MellowHeather

Thank you - that's really nice.

I will tell the AA lady. I'll be meeting her tomorrow before the meetings, and - of all things - I'm trying to be honest. No more lies.

Well - I'm heading to bed now. Been drinking milk (I love milk) for the last wee while. I should be drinking water but that will be the next thing.

Thanks all again and I wish you a good night.

biminiblue

Thinking of you.

First day of you taking back your life. It's your power. You can do it.

PhoenixJ

Milk is good. Prayers- sleep well.PJ

Meraviglioso

Sounds great Heather! I'm really proud of you. Day one is hard, no denying it, but you CAN do it. I'' so glad you've got the meeting with the woman from AA, she shoukd be able to guide you and give you support. It will also be nice going into the meeting with someone. We can't wait to hear how it goes, come back and check in. And enjoy your milk!

Delilah1

Great job, each day will get a little easier. Make sure you have a plan in place for when thoughts of drinking pop into your head. Reading and posting here always helps.

MellowHeather

Hi all

So. I didn't drink today. I went to my first (and second) AA meeting this evening. They were really good - although I found the first one particularly difficult. As soon as I got to the building, I started shaking and getting upset and remained like that for about two hours. My head was literally buzzing.

The people were amazingly lovely. The first meeting was women only, which I'm glad about as that was the one I was most upset during. Of course a lot of what was said resonated with me. One thing in particular almost broke me completely. The only main difference with a lot of people is the length of time I've known I was an alcoholic without making any meaningful effort to quit, but there were far more similarities.

I really, really, really want to go out and buy vodka now. I came straight home instead of going to the store, but Christ this is difficult battling this internal argument that I've always given into before.

I'm also not sure why this post reads like it was narrated by a ten year old talking about their summer holidays!

Meraviglioso

Wow!!!! Amazing Heather! Believe me, we all know how difficult that first day is. Get your pajamas on, a glass of lilk and get into bed and keep reading here. Make a plan for tomorrow morning's shoeer time, that seems to be a tough moment for you. Plan on a nice tea with milk. You are going to feel great tomorrow knowing you got through this. Keep it going. One day at a time, one hour at a time when need be.

MellowHeather

Thank you. Well, this is the longest I've had free time that I haven't drank in God knows how long. If I don't drink tonight, it will be the first time in three years I guess - since the night before the interview for my current job.

There's a meeting tomorrow morning so I'll go to that. I don't know much about AA, but I guess I'll learn, but I know you're supposed to go to as many meetings as possible. I would like to be able to say that I didn't drink tonight.

The voices telling me to drink are giving not being able to sleep as a reason. It's so, so rare to fall asleep naturally for me, but people all around the world do it all the time!

Thanks again everyone for all of the support. If it wasn't for this forum, I wouldn't have poured out the rest of the vodka last night. I was asking myself this morning if I would drink if it was still there, and I more than likely would have. Then I would have continued drinking all day, been too drunk for the meetings, and be sitting here now probably crying my eyes out. Which I may still end up doing - but at least I'll be sober!

biminiblue

Yay! Really well done!

I was all over the place emotionally for the first couple weeks - totally normal for early sobriety. I also had trouble sleeping and for that matter I had trouble putting two thoughts together. That is not a reason to drink, it's a reason to double down on ways to stay away from it.

Did you get any phone numbers at that womens' meeting? Call them if you get overwhelmed. They want to talk to you.

Have you eaten? Taken a hot shower and put on night clothes? Go to bed sober. If you can't sleep, come back here - there's always someone here - and there is plenty to read.

Day One! Awesome!

August252015

Turning everything on its head is EXACTLY what I did when I quit. And it is the single best decision of my life.

I got to the point you are close to- a life of only vodka and liver damage. Long story very short: I went cold turkey.

And my new life began. I got sober in the literal sense, I started AA after years of fighting it so hard it would make your head spin at my antipathy for what turned out to save my life, and I began the process of LIViNG. I went through serious PAWS, and I made it . I am just past nine months today and I promise you my life is nothing like I would ever have imagined and it is wonderful. I would not have believed anyone who told me it could be. It has its challenges- I keep learning better ways to handle them. It has so many blessings I'd bore you to tears listening (or you might not believe me and think it could not be true). The bottom line is- I quit drinking, and I got a chance at life.

Jobs come and go, some relationships end, we get and lose things, and through it all we only have one us. One chance. I hope you take yours and find out what is on this side, for you. It is not too late. You are off to a good start now- keep going to meetings, listen and learn and don't drink. You are clearly a smart, thoughtful person- take the chance on yourself. I will tell you now there is not a single thing in my life that was better when I wa drinking and that is amazing.

Hope to see you here.

MellowHeather

Thanks all

So - another day, another dollar, and another meeting.

