noneever

I've made more Big Plans than I can count. More day ones than I care to admit. It just has not sunk in to my thick skull. I keep thinking I can control it, can moderate. I can't.
Why do some people vow to never drink again and they don't and others take dozens of attempts?
What am I not realising or doing? Why do I tell myself that it'll be different this time before I drink? When is this going to sink in?

least

It will sink in when you really and truly want to be sober more than you want to drink.

biminiblue

Sadly, for many, they run out of chances.

I wish there was some way to let you see how much better life is on the sober side. You would jump ship so fast.

I pray you figure it out in time.

Anna

Try to dig deep and find the motivation to stop. Things will likely get worse unless you stop now. The level of denial in alcoholism is astounding. I can't believe the way my mind worked in my drinking days. Do whatever you can do to stop drinking and change your life.

Algorithm

You are trying to convince yourself not to drink based on a likely outcome -- that drinking will cause more problems. The problem is that this is only a statistical probability, and not provable beyond all doubt.

This leaves the door wide open, because the Beast is not deterred by statistics. Your Addictive Voice (AV) needs only to argue that since there is no proof that more problems will definitely arise, that they may not arise.

This is similar to stopping because "it doesn't feel good" anymore. The Beast is not deterred by such a weak argument. All the AV has to do is to argue that it might feel good, especially after some time has gone by.

These are both variations of the "I can't drink" line of thinking, which should be immediately suspect. It actually means "if I could drink and get away with it, I would drink," and leaves the door wide open. The AV need only argue that you might just possibly get away with it.

The solution is to decide that even if nothing bad would happen, and even if it would feel absolutely wonderful to drink, and that drinking would rocket you immediately to cloud nine, that you would still not drink.

Think it over, and close those loopholes.

MIRecovery

I have stopped drinking many many times but until I believed the following words I was condemned to drink again

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

uncorked

I don't know. I've wondered that myself. I think for most people it takes more than one or two tries. Or maybe it's not until they realize and ACCEPT that they can no longer drink that they're successful in stopping. Some people abuse alcohol for one reason or another, become sober for a year or two, and are then able to moderate. Others have to stop for good. Sounds like you have tried the moderation route to no avail. What do you think you'd be missing out on if you stopped drinking? And how would your life improve ? Honestly, I could intellectualize the hell out of this when I was drinking, but it took inpatient rehab -- almost 7 weeks of it -- to get free of alcohol's grasp and figure out how to cope without it. (Answer: lots of ice cream.)

SnazzyDresser

People are just different, have different aptitudes, abilities, experiences. Different brains, different genes, etc. Also alcohol seems to be able to get its hooks deeper into some people, I think.

Bottom line, I don't know either.

MidnightRider

Snazzy Dresser .. That's what I was thinking too.

But would add.. .. We all have different levels of Motivation and perseverance ..

Notimetoloose

I am in your camp...daily commitments to getting and staying sober only to have some woman get in her car and drive to the bottle shop yet again.
I don't know how many 3 days, 2, 3, 5, 6, weeks, 3, 5 months I had.
I could fluctuate between total denial to a hyper reality regarding the impact of my drinking.
I am grateful I never gave up , it makes it all the more rewarding.
I too marvelled at those that give up with that first decision and find them fascinating, I have seen it with long time smokers as well...they make a decision to quit smoking and never light up another one!

Acheleus

I think taking on too much in early recovery can lead to relapse. What happened to me is I saw someone descend into alcoholism while I was sober. The horrible reality increased my vigilance. Recovery also requires us to be honest with ourselves.

It took some terrifying experiences to get me to put my recovery first. When I began loving myself things improved.

MrPL

noneever - this is different for everyone, I lost count of how many times I tried, I may well have to try again in the future if I don't watch out. But I know I am having a real shot now because as "least" said in his comment I realised I want to be sober more than I want to drink. Overthinking complicated it for me, the argument for not drinking is simply "No". If I try and convince myself any other way AV wins.

You can do this.

P

MelindaFlowers

It took me many times because every time except the last time I kept the sliver of a chance in the very, very back of my mind that someday, somehow, I'd drink again.

I stopped when I accepted, fully that I would never drink alcohol again.

