MellowHeather

Hi all

So - I have a really bad alcohol addiction that has been going on since I was 16 up to now at 31. It's affecting my health and I know I have high liver readings.

I've got to quit but it's everything I know. I'm away from friends and family and I have nobody to talk to on this. Alcohol has been the only constant in my life for - well - half my life - and all of my adult life.

I need to get to an AA meeting and a doctor, but once I go to a doctor it's game over and I'm terrified that will be just me off to hospital, discovering the extent of the damage, and potentially that it's already gone too far. I'm easily on a bottle of vodka a day now - including one drink every morning before work.

Very recently, I started getting panic attacks. These stemmed from a different incident - and stress at work doesn't help - but alcohol doesn't help either! I went to the hospital here but after seeing my blood alcohol level, they lost sympathy pretty quickly. I had to be in work the next day so I just left.

I haven't even tried to quit in years now - zero motivation since my last relationship broke down due to - of course - my addiction. But the only reason I want to do it now is because my parents are still alive so I have to keep going. My dad was also an alcoholic but he managed to quit almost 30 years ago.

The only thing going on in my life is my job. I've isolated myself entirely in this country for two years. Went on a few dates but usually withdrew after one or two.

I don't know how to deal with this. I'm also smoking a ridiculous amount now which is also affecting my health so it's just too overwhelming to even begin to tackle what I need to tackle.

This is a long post so apologies. I'd just appreciate if anybody has any advice or understanding. Getting the panic attacks here has been really scary and made me realise just how alone I am and that I have to do something.

Suzieq17

I started drinking at 17, and came here 5 days ago to quit. I am 40. I was consuming at least a bottle of wine a night or 8-9 beers a night. It had gotten out of control, and I had to admit that I lost control.

You have taken the first step, that's great!!! Stay close to SR.

trachemys

Heather, you can do this. It won't be pretty but you just quit drinking. You have to quit drinking.

FreedomHorse

Welcome MellowHeather!

MICAH87

You will find understanding here. You can do this. One day at a time. Maybe learn some breathing techniques to cope with the panic attacks would be a good step

MidnightRider

I quit this year... First days are difficult but if I can do it ... Anyone can. I know it sounds cliche but it is true. Anyone can quit ... But they need to want to quit. More than anything else.

How did I do it? Well.... It's a sickness, so I treated it like one. I took sick days and stayed in bed for 3 straight days. Lots of water ... Soup, crackers.... It was not easy. I was sick for 2 days... 3rd day was easier. I literally stayed in bed for 3 days. Watched TV and was on SR a lot. In fact that was when I first found SR. The day I was googling how to quit.

I wanted to share... Hope it helps. I am not out of the woods. I have had several relapses. But I still am determined to be sober.

Best to you !

tomsteve

glad youre here, heather.
if you go to a doctor and have to go to the hospital, that would be a good thing-much better than not going and continueing drinking.

youre going to have to want to get sober more than ya want to drink and be willing to do whatever is necessary.
id say AA saved my life, but it didn't. it gave me life.
the day before my 1st AA meeting and after my last drunk, i was looking at my past without trying to stuff it and seeing how much alcohol controlled me and was the common denominator in all my problems.the terror, remorse, bewilderment, and guilt were horrible. i was completely full of fear and anxiety.
I (felt) I was a hopeless,helpless,useless,worthless POS.
but i got the courage to walk in there. cried the whole meeting and quite a few after.i got the big book real quick and started working the steps.
it took T.I.M.E. but things IN ME started changing.
im no longer a hopeless,helpless,useless,worthless POS,have a pretty nice life, and haven't drank since.

getting sober was the hardest thing ive ever done- harder than a 3 1/2 year battle with cancer( and im pretty greatful i was sober when that happened!).

staying sober has been easy.

i sure hope ya decide to go to the doctor and AA. youre worth it and its not too big.

Algorithm

The body has a remarkable ability to resist damage and to recover from damage, but it needs abstinence first. This means that you need to put the alcohol away. Don't worry about it being "too late" or having gone "too far" or anything along those lines.

You need to stop drinking, clear your head, and give your nervous system and body a chance to recover, or things will inevitably get worse. You could lose your job as well, which will be absolutely devastating if you are also still addicted to alcohol.

Just focus on the obvious for now. If you're doing something that is hurting you, and that could lead to serious problems, wouldn't it be wise to stop doing it?

entropy1964

I know it seems completely overwhelming. I relate so much. But the only way to start is to stop drinking. See your dr about helping you with detox. Maybe consider a detox facility. Whatever it takes.

