HelenofTroy

Today is day 30 for me and I thought I would jot down a realization I've had. I have been a big wine drinker for many years, and drink wine both with meals and also to get drunk. When I had two brief relapses since quitting in September they both involved wine with a meal. There are certain meals that really seem to go well with wine - pasta, steaks, many things really.

As I've been coming up on my 30 day mark I've been doing a bit of soul searching. What started this thought process is that my mom was genuinely surprised when I told her I wasn't drinking at all, and she asked if I wouldn't even allow myself a glass of wine when out for dinner. I am finally admitting to myself that I have no interest in a single glass of wine with a meal. I want the whole bottle and then some. I had made the connection between the meal and the wine in order to give me a "legitimate" excuse to drink. I now accept that there is no way I would ever be satisfied with a single glass of wine. As much as I lie to myself that the flavour just "goes" with the meal, it is really about the buzz at the bottom of the glass. I only drink to get at least a little drunk. Even if I had a single glass of wine in a restaurant I would definitely follow that up with more at home. For some reason this realization/acceptance is quite freeing.

I could get all Freudian and think back to when I started drinking as a teen where the only reason to drink was to get drunk. Could be a little arrested development going on there. I have never hung around with social drinkers or abstainers, instead my whole life was always hanging with the "party" crowd, both socially and through work. I also had many more male friends and coworkers, and drinking with them helped me to be "one of the guys". That also meant trying to keep up with them round for round. We were the cool ones, and who wants to hang around with those boring losers who don't drink anyway? Now that I am retired I no longer spend much time with that crowd and it has allowed me to take a step back and see how abhorrent my behaviour and thought process really was.

This brings me to my second realization. That as much as I occasionally think that it would be enjoyable to give in and have a bottle of wine (what's the harm in having an occasional drunk?), in reality there would be no "occasionally" about it. I would very quickly, despite my best efforts, be back to being a daily drinker.

I am hoping that by putting this down here in black and white that I can come back to this post for a little truth telling or come-to-Jesus moment when AV starts whispering in my ear. I am also hoping to be able to add to this list when I hit my 60 day mark.

Have a good one everyone.

Plure

I'm right there with you...my mind says, "just one glass of wine and I'll be good." By the time I've finished, it's 2-3 glasses later. Then it becomes an every night thing which, over time, gets me into a bad place. My goal is to intercept that first drink...the one thing I haven't placed emphasis on. I go from being a teetotaller to saying one drink is fine (when I've been sober for a while). That second part has to be what stops.

Hang in there!

least

I was a wino too, but there was no "one glass". It was the whole bottle and more. It's easier for me to just not drink any at all.

Rea11y

Aw man. That's me. All the way.... just one glass what? Why bother? Half a bottle at least, surely...
And same with not hanging around abstainers.

Reading your post just sounded like I'd written it... I have no words of advice as you're well ahead of me in accomplishment but it helps me to recognise myself in your words and know that accomplishment is possible.

Thank you. X

D122y

Helen,

It is tough to quit w out some bottom that is awful and haunting.

Then we are blessed w this site to educate us and allow us to obsess over our addiction.

This site and my on going mental anguish...which has gotten better and better each clean moment...has got me to my 18 month sober point.

Now I am armed w knowledge and strength of conviction to never ever drink again.

Alcohol is a cooked up toxin that alters our minds forever. Drinking is a learned behavior. It can be unlearned.

Thanks.

August252015

That is some excellent sober thinking, right there!! You hit all the key points and sound like someone who makes notes (I do, literally!) of good things to "remember when" something strikes. When I am thoughtful and clear headed, it is so good to jot things down that I usually "come across again" when I really need some right sizing.

Keep going- you will keep improving your thought process and seeing results the longer you are sober. I know that at 9 mo, things such as the (supposed) reward of my drinking habits like wine with dinner (at first, before I got to all vodka, all the time) aren't anything I want to do anymore.

