My husband left 4 days ago without saying a word and I just found out I'm pregnant...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: San Antonio, tx
Posts: 5
My husband left 4 days ago without saying a word and I just found out I'm pregnant...
My husband and I dated from 1997 to 1999 but then I had to join the army to take care of my two children that I had from a previous abusive marriage. I knew at this point that he smoked marijuana pretty regularly but I didn't have a problem with that. He was absolutely wonderful, very attentive, very loving, and I thought of him deeply of the next 15 years while we were separated ( he and his family told me that he never dated during those 15 years because he couldn't see himself with anyone else other than me ). We reconnected earlier this year and we fell head over heels in love with each other just like it was before and got married in April of this year.
Because he lived in a different state when we reconnected, he moved to my state right before we got married. He didn't have a job when he moved here so I paid his car payment, his insurance, his food, his clothing, shelter, everything. I figured that's what you do for your spouse because he was supposedly trying to find a job. Then I noticed that money was coming up missing. I found out he was using. Supposedly during those 15 years he had oral surgery and was put on pain meds that he ended up addicted to and then started using something called Kratom to break that addiction but ended up addicted to it instead. He was convinced that because it's all natural it was OK but now I can see how it's just completely destroyed his life and changed who he is. We set it up so he could join a year long rehab program that he was supposed to go to at the end of this week. Last week I started to notice that he was very standoffish when he's usually very affectionate, he was getting irritable and I figured something was up. I ask him if he was using again and he said no he was just upset and kind of nervous about going to this year long rehab program.
Friday of this past week, we were supposed to take his vehicle to a family member back in his home state who agreed to keep it while he was gone at rehab. Thursday he said he wasn't feeling well ( Looking back, I believe he was using again and his "not feeling well" was actually withdrawals). He told me to go ahead and run the errands that I needed to run and gave me a kiss and told me he'd see me when I get back. I came home within 45 minutes and he and his car were both gone. No note, no phone call, nothing… Just gone. Then I looked and found the $600 that I thought I had hidden was obviously not hidden very well because he took it with him. That was nearly 4 days ago and I haven't heard from him since. His phone doesn't have service ( he never really cared to have a phone anyways and when he only got on social media once we reconnected so we could talk ) so we usually message through Facebook as long as he is someplace with Wi-Fi. But since he's been gone he's not checked his Facebook messages. I think he knows that it's going be filled with messages from people wondering where he is and of course messages from me and I don't think he wants to see them.
We had been trying to conceive because he said he truly wanted to have a child with me. Just a few hours after he left I found out that I'm pregnant. I messaged him about it hoping that he would see it and come back because he had told me the whole time that he really wanted us to have a child and now here I am pregnant and he's gone.
Now all of a sudden everybody has these stories about how he lived with them and he stole from them, took medication, pawned jewelry, everything. I was told a little bit of him stealing in the past but it was played down very well to not look as bad as it really was. I can't believe no one wanted to tell me this, these people were at my wedding! They said that they just figured that because he started using out of missing me they figured that with me back in his life it would fix everything and they didn't want to mess that up by telling me.
The addicts mind is completely foreign to me. I've never had to deal with anything like this before and I'm at a total loss. I'm absolutely devastated and alone and the not knowing is what kills me more than anything. If he would've left a note or something I think it would be easier. But how do you just walk away like that???
I don't know if he is still in the state or another state or even in another country. I know the last time that he used he was looking up how to go to Mexico. I don't know if he's gonna be gone for a few days, few weeks, a few months, or forever. I'm just coming here to see if anyone has ever dealt with in issue like this or if anyone has had someone here has disappeared for good as that's my greatest fear. Any help with this is greatly appreciated. I have no nearby family and I don't socialize much so I don't really have friends close by, so I'm dealing with this completely alone other than speaking with some friends and family over social media.
** The other thing is my husband is not very typical. He would be just fine living in the woods and would honestly prefer it that way. The trunk of his car is full of survival gear and the only personal items he took with him was a blanket, a few pairs of shorts, a few shirts, his iPod, his phone, and 10 days worth of blood pressure medication. It was obviously a mad dash and not very well thought out, but he's gone nonetheless and I am beside myself with grief.
Because he lived in a different state when we reconnected, he moved to my state right before we got married. He didn't have a job when he moved here so I paid his car payment, his insurance, his food, his clothing, shelter, everything. I figured that's what you do for your spouse because he was supposedly trying to find a job. Then I noticed that money was coming up missing. I found out he was using. Supposedly during those 15 years he had oral surgery and was put on pain meds that he ended up addicted to and then started using something called Kratom to break that addiction but ended up addicted to it instead. He was convinced that because it's all natural it was OK but now I can see how it's just completely destroyed his life and changed who he is. We set it up so he could join a year long rehab program that he was supposed to go to at the end of this week. Last week I started to notice that he was very standoffish when he's usually very affectionate, he was getting irritable and I figured something was up. I ask him if he was using again and he said no he was just upset and kind of nervous about going to this year long rehab program.
