MellowHeather

And - I'm sorry. I don't mean to come across as narky. Just posting as part of trying to push myself to get straight. If I stop posting, I lose one avenue.

JK130

So you're alone today, just you and all your worries? Me too. Let's both give and get here on SR. Is there alcohol in your house? If so, can you pour it out?

Do you have this long weekend away from your stressful job? If so, you might consider making it a time to pamper YOU. Sugar helps. And exercise. Sleep is hard and concentrating on a book or movie might be hard too, but worthwhile distractions so maybe try lots of bed/couch time.

I'm glad you're here!

Algorithm

Get rid of the supply, at least until your head clears.

As long as you keep using that as a justification, your addiction will step in and pose as your friend and lover. On some level, at some point, you fell in love with alcohol, and much like a jealous lover, your addiction has organized your life around itself, to the exclusion of all else.

You are obviously literate and competent professionally. In time, however, your addiction will probably destroy everything, including your job, but it won't be satisfied. It will demand more. Contrary to what you may have heard, there is no "bottom" except death.

I'll assume you mean that you wish you didn't have this crazy desire to drink, so that you might not have to expend any effort to abstain. The skill of abstinence can easily be learned, despite desire, but you need to be willing to suffer at least some discomfort initially.

biminiblue

It's not that you can't do it. You just haven't made a decision yet.

I made a decision that I would not have another drink. Ever. No matter what. No matter what thoughts came into my head, no matter what outside issues came up. Not an ounce of turnback in it.

That's the only way it works.

Pain, discomfort, anxiety, sleeplessness, loneliness, sadness - what ever comes up.

Your issues are not unique. You have convinced yourself that you are helpless. The only way to do it is to do it. It is to not pick up another drink.

The fact that you are not eating is concerning - malnutrition can lead to serious complications regardless of your alcohol intake. I personally think you need medical help right away.

Fusion

Heather, please don't follow the alcohol sodden path to take away your career. For years I drank to celebrate and then as the drink created negatives in my life; it became poor me, poor me, pour myself another drink and another.....ad infinitum.

There is a way to stop the self destruction, physically, mentally, by stopping drinking, forever. Personally, after trying many other methods, I succeeded with 'Rational Recovery Addictive Voice Recognition Technique', after a two decades addiction. You don't need to wait that long. There is information in the Secular Connections part of the forum, which provides guidance on the technique.

Meraviglioso

It is not irrational Heather, it is "our" normal. Our group psychologist in rehab told us that as crazy as it is for people like us drinking is the safe and comfortable road. It may be crazy and damaging and the wrong road, but for us it is all we know so we choose that road over and over again. We just have to trust that there has got to be a better way and go there. Day 1 becomes day 2 and day 2 becomes day 3 and before you know it it has been a week and then a month and then a year. You CAN do this one day at a time.

SnazzyDresser

Quitting alcohol can be difficult, Heather. We've been where you are now. Keep after it, it's way worth it.

MellowHeather

Thanks.

Maybe I don't want to quit. In fact I know I don't want to quit. But I have to as it is having an affect on my life - as it always had - but now it's getting beyond control. Stress / panic / this puffy face thing which is new and which is probably as bad to me as is the difficulty breathing from panic.

I'm not going to pour the drink away tonight. Maybe tomorrow. But I do realise I'm coming across with a lot of self pity - and that's reflecting how I feel - so I need to cop myself on.

I have got a lot of good advice here. I'll post back when I pour it all away. Hopefully soon.

Thanks guys

CAPTAINZING2000

Thanks for posting what it's like for you as your drinking is causing discomfort.

I can forget all the bs that drinking adds to my life. I always thought a drink was my problem solver. As it turned out, alcohol was my problem dissolver in marriage with the law and every aspect of my life.

Nothing was as emotionally draining for me to not drink.
After I stopped drinking, I became a workaholic. Might not work for other people but it stopped me from having free time to allow me to drink .
One thing I've learned, the drinking gets worse and life gets crappier the longer I kept drinking.

Dee74

you'll find a lot of good advice here - but none of us can take the drink from out of your hands. You have to do that - and the longer you push back day one the harder it's going to get.

Trust me, I bought that t shirt..

Have you considered posting in other threads to other people?

My advice was good - I just had trouble applying that advice to myself.

Helping others got me out of my own head and stopped me going down the road for more booze.

There's also a Class of November support thread in this forum you might want to look at and maybe join?

Meraviglioso

How are you feeling today Heather?

MellowHeather

Thanks Meraviglioso. Great name - typing it should be a sobriety test.

Today I spent as long as I could in bed. I could hear the phone buzzing - but I knew it was mostly work stuff and I'm on annual leave (holidays) so, for once, I ignored it. I wanted to stay in bed so that I wouldn't drink.

I did drink when I eventually got up. I planned it. Vicious circle as - if I'm working - I'll get up, take a shower, and get muself ready while having that one morning drink.

If I'm not in work, I'll get up, tell myself I can have a drink before the shower, have two drinks, decide to run a bath as I can justify another drink as it it running, have another drink, have a bath, feel tired, drink, pass out, wake up with another wasted day.

Tomorrow - I plan to get up, have a shower and get ready, go out for a walk and look at some shops (I haven't bought clothes in so long - I can afford them these days, but I need so much that it's another overwhelming thing. I always just want to run back and drink). It's kind of ironic - over here I don't have money issues and drink is less expensive (bottle of vodka around €5.60). At home, I remember searching for coins so that I could buy the cheapest bottle of wine for about €6.

There's a woman's group meet at 5pm GMT tomorrow and then a big book at 6.30pm. I've arranged to meet the lady I mentioned before to go to these meetings with.