HTown

I hear you loud and clear. It is not just a single glass of wine or a single glass of beer for me either. It is the whole bottle or the whole 6 pack or nothing. Keep playing the tape through, see where it ends. Best of luck.

teaorcoffee

Had a "one glass" moment last night. Caught myself thinking it, and spent a little time going back and fore on the idea. The fact is I ain't a "one glass" type of girl so am better off being a no glass type of girl. I've also never really needed food for my wine in the past

Irnldy001

That is me. That lie kept me going for a long time. Wine is also my entry point. What happens after is anyone's guess. But I can also almost two years later still romantacize a single glass. I have some good tools now to mash it back to the dark regions where it come from.
Recognizing your thoughts and patterns is a great step!

entropy1964

Acceptance is a beautiful thing

SWTPEA61

I also am from the cool group of drinkers from the seventys. I was a binge weekend drinker which in the past 5 years has become a nightly ritual. The past 3 months I wad up to 2 1/2 bottles a night. The OMG moment came when I went to the salon to get my hair done and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. This haggard bloated person was in the mirror and I was horrified that night I stopped drinking and it's been 16 days.

thomas11

That brutal honesty with yourself will carry you a long ways in my opinion. Many of us conjured up very sophisticated excuses (which is what they really are) to justify drinking....and getting drunk. One doesn't necessarily need to hit rock bottom to realize that putting a cork in it is probably in our best interest. Welcome to SR.

Dee74

Thats a great post Helen - thank you - and congrats again on 30 days

D

5upersonic

Isn't it just? I spent years trying to cut down, then going sober for a few weeks, then trying to cut down again, and all the while I was drinking more and more.

If only I could be a normal drinker I thought, wouldn't that be great? Hmmm, it was only when I really thought about that, I mean really thought about it, that I realised it was the last thing I wanted. Put down my drink, just when the buzz was starting? No appeal in that whatsoever.

Continuing to drink the way I want to drink, simply isn't an option, because it brings so much pain. So I quit, and life is great.

Barbs

I too was part of the party crowd. I don't know what has happened to my fellow partiers, lost touch with them so long ago.

I do find myself struggling to smash the fantasy in my mind that I can enjoy just one drink. I know in reality that it will never be just one drink. And I remind myself that (in the end) it was not even enjoyable.

Congratulations on 30 days!

EndGameNYC

Great post. Great example of how to cut through the denial, the excuses, the faulty and often delusion thinking, the lying.

You bring up matter that I've been interested in for a long time...shortening the time between knowing when there is a problem, acknowledging the problem, and then doing something about it. Denial and self-deception, taking action vs making promises or resolutions, confusing activity with progress, or taking an angry moment of clarity born of suffering for some kind of commitment.

There's always been plenty of talk about forestalling sobriety in order to be "ready" for it. By definition and by history, there's no such thing as an alcoholic being "ready" to stop drinking. You either make a genuine effort to stop (or you just stop), or you continue drinking, often with relatively brief, intermittent periods of abstinence. All the talk in between those two extremes is wasted effort and meaningless chatter. I knew very early on that drinking was a problem for me, but chose to wait until things got "really bad" until I stopped. I don't believe that I'm alone in that.

“I just want to drink until I get through this trip, my best friend's wedding, my own wedding, getting used to the new job, losing my job, finding a job, my divorce, my marriage, my first DUI, my third DUI, someone's illness, someone's death, the results of my recent physical, preparing for my next physical, the after-work party, the opening of a new Target, the closing of Radios Shack, the full moon, the half-a-loaf, the election, the environment, the holidays, the days after and between the holidays, my anxiety, my panic attacks, my depression, my siblings, their siblings, their children's siblings...”

Knowing what I do about active alcoholics and our substantial defense against being scared into getting sober, I don’t consider this to be a scare-post. It’s more about alcohol awareness.

