New. Determined
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
New. Determined
Hi all. After many years of alcohol abuse at the not so old age of 31 and after said abuse tearing my life apart more often than I care to think about, I am here to quit. If I continue on my current path, it will probably only be a matter of time before I lose everything.
You see, when I' sober I'm a nice person- probably one of the nicest you'll ever meet. When I'm drunk, I'm nice 90% of the time too. However a trend has developed over the years where every so often, I drink too much, black out, and turn into a monster.
My husband has sadly been the victim of this many times. It's resulted in many crazy nights that range from me being arrested, to cheating, to simply being extremely verbally abusive and even pushing him around (I'm small and could never hurt him, but that's NOT the point).
I am not going very far into the results of me drinking, but trust me when I say it's been bad. My husband is a saint for staying with me through all I put him through. We will go a few months where everything will be perfect and then wam out of the blue, I have one of these black out monster episodes and our life goes from perfect to destroyed in a matter of minutes.
It's crazy because I drink every single night after work (about 4 glasses of wine or 4 shots of a vodka drink) and I am fine. I also drink every weekend, sometimes starting as early as 10am. Fine the majority of the time. But when these freak outs come, the best way to describe me is from angel to devil. Even if I don't have another episode for months, I need to stop the alcohol before it happens because quite frankly I'm dangerous. I don't want to end up in jail or divorced.
So that is my main reason for quitting. To preserve my marriage and both mine and my husband's safety. I also have health concerns. I know the amount that I drink is not good for my body. I want to be healthy and keep all of my organs in good working order.
Anyway just this last Sunday night (2 days ago) I had a bad episode and Monday I woke up hysterical in tears begging my husband to forgive me as normal. After that, I did something I've never done before.. I vowed to quit. And I meant it,
I have so much to be thankful for. A beautiful house, the man of my dreams who loves me unconditionally and is so kind and forgiving, a good job, my health (unless I've already done damage), the best 3 chihuahuas any girl could ask for who are the loves of my life and give me endless love. I have it all. I need to kick this demon before I lose it all. Now is my chance and I have to take it because even the most forgiving hearts give up on people eventually.
So yeah, here I am. This is day 2 for me. Yesterday was easy because well, I still felt so bad about how I acted on Sunday that I didn't want anything to do with the booze. I'm sure the further away Sunday gets, the harder this will get to keep up with. I'm determined to make it a permanent change though.
Yesterday was my first day without alcohol in probably at least 1.5 years. I made it, so here's to more.
You see, when I' sober I'm a nice person- probably one of the nicest you'll ever meet. When I'm drunk, I'm nice 90% of the time too. However a trend has developed over the years where every so often, I drink too much, black out, and turn into a monster.
My husband has sadly been the victim of this many times. It's resulted in many crazy nights that range from me being arrested, to cheating, to simply being extremely verbally abusive and even pushing him around (I'm small and could never hurt him, but that's NOT the point).
I am not going very far into the results of me drinking, but trust me when I say it's been bad. My husband is a saint for staying with me through all I put him through. We will go a few months where everything will be perfect and then wam out of the blue, I have one of these black out monster episodes and our life goes from perfect to destroyed in a matter of minutes.
It's crazy because I drink every single night after work (about 4 glasses of wine or 4 shots of a vodka drink) and I am fine. I also drink every weekend, sometimes starting as early as 10am. Fine the majority of the time. But when these freak outs come, the best way to describe me is from angel to devil. Even if I don't have another episode for months, I need to stop the alcohol before it happens because quite frankly I'm dangerous. I don't want to end up in jail or divorced.
So that is my main reason for quitting. To preserve my marriage and both mine and my husband's safety. I also have health concerns. I know the amount that I drink is not good for my body. I want to be healthy and keep all of my organs in good working order.
Anyway just this last Sunday night (2 days ago) I had a bad episode and Monday I woke up hysterical in tears begging my husband to forgive me as normal. After that, I did something I've never done before.. I vowed to quit. And I meant it,
I have so much to be thankful for. A beautiful house, the man of my dreams who loves me unconditionally and is so kind and forgiving, a good job, my health (unless I've already done damage), the best 3 chihuahuas any girl could ask for who are the loves of my life and give me endless love. I have it all. I need to kick this demon before I lose it all. Now is my chance and I have to take it because even the most forgiving hearts give up on people eventually.