You are young. If getting blood work scares you too much right now maybe delay that a bit. 30 days or so of abstinence will have you thinking much more clearly. But if getting the blood work will motivate you then jump in. Knowing and not knowing don't change any realities. I very much tend to cautastrophise everything. It helps me to slow down, don't think ahead, look at the facts.

Its one day at a time. Hang in there.

least

Welcome to the family. You'll find lots of support here. I hope we can help you get sober for good.

Anna

Hi Heather,

It is overwhelming at the outset of stopping drinking. For me, the addiction had taken pretty much everything in my life and it was hard to know where to start. Take small steps. Don't drink today and get rid of any alcohol in your home. It helped me to make a To Do list and to scratch off one or two items each day. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something, even if it was just grocery shopping. You can do this!

MellowHeather

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the replies.

I have to quit as was said - or else go ahead and kill myself with alcohol in a very unpleasant way - and possibly sooner rather than later having irreversible damage. I don't understand how it has such a strong hold - I try to reason it out but I can't. Habit is a huge part of it I think? I resent the crap out of it - but that's just self pity which isn't helpful. There are a lot worse off than me.

So, tomorrow, I don't drink in the morning in the first instance – and then go to AA after work, which will hopefully be in English. Been here two years and never even learned the language. So much wasted life.

I'm so sick of this. I don't even have funny stories to tell - sitting alone in an apartment drinking vodka and avoiding contact is not the best anecdote. :/

saoutchik

Welcome MellowHeather

It is scary thinking about life without alcohol but really, it is infinitely better than carrying on drinking. Don't dwell on the "forever" aspect either, all you need to do is not drink one day at a time

I agree with what others have said here in that seeing a doctor would be a good idea in of itself and also is a practical/ physical step you can take towards getting sober. At your age especially the body has great powers of recovery

Good Luck!

MellowHeather

Thanks again

It's just everything. Work is crazy and I have to lead everything - which is a lot of fun when I'm probably hungover but I don't know what not being hungover is like anymore - it's scary how much alcohol I can take and still force myself to think. All I want is for somebody to take the lead and tell me what to do - just for a little while.

I wouldn't - realistically - take time off work at the moment. Nobody's irreplaceable - but it would cause a huge pile of hassle and would reflect badly on our company. If we were to lose this account, it would be a silly amount of money.

It's drink, work, new anxiety thing, smoking, no social network. Everything. And I think I'm a nice person - so I don't know why this has become my life. And there's that self pity again.

doggonecarl

You aren't struggling with a habit, MellowHeather. You are struggling with an addiction that would rather see you dead than sober. Addiction. Accept it. Treat it accordingly.

As for missing work to address detox, if you got the flu or fell down a flight of steps, you'd miss work. So don't make excuses not to do everything in your power to overcome this problem.

Algorithm

It certainly feeds off habits, but it does not necessarily need habits in order to perpetuate itself. It will make new habits -- if necessary -- to land on its feet. It both shapes and makes use of our perceptions, however, so even though that "strong hold" is actually an illusion, it appears otherwise.

Addiction is a prison without locks, and we can walk away from the prison at any time. The only power that it has is that which we decide to give it.

This is a rescue fantasy, which is very common to addiction. Your addiction has been your guiding star, your higher power, and you have blindly followed its mandate.

It wants you to believe that you are incapable of defeating it, and that only external forces could or would.

This, too, is part of the illusion.

teaorcoffee

One day at a time Heather, it's how everyone started, trying to take little steps.

Cauliflower

Welcome! You will find the support that you are desperately needing here. You can do it, if just for today, you can do it. Then come back here tomorrow, and say just for today. Do this everyday, and we'll rally around you. That's what I did 18 months ago, and I will never ever regret that decision I made one spring morning.

saoutchik

I did not miss any work time MH. It would probably be better if you could get time off but the plus side is that the time I was at work was time I was NOT thinking about drinking

MellowHeather

I probably wouldn't miss work in those situations. It took a lot to get to my job - I've been on emails always - doesn't matter how bad I feel - be it genuine illness or else this stress thing. That's not good I guess..

But I am making excuses. That's what I need to get passed. I don't know what to do. It's too hard and I'm sick of trying to keep my head above water. Two years of lying about a social life is exhausting enough - without dragging all the rest of the issues around. Like - how did you guys make the first step?