lovespell

In light of my recent "episode" I have done a ton of reflection. I have teken a lot of baths because I don't know what else to do to soothe me. I guess what I am thinking of mostly, is I can can go days - weeks-months without drinking and never think of it. I can go through holidays without a drop and never bothered me. So how did I allow myself to get to the point where alcohol has destroyed my life? I suppose I am then a true alcoholic if say...I only drank twice this year and both times ended in horrific consequenses. That every time I drink I can't drink just one or two. That I rationalize I am no different than other social drinkers, which I don't sometimes feel I am. I have been to many happy hours with co workers and observed. I never felt any different than them - but I was. They left and I never did. I would continue until I could not handle one more sip, and even then I would want more. It's a shame that I had to get into deep legal trouble and could have actually been injured or killed many times before now I finally had the lightbulb go on. I am not like them. I can never have another social drink. I know I can't and you know what, I am OK with that. I won't miss anything but the distraction of the socializing...which I will have to find at AA or recovery if I must. I have been alone and staying home for the first time - I can't do for my kids, I can't drive and although I feel like a loser mother, I feel not having access to a vehicle is a blessing. I am ready to dig in and move on with my life-however it may end up. I finally learned the lesson that has been presented to me over and over again in different forms.

MidnightRider

Great post Lovespell...

Not taking That first sip is the only way to go.

Hope you have a Great day.

PhoenixJ

LS- drinking causes bad stuff to happen. You had your eyes opened the hard way (Is there ever an easy one? For me-NOPE!). It is excellent you identify with being an alcoholic. Many fight that- viewing the homeless with a brown paper bag- cannot be like them. Problem is though alcohol is an equal opportunity addict employer. Keep sharing and use SR for extra support. PJ

Nowsthetime

Hello:

Now that you understand and see this things will become a bit easier.

How's your plan looking?

FreedomCA

I would agree with you that even though you may only drink 2x a year but that you cannot stop drinking during those two times, then that is a problem. It just takes one episode of drinking to lose one's life or take another. The best solution is full abstinence.

thomas11

Hi lovespell, I just read your last entry (3rd dui?). I am sorry it took something like that to happen to bring you to the realization that alcohol is not your friend. But, there is an upside, and that is you lived to tell the tale. You sound very committed and that is a great start. After awhile, you won't miss drinking, in my opinion. Wish you the best.