Husband doesn't believe I can do this

Old 11-15-2016, 11:45 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
islandlife's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Beautiful Pacific Northwest
Posts: 10
Angry Husband doesn't believe I can do this

I posted earlier today that I'm on Day 5 and feeling great. I made the conscious decision 5 days ago to get sober, but NOT tell my husband because I knew he wouldn't believe I could do it.

Well, he just got done telling me he doesn't believe I can, if history is any indicator. I suppose his reaction tells you what kind of marriage we have.

I'm determined to do this for ME, but how do I get around his negativity??? (Not only today, but every day going forward.)
islandlife is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 11:47 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Anna's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,689
My family had lost faith in me too, and I couldn't blame them. My advice is to pay no attention to what he says about your recovery. Use all your energy to focus on you and staying sober and making a better life for yourself. Your husband will see the positive changes in you.
Anna is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 11:53 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 107
Congratulations on day 5! That is a great achievement

I can assure you won't be anywhere near the only person on here who's nearest and dearest don't quite believe they can do it. It's a shame a person so close you can't be more supportive but ultimately you are doing this for YOU. It's difficult but also possible to turn that negativity into a boost of motivation for yourself
Emzeh is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 11:54 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It's common for family and friends to have little faith often times because they just don't understand addiction, or they've heard it many times before that you're going to sober up, just to go right back.
Though don't get too worked up about it, as there is support everywhere such as this site, AA, addiction counselors, SMART etc,..
Forward12 is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 11:57 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
doggonecarl's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by islandlife View Post
I'm determined to do this for ME, but how do I get around his negativity???
Only your actions (getting sober and remaining sober) will change his negative attitude. If you made promises before to quit, and resumed drinking, it's only normal for him to be skeptical.

However if you stay sober, I'm sure the negativity will turn to support.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 12:02 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Hears The Voice
Nonsensical's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Personally, I loved it when people told me I couldn't do it. It probably guaranteed another three weeks of sobriety every time it happened.

My stubborn streak wasn't my friend when I was determined to drink, but once I was determined to be sober that stubbornness became a good ally.
Nonsensical is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 12:02 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
sober style
SnazzyDresser's Avatar
Join Date: May 2016
Location: the Ozarks
Posts: 2,392
Prove him wrong. Stay sober and show him, and you, what you're made of.
SnazzyDresser is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 12:04 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
It only tells us what your marriage has been, not what it might be. Relationships change as the people in them change. If you get and stay sober, will you become a better person? Let's assume your relationship isn't great, but it isn't exactly going anywhere. Fix what you can, which is you, and then see what happens to your relationship. His feelings are valid, but they are just his feelings, not facts, don't give them so much power.
BrendaChenowyth is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 02:06 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
SoberDave999's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Dayton, Oh
Posts: 124
I've been off this site and the wagon for like 9 months. Today also marks 5 full days of sobriety for me. Congrats! I've been reluctant to post on here because I can't believe I drank every day for 9 months straight. Again. Let's make it 6 days!
SoberDave999 is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 02:12 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 107
Congrats on day 5 SoberDave! Never be reluctant to post! If you haven't both already done so, I would recommend joining the Class of November thread in this forum. We are all starting from this month and it's a great support network
Emzeh is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 02:52 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
islandlife - actions speak louder than words. If you keep staying sober the situation will eventually work itself out. Hopefully he will become supportive at some point, but that isn't a given. His opinion on the matter has only as much power as you allow it to.
OpioPhobe is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 03:22 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 29
My boyfriend also does not think I can stop drinking. I am on day four and my history has not been great. I try to understand where he is coming from and what he is feeling. However, it was still hard to hear from him that he no longer has any faith in me and I just cry wolf when I say I am going to get help. I just keep trying and I still have a little faith in myself. This site is new to me but I really find the support to be a beautiful thing. Keep up the good work!
Maggie0119 is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 03:26 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869

Great advice above!!!

I could have written your post almost 3 yrs ago.

Don't say. Just do and show. Time will show him. My husband believes me now but he still is not supportive in other ways (getting better, it's been a journey) but it does not matter, this is up to me and for me. I have posted about it and I am now starting to be more at peace because I am understanding that it's not about anybody else but me and that other people sometimes don't get it and they will never understand. I get my support from places like SR and from people who share my experiences. There is always somebody here to support you so don't hesitate to rely on us .

You can go back and read some of my early post. A lot of them where about lack of support from those around me... I got amazing feedback.

You are not alone and we will always support you.
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 11-15-2016, 04:39 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
least's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,885
Don't pay attention to what he says or does. You're doing this for yourself, not him.
least is online now  
Old 11-15-2016, 07:08 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Delilah1's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,072

First, congratulations on five days, that is fantastic.

I was reluctant to tell my husband I wasn't drinking anymore because I had said it before and gone back to drinking after a few weeks/months.

I have ten and a half months sober today, and my husband has been supportive. It took a while before he believed I was actually going to stop drinking for good. He still drinks every night, and at first I think he missed his drinking partner. However, not drinking has improved my physical and mental health. I have lost 43 pounds, and I am able to look at life with much more clarity than before.

Do this for you, his support will follow. Even if it doesn't, still do this for you!

❤️ Delilah
Delilah1 is online now  
Old 11-16-2016, 03:57 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Mini Novel Post Writer
LadyBlue0527's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I understand where you're coming from. I came home after receiving my 30 day chip. I expected to show it to my husband and for him to be all happy and excited. I got about the same reaction you did. He said "Come back to me when you have far more time and I might get excited about it".

At first I was angry and upset. Then, I realistically thought through all the things I had said and done and realized he had a right to feel the way he did. I let it go. I didn't hold any expectations from that point forward.

I also realized that my sobriety is for me and owned by me and no one else. They just get to enjoy the perks of it.

The most freeing experience is letting go of what others think and just continue to fight the good fight and do the work for you. All the rest will eventually fall into place.
LadyBlue0527 is offline  
Old 11-16-2016, 05:23 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Ultramarathoner's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,177
I believe you can.

And, there are a bunch of people on this board who have been where you are and successfully made the choice to live alcohol-free. They believe you can as well.

My thoughts? Live in the present and positive. Feed your subconscious with positive affirmations or books. Choose to believe those that believe in you.
Ultramarathoner is offline  
Old 11-16-2016, 05:39 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Does he drink? If he doesn't, his comments might mean one thing. If he does, it could mean something entirely different. Either way, I agree with those above who say ignore it. Congrats!
zerothehero is offline  
Old 11-16-2016, 07:17 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
SoberDave999's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Dayton, Oh
Posts: 124
It sounds almost like he wants you to fail. Maybe he is threatened by the fact that you are trying to better yourself? A good partner should support their spouse in their journey towards success. I hate to say it, but maybe some couples counseling would benefit you both. Stay sober for you!
SoberDave999 is offline  
Old 11-16-2016, 02:31 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Dee74's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,745
Hi islandlife
I'm sorry your husband is not supportive...but thats why place like SR exist - you'll always find support here.

It may be your husband is a little fearful at this change in you...maybe in time he'll get used to it?

Dee74 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:14 PM.