It's a truism that we generally don't pay much attention to the reality that "life is short" when we're young, but time doesn't move any faster or slower in any other part of the world, or at any particular age, or in any particular era, than it ever has. Just about everyone who was living before the year1900 is most likely dead. About a hundred billion people have lived before us, many of whom believed that there would always be time to set things right before they were gone, when such a consideration was even possible in terms of the evolution of thought. Thousands of years that have passed in the time it takes to blink.

Being mortal means at least two things: We squander our limited time on the planet, whiling away the hours, waiting for all the good stuff that we deserve to someday just happen. Or, mortality itself motivates us to make the best with what we have. I understand that there are a lot of things in-between but, and as I believe is true of many things in life, we still tend towards one extreme or the other.

I was lucky to get out in my twenties and then not pick up a drink for the next twenty five years. Not everyone is so fortunate. Giving a composite estimate from a number of studies, people who drink heavily have a life expectancy that is approximately ten to twelve years (or somewhere between about 15% and 20%) shorter than people who do not. And if you continue to drink, or wait too long to stop, those later years will likely include a great deal of physical and emotional suffering. Other factors that contribute to these data include drinking habits, years spent drinking, general health, history of smoking and using other addictive substances, height/weight ratio, absolute weight, BMI, loneliness, isolation, genetic predispositions, and diet and exercise.

I pulled these lists from a Web site though, by now, I know most of them as a result of repetition.

Short-Term Health Risks

Excessive alcohol use has immediate effects that increase the risk of many harmful health conditions. These are most often the result of binge drinking and include the following:

Injuries, such as motor vehicle crashes, falls, drownings, and burns.

Violence, including homicide, suicide, sexual assault, and intimate partner violence.

Alcohol poisoning, a medical emergency that results from high blood alcohol levels.

Risky sexual behaviors, including unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners. These behaviors can result in unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

Miscarriage and stillbirth or fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASDs) among pregnant women.

Long-Term Health Risks

Over time, excessive alcohol use can lead to the development of chronic diseases and other serious problems including:

High blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver disease, and digestive problems.

Cancer of the breast, mouth, throat, esophagus, liver, and colon.

Learning and memory problems, including dementia and poor school performance.

Mental health problems, including depression and anxiety.

Social problems, including lost productivity, family problems, and unemployment.

Alcohol dependence, or alcoholism.

The list is hardly comprehensive, leaving out the general degeneration of neurons or nerve/brain cells and neural transmission, and other bodily cells including those that comprise all internal organs. And I wouldn't take too much comfort in inferring that "Long-term" means the same thing as "develops slowly." Some of these conditions don't show themselves for a very long time, while others emerge very quickly.

My take is that the more we evolve, the more difficult it will be to practice denial, an act of bad faith that allows us to lie to ourselves and to other people for the purpose of continuing destructive behaviors. Or, we will further refine the art of denial so as to make lying an increasingly acceptable behavior, pointing to the survival value inherent in denying the truth. The current social and political “atmosphere” in the States clearly benefitting from the latter.

When I hear of people or read of people who waited until they destroyed almost everything valuable to them in their lives, often including their health and their sanity, finally act on their commitment to get sober, I usually ask quietly, and sometimes only rhetorically, and because I only know part of the answer, and whether I say it out loud or not, “What took you so long?”

EndGameNYC

Just saw this...

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Shellshocked444

I am probably just a couple of years younger than both of you (forever an 80s lover), but I cannot stand looking in the mirror at myself at my hairstylists with my bloated and horrible face staring back at me. I can absolutely relate and I absolutely need to change. Thank you for this.

entropy1964

No doubt alcoholism is devastating to our looks. I'm 51 so probably about your age. I look sooooo much better after quitting. Add in some exercise and healthy eating and I'm a far cry from the girl that entered treatment 94 days ago. If vanity is a motivator I'm fine with that

PhoenixJ

HOT- thankyou, powerful words, I will NOT drink to that.