blackened83

I don`t think i can forget it because i am feeling so bad this time. Anxiety is sky rocketing sometimes.. I will never feel like this again

blackened83

You are right.. I am feeling worse than i did before. On the bright side this time i know this feelings will pass.

blackened83

Yes i see what you mean.. I think i am paying the price right now. But i don`t get it why is it worse. My body should have recovered for some in 2 months but i see it did not..

Yogini1603

The progressive nature of it, is truly a bitch. I've relapsed so many times and I hope it never happens again (one day at a time and all that!)

The anxiety will pass and you know you will feel better. You need to take care of yourself right now, don't worry about what happened yesterday, just be kind and patient with yourself and heal!

tomsteve

since you said,'what the hell" I think you should have more intensity and vigilance.

August252015

Actually, yes and no. Scientifically speaking, that's not exactly how it works. Every body is different but it takes time to undo and heal from the damage every one of us did to our body. I learned a lot about the body and alcohol's effects on it, from our CNS to each organ (esp liver and pancreas, plus heart - not to mention skin- you know, all of it!!) when I played at a pricey rehab. I know that what I have been taught is that our bodies typically need a year- some say two for women- to be as "completely" healed as we are going to get. I have my hard copy notes somewhere but that's not feasible to share here, ha - so see a piece on PAWS - see digitaldharma.net "Why we don't get better immediately" - this is a terrific piece on the healing process. You may also want to read up on kindling.

Every body is different. As I have said many times before, I was a VERY serious case and given a year, 18 mo to live if I didn't quit. I went cold turkey on Feb 22 (so now sober 9 mo!) and within about 100 days had a clean liver test (HTF that happened besides being a God given miracle is the "why" for that one, given the brink of cirrhosis and impending death by alcoholism I was on) as well as stats on all blood tests, etc smack in the middle of normal. Some things linger (see my comments on the AN thread) and I suffered serious PAWS - throwing up, exhaustion, tremors and leg seizures, incontinence, a whole lot- and somehow my body is an example of the amazing things a human can come back from. I have also found that some symptoms (physical ones, as well as mental and emotional) ebb and flow even as my sober time progresses. Now, I chalk the physical stuff up to my regular life- and things like feet cramping to my job working long hours as a server- not necessarily my alcoholism. Whatever the reason, it's completely livable now. My body is way better, and it is also not entirely healed. Having reasonable expectations for myself and learning how to take care of it- example, fatigue is still a big thing for me and I ahve to both watch how tired I get and what I try to pack into life, and factor in downtime for recovering after a few really full days. Learning to do that is key.

I don't suggest getting this sick to anyone. I am grateful I did because it is one of the things that absolutely ensures I will not drink again (followed immediately by my strong AA program of every day working for sobriety) - but you can stop the progression, which most of us will attest will continue to happen if you don't quit, any time. Like today.

I will close by saying that the expectation of "getting better soon" can be a big deterrent to people staying sober in the short term. Some people are out exercising after two weeks, sleeping well, feeling great (sidenote: read up on the pink cloud phenomenon) etc....others not so much, and can get frustrated or worse and choose to drink again because you think you will feel better that way. Usually, the whole cycle of repair and recovery begins again the next time you quit, and its worse.

Good luck.

Gottalife

Just about my story. The feelings passed and I forgot. Again and again my memory let me down. It proved inadequate as a means of defence against the fatal first drink.

I don't think of relapse as part of recovery but rather as a stepping stone to a recovery method that works. If we have found a method that works, we won't relapse.

Not as easy as it sounds. For many of us will try, repeatedly, methods that have not worked for us. Repeating the same mistake in the same way, expecting different results.

Eventually, if we survive, we might try something different, maybe let go of some old ideas and prejudices.

blackened83

Thanks a lot.. I am glad your liver is okay and you are doing well. My blood tests were also not good, i will see if they get better in 90 days with 3 days of stupid drinking and share with you all in case somebody is qurious...

blackened83

Exactly what i was thinking... I see this relapse as a blessing which showed me if i ever drink again i will waste at least couple of weeks from my life feeling miserable.. I was thinking i will not drink a year, i will recover and be a social drinker.. Now i now i can`t and won`t even try

Algorithm

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you believe that only alcoholics can't drink, and that not drinking is a punishment of sorts for alcoholics.

On the other hand, you also probably really love to drink, even if you believe that you are an alcoholic. That belief doesn't seem to deter you.

Why did you keep drinking for three days after realizing that you forgot (ie, remembered) that you were an alcoholic?

Could it be that in reality, anyone can drink, but that some people who really love to drink, probably shouldn't drink?

What do you think about all of this?

blackened83

Well i don`t know exactly but when i start to drink i can`t seem to stop for days (stopping in 3 days is really something for me).

Delilah1

I'm glad you are back, and that you stopped yourself fairly quick and got right back here. I am almost 11 months sober, and my anxiety has greatly dissipated during that time. Read, post, come up with a plan that will work for you. You know how good that sober time felt, just start building up days again, one at a time.

Algorithm

You've learned that you can't stop for a while, and then be a social drinker. You've learned that after you start to drink, you make the grievous error of continuing to drink, probably to get that deep buzz that social drinkers don't usually strive for.

You've also learned that you tend to forget that you can't drink, possibly because you know that you can drink, albeit with possible consequences, or simply because the pain of past drinking is sometimes difficult to recall.

So, what is your plan, then?

Gottalife

"These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control."

This is one possible explanation. It certainly fitted the facts in my case.

August252015

This right here. No one is ever guaranteed another chance. No one; even those of us who weren't as sick as I was, if we are alcoholic and we have gotten to the point where we need to quit.....it's not about the risk of just suffering for a few days as being the most likely outcome. Any episode of drinking again could put us at risk of ....up to death.

Your choice about permanence. I know my boyfriend set a one year life change, from sobriety to healthy habits to spirituality, and quickly- around 30 days- was realizing that it was a permanent deal for him.

One reason permanent sobriety is the best choice is you no longer have to wrangle with the mental cross of all the questions you have now. That's some kind of massive peace, right there, IME.

Good luck.

SnazzyDresser

Exactly, great point by August25 there. The stakes are huge, much bigger than a few days/weeks inconvenience while you get back on track. There is no guarantee whatsoever you'll even be able to get back on track, that's the thing! You have to treasure your sobriety for the invaluable blessing it is and be tenacious in guarding it from all challenges, without and within.