Miramira

My mind runs so fast with so many things to say that I'm not sure where to start or how much to tell or in fact why I am writing at all.
I guess because I feel stuck and am trying desperately to find a way out.

My relationship with alcohol goes back along way, I have tried to break up with it too many times to count.

Particularly in the last 2 years and I have been particularly unsuccessful in the last two years despite trying every avenue I thought possible to help me.

Detox centers, D&A counselors, a detox in the local hospital, supervised home based detox, a 5 week rehab stint and most recently a home based solo detox.

It's one thing to detox and it's one thing to stay sober in a rehab centre but it's quite another to do it in everyday life.

As so many other alcoholics I seem to have mental health issues and alcohol is both my solution and my destroyer.

Mental health medications do not seem to work for me and I believe make things worse (They had me on five different medications when I left rehab I left there with so many plans and such strong conviction. When I got home it was like I'd stepped into a trap and all I could see were walls every which way I turned. I proceeded to take all the pills at once and ended up in a helicopter with a machine breathing for me.)

It's very hard to medicate something that can not seem to be accurately diagnosed. I've been told depression, anxiety, traits of bipolar, traits of BPD etc etc. To the point where I don't believe in any of it except that I am in some way a flawed human being.


Ok as I said at the beginning I have too much going through my head.

Where am I at right now? Well I am a single mother of an 8 year old, I work as a swimming teacher, I drag my feet through life in a haze of hangovers and drunkenness. I fake smiles and fake ok-ness outside of my home and run back home as soon as possible to live my sick life of misery and obsessive compulsive drinking. It IS an obsession and it runs my life.

A few weeks ago I went to my GP and asked him for some Valium to help me through a solo, home based detox. I said I did not want to be referred to drug and alcohol or mental health as they both just keep referring me back to each other.

Anyway so I did this home based detox and then fell straight back into drinking. Not yesterday but the day before I decided that's it I'm doing this without any help. I am alone in life (no friends, no social life at all) and there's no point trying to pretend I'm not. I have to stop drinking whether I'm alone or not.

Felt like crap after a day of not drinking which was a bit of a downer but I was feeling proud of myself (lol one day?) by the end of the second day I was drinking again. NO CONTROL.

It's scary this thing. It's like something inside of me, like I'm possessed. I do it and all the while the real me is saying DON'T!! YOU"RE KILLING ME! I WANT TO LIVE!!

This post is way too long and I'm sorry and I'm not sure what I'm even expecting to achieve by writing it. But I've written it now so I'm just going to post it. Better saying it all here to people who get what I'm talking about than saying it to people who can not help but judge because they have no experience with this beast!!

neferkamichael

Miramira, I'm over 6 years sober now. Your drinking self is vigorously competing with that side of you that wants to quit. What I did most was just suffer through the attacks from the beast within me. The desire to drink will go away with time, rootin for ya.

saoutchik

Welcome Miramira

It strikes me that you have a good insight into your alcoholism but that you are not getting help ( or not getting the right help) with your mental health issues. Perhaps the next time you see your doctor you could put down in writing what you have said in this post, i know that when i have seen the doctor i have not said a quarter of the things i wanted to.

I don't believe for a minute that you are a "flawed human being" Miramira. You need to be in a place where you at least have some faith in a diagnosis and to get to that stage it might be necessary to get some sober time in order for any medication to work. I'm sure you can get control of this

Good luck

least

It is hard to stop drinking for good, but it is possible. But you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

biminiblue

That racing mind/racing body was a lot of the reason why I drank, too. The alcohol shut it up: and yes, the alcohol makes it way worse.

Time away from the bottle is what healed it for me. You may or may not have underlying mental health issues once you've been sober for a while. I know there were many days I felt crazy in early sobriety - but it does get better!

Hang on. Keep talking. The spinny brain will die down; I've been there. It takes continuous sober time.

Anna

Mira, I'm sorry for your struggle but you've come to a place where you will find lots of support. My life also shrunk to almost nothing by the end of my drinking days. It was exhausting and it was a relief to just stop. You can do this and be the person you want to be.

awuh1

With all the treatment you have been through you weren't introduced to AA? Did you go when you got out? attempt to make friends there? get numbers to call instead of taking a drink? do the steps?

Treatment is all well and good, but it sounds like you need to do something more.

soberlicious

YES! That's exactly what it feels like. I quit drinking almost 10 years ago and I used techniques similar to the AVRT method, whereby you learn to recognize that "other" part of you and not act on "it's" commands. If you're interested in this technique, there are several thread over in the secular connections section here on SR. There is also a book that outlines it as well.

Really no mental health treatment can be fully effective until you get the substances out. I focused on that first, so that I could then see exactly where I was with anxiety and depression, etc because you can never really know while drinking because drinking impacts those things so largely. After quitting, the treatments actually began to make a difference for me.

I know it's hard, but hang in there. It is so worth it that I can't even put it into words.

Algorithm

You're not possessed, but that's a very keen insight nonetheless. There really is a part of you that wants to drink at all costs, but it can't do anything except appeal to you to drink on its behalf.

Does it feel like an inner debate? To drink or not to drink?

BlissWithin

Hi Miramira, welcome to SR.

My advice is to stay close to this forum and read / post as much as you need. This helped me tremendously to overcome my alcoholism and live a better and healthier life.

