FreedomCA

I can relate to your post that I also said and did offensive things when drinking. If I had been sober, I would have been able to cope with these triggers in a more diplomatic way, but all of that went out the window when drinking. Even if she does pull your strings, the judge won't care when you react and do something illegal. The choice you face to me is simple but only because I am sober and can clearly see the sober solution. But you are early in your recovery and facing a daunting illness that offers so many temporary attractions, which is making the choice difficult for you. You seem like the perfect fit for an AA meeting and working the 12 steps. I believe you need this type of immersion in sober experience to get over the hump you currently face. Good luck!

Madruski

Hi everyone. iam in need of some advice on further revalations to this, hope you can help.

We spoke very well and very productivly yesterday. I told her everything about my alcohol problem. But turns out she told her parents and friends everything, and I haven't even met her dad yet. We were meant to go to a big family gathering on DEC 1st.

Although we were both very wrong that night, its my drunk verbaly abusive actions that overshadowed everything she did. Obviously she told her parents, and now its me who is the complete *******, and she believes she is skweaky clean. I believe thats not fair.

Sure its easy to say "move on, end this relationship" but the problem is that we have tickets and visas booked for a monthly holiday in Australia.

So we both have an investment in this relationship.

Personally, I don't even want to meet her family anymore, the damage is done there. Too get out of it will be very difficult. But I will have to to show iam not a coward.

So your advice , please. How to deal with her family now.

On a positive note , I haven't been drinking since that night.

FreedomCA

If you do have any investment in this relationship, you will most likely have to become involved with her family. From my understanding, if you have made your amends to your girlfriend for your part, then you have cleaned your side of the street and owe her family nothing. Go and meet her family, stay sober and be yourself. You made a mistake like every other fallible human being. My only concern is that the trip to Australia may be a huge trigger to drink for you. But that is your choice. If you think you can do it sober, then go and have fun. If not, you are likely to continue to say and do destructive things. Good luck!

Dee74

Y'know sometimes I can't dress it up...

There are a million red flags here man. This relationship is dysfunctional to the point of getting violent.

You, alcohol, and this girl are a toxic mess.

Get out, and get out now - for your sake and hers..

Take sometime out to work solely on yourself and your recovery.

D

Madruski

Dee, I sense your frustration.

And you know, name one perfect relationship without red flags?

We're all human at the end of the day. This "next" attitude that we all have in our time is the reason for the crumbling attitude we have towards family and marriage.

Iam from an Eastern European background and the tradition is to not give up even If you see a "red flag" it's against our family values. A Relationship, even if not marriege is a serious and respect has to be shown to each sides of family.

Besides, the ball is in her court considering
My red flags far outweigh hers.

Dee74

I spent a lot of time with myself after I got sober.

I needed to do that because 30 years of addiction left me a deeply flawed and messed up human being, with some really weird ideas on male/female relationships, and a string of really dysfunctional messed up and crazy partnerships in my wake.

I had to rebuild and repair a lot before I offered myself to anyone else because I really would have been inflicting myself on any potential partner.

so...I waited...and when I felt ready, and felt I'd matured enough, I started having real, meaningful, and healthy relationships with women.

No red flags to be seen. That, to me is, the sign of a healthy relationship.

I really don't think this is about cultures at all - this is all about alcoholism, bad behaviour and some really bad choices.

Whats worse is it looks to me like you're using your culture now to prop up your bad choices in what is a really quite damaged and possibly quite dangerous relationship?

how did you get out of the other relationships?
D

advbike

What Dee said is so true. Ignore the red flags at your own peril. I am now two and a half years into a relationship (living together) that is going nowhere and can't get out of it without trauma to all, including her son who's a great kid.. all because when newly sober (6 months) I chose to ignore a boatload of red flags and jump into it, instead of working on myself.

fini

Madruski,
yes, a lot of people get seriously hurt or killed because someone else didn't "give up", and "family values" can be a cover for abusive relationships in more ways than one.
it is sick.

when you find yourself focusing on whose court the ball is in, as if this were a fighting match, a competition, and focusing on a future trip instead of addressing the drinking and accompanying violence and all-round dysfunctions here, it speaks not to care and concern but to a mess of keeping score and controlling.

congratulations on being sober three days...keep going. it's the only direction that has a chance of a genuine improvement.

PennyLane76

She is a 20 year old girl? Let her go man. Sorry so be blunt, but sounds like she needs to mature and you need to get sober before embarking on a real relationship.

HTown

Alcohol destroys relationships. It destroys marriages. Once a woman or man loses respect for you, you are toast. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

You cannot hope to build a marriage with anyone while drinking the way you describe.

Madruski

^^^ Bingo, bingo and bingo. I've thought about this many times myself.

Some fair points here guys .

How i got out? I ended them because they were with drinkers and i was spiraling becausee were drinking every night. Now I don't date drinkers, and she is not a drinker. Just young.