So yeah, here I am. This is day 2 for me. Yesterday was easy because well, I still felt so bad about how I acted on Sunday that I didn't want anything to do with the booze. I'm sure the further away Sunday gets, the harder this will get to keep up with. I'm determined to make it a permanent change though.
Yesterday was my first day without alcohol in probably at least 1.5 years. I made it, so here's to more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Manchester England
Posts: 30
Welcome I am new here too and there is support here for us. You made a great first step. I have done the same, drank myself into oblivion and been horrible and agressive with my husband and totally sick with regret afterwards, we can stop, theres a better quality of life if we choose it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome FIONICH85 
Many of us know exactly how you feel.
One of the best things about recovery for me is being back in touch wioth my real self and living an authentic life as that true self.
I love my life, I love who I am and I can look myself in the eye in the mirror again
SR helped me turn my life around. I know we can help you too
D
Many of us know exactly how you feel.
One of the best things about recovery for me is being back in touch wioth my real self and living an authentic life as that true self.
I love my life, I love who I am and I can look myself in the eye in the mirror again
SR helped me turn my life around. I know we can help you too
D
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
Fionich- I can relate to your post and do feel you are quitting at the right time......."while you are ahead".
I too dreaded the mornings and facing my wife, hoping and praying I didn't say or do something crazy. That's no way to live.
So today will be a good day... Drink lots of water, make sure you have snacks to keep energy up. We'll get this going ... 1 day at a time.
Best to you!
MR
I too dreaded the mornings and facing my wife, hoping and praying I didn't say or do something crazy. That's no way to live.
So today will be a good day... Drink lots of water, make sure you have snacks to keep energy up. We'll get this going ... 1 day at a time.
Best to you!
MR
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I love my life, I love who I am and I can look myself in the eye in the mirror again
D
D
I can relate to that Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hide as well. It's a horrible feeling.
I love what Dee said here b/c I've often said after a binge where I was a total psycho that I cannot even bear to look at myself, that's how much I hate myself.
It's a great feeling being able to do this again.
Stay strong and post often
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 116
you took the big step, now minute by minute, step by step. Consider counseling? Some say it helps, pouring my heart out here and journaling every day is keeping me sane. still early in my recovery, but one day, or minute, at a time. The first days can be hard, but once you get through them it gets better a little at a time. sounds like you have a great guy, but understand that he can't fully understand what you are going through. My signifanct other thought he understood but he really didn't have a point of reference. Let him support you but come back here as often as you can, consider other options if you are willing, such as a meeting or Dr.
Positive energies for you.
Positive energies for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: MN
Posts: 7
I can so relate to what you posted. My monster also comes out when I drink. It hasn't so much the last couple of years because my monster was fueled by my anger and powerlessness I felt in my marriage. I really could not stand my husband. I destroyed our wedding pictures. I scared the kids on more than 1 occasion because of my screaming freak outs. My more recent stuff is usually saying nasty stuff to people on Facebook (mostly they deserve it but generally I keep stuff to myself which is really for the best).
Without drinking I am a much better person.
We CAN do this. Lean on each other. And come back every day (because I know that my last drink was because I got cocky and thought I was ok).
Without drinking I am a much better person.
We CAN do this. Lean on each other. And come back every day (because I know that my last drink was because I got cocky and thought I was ok).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
Wow thank you so much for all of the kind and thoughtful replies. They mean the world right now.
I'm mid day two and going strong. The guilt from Sunday night is still stronger than my urge to drink. My eyes well up with tears every time I think about how badly I treated him on Sunday. I also wonder why he puts up with it. The obvious answer is most likely because he loves me. That just makes it worse because I keep hurting someone who loves me so much. Hopefully that is all over now and this is a new beginning.