I've been reading the "Why I should drink today" threads. They're brilliant and a lot that resonates. There's a lot I could add, but I should be off the drink first.

My other plan is go go through those threads with a pen and paper and note the ones that I've experienced - when I'm having a long evening of not drinking.

Thanks once again for everyone's support. I realise this thread is quite long. I'm hoping that this is some whirlwind that will result in me quitting. I haven't tried quitting, or tried to be honest so much before. But I realise it's up to me in the end.

MellowHeather

Thanks Dee

I have posted in a few other threads to see if I could help. It is good - I would love if I could help somebody!

I've been reading the Class of November thread too. I've been reading loads of threads. The support and advice here is.. amazing.. but weird that other people were here too. :/ It's a great relief.

Again - I haven't been replying to a lot of really good posts. But that's just my technological restriction (I don't seem to be able to thank on the mobile site either). I'm reading them all more than once and I'm getting a lot from all of it. Don't think that I don't appreciate any of it!

biminiblue

I'm glad to see you again, MH

I hope you keep reading and keep posting. It has been therapeutic for me, maybe it will help you too.

I say jump in on that November thread. Make right now the start of your quit.

No time like the present. Start breaking those horrible self-destructive habits. Buy some good food, some cheese and crusty bread and fruit.

I am so glad I quit coming up on three years ago. I joined my Class of March thread. Spewed out a bunch of words, never picked up another drink, and here I am still spewing out a bunch of words.

Meraviglioso

Heather, what's your plan for getting through your morning routine with out the drink? If that is such a part of your routine you need to plan in advance for how you are going to get showered, get ready and get out for that walk to the shops without drinking.
The easiest if of course making sure there is no alcohol in the house. If it is not there you can't drink it. But even that is not fool proof. You could run off to a shop really quick, or stop while out on your walk. This is not going to be easy Heather, but it is entirely possible. If 24 hours seems like to long to go with out alcohol you can cut that down to more psychologically manageable periods of time. First get through the shower and morning routing. A nice coffee will be great. Next, get through the walk to the shops. Just say to yourself, I can make it to the shops without drinking. Then block off the shopping time, stay sober for your shopping. Next make it to lunch. Say "I will not drink before lunch today" After lunch go home and take a nap and commit to not drink before dinner. Once dinner arrives, commit to eating a meal without alcohol. Just one meal, 30 minutes without alcohol. Next commit to not drinking until bedtime. And there you have it, off to bed sober.

MellowHeather

Thanks bimimblue.

That's exactly the kind of food I like. I said before that I don't want to quit, and that I'm doing it because I have to. Enjoying food is a reason to quit though.

Well - my plan for tomorrow is to set my alarm for around 9am and get up pretend it's a work day - so straight into the shower. I'd usually have a drink while getting ready after the shower, but I can substitute this with a tea. And I have milk this time - which is helpful..

Then I head out. The weather tomorrow is cloudy but not cold, and no rain. I may walk to one shopping area, and maybe get food somewhere, and then metro it to another shopping area. What I need to avoid is that - "I have to go home and then I can drink without anybody around me" thing. So - exactly as you said Meraviglioso, I'll try and parcel out the day.

At 6.30PM our time, the meetings start, and I can meet up with the lady from before at 5.45.

It's not so much time to fill and - the best days I've had - which I can count on one hand in the last year - are the ones where I make it out and managed to do something like buying a skirt or a top or a jacket.

Or the one where I bungee jumped off the Sky Tower here. That was particularly good - and I've relived it a fair bit.

SwimKim12

Hi Heather. I can relate to where you are. Stuck in the cycle of not wanting to drink but drinking anyway. Drinking never makes things better...then you hate yourself even more afterward for drinking when you promised yourself you weren't going to drink. The self-hate and guilt build and build and you *think* the only way to relieve it is with alcohol, but I can tell you from experience that alcohol will ultimately stop working.

You are in the right place and you are well-intentioned. Keep trying! I hope you are able to make it to the AA meeting. I had isolated in my drinking as well - same as you, went to work, came home and drank in my bedroom by myself at night. No friends. And the alcohol wasn't fun anymore. I went to AA and received so much support. I hope you will take that support! You don't have to live this way anymore. You sound like a very smart young woman whose career will be able to really take off in sobriety. You are worth it, Heather Keep coming back!

All the best,
Kim

cchick

I was there a couple months ago. And I hadn't yet started talking to anyone about it (like this forum). The LAST thing I wanted to do was quit drinking. But, one morning, I woke up and decided I didn't want poor sleep and feeling like crap in my life anymore. I didn't want to die from liver disease. I didn't want my nights disappearing from consciousness. I didn't want the bloated face, the extra weight, the age (I'm almost 47 and you can't hide poisoning yourself so easily in your forties). I didn't want the anxiety surrounding always making sure I had alcohol in the house. And...that was it. I've been mostly sober (had a couple set backs) for four weeks now. Decide. Go one night without it. But make sure that you know the signs of withdrawal so that you can get medical help if you need it. You can do it.

MellowHeather

Ok - so I did it and poured all the alcohol away. I hoped to do this today - and I wanted to lie and say I had done for the last few hours. It's truthfuĺly done now. I smiled pouring it down the sink.

Tomorrow (well it's 01.35 already) is Day 1.

I'm still planning to get up early(ish) at 9am rather than sleeping late tomorrow - as I have to start sticking with my plans.

I have my my clothes all set out so that I can't go - "I can't find a top that works. Well, I better go get drink so that I can figure this out".

Thanks again all of you. I must have read this thread 15 times now!

biminiblue

Great plan, and well done.

It's going to be uncomfortable. Tell that AA lady your plan so she can check in with you or find someone who can who understands alcohol detox/withdrawal.

We'll be here! I'm so happy for you.