Dee, the thing is i haven't got 30 years of personal destruction behind me, I only have 5, I have issues, yes. but iam still functioning. If I isolate myself, then that will be even worse as I've already tried that and it ends in a isolated binge.

Anyway SR friends, iam not looking for immediate answers to my problems. Just some advice on the family thing. Thanks for replying everyone. Iam still sober.

Personally , I don't think any relationship is perfect. There is always something dysfunctional in a relationship.

nomis

Oh man, I hate to pile on, but sometimes you see posts where you can't help but comment.

So before I do, let me say, I think one of the reasons for all the responses is that many of us can empathize with your position. We've all behaved poorly, often with catastrophic results to our personal lives. Then justified it, to some extent, by saying we're only partially to blame.

Mate, I know you're going to reply, that you're not justifying your behaviour, but you are when you mention her actions in the next breath.

One of the foundations of my sobriety is my belief that I'm responsible for myself, no one else. I tried for years and years and years to lay my drinking at the feet of others. There was always a reason for it, so and so had been unfair, my girl wasn't living up to my expectations, my boss sucked, government didn't help me with medical insurance, society wasn't fair, etc....

All I got from that was deeper down the bottle. People who were unfortunate enough to get close to me either walked away with resentment, or even worse, became sick themselves.

Once I accepted that I'm responsible for myself, and my health, and that nobody else will ever be able to do that, then I could start to effectively accept the consequences of my actions. It's a very difficult thing to do at first, but trust me, it gets a whole lot easier as time goes by.

Madruski

Why do I get the feeling like iam digging another hole for myself here on SR with my points of view? Ok . Regardless of the details, the main advice I have finally took on board is that.

"stop drinking first, and see how your life begins to turn around, you will notice that alot of your issues are due to alcohol"

This abusive episode has actually opened my eyes.

So that's my "plan"

Perhaps not perfect, buy its what I have.

SWTPEA61

MDL51
I agree the alcoholic friends enjoy your company only when you are drinking. They are complete A******s when they are drunk and you are not. NO FUN

Dee74

I do realise you're in your twenties - the best outcome tho is for you to sort this out now while you're still in your 20s, and not wait til you're 40 like I was.

Sorry if you feel I've been harsh. I really was trying to help - I made a few disastrous lifestyle choices. I'd like to help others avoid those...but in this case maybe my tone was ill-advised and, if so, I apologise.

I do agree that stopping drinking needs to be step one tho. Get a dependable reading of your situation with a clear head.

D

DontRemember

My exgf was/is an angry drunk when in blackout mode..Some of the things she's said to me while in that state..WOW! Toss my drunk a$$ into that and it's the "perfect storm"!
I used to have jealousy issues when I was around your age and dated some chicks that would do anything to see it..It's a sh*t test. I stopped dating those types around 28. After knowing the flag/signs/whatever... If I get "tested" once, I'm out and go "ghost" on them. Even sober I would not handle my "gf" throwing herself at other guys.. I'd leave her at the bar/club and never speak to her again.

Dee74

Dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

Like I said, I took time out, worked on myself, grew a little - and my relationships came to reflect that growth.

D

Mountainmanbob

Although I have had some ups and downs in sobriety as a whole most all of my relationships today run pretty smooth. But, I know this would not be true if I was drinking. When drinking it seemed that I was always in collision with someone or something.

M-Bob

Madruski

All good Dee, no offence was taken, sometimes bluntness is needed, I too am very blunt sometimes.


Today is gym day, despite past drinking it has kept me sane, ironically I only drank/binged after gym because I knew tomorrow was rest day.

In regards to the relationship, well. It's tricky . But so far no one has left anyone.

But I was surprised how maturely she deciphered things, which is a good sign.

The future will tell the rest. Iam nearly 26 so iam ready to start slowly transitioning into a more serious side of my life. And this person i showed her whilst blind drunk really has opened my eyes to how low I've gotten. I am older, and I put her life in danger, she is 20 and has never seen something like that before; a grown man drunk ragging at her, for her childish acts.

I ask myself: what if, when I have kids!!?

It's early, but already seeing some smoke clear in my head.

Anyway guys, thanks for reading my book.

EndGameNYC

If I ddn't know any better, I'd say you can't be serious.

Playing the geography card only keeps you entrenched in a decision you've already made, one that moves you to dismiss without thought any and all alternate perspectives. Seems you came here for validation rather than help.

Healthy relationships tend to make us and our lives better, while unhealthy relationships make life much more complicated and are emotionally depleting, with no regard for culture or location. Being dead-set on learning this the hard way allows no room for good counsel. Justifying an unwise decision that's loaded with potentially disastrous consequences, one that's also based on the fact that nobody's perfect, doesn't even pass the smell test. Despite people's best intentions and best efforts to guide you through this, you've chosen to make your own bed.

You might give some thought to the title you chose for your thread.