Smilax

I have struggled with alcohol for many years now off and on. At first I would drink WAY too much at family gatherings when we had them but not otherwise. Then over the years it slowly evolved into more and more frequent drinking. It reached a peek a few months back when I was drinking a bottle of wine and 2 to 4 beers every night. I realized I needed to stop but didn't do anything about it. At some point though I decided enough was enough and I quit and was totally sober for 8+ weeks. I posted on here as some may remember.

Aside from alcohol I have abused weed and over the counter sleeping pills at different times. Chemically Diphenhydramine or Dimenhydrinate, basically the same thing. When I used the pills I would do somewhere between 4 and 6 50mg pills to get a high. To be honest I really miss weed as of all the substances I have done it was the most positive and safe. In fact it helped me to open up socially a lot which is a life long struggle. However over time I got more and more paranoid on weed and eventually had some panic attacks followed by months of bad generalized anxiety. I really wish I could go back to that.

Sadly after 8 weeks of sobriety I have slipped up and am now back to daily drinking. Only now I'm doing something even more stupid which is mixing the over the counter sleeping pills with alcohol. In the last week+ EVERY night I have had 2 to 4 sleeping pills AND a bottle of red wine. I factually realize this is stupid and I'm playing Russian roulette. And yet the majority of me doesn't seem to give a ****. The very small portion that cares is writing this (I'm sadly high as I write this).

I don't like to think of myself as an alcoholic but at this point I think I have to concede I'm just a downright drug addict, The really sad thing is that the majority of me doesn't even want to stop (despite the fact that I'm writing this.

I really need to visit the local government run addiction clinic that I said I would many months ago. Get some help. This last week I've just been in an autopilot haze from one waking groggy day to the evening of that day when I can numb myself again. Sadly I'm good enough at my job and it's simple enough that it hasn't affected things too much. My parents would be devastated if something happened to me. They would be horrified if I told them the truth, although they know I have struggled with substance abuse. I have contemplated telling them, I have no one else. And yet I don't seem to give enough of a:-(

Still choosing to numb myself.

Suzieq17

I don't know you, but I care about you.

A lot of what you are saying is how I have felt.

You have to give a , because you're totally worth it.

Stay close to SR. I'm sure others will have good advice. We are all here for you.

thomas11

I hope you can reach out and get some help. Going through life numb is not "life" at all. Before you know it, your parents will be gone and you'll wonder where all those years went. I wish you the best.

Dee74

Hi Smilax

like I said in your other thread - if you really feel you can't get yourself out of this mess on your own, it's time to call in outside help.

The longer you delay, the harder it's gonna get.
D