vulturine

I picked up my damn degree parchment today. I had to pick it up today, or they would have destroyed it on Monday. My convocation letter stated, "UofT demands more of its graduates than most institutions..." Right. I was such a great student drinking a bottle of vodka every night. "So much opportunity lies ahead of you.." Ahahaha! What a waste. All those nights spent memorizing hundreds of proteins, ions and genetic elements. FML I want to kill myself.

Damn, I made the dean's honours list and graduated with distinction, so I was one of the top 30 students in all the sciences of that year. Anyway, I knew it would upset me to go pick up my parchment, which is why I left it until the last minute. I was actually tearing up a little during the trip home and then I just cried at home. I think I'm going to give it to my dad since he paid for it.

I wish I had a bottle of anything right now so much.

ScottFromWI

How about a bottle of water? Wish for something that will help you, not make everything worse. There are people that would line up around the block several times not only to have the opportunity to pursue a degree such as the one you just recieved, much less actually achieve it. A little gratitude goes a long way, why not save a little for yourself and the efforts you put in to get there?

MissPerfumado

Pick yourself up, Vulturine! You are a young, intelligent, capable woman. Stand up tall and believe that, because it is true.

Somewhere in that self hatred and self pity, you KNOW you have achieved something to be proud of.

If you focus only on the narrowness of now, today, you will easily get depressed over your circumstances. But if you pull back and look at the entire situation, it is in fact full of hope. You have a university degree, you are young, you are sober. Three very important FACTS, that should fill you with hope.

Plus, the determination and intelligence that got you onto the Dean's List are still yours.

People on this site have pulled themselves out of seemingly hopeless situations, by sobering up and working to a brighter future, step by step.

You are just as capable of achieving your dreams. Please start believing it because it is true and because that belief is what will get you moving in the right direction.

Fly N Buy

I had reached what is at times referred to as that jumping off point. A head full of recovery and a belly full of booze.........couldn't imagine living through the next 24 hours.

Something happened though and I found a way out. A day, a month - two months - then six months. Then a year, then two........wow.

Nothing special, but had to find other solutions to my problems.

You are not alone and good for you on posting. That's at times is pretty over achieving for me...........

Keep coming back

RDBplus3

I could predict the future when I was drinking ...

I KNEW every day was gonna be F#(<ed-Up.

RDBplus3 ... Now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... ain't that some $#!+

Delizadee

Vulturine, I'm not trying to pick on you at all and I really am sorry you are feeling so low

But, I don't understand and must have missed one of your posts regarding it because I'm at a complete loss as to why this
Is surrounded with so many words of self-loathing and disgust?

If you graduated with a degree with honours, can you not still pursue something in it, once you've got a firm grip on sobriety?

And on that note, what are you doing to address you issues hun?
You don't post much, I think posting more would really help. Are you getting help in real life for anything?

Is this anything to do with the background check you had referred to a bit ago?

TulsaGentleman

So sad. Give yourself some credit. You deserve it.

vulturine

I used to drunk email my profs in the faculty and drink at school, and I just lost all credibility. :'( Now I have no references for the research I did.

vulturine

I designed and conducted 3 different experiments, and now I can't even use them on my resume, or go to grad school really.

Misc72

I'm so sorry things seem hopeless for you. I remember when I lost my dream job, after my 3rd incident of drunkedness on a company event. They hated to fire me but they had too. I guess I shouldn't have asked the owner of company to come in after the event. It was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me, except of course when I was published in the Slammer magazine for a DUI and that got around a different company I was at. Sigh... It took years, but now I'm happier than ever running my own business. The universe works in mysterious ways. You can recover from losing credit for your research. I promise, this isn't the only path to be successful. Just slow down the emotions for a minute, take it all in, accept the consequences of your actions, turn the other cheek and keep moving forward. You have too. And please don't say you want to kill yourself. xoxoxo

Delizadee

Are you totally sure of that? Have you done or thought of going to them in person and apologizing and seeing if they'd be open to reconsidering being a reference for you?

One of the things that would really benefit taking a step in that direction would be by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and putting a HUGE effort into your recovery so you could take that to them and have people vouch for your efforts there. That might hearten them enough to reconsider.
Just a thought... it's something to consider.

Have you been doing any recovery work? Where are you sitting on that?
I know I'm putting you on the spot so if you don't want to answer that that's ok. I am just trying to encourage you. I know you have been very down for a long time, and I hope something can be the catalyst for change in your life. You need it, and you deserve it.
YOU have to be the one to do it though. And you should really be proud of yourself anyways. That is an achievement to be proud.

Algorithm

You are obviously intelligent if you were able to graduate with honors despite having an anvil around your neck the whole time. I know it's difficult, but imagine what you could do without that anvil slowing you down.

The alcohol will slowly destroy your mind, and make you more depressed and hopeless while it does it. The universe is merciless towards the weak and the disadvantaged, so we must not waste any advantage that either nature or upbringing gives us.

You are young, and you still have time to make a decent life for yourself. Do not waste your intelligence on the bottle. You'll never forgive yourself, and the bottle will abandon you eventually, as it does all of us.

vulturine

I'm just really depressed I'm not in school right now. I love school. I don't know why I do things.

Misc72

I'm giving you a big virtual hug. xoxoxox

MissPerfumado

Hey now, we are all alcoholics who have done things we wish we hadn't. You're not alone with your regret and disappointment at things you've done and opportunities gone because of alcohol - you are among people who understand that.

But we only have today to make a difference. We cannot change the past, only learn from it.

Is going back to school a dream for you? You can make it happen. I like Delizadee's idea of contacting your former professors, admitting the problem, and showing them you are addressing it.

Take a deep breath and hold onto your dream. Then think about what it will take to make it happen. Step by step. We can only climb a mountain one step at a time. But if you stay still and keep looking back ... well ... what changes?

vulturine

I don't know. I need something simpler to do so I don't freak out again and start drinking in someone else's lab. Academia isn't for everyone. I just don't know how much of my anxiety was caused by substance abuse because I never had an anxiety problem before. -_-

Thanks for all the suggestions. I knew I'd be depressed today. I was considering just letting them destroy it but apparently my parents want it.

Delizadee

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Berrybean

Just checking, but do you know they won't give you references, or are you presuming that? It may be that their references would only be for the academic side of things rather than a character reference, but perhaps in time you will be recovered and we'll enough to face up to these people, apologise for your side in whatever it was that happened and asking them straight up "would you be willing to give me a reference for my academic work?"

Not being funny, but I don't suppose you're the first student they've had who has presented challenges. It looks good on your education institution that you were successful in the way that you were, and likelihood is that this is the side of things that they will chose to project to others. They're unlikely to hold resentments for long. That's our alcoholic way. To be honest, you sound more like you're resenting their perceived and projected reaction far more than you are feeling any kind of real remorse for the affect you may have had on them as people or an institution. Its worth looking at that because self pity (like self loathing, which is just the flip side to our massive egos ) really does hurt us more than if ever helps us.

Anyway. Congratulations on your successes. As far as the failings, well, you can decide to move onward and upward now and let them be past of your past, or get that bottle and continue with them and include those failings in your present and future. We all have that choice. Completely up to any of us, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Many people come to sobriety having lost much more than you or I did. This may not have been the fairy-tale ending to your academic career that you wanted, but it could have been a lot worse. Perspective is everything. Maybe you could have a go at a gratitude list.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

SnazzyDresser

You seem to be living in the past to an unhealthy degree.

vulturine

I almost had an anxiety attack. My adviser followed me on ResearchGate. He told me he never follows students. What does it mean? Leave me alone, professor!