Friday of this past week, we were supposed to take his vehicle to a family member back in his home state who agreed to keep it while he was gone at rehab. Thursday he said he wasn't feeling well ( Looking back, I believe he was using again and his "not feeling well" was actually withdrawals). He told me to go ahead and run the errands that I needed to run and gave me a kiss and told me he'd see me when I get back. I came home within 45 minutes and he and his car were both gone. No note, no phone call, nothing… Just gone. Then I looked and found the $600 that I thought I had hidden was obviously not hidden very well because he took it with him. That was nearly 4 days ago and I haven't heard from him since. His phone doesn't have service ( he never really cared to have a phone anyways and when he only got on social media once we reconnected so we could talk ) so we usually message through Facebook as long as he is someplace with Wi-Fi. But since he's been gone he's not checked his Facebook messages. I think he knows that it's going be filled with messages from people wondering where he is and of course messages from me and I don't think he wants to see them.
We had been trying to conceive because he said he truly wanted to have a child with me. Just a few hours after he left I found out that I'm pregnant. I messaged him about it hoping that he would see it and come back because he had told me the whole time that he really wanted us to have a child and now here I am pregnant and he's gone.
Now all of a sudden everybody has these stories about how he lived with them and he stole from them, took medication, pawned jewelry, everything. I was told a little bit of him stealing in the past but it was played down very well to not look as bad as it really was. I can't believe no one wanted to tell me this, these people were at my wedding! They said that they just figured that because he started using out of missing me they figured that with me back in his life it would fix everything and they didn't want to mess that up by telling me.
The addicts mind is completely foreign to me. I've never had to deal with anything like this before and I'm at a total loss. I'm absolutely devastated and alone and the not knowing is what kills me more than anything. If he would've left a note or something I think it would be easier. But how do you just walk away like that???
I don't know if he is still in the state or another state or even in another country. I know the last time that he used he was looking up how to go to Mexico. I don't know if he's gonna be gone for a few days, few weeks, a few months, or forever. I'm just coming here to see if anyone has ever dealt with in issue like this or if anyone has had someone here has disappeared for good as that's my greatest fear. Any help with this is greatly appreciated. I have no nearby family and I don't socialize much so I don't really have friends close by, so I'm dealing with this completely alone other than speaking with some friends and family over social media.
** The other thing is my husband is not very typical. He would be just fine living in the woods and would honestly prefer it that way. The trunk of his car is full of survival gear and the only personal items he took with him was a blanket, a few pairs of shorts, a few shirts, his iPod, his phone, and 10 days worth of blood pressure medication. It was obviously a mad dash and not very well thought out, but he's gone nonetheless and I am beside myself with grief.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear of your troubles Peaceful and welcome to SR. There are lots of folks here who have had issues of all kinds with their family/friends who are addicts. We even have a separate forum here for friends and family of addicts if you'd be interested.
It sounds to me though that while your husband may be atypical in some ways, he's a textbook addict in his behavior - lying/taking advantage of others is very common. Your best move at this point is going to be seeking help for yourself, you really can't control his actions or thoughts. It's hard to understand to be certain, but you need to take care of yourself and your unborn child first and foremost.
It sounds to me though that while your husband may be atypical in some ways, he's a textbook addict in his behavior - lying/taking advantage of others is very common. Your best move at this point is going to be seeking help for yourself, you really can't control his actions or thoughts. It's hard to understand to be certain, but you need to take care of yourself and your unborn child first and foremost.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, how terribly hard...I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It sounds like he was looking for things outside himself that would somehow give him the magic ability to get clean...first you, then a baby...I so hope that you wanted a baby for your own reasons as well, because addiction and good parenting are mutually exclusive.
In a way, this may be best. If you read some of the many stories here you will see how loving an addict is a slow-moving path to insanity more times than not. There is a point in addiction when there's nothing left but the need...no conscience, no empathy, no decency...and it's a rare person who makes it back from that point. Maybe a miracle will happen, but it's probably best to focus on the little miracle growing inside you and making that baby's life wonderful as a single parent.
I hope you'll stick around. There are so many who understand what you're going through.
Sending you a huge hug.
P.S. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say, would have made any difference.
