Jtimber

Hi. I'm writing this at the end of a 3 day bender of beer and cocaine.

The usual Sunday afternoon shaking, scared and regretting my behaviour. My wife is sitting next to me and she has no idea what I'm going through. No idea that I text other girls when I'm on it. That makes me feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I drink all day and night at weekends and find ways to lie so that I can carry on. I tell lies to everyone so that I can continue drinking and taking drugs. Then I crash and burn on Sunday and I can't handle what I've done so I open a can and try to escape my own thoughts and fears. I try to live in a world where nothing matters and I drink to try and get there.

I need to stop somehow, I don't want to lose my beautiful wife and I want to be a better man. Not sure where to start

HelenofTroy

Welcome Jtimber

You've already started by coming here. Stick around, read a bit. There's lots of support.

RainbowBird

Hi Jtimber, welcome! I'm on day 2 of not drinking after drinking heavily for 5 years. I seemed to manage to hide it from everyone but my husband.

I can't say it won't be difficult, but you can do it! Make sure you have good support. It would also probably help to contact a doctor to see if you need medical assistance to detox safely.

It is a good start to come here. Also begin to think of what other support resources you'll need. It could be helpful to have a resource to keep you accountable, but you have to take responsibility and want to do it.

It may also be good to contact your medical provider to see if medically assistance with detox would be best for you.

When I drink heavily, it negatively affects my relationship with my husband to where now I have to see if I can repair it my remaining sober.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Jtimber!!

Jtimber

Thanks people. I feel absolutely terrible, my hangovers seem to get worse and worse and filled with terrible dread and panic. This has to stop

SWTPEA61

J timber
Do you feel that you have reached your bottom. Have you had enough of the bull**** feeling sick feeling low feeling helpless? Ask yourself is this who I really am? Yeah its fun when your high when your drunk BUT its fleeting and you have to deal with the morning. That SUCKS not worth it.

Jtimber

I'm sure I haven't reached bottom yet. I still have things to lose and I really don't want to but I'm sure I will if this continues. I normally have 1 day a week when I don't have a hangover and it feels so good. I'm a self employed electrician and I get so much done on that day

HTown

I quit when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I do not beat myself up anymore. You can do this for yourself.

Jtimber

That's where I want to be. No more shame or lying. I feel like I'm getting to a point where I physically can't tell another lie and everyone is gonna find out what and who I am.

tomsteve

the bottom is determined by you- you can stop digging anytime.
there IS a solution.
what worked for me is AA.

Jtimber

I need to get sober. It's a terrifying thought, I've drunk most of my life from the age of around 13 (I'm 31 now). It got progressively worse from my early 20's and seemed to plateau around 28. Then over the last few years it's got out of control to a point where I'll drink usually about 7 -10 pints every evening during the week and probably 25 pints every Friday and every Saturday. I'll start in the pub every Friday after work and carry on indoors usually til about 3am. Then get to a pub Saturday 11.30am and stay til closing time 1am. Then carry on indoors til 3/4ish. Then I'll go through the horrors all day Sunday with 3 or 4 cans to try to ease the pain and I'll writhe in bed all night sweating and shaking and not get much sleep. After work Monday I'll have a few pints maybe 4 or 5 and have a relatively early night around 11ish. I'll wake up Tuesday pretty fresh and clear headed and start the procedure all over again after work, normally sitting up after my wife's gone to bed drinking and snorting coke and talking to whoever is up, usually women. And that part is something I'd never dream of doing whilst sober.

Sorry for the rant, it just all came out

Delilah1

Hi Jtimber,

Welocome to SR! Reading your first post sounds like things are not good this morning, this can be your bottom, you don't need to wait for anything else to happen. I spent several years trying to stop drinking for good. Last NYE I decided I was done. There was no big and tragic event, just had enough waking up every day and not functioning at 100%, not being fully present for my kids, husband, job... I woke up January 1st with a hangover, and a strong determination to never feel like that again.

The first few days were tough. I felt out of sorts, and had to plan out every minute of the time I would normally be drinking. I spent quite a bit of time reading and posting on here. I crafted a plan for myself, after hearing an imaginary voice of Dee in my head asking "What is your plan?" I journaled, hiked, did yoga, shuttled my kids back and forth to actitcities, read...

