Thebiglie

I am 5 days sober and really glad to have gotten this far.

Last night I went to the gym and did a work out as I usually do. What I have noticed in the past, is if I am dressed first, I go over to one of friends and wait for him and we leave together, I bid him farewell and we both drive off in different directions.

I have noticed though if he finishes before me, he just goes. This happened a few times when I was drinking and last night when I was sober.

It never really bothered me when I was drinking, because my aim was to get to the supermarket to buy alcohol, but now I am sober it really got to me.,

Why does he not wait for me, as I wait for him. Am I being over sensitive about this or are feelings more raw when on the wagon ?

I have also noticed that my attitude towards television has also changed, all the adverts about cut price alcohol at this supermarket or that seem really insensitive to those of us that no longer or have not ever drank.

I think maybe answering my own question, that I am overly sensitive.

MICAH87

I too am five days sober, its the anxiety from withdrawal, makes us sensitive and paranoid, the feelings will fade with time. Keep going :-)

I too am seeing the Christmas booze everywhere now. There is a thread on here with tips on coping with the festive period.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...val-guide.html

Yogini1603

The adverts bother me too! I know when I've had a longer period of sobriety I just sort of tune them out, but at the moment they are annoying me as they trigger a "Oh, that's a bargain!" thought process in my head.

I'd imagine that this guy probably doesn't give it a second thought, but yeah, in recovery especially earlier on, we often feel very vulnerable and exposed. Personally, I'm someone that immediately defaults to isolating in order to stop myself feeling much of anything. Problem with that is that I isolated whilst drinking and it turns into a big trigger. It's hard to change but you're doing great and be patient with yourself!

Sasha4

Why don't you leave when you are first ready, not wait for him and see how he takes it?
Just do it as a little test?

I am the same as you. I get niggled by little things and that would bother me too if I was in your shoes.

I'm quite sensitive and what people think of me and how they treat me matters to me. If I am told I am overly sensitive that then irks me even more.

Some of us have thicker skins than others but we can't help that. I think its down to DNA and what we were given. I hate having to apologise for being sensitive as I can;t help it.

I am also a people pleaser.
I go out of my way to treat people well, make them feel better about themselves, avoid confrontation and I am bad at saying no. I also think how would it look if I did what I really wanted to do?

I do get exhausted by how I over analyse things for example 'what did they mean with that email?. They did not smile when they saw be on the street have I upset them? Why have they not returned my text message? I waved when I passed them in the car, they ignored me. Why?

If you decided to do the little test, let me know how it goes yep?

PS - the alcohol adverts are everywhere when you stop. I am five years sober in Feb 2017. I don't notice them as much as now. Time helps xx

SnazzyDresser

Congrats on 5 days! That's the main thing.

About the other, I do think it's a little rude on his part to leave like that tbh.

MidnightRider

Congrats on Day 5 !

Maybe it's just me... But if you arrived separately then I do not think it's out of place (for him) to leave separate. Although it does seem rude not to wait and say bye. But you know... Everyone's on their own time and maybe he has places to be.

Maudcat

Congratulations on 5 days, TBL. Keep coming back. Often, when I feel slighted in some way, it helps to think that it isn't about me. It isn't personal. I just think it is. Your workout friend would likely be surprised at your reaction to his leaving without saying good-bye. Probably hasn't occurred to him that you feel a little hurt by it. Peace.



y

August252015

What I've been taught and now accept thanks to AA is....it's not about you. If you operate under that assumption - not ascribe intent to anyone else, because you simply do not know what their intent is- life is so much easier. It is not your place to take anyone's inventory- in AA speak, that means thinking you know what they're doing or feeling or why, making it about you ("why does he do this to me?") etc. And most of the time? It ain't about you.

Us alcoholics are very sensitive people. Every perceived slight, every intonation, every unreturned text, every.....means insult or injury or bad news. And it simply doesn't.

Giving this kind of thing a pass, so to speak, is how I try to handle interpersonal situations that niggle at me.

Hang in there and keep going. Your perspective will keep changing as you have more and more time sober.

D122y

Tbl,

Sounds like you are doing great.

At 5 days, I was sick w withdrawals. I had flew like symptoms.

It was a mess for many months.

This healing means you have quit before more damage has been done through kindling.

Regarding your friend....i would leave w out waiting for him from now on.

I have a bunch of Co workers that are not good friends. So I totally relate.

If being sensitive is the most significant issue you suffer in your recovery....consider yourself lucky.

Stay clean.

biminiblue

I would leave when I'm dressed.

Do you have some agreement that he walk you out or is it just in your head? If he is supposed to walk you out and has agreed to do so, that's one thing. Expecting him to read your mind is entirely another.

entropy1964

Congrats on 5 days.

Why don't you simply ask your friend? Or say to him, wait for me before you leave. I doubt its personal on any level. Leaving yourself is kind of tit for tat,ya know? I mean, that's fine but just asking for what you need seems more mature to me.

Well alcohol adverts, drinking in TV shows etc etc is really no different than all the other advertisements. Imagine being obese and every other commercial is for fast food and junk food. At least in my city one can drive down any major road and pass all number of drive thru junk food places. That's got to be awful for the 70% of our population that is over weight and suffering from a litany of 'lifestyle' diseases. It just is. I'm always amazed at how much people drink in certain shows that I watch and they are never drunk or hungover How Do they DO that? Se la vie!