Almost 48 hours into it now and I feel a bit irritable and exhausted like I just want to run home from work and get straight in bed. I also feel gloomy/ slightly depressed but that could just be guilty. My brain feels a bit foggy too and it's been difficult to concentrate today. But besides that..nothing alarming like racing heart or shaking hands or really anything physical (besides exhaustion). Hopefully this means I didn't damage my body too badly yet. Or maybe there's zero correlation between the withdrawl intensity and the extent of liver damage. Who knows. Surely not me.
Anyway I have about 2 hours left at work and then I'm looking forward to going home to my husband, animals, and bed.
I'm mid day two and going strong. The guilt from Sunday night is still stronger than my urge to drink. My eyes well up with tears every time I think about how badly I treated him on Sunday. I also wonder why he puts up with it. The obvious answer is most likely because he loves me. That just makes it worse because I keep hurting someone who loves me so much. Hopefully that is all over now and this is a new beginning.
Almost 48 hours into it now and I feel a bit irritable and exhausted like I just want to run home from work and get straight in bed. I also feel gloomy/ slightly depressed but that could just be guilty. My brain feels a bit foggy too and it's been difficult to concentrate today. But besides that..nothing alarming like racing heart or shaking hands or really anything physical (besides exhaustion). Hopefully this means I didn't damage my body too badly yet. Or maybe there's zero correlation between the withdrawl intensity and the extent of liver damage. Who knows. Surely not me.
Anyway I have about 2 hours left at work and then I'm looking forward to going home to my husband, animals, and bed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
Hi again everyone.
Today is day 4 for me. This is longer than I have gone without alcohol in almost 2 years. I just woke up and I have to say- one of the best feelings in all of this is when waking up and immedietly knowing that I have nothing to worry about from the night before. It's like waking up with a clear conscience every day. Also I search for a hint of a hangover in how my body is feeling as soon as my feet hit the floor and every time then I remember it's been days since I drank, so nothing to worry about! It's such a nice feeling.
I have also been sleeping so much better. When I was drinking every day my sleep was broken. I'd wake up a million times per night, toss and turn, switch beds, etc. Not anymore! I thought I was just a poor sleeper, but apparently it was the booze.
Monday and Tuesday were honestly pretty easy. Yesterday was less easy, but still not hard. Monday and Tuesday I had no desire (which is amazing for me. I guess I've just really made up my mind). Yesterday I wanted a drink, but I stood firm with myself and even though the want was there, at no point did I feel worried like I was actually going to do it (if that makes any sense).
Yesterday I really wanted something else to drink because for some reason I felt like it would help, but all I had at home was water. Today I'm going to stop at the store and maybe buy some juice or diet soda (I know diet soda is terrible for you, but anything that keeps me off wine right now is good for me that's how I look at it). I have a cabinet of tea, but no sweetner. Plus I usually like cold drinks with dinner. I can buy some sweetner for the tea and make that a before bedtime thing.
Anyway, so yeah. I am hanging in there. Day 4! I feel pretty strong. I think I will probably be okay today as well. Friday will be a challenge as will the weekend. Even though I was drinking in excess every day of the week, Fri-Sunday I was drinking a just INSANE amount. I was starting sometimes as early as 10am on Sat and Sunday because I had no work, so why not. I never crossed the line of drinking at work by the way. But I really was at the point where if I was NOT at work, I was drinking. Fridays are my favorite day of the week because I loved more than anything to pick up sushi, plant my butt on the couch, and drink an entire bottle of wine. It was so relaxing and I looked forward to that all week. Something about not having to wake up early the next day just makes Fridays special. I don't know.
So this is good. I will get through today and then take Friday 1 hour at a time after work. Yesterday when I started having cravings to feel more "relaxed" with some wine and to have that tuned out feeling, I just kept reminding myself that those days are over. That's not going to be happening anymore and I told myself that I need to get used to the idea of finding other ways to relax, be it sleep, yoga, meditation, etc. And that I need to find other drinks to enjoy. I wish I could get more into tea.
So that's it, just checking in. Hope it's okay that I keep giving updates on this threat. If I'm supposed to open a new thread every time, feel free to tell me and I'll do that. OH and I've lost 4 lbs since Sunday! Amazing. I went from 131 to 128. I'm only 5'3, so it would be nice if the weight keeps falling off now that I'm not consuming an extra at least 1k calories per day. I would love to be 115lbs!