Miramira

Thank you all for your responses.
Still the mind runs at a million miles an hour so its hard for me to respond individually to them all.
I have been introduced to AA a number of times. In fact my most successful attempt at quitting was about 4 years ago, I lasted four months. No counselors, no detox centers, no rehab, just NA once a week......oh and an amethyst elixir I had made by leaving amethyst in spring water in the sun. Had just read spiritual dimensions of healing addictions.
Why NA? Because I live in a small town in which there are no meetings at all. There are meetings in nearby towns but all have been very difficult to get to due to times, my child and for the last 2 and a half years, transport as I have no licence (32 month sentence there) and the public transport here is almost non existent.
I returned to that meeting after I got out of rehab and persisted for a while but it's a very small meeting and the same people with the same things to say every time. And the program essentially just didn't work for me.
So hey maybe it was the elixir after all!!
I've also tried the Alan Carr book, self hypnotising on and on it goes.

I've heard it so many times "you have to really want to stop" I just don't get what that means. If I didn't want to stop why would I go to all these lengths to do so. In the detox centres and in rehabs there were always people there who seemed to use the places as a bit of a respite and a break and there was talk of 'when I get out of here I'm going to have a drink'. Or you know one guy saying oh its beer o'clock I just need a beer.! That wasn't me. It isn't me.

Even two days ago when I stopped I was 100% in it and I felt so good about that.

And YES!! it is like a debate, a constant debate and I just keep losing it. But I haven't stopped trying. I'm not going to stop trying. I cant stop trying to win it. Or put the damn thing to an end. Like when you say to your child (well i say) "it's not up for debate mate, just do it"

I have just come back from a walk in which I had to keep repeating to myself over and over 'dont think just move, dont think just move.' So I guess when the debate starts I have to repeat "it's not up for debate mate!! Did I ask for your opinion? I think not! So shut the you know what up and leave me alone to live my life. It might be miserable but its all I got!!"

Ok on and on I go. Gotta go teach some little cherubs how to swim to save their lives!! Pretty ironic when I'm drowning in my own.

Thank you again

Hevyn

Good stuff already said but I want to welcome you too, Miramira.

I was skeptical when I first joined SR - I really didn't expect much to happen. I didn't dream I'd have the understanding and compassion that I found here. A huge weight was lifted when I knew I never had to feel alone again. We're glad you're here.

Algorithm

The key is not to engage. You can't lose a debate that you don't join.

You've got the right idea, but again, it's best not to engage or to debate at all. Make the decision once, and then simply recognize those thoughts of drinking as contrary to that decision.

Miramira

Oh and Thank you Algorithm. Your suggestions do interest me and I will definitely be checking out those links in the near future.

awuh1

You might consider calling your area AA office and see if they have some suggestions for transportation with other AA folks in your area. As a rule, people in AA go out of their way to be helpful. Go to as many different meetings as you can.

It sounds like your longest period of sobriety was when you were going to 1 AA meeting a week. I wonder what would happen if you went 4 or 5 times a week (in the beginning), got a sponsor, called people in the program when things looked really bad etc etc. This is what most people people in AA, who managed to get long term sobriety, have done. That might be worth a try.

Dee74

Hi miramira
good advice here already.

I wanted to quit for a long time and I tried many things, but coming to SR seemed to help me consolidate my efforts and help me to commit to never drinking again- no matter what.

glad to have you join us

D

Delilah1

Just want to welcome you to SR!

PhoenixJ

MM- welcome- well done making effort. The worst part for me was the being alone with me bit. Isolation, loneliness, fear.. I knew I wanted something more. I had no idea what to do, how to do it. I see this stuff being like a huge ball of tangled cotton threads. Where to start? It really does not matter- I just had to. So find one thread and begin to unpick it. That loosens up a bit more thread- so untangle those knots. Over time- the threads begin to unravel and I see a little bit more progress. My threads are not drinking, health, washing clothes/myself, food, learning thru SR, keeping appointments, AA/sponsor,budget- each day unpicking every thread just a little bit more. Yesterday I agreed on my ex's terms to end a 30 year relationship. My son's have disownerd me- lost career, health, family, home, security, friends- and very nearly my life in a hellish way. Threads. My life is a rock- washed over continually by waves of stuff. Eventually the waves recede enough to take another breath. Any unpicked new thread helps- priest, community outing with 900 year olds, library, AA - whatever it takes. Fear of doing anything was much worse than doing stuff. You owe it to you to grow- give yourself a chance. Keep sharing. The best time to share is when you do not want to. It helps me. Perhaps it will help you too. PJ :-)

sleepie

Hi miramira (I like the name it is like lookie lookie!)

I wanted to suggest- if you are interested and I have been told that insurance will cover it, testing at a neuropsychologist. I did this and it was very, very thorough. A lot of times a person will diagnose someone with just talking to them and I don't think that is always an accurate way to do so.

Way back, I found a meditation based addictions group and if you can find such a thing near you I would say definitely take it up.

Even if it is an AA one, we had one here too but it dissipated... both were quite effective.

Miramira

Thanks again to all how have replied.
I really appreciate and need all the support and suggestions.

I live in a very small town with no real means of transport except a bike so AA is really not an option for me at the moment.

What I found most useful for me about AA is being in contact with people who understood me, who had been through similar and not so similar experiences. I felt connected there. And I guess that is what I am hoping for on this website. And I can come here anytime of day that I need to, without having to juggle my life and organise a ride.
Sooo I'm wondering if somebody could maybe give me some tips on how to best use this site??