Eating more than is needed is a behavior used as a coping tool or a mindless action. Both can be overcome in the same way as alcohol or any other addictive behavior.

Join MyFitnessPal. Log all your food. Eat at a small calorie deficit. Lose the weight. They have a really active and knowledgeable forum on MyFitnessPal. You can do this.

Being honest with the doctor and having him/her deny this risky surgery is exactly what was supposed to happen. You can do this without surgery - lots of people do. Your own ability to heal your addictions has already been proven! Food is the next one to learn. The sleeve would not teach you how to eat for the rest of your life.

If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution.

You can lose the weight without surgery. How great would that be? :)

biminiblue makes a great point. I've now lost 68 pounds since late February using MFP to track all my food and am about a zillion times healthier now. Surgery is far from the only option here, and likely not even optimal.