As time went by I started to focus more on recovery, and stopped the obsession I had with not being able to drink; which was around quite a bit the first few months. I started working on mindfulness, and making positive life changes in every aspect of my life.

I am getting close to 11 months sober, and life is much better. There are still days and situations that are stressful, but they are much easier to deal with clear headed.

Start today by getting rid of any alcohol you have around the house. Go to ER if you are having withdrawal symptoms, they can help you get started. Have an honest talk with your wife about your addiction, and
let her know you are stopping, and would like her support.

I know the feeling you have right now is a lousy one, remember that, and make it the last time you feel this way.

Looking forward ro seeing you on SR.

RainbowBird

For me, it has been very helpful in my recover to finally be honest that I was an alcoholic and accept I cannot have even one drink. For me, it feels "safe" in a way to start here at SR and then figure out what the rest of my plan is. Would I benefit from AA, outpatient therapy, something else?

Why do you think you drink and do coke? What do you think your challenges have been with getting and remaining sober?

I agree with TomSteve, there is a solution, even if it doesn't feel like it right now and you can do this. It will take work and commitment on your part. You are the only one that can keep you sober, but it does help immensely to have support.

tomsteve

that's pretty much how it was for me,too. 13 years old is when i remember my 1st drink. lots of excuses to drink until my mid 20's. that's when i crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, didn't need an excuse nor could i stop and stay stopped.
i had my last drink( to date) at 36, put in a lot of footwork lookin at causes and conditions of why i drank and changing me and my attitudes, and have a pretty good life today. when i say that i don't mean the material stuff; its whats inside me that counts today.
no more self hate, self loathing, regrets, fears of what i did yesterday,....all of that's gone.

Jtimber

Thanks for your advice I'm so glad I found this website. It's made the day slightly more bearable and comforting to know there's good people out there who seem willing to help. There's a very scary thought in there tho, when you said get rid of all the alcohol in the house. Now I think about it, I've never had an alcohol free house. Ever. It terrifies me thinking about throwing it out.

Dee74

Welcome jtimber

SR helped me turn my life around - I know the community help can help you do the same

We have a Class of November thread you might like to check out - it's for everyone quitting this month. All you have to do to join is post

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-9.html
D

Jim1958

Not sure if it will help, but I started to get better when I began to ask myself why was I drinking so much. That began the process of looking at my life, my past, and making a change. Can you discover why you are using beer and coke? I did it too, so I know where you are coming from.

teatreeoil007

We've all had to ask ourselves why we would want to drink and/or drug to such as extent as to inflict harm to ourselves and our loved ones.

I mean, c'mon, if we were happy and fulfilled, would we doing that to such an extent as give ourselves hangovers and jeopardize our marriage and family relationships and our living? Is it the "party thing" you're after? For some that's it. It's how they socialize. But, dude, you know yourself how it's cutting into the rest of your life and work.

Also, the texting of other women:why do you do that? There's got to be a reason. I think you need to explore that. You have a beautiful wife, true. But do you still feel inadequate? Is something missing in your marriage? Is it good/fulfilling? It sounds like you have a decent livelihood. But, is it fulfilling? Do you enjoy it? I mean, there are all sorts of reasons people overdo anything. I think that needs to be explored, I really do. She's gonna find out about it eventually. We can be crafty at keeping things in hiding for only so long.

If you want to kick this, you can. Maybe weigh the risks/benefits of partying up such a storm and where it will lead you if you continue. Got any kids?

August252015

Most likely, if they don't already know (amazing how we really weren't fooling many, after all) then yes, eventually they will find out. Your wife included.

Many of us kept on going because x or y hadn't happened....yet. And usually, it happened eventually if we didn't quit.

Now sounds like a great time to stop. Good luck.

D122y

Jt,

I routinely remind myself I am a drug addict.

I crave daily at certain times.

It helps me stay clean.

Question...I am curious much does costs to binge on cocaine for 3 days.

It has to be in the thousands...right?

Thanks.