dieinginside

Hello everybody. I am new here. I am not quite sure what I am looking for soooo I guess I'll start by telling you my story.

I am married have been for almost 7 years. I got married way to young to a man who is yet to grow up. He doesn't seem to see the importance of having a job. For years we both used pot daily and occasionally other drugs. I stopped smoking pot on my birthday last year and have asked him to stop. We have 3 children and I don't want to be the reason they use drugs... Ok here is the clincher. Crack. We have our binges... He just brings it home and I can't tell him no. I don't want it or any other drug I have totally had enough. I just stared going back to church and I want to be saved. I just don't feel like I can make that commitment given my current situation. I used to say I did not want him to leave because I loved him. At this point I am disgusted by the sight of him. I hate what he has turned me into. I hate that he only thinks about himself. I hate that he can't make changes for our kids. I feel like he is the root of everything bad in my life. I am consumed with resent. I truly believe that if we were not together my children and I could be happy.

I have never been in a situation where I could share this. I really needed to get it out and get some feedback. I feel broken inside and I don't think he is at a ponit in his life where he wants to get better. I am at a point where I won't take anything else for myself. I am week and do not know how to tell him how I feel. I wish I couls just write on a paper "leave us alone" and he would go with no talking.

Please help me.

Anna

Hi Dieinginside,

I am so glad that you found us! Welcome! I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic and I can hear the pain that you are feeling.

It sounds like you are in a position that you no longer want to be in and that you want to regain control of your life. I think you need to focus on yourself and your recovery for yourself and your children. Whether or not you stay with your husband you owe yourself a better, sober life.

This is a great place to come to get support and encouragement and I hope you keep coming back.

lulu70

Hello--Welcome to SR. This is a great place to vent, and write about your feelings. For me, writing has always been a good way for me to sort out what's going on in my head. Good luck to you. It sounds like you know what you want/need to do. Now you just have to figure out how to do it.

Hugs--

Richie

You're going to have to make some difficult choices,and it seems that you know what they need to be.I'm glad you're going to church.Perhaps you can get some consuling there on what is your best course of action.Look to God and he will give you strength.I will pray for you and for your children.God Bless!

dieinginside

I'm going to share something else. It is something about church last Sundy. I haven't told anyone for fear of sounding stupid. I find it very significant though.

Ok I left church last week with the same hallow empty wanting pain. Like I needed to turn around and go back... Its weird. It's not a sick feeling just a horrible saddness as I go back to my life without making the commitment. So here the thing That day I heard a song on the radio everytime I got in the car. I haven't heard this song again but I heard it everytime I was in the car Sunday. I only got in the car twice, from church and to the store bout 5 min away. These are the lyrics to the song:

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.


I don't know... It made me cry. I even passed up my house. God wants me to make this stand for myself. At least I know someone is pulling for me. I am so lonely right now.

~Kimberly~

splendra

(((((Kimberly)))))-

First of all I want to welcome you to Sober Recovery!!! I also want to tell you that I do not think you are stupid!!!

I know how you feel. What God wants for us is to seek His will for us. It is difficult to get past what we think we want. When we finally are able to actively seek His will we find that it truely is what we want....

I think you have been saved but, you may be looking for it to feel like a drug high. But, feelings aren't always about what is really happening. Sometimes our feelings are about reactions to conditions and just because we feel one way or another doesn't mean it is truth.

Another thing is when we use drugs and or are involved with an addict we get numb and don't feel anything and when we stop using or focusing on the addict we can get hit with a barge of emotion some of it from years past. It takes time to get up to date with our fears and anger and to understand where the emotion is coming from. We do need to acknowledge our emotion and ask ourselves why we feel this or that.

I would like to reckomend that you go to alanon or naranon meetings they will help you sort out your life and see what direction you need to go in for your own spiritual,mental,emotional, and phyiscal health. Best wishes to you seeking the Lord is an amazing journey!!!s to you....

dieinginside

I do feel called...If that makes sense. I just haven't made the commitment. I don't feel right doing it like this. I am too broken and the source is still here I am eaten up with resent and he is constantly trying to "feel good". I don't go out and buy crack. I never have. I won't he knows that so he brings it home. I have tried the silent (sorta silent) thing for a few days. Today I made him mad. I hid the XBox game he has been playing 10-12 hours a day for the last week while he should have been looking for a job. He is mowing my grandmothers yard (she pays him). I think he may be planning on leaving with a friend. If he chooses to leave I will ask him not to come back. I will pack his bags for him and have them ready by tomorrow. We will not go through the drama of him packing in fromt of the kids. Not again. They have been through enough.

Wish me luck

samedsp

I know how you feel. I have been involved with an alcoholic for about seven years. I do not drink at all so that was hard. There were times I would come home and the sight of him would make me cringe. My faith kept me alive and sane, but it was hard. I went away on vacation with my parents and when I came back he was in rehab. He spent four months there and was sober for a year. I was happy. One day I came home from work and he had taken off work and I walked in and I knew the minute he said my name he was drunk. I had to accept the fact that no matter what I did or what I said I was not the reason he drank again, the choice was his (something I learned from Al-Anon). You should try a few of the meetings because there are people just like you there and they don't judge they listen. It is extremely important for you and your children to be mentally healthy. You need to take care of you and them. Everyone has choices in life and they must suffer the consequences. His choice is drugs your choice should be for you and your children. Also, don't be ashamed or afraid to join a church you'd be suprised to find that many of the members have walked in your shoes.
Good Luck
Sherri