Suzieq17

I didn't follow the steps. I rushed into thinking it was a quick fix. I thought I had this thing beat. I was so very wrong. It doesn't work that way.

I am so sick of me. Sick of the drinking, the drowning, the wallowing, the running, the anger, the lack of patience, the stubbornness, the crazy thoughts, the depression, the isolation--the me me me of it all.

I need to get over me and get a life. And there lies the problem. I've been drinking so long, it's my everything. Me and my booze.

Sitting here tonight, listening to some tunes, burning some sage and taking some time to think clearly and evaluate honestly--without my booze.

I'm finding I don't like myself much...

finaltime

I know this feeling way to well. can you get to a meeting? I find a meeting is always the best place for me to go...

lenny57

you can get through this... I don't have any words of wisdom other than find your support.. could be a meeting, could be a phone call to a sober friend, could be here. but there is support waiting!

doggonecarl

If you have been drinking, I can understand not liking who you've been.

Recover from the alcohol, gain the life you are meant to live, I promise you'll like the person you can become.

Delizadee

I did this too, Suzie. I thought it would be an easy fix and I relapsed too.

First I think you should stop beating yourself up over it.
Start giving yourself some love.
Get out or start up your recovery plan.
Then take action.
Do whatever it takes.
Detox, inpatient or outpatient rehab, more AA meetings, a new sponsor, addictions counselor or other therapy.
You can do this! Believe in yourself.
Don't forget we have to put as much if not more effort into our sobriety and recovery as we did our addiction. We very decidedly need to change our thoughts and actions, to change our habits.
You deserve happiness as much as the next person. Maybe give yourself some time working on you before you make absolute judgments about yourself?
We all have the capacity to change. You can too, into a person you love.
Hang in there...

Anna

Suzie, I was there, just as you are. At the end, all that mattered was alcohol and I hated myself. We do understand and please know that you can get through this. You can make a choice to stop drinking today and to change your life. Can you make a plan to recover or add something to the plan you have?

Suzieq17

Right now, on day 2, my only plan is to not drink.

Last time, I was afraid to go to a meeting. Scared to run into someone I knew and scared to be out in the open and admitting I have a problem....I think I need to go to the meetings this time. I can't do this alone...

Dee74

I think AA is a great idea if you're open to that. Don't delay tho - act now
beating yourself up is a criminal waste of energy

There are some good suggestions to help you make your recovery plan here too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D
D

entropy1964

Hey Susie
Day 2 is a great start. Those first few days are really rough.

Did you try to do the steps yourself? Nope it doesn't work that way . And the big taddah of doing them with a sponsor is then being able to help another alcoholic....to keep it we have to give it away. I have faith in the promises. If they have worked for others they will work for me...

So what if ya see someone you know. They are there so uh, they're in the same boat. I heard a guy in a meeting say the ISM in alcoholism means I sponsor myself! I liked that one. Anyway, I know for sure I don't know how to recover alone. AA is helping me a lot....both the program and the fellowship. Hang in there.

keeppushing

This. Exactly this.

You CAN do it.

PhoenixJ

Suzie- isolation and the selfie of shame are crap. Sharing here is a good way to connect. I cannot do anything like the work needed by myself. I grab any and all support/help offered. It does work.

flguy1

First step is always the hardest and you took it! Congrats!

Focus on how good you will feel after a week or 10 days....that is what got me to day 15 today....and believe me - I drank every day for YEARS.

15 days is nothing but I have some new self respect and I want you to have that too!

tomsteve

that's all understandable. buuuuuut, it reads like ya kept going back last time.
hows about getting some courage and getting there?
control the fear or let it control you.

fini

You say you need to get a life...thing is, Suzie, you have a life you don't need to get one. You have one already, and this is it.
Isn't that the scary crappy thing??

When I finally knew and accepted deep down that this, this very place I was at, was indeed me and my life, I could have a turnaround.

You can, too.

It's fine to be afraid of the things you are afraid of doing. And then you can go and do them anyway. No other way to do them other than doing them. You will find all kinds of things can happen, and you will survive.
You can be okay. The only way to find that is so is to do it.

I was terrified to go to a meeting, and had planned to go to only ONE