BrendaChenowyth

Half way through this post, I started nodding my head... like yup, I absolutely recognize what he is saying! So I hope that comforts you some.

I did find that when I took off the "blinders" I could see a lot of things I wasn't willing or able to see around me. I was so laser focused on my pursuit of satisfying my compulsion, that people could treat me however they felt like, and I often would not notice. Now I see more and I see things I don't like. And I'm not wrong - you're not wrong - to be offended by actions that don't seem right.

I wasn't emotionally available to other people for most of my adult life, and as a result, either did not reach out at all, or if I did, it never recurred long enough to become consistent or expected, and if it did, it would fall by the wayside if it got in the way of my drinking, and I would hurt people.

So now I'm seeing things clearly... I've got some sober time and I've done some personal work, and so now I have self respect enough to not only know how to treat others, but how to treat myself. When you take care of yourself and stand up for what is right for you, it becomes less important how others treat you. Because your value doesn't change based on their actions.

I am very much still learning where I fit... My new personality will seem too strong to people who are used to me not having one at all, and it will turn off people who have some pathological need to have power over others - they will not have it over me. The good news, and I think you can get to this point as well, is that I will be starting to attract people in to my life that respect themselves first, and as a rule respect others, until given a good reason not to. So you will have a gym buddy that you can count on to walk out with you. I will have a friend to study with that isn't gonna flake on me. So on and so forth. But we have to give it time, we'll get there.

BrendaChenowyth

And trusting our feelings! Not dismissing them as silly!

I had a lot of feelings come up when I stopped drinking, and I finally had to allow them to come out, and just sit with them, learn that it was okay, that I wasn't going to die if I didn't hurry up and cover them with alcohol. I read a lot. And I learned ways to compartmentalize feelings long enough to analyze them and figure them out... I don't stuff them. As I move forward in my recovery, my feelings are more level, more appropriate to situation and place, I feel more in control. I can trust myself enough not to jump to the conclusion that I'm being overly sensitive. That takes time as well.

Delilah1

Welcome to SR, and congrats on five days! As for your friend, he/she probably doesn't realize you thought you would be walking out together. Maybe the next time you go to the gym you can say. "I'll meet you back at... after we get changed" or even just "hey, wait for me when you get dressed and we can walk out together."

Great job on getting to the gym so early in sobriety!

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome to SR. I think Delilah gave a very great partial tip on handling this and Brenda has some great insights on what is going on behind the issue.
Congratulations on 5 days. Keep up the sobriety and the work in the gym.

**Off topic, BrendaChenowyth, I love your user name! Great post as well.

january161992

hi thebiglie

great job on 5 days!

i am an extreme example of self will run riot and extremely self centered

for me to think ever about other peoples feelings is a new and different concept

it has always been me me me me

maybe i am not the only person on the planet with these defects of character

OpioPhobe

My feelings were much more raw in early recovery. As in...off the charts raw.

I personally don't think you are being overly sensitive in the situation. A large part of my recovery has been on not allowing others to treat me in ways that I wouldn't treat them. I thought I was ok so long as I treated others the way I wanted to be treated. Somehow I thought they would get the hint, and treat me with respect because I treat them with respect. Instead I got ran over all the time because I didn't address small things early on.

I think it is weird that your friend doesn't treat you with the same courtesy that you afford him. If I was in that situation I would probably confront him about it in person and ask him what the problem is. If he tries to accuse you of being overly sensitive I would consider that manipulation on his part.

Just my 0.02.

Berrybean

Why are any of us the way we are. Maybe his head is full of what he's going to cook and eat when he gets home. Maybe he doesn't even think about it. Maybe he's in a rush. Maybe he doesn't want to bother you.... Maybe maybe maybe.

Thing is, if this is what he's always done, why expect him to change now? Right or wrong, polite or rude, friendly or abrupt - that's his habit.
You know, Sandy Beach (I think it was him anyway) said on one of his speaker recordings that us thinking 'x doesn't like me' puts us in just the same pain as if the person actually came right over and said 'I don't like you'. Sure, we can't stop those thoughts passing through our minds, but we can train ourselves through being mindful, to not attach ourself to the thought and give it more importance and validation than it deserves. I'd suggest accepting your friends ways and adjusting your expectations of him a little bit. After all, you can't change him.

And good on ya for posting your preoccupation. Hopefully getting it out of your head helped.

Wishing you all, the best for your sobriety. BB

Fears are just stories that we tell ourselves. "Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it. That is the point." (Daisy Roth)

Mindfulness: Noticing your thoughts and feelings without kicking your own arse while you're doing it. (Ruby Wax)

Steely

I'd think it rude if he didn't say, "bye, see you next week" or something, but agree with other posters in that as we go stronger such slights will not have the same power. We will be more integrated and hold our own power.

The ads don't trigger me, but feel both sadness and a legitimate anger towards an industry that sells the lie to the young.

Raeven

that is an accomplishment! I was, and still. can be, hyper sensitive. starting to recognize that not everyone sees things my way, and it isn't usually personal. Hang in there, if it bothers you, ask. probably never occurred to him.

good job! Be proud of what you've accomplished.