Have a good day everyone and thank you so much for all of the support in the above comments!!
Today is day 4 for me. This is longer than I have gone without alcohol in almost 2 years. I just woke up and I have to say- one of the best feelings in all of this is when waking up and immedietly knowing that I have nothing to worry about from the night before. It's like waking up with a clear conscience every day. Also I search for a hint of a hangover in how my body is feeling as soon as my feet hit the floor and every time then I remember it's been days since I drank, so nothing to worry about! It's such a nice feeling.
I have also been sleeping so much better. When I was drinking every day my sleep was broken. I'd wake up a million times per night, toss and turn, switch beds, etc. Not anymore! I thought I was just a poor sleeper, but apparently it was the booze.
Monday and Tuesday were honestly pretty easy. Yesterday was less easy, but still not hard. Monday and Tuesday I had no desire (which is amazing for me. I guess I've just really made up my mind). Yesterday I wanted a drink, but I stood firm with myself and even though the want was there, at no point did I feel worried like I was actually going to do it (if that makes any sense).
Yesterday I really wanted something else to drink because for some reason I felt like it would help, but all I had at home was water. Today I'm going to stop at the store and maybe buy some juice or diet soda (I know diet soda is terrible for you, but anything that keeps me off wine right now is good for me that's how I look at it). I have a cabinet of tea, but no sweetner. Plus I usually like cold drinks with dinner. I can buy some sweetner for the tea and make that a before bedtime thing.
Anyway, so yeah. I am hanging in there. Day 4! I feel pretty strong. I think I will probably be okay today as well. Friday will be a challenge as will the weekend. Even though I was drinking in excess every day of the week, Fri-Sunday I was drinking a just INSANE amount. I was starting sometimes as early as 10am on Sat and Sunday because I had no work, so why not. I never crossed the line of drinking at work by the way. But I really was at the point where if I was NOT at work, I was drinking. Fridays are my favorite day of the week because I loved more than anything to pick up sushi, plant my butt on the couch, and drink an entire bottle of wine. It was so relaxing and I looked forward to that all week. Something about not having to wake up early the next day just makes Fridays special. I don't know.
So this is good. I will get through today and then take Friday 1 hour at a time after work. Yesterday when I started having cravings to feel more "relaxed" with some wine and to have that tuned out feeling, I just kept reminding myself that those days are over. That's not going to be happening anymore and I told myself that I need to get used to the idea of finding other ways to relax, be it sleep, yoga, meditation, etc. And that I need to find other drinks to enjoy. I wish I could get more into tea.
So that's it, just checking in. Hope it's okay that I keep giving updates on this threat. If I'm supposed to open a new thread every time, feel free to tell me and I'll do that. OH and I've lost 4 lbs since Sunday! Amazing. I went from 131 to 128. I'm only 5'3, so it would be nice if the weight keeps falling off now that I'm not consuming an extra at least 1k calories per day. I would love to be 115lbs!
Have a good day everyone and thank you so much for all of the support in the above comments!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi and well done on day 4. You were right in the beginning when you said that the further you got away from your last drink, the More the pain and shame fade. It's great that you're thinking ahead about Friday and alternate plans than the drinking. I started going to a beginner's AA meeting that is more social but it can be anything. maybe you and your husband can order in and watch movies. Go for a walk with the dogs. Go to an arcade and play video games or go out for coffee and dessert. Endless possibilities.
Keep up the good work. Sounds like you're already reaping the benefits. I drank every day too but now that I don't drink at all I feel so much better. Keep on!
Keep up the good work. Sounds like you're already reaping the benefits. I drank every day too but now that I don't drink at all I feel so much better. Keep on!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
Good morning wonderful people!
Today is day 6. I don't know how I've done it, but I've done it! It's just been one day at a time. I am in such strange territory right now and part of me is worried and part of me is excited. I love waking up every morning, that much I know for sure.