What made me positive last night not to even want to consider going out and getting drink was a quote along the lines of "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be". It's from a Just for Today leaflet thing. I read that and figured - FFS. I am sitting here doing EXACTLY what I desperately prayed for and EXACTLY what I thought that I couldn't do. I should be over the fecking moon!! And that was the end of the internal argument for the night!

So, it was a sleepless night in the end, but I wasn't freaked out. I read, watched some stand up, and didn't worry when I was in bed and couldn't sleep (which my brain had been trying to tell me would be the world's worst torture!) as I was comfortable in bed and just got up and had tea whenever I felt like it.

It's such early days. I'm still terrified - and twice today had - yep, I'm totally drinking today thoughts, but I'm going to keep busy and shop and actually cook the food I buy for once as I haven't been eating well at all.

I don't want to overrun this forum with constant updates here. Not sure if there's somewhere else I should move to now that I'm not a total newbie anymore? I know I'll still be on for support, but hopefully not so frequently!

MellowHeather

Oh - I found the November thread. I think that's where I should live in here now.

Sincerest thanks once again for all of the brilliant support and advice here. There is absolutely no way I would have made these first steps without you all. Really, really appreciate it!!!

Meraviglioso

Post anywhere Heather, we are all here to surround you with support. Whst you are doing is massive! You are DOING THIS girl, one day at a time. Oh and the sleep gets better. Soon enough you will fall into bed sober snd it will feel amazing. A lot of people post how they love to wake you sober, hangover free, feeling fresh. I like that too. But I also love going to sleep sober, face washed, creams on, instead of passing out in my clothes and make up, a sloppy, disgraceful mess.

Done4today

Welcome MH, you've already made the first step to recognize you have an issue with alcohol. Believe me that is such an amazingly strong self assessment. If you make it to AA meeting, I suggest get as many numbers as possible (from other females). And don't be hesitant to use the numbers, you calling someone helps to keep them sober also. Please post here as often as you can expressing anything and everything.

My last suggestion would be to go to hospital for a detox. If you've been drinking continuous for two years, then your withdrawals could be very dangerous.

biminiblue

There is no such thing as over-running the forum.

I'm so happy you are using positive self-talk...and that your prayer was answered.

Excellent stuff.

Algorithm

Addiction is a prison without locks, remember?

Ending your addiction is only as difficult as you decide that it will be, and it will take only as long as you allow it to take. You can make up your mind to end the internal argument at any time, by choosing to debate no more.

If you make up your mind to forever stop "considering", you can be free.

MellowHeather

Well - I didn't get further than day 5. Relapsed yesterday and just opened - and poured - and started a drink.

The first day was a bit shaky, but then I read that quote I mentioned before about people being as happy as they wanted to be - and that firmed up my resolve.

The second day I felt great - I had made it through the first night.

The third and fourth day I hadn't been sleeping, but it was all a bit of an adventure, so I never seriously thought of picking up a bottle.

Day 5, reality was kicking in. Which was fine - but everything was about Christmas and going to the markets and getting punch. I was meeting some friends and I had it all planned - go for some non-alcoholic punch, to say that there were too many parties recently and I was taking a step back from drink for a while.

Now - I could write a couple of paragraphs explaining why I didn't stick to my plan, but they would just be full of excuses.

So, I had two cups of punch and four beers. Most people would consider that a night out - but that's hardly anything for me.. Went home not drunk - but not sober either. I half planned then to go out and get a bottle of vodka, but I decided to just eat something and go to bed.

Woke up this morning feeling pretty good physically - I suppose it was a much milder session than usual, and I had a few days of sobriety behind me, which helped. Went to work, but started to feel so antsy. Went shopping after work and - for once - I actually shopped instead of looking in one or two shops and then heading for a bar. I wanted to head for a bar though.

Went to an AA meeting afterwards, which was good - but I went home and couldn't settle my mind.

I needed to go out and get milk anyway - for the copious amounts of tea that I'm drinking, and I was battling whether to get vodka. In the end - in my wisdom.., I lost the battle saying that I could just get it and not drink it.

I'm not quitting quitting though. I should have just thrown the bottle out on my way home. I really enjoyed being sober.

biminiblue

Pour it out now. No need to go down the rabbit hole again just because you bought it.

If you keep drinking today, you're going to feel awful tomorrow.

Every time you start up again it gets harder.

Of course your mind couldn't settle. You added alcohol. Again.

Do a little Google search on "Kindling."

You can make it to full-time sober. I think that's what you really want, or you wouldn't be here. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Dee74

Glad you're back Heather

Like Bim says if you have any alcohol left pour it out, Start fresh now

I recommend you check out the Class of December support thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-thread.html

all you need to do to join is post - and post often - especially if you find yourself a little wobbly.

D

MellowHeather

Thanks Biminblue and Dee.

I just poured it all out. Day 6 ~limited success.

Thanks to you guys.