It sounds like he was looking for things outside himself that would somehow give him the magic ability to get clean...first you, then a baby...I so hope that you wanted a baby for your own reasons as well, because addiction and good parenting are mutually exclusive.
In a way, this may be best. If you read some of the many stories here you will see how loving an addict is a slow-moving path to insanity more times than not. There is a point in addiction when there's nothing left but the need...no conscience, no empathy, no decency...and it's a rare person who makes it back from that point. Maybe a miracle will happen, but it's probably best to focus on the little miracle growing inside you and making that baby's life wonderful as a single parent.
I hope you'll stick around. There are so many who understand what you're going through.
Sending you a huge hug.
P.S. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say, would have made any difference.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: San Antonio, tx
Posts: 5
@Ariesagain
Thank you for saying those things. All of those things Have absolutelyrun through my mind… If I paid more attention to him, if I said the right thing, if I realized it sooner, my mind just flooded with so many thoughts.
As much as everyone wants me to, it's so hard to walk away and pretend that I don't still love him. I know that he's lost in this addiction and I just have a hard time giving up on hiM.
And yes, I did want this baby too...but I wasn't supposed to be like this.
Thank you for saying those things. All of those things Have absolutelyrun through my mind… If I paid more attention to him, if I said the right thing, if I realized it sooner, my mind just flooded with so many thoughts.
As much as everyone wants me to, it's so hard to walk away and pretend that I don't still love him. I know that he's lost in this addiction and I just have a hard time giving up on hiM.
And yes, I did want this baby too...but I wasn't supposed to be like this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
oh Dear Heart that is so terrible... maybe its just stress that is doing the preg alert to your body.. that can happen... scream to us. sit down and type type type clear your heart your mind and your soul here.. you are safe. promise.. love prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow. and thoughts of you and family every minute...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found the forum.
It might be worth posting your original message in the Friends and Family area as well as in this section, as many folk there will have been through similar and be able to offer you even more support and advice.
I would suggest making some connection with your local AlAnon groups as well. Nothing like some face to face support from others who have walked these paths before us.
http://texas-al-anon.org/sanantonio/...st-dist-12-13/
Sending my prayers and hope for you from the UK this evening.
It might be worth posting your original message in the Friends and Family area as well as in this section, as many folk there will have been through similar and be able to offer you even more support and advice.
I would suggest making some connection with your local AlAnon groups as well. Nothing like some face to face support from others who have walked these paths before us.
http://texas-al-anon.org/sanantonio/...st-dist-12-13/
Sending my prayers and hope for you from the UK this evening.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
I'm really sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for addicts to behave as he did.
Right now, I hope you can focus on your baby and yourself. You need to take care of you and do the best you can for your child.
Right now, I hope you can focus on your baby and yourself. You need to take care of you and do the best you can for your child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Sorry to read about what happened. You'll find lots of support here, I'm sure of it.
Your post was so clearly written, I wish could be of more help, but all I can do is echo what has already been said - take care of yourself first! From my own experience, addicts have a tendency to strive for retaining a certain status quo - one that allows them to keep using. What they don't want, are the real consequences and the obligation to face them. That's where the lying comes in, the running away, going to extreme measures to hide that they're using etc.
In the end, the only person who can 'make it stop', is the addict. Up until that firm decision, people who care (however much they care for the addict) are an obstacle between the addict and their drug of choice, because these people affect (what could be) the remnants of the addict's conscience. Running away in the scenario you described seems crazy irresponsible to most everyone else, but not to the addict.
I wish you strength and resolve to see these things through. Stay strong, Peaceful.
Your post was so clearly written, I wish could be of more help, but all I can do is echo what has already been said - take care of yourself first! From my own experience, addicts have a tendency to strive for retaining a certain status quo - one that allows them to keep using. What they don't want, are the real consequences and the obligation to face them. That's where the lying comes in, the running away, going to extreme measures to hide that they're using etc.
In the end, the only person who can 'make it stop', is the addict. Up until that firm decision, people who care (however much they care for the addict) are an obstacle between the addict and their drug of choice, because these people affect (what could be) the remnants of the addict's conscience. Running away in the scenario you described seems crazy irresponsible to most everyone else, but not to the addict.
I wish you strength and resolve to see these things through. Stay strong, Peaceful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: San Antonio, tx
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much. Your kind words and information are helping greatly. I pray that for whatever brought each of you to this site, that you find peace in your journey as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,579
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you PeacefulJourney and agree with all of the advices above, that is looking after yourself and baby first.
And this would be the advice I believe you would receive were he to return. Yourself and baby need to be first priority.
And this would be the advice I believe you would receive were he to return. Yourself and baby need to be first priority.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