Yesterday was Friday, one of my favorite days for drinking wine. I drank Diet Seven Up instead and I lived to tell the tale. Today would normally be a day where my husband and I would go out to lunch at Chilis around 1pm and I'd get hammered on their 2for1 drinks and play Trivia, but not today.
You know what's funny, earlier in the week on like Monday/Tuesday I was bargaining with myself like "Ok, if you just make it through Thursday, then maybe we can find a way for you to just have 1 or 2 drinks on Friday" Well the closer Friday got, the stronger and more resolved in my decision I became. I instead started bargaining with myself about Saturday when we go out to lunch telling myself that I lasted all week, so I think I can treat myself to a celebratory drink at lunch on Saturday. But today is Saturday and I have again decided that it won't be neccesary. I can handle going out to lunch and ordering diet coke. I will live.
I find it that taking things one day at a time is working for me right now. There are certain things and situations that I really sweat without alcohol. Thanksgiving is one of them. This will actually be my first year in my life where I am hosting it at my house (doing all the cooking, etc). I'm excited about it and truly looking forward to it, however I can't picture what that looks like without wine involved. I am still not sure whether I will in fact indulge in 1 or 2 glasses on the holiday. My quitting was my decision, my husband did not force it, so it would be easy for me to say, "I've been drinking nearly nothing for a while now, I'm going to have a few glasses of wine on Thanksgiving to relax" and he would be okay with that. Right now I feel like it's a possibility, but that may change once the day gets closer. The longer I go, the more firm in my decision I become. The guilt from how I acted last Sunday is also still fresh in my mind. That is probably the most motivating factor right now to stay away from the booze.
Regardless, for today I am sober. I will remain sober when my husband and I go out to lunch today. One day at a time. We also have something called an "Escape Room" planned for today before lunch. It's a cool interactive puzzle where you're locked in a room and you have to find your way out by solving puzzles and riddles. It will be interesting to experience a weekend day completely sober. I've been drinking starting at 10 am on the weekends for almost 2 years now.
Happy Saturday everyone
Today is day 6. I don't know how I've done it, but I've done it! It's just been one day at a time. I am in such strange territory right now and part of me is worried and part of me is excited. I love waking up every morning, that much I know for sure.
Yesterday was Friday, one of my favorite days for drinking wine. I drank Diet Seven Up instead and I lived to tell the tale. Today would normally be a day where my husband and I would go out to lunch at Chilis around 1pm and I'd get hammered on their 2for1 drinks and play Trivia, but not today.
You know what's funny, earlier in the week on like Monday/Tuesday I was bargaining with myself like "Ok, if you just make it through Thursday, then maybe we can find a way for you to just have 1 or 2 drinks on Friday" Well the closer Friday got, the stronger and more resolved in my decision I became. I instead started bargaining with myself about Saturday when we go out to lunch telling myself that I lasted all week, so I think I can treat myself to a celebratory drink at lunch on Saturday. But today is Saturday and I have again decided that it won't be neccesary. I can handle going out to lunch and ordering diet coke. I will live.
I find it that taking things one day at a time is working for me right now. There are certain things and situations that I really sweat without alcohol. Thanksgiving is one of them. This will actually be my first year in my life where I am hosting it at my house (doing all the cooking, etc). I'm excited about it and truly looking forward to it, however I can't picture what that looks like without wine involved. I am still not sure whether I will in fact indulge in 1 or 2 glasses on the holiday. My quitting was my decision, my husband did not force it, so it would be easy for me to say, "I've been drinking nearly nothing for a while now, I'm going to have a few glasses of wine on Thanksgiving to relax" and he would be okay with that. Right now I feel like it's a possibility, but that may change once the day gets closer. The longer I go, the more firm in my decision I become. The guilt from how I acted last Sunday is also still fresh in my mind. That is probably the most motivating factor right now to stay away from the booze.
Regardless, for today I am sober. I will remain sober when my husband and I go out to lunch today. One day at a time. We also have something called an "Escape Room" planned for today before lunch. It's a cool interactive puzzle where you're locked in a room and you have to find your way out by solving puzzles and riddles. It will be interesting to experience a weekend day completely sober. I've been drinking starting at 10 am on the weekends for almost 2 years now.
Happy Saturday everyone
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