I stopped when I accepted, fully that I'd never be a moderate drinker.

I only quit drinking once.

I also stopped only when the terror and pain of alcoholism became scarier than the idea of never drinking again.

Quitting became the easier, softer way.

MelindaFlowers

Wow. One of the most profound things I've ever read on here.

I was completely aware of the damage yet in complete denial.

Yes.

Outonthetiles

I'm one of the lucky ones. I quit on Feb. 3 and never looked back. I think for me I've been incredibly determined and I've taken this very seriously. I post here almost every day. I text with several people every day, and make sure no one has any alcohol in the house.

MissPerfumado

For me, the key is total and unrelenting acceptance that there is too much to lose from ever having a drink again.

This basic idea is expressed in lots of different ways. The expression that you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink is just one variation.

To reiterate, for me, the 4 fundamental ingredients are: (1) accepting that drinking will inexorably lead to terrible damage, (2) accepting that all it will take is just one drink, (3) ensuring that the acceptance of those 2 things is complete, and (4) not allowing that complete acceptance to be eroded over time.

I first came onto SR in Nov 2014 and tried to stop and didn't last long. I came back about a year later and have not had a drink since. I could claim I was "successful" on my second try but behind that is years and years of mind-boggling denial of my problem, denial so deep and dense that I didn't even contemplate trying to get sober in all those years. So, I have nothing at all to be proud of there. But the acceptance I described has made it possible for me to stay stopped for the last few months.

theVman31

Hello. I dont think too many real bad alcoholics got sober on their first try... thats just my opinion. For those who did : Bravo !

For me it came to a point when i knew it was getting closer and closer... Weird. Is it the body telling me i cant do this no more... Was just the penny dropping and seeing there was no point in flogging a dead horse.

Meraviglioso

I have no idea. No words of wisdom to offer. I am in your camp too. I do know I celebrate the success of others though and am so happy that they find the way out on the first go. The fact that you have not given up speaks volumes of you though. We will find our way out of this once and for all. Keep going.

Nonsensical

I don't know.
I also don't know why some people never give it up and go to an early grave.

Knowing would be very interesting, but not knowing isn't preventing me from having a happy sober life. I had to learn other things for that to happen.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

August252015

Lots of good comments here. A perfect illustration of why AA says that there are as many different kinds of alcoholism as there are alcoholics. Think about that one for a second.

No one has the answer you ask except to say that it's because....you're an alcoholic. The whys and wherefores are just minor details, and symptoms, and adj and adv for your particular kind of alcoholism. The bottom line is that none of us can drink like normal people, period, full stop, no matter what.

I'm like OT - I quit once. Feb 22 was the first day of the rest of my life. For me, I did it by starting an incredibly devoted AA program. Step 1 was a formality in the sense that I already knew it to be true, and 2 and 3 quickly followed. My problem, for whatever reason, has been removed; I work daily at the maintenance of my spiritual condition to make it "stay that way." My life is a bajillion times different now that I am sober and I wouldn't trade my worst minute now for my best one then.

IMO and IME, you have to just decide. That no matter what, to any lengths and at any costs, you want to be sober. No friend, no special event, no great or terrible day, no bad news, no wedding, no....anything....can change that. And you work a plan to give you the tools to make that your reality.

I believe the BB when it says that "no matter how far down the scale you've gone..." you can get sober and your experience can benefit others. I also believe that in a "secular" way, every person that needs to stop drinking who does is a gift to everyone else they encounter. Nothing bad happens when an alcoholic stops drinking. Nothing.

I was in a meeting yesterday where the topic was why some people get it and some don't. There isn't one answer, but we all agreed that what AA had taught us was one way that works to get a better life. Our past efforts sure hadn't, and maybe another program would as well, but the one we'd found was keeping us sober and moving in the right direction.

I can tell you that at just about 9 mo here, I don't think about "drinking" at all. It's not about alcohol; my life is about emotional sobriety and my recovery is like a best friend. It is my constant companion, and I protect and nurture it just like I do any important relationship- more so, truthfully, as my sobriety is the basis for every other relationship in my life. It's that important to me, and comes first.

Good luck.