weirdesttoner

Hi all,

I was an everyday drinker for a long time, i become sober for a while, then i became a once a week binger, become sober for a while again, and i become once a week binger again.
Only the fact that i can't be a once a week binger anymore, looks like i'm getting worse, i'm getting drunk 3 out of 7 days.
All this was in a spawn of about 3 years.
I'm getting out of hand again, although i knew i can't drink any amount.
This is my final attempt to regain control over my life and my addiction. I know i can do this and i HAVE to. Because if I fail, i'm going to suicide. I will not allow myself to have children with the same problem as me.
If I can't do this, my genes have to die with me. I honestly believe that addiction behaviour is inherited and i don't want to pass those bad genes to my children, our future.

ChloeRose63

Don't consider it 'your final attempt'...consider it 'the attempt that is going to finalize your drunken days'. Start with a solid plan...hour by hour, day by day to educate yourself about addiction. Find your triggers. It helps to better understand why you go for the bottle. Keep posting because we are all here for you! ♡ CR

ScottFromWI

I'm glad you are here and making another effort at this WS. Perhaps rather than calling this your "final" attempt you can make it your "best" attempt. And by this I mean truly committing to anything that might help. It sounds to me like you are having extraordinary problems with your drinking, so it's going to take extraordinary measures to solve them. By that I mean that you should consider rehab ( inpatient and/or outpatient), meetings, therapy, counseling, literally anything that can help.

What have you tried in the past out of curiosity?

entropy1964

I understand the do or die thinking. I just know, for me, that trying to stay in the moment, one day at a time, really helps me not get overwhelmed. Just don't drink today and life will improve. I also know I can't do this alone so SR, counseling and f2f support are really important.

Nature, nurture? Who knows. Probably a combination of both...a phenotype. Again, don't sweat the future too much. Just do whatever you have to do to stay sober today!

Dee74

Hi Weirdstoner

I'm sorry you're so low. I really want to impress up you tho the fact that sometimes recovery can take a while.

I struggled for 15 years until I was at the point I was willing to do whatever it took to stop drinking and stay stopped.

I understand the despair - but I'm sure you're a good decent person - don't start thinking about making lifetime decisions on the way you feel today.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

There is life after drinking and there is lasting recovery. Don't doubt it

Do you have a plan on how you'll stay sober at all?

D

weirdesttoner

Hi all, and thank you.
Both times i failed because i believed myself to be somehow "cured" and felt so normal and haven't experienced an urge in a long time, that i thought i can try one, to drink a unit, like a normal person does. I clearly can't.
Why i didn't started again yet? Because life got better for me, and in the same time more stressful, so i indulged myself. Somewhere i lost my willpower.

I know i sounded kind of phony with the do or die thing, but i honestly believe it. I have some strong mindset when it comes to children. I don't believe that people like me should perpetuate and possibly make children with the same problems as i do.

Dee74

Find your acceptance instead?

Acceptance that you cannot drink, and be who you want to be.

Make the choice and choose yourself

D

weirdesttoner

Thank you Dee, you were always useful! I'm calling this day 1 and start this journey again.

Mags1

Hi weirdesttoner, good for you on day 1.

Stay close to SR, there's so much experience and knowledge here to help you.

FreedomCA

It's a very despairing illness. I have often thought my attempts were do or die because that is how I felt, but here I am 15 years later and still not dead after many attempts. I have right now 15 days with a solid plan to stay sober. I hope I don't drink again, but if I do, I risk something really bad happening, and that is why I want to stay sober. I am just trying to take it day by day, but no one in recovery truly knows for certain if he or she will drink again and what will happen if they do relapse. We all are working on staying sober for the next 24 hours, it's just that some of us have more time and thus possibly weaker cravings and others commit more time and work to their plan thus increasing their chances of staying sober.

I wish you all the best, as I felt suicidal when I struggled to get my Day 1 and thought I would be better off dead than being tortured daily with the promise to get sober only to fail. But I didn't give up and eventually the miracle happened and I am happy again.

doggonecarl

Then make celibacy part of your recovery. Or get "fixed" so you can't make children. But the main task is getting and staying sober and living the life you fully deserve.

biminiblue

I think blaming genetics is a bit of a cop-out.

All of us who have gone down the road of addiction have pre-disposing genetics if you believe in that. Many of us are recovered.

It's still your hand putting it in your mouth. If you don't have the first one, addiction gene or not, there is no addiction.

Hawkeye13

I didn't choose to have children either in part due to my two alcoholic parents, but suicide was never an option as a form of birth control.

Please realize you have many options and that your life is important in its own right.

You can find your way out of this--do whatever it takes to get there
including inpatient or external support or therapy or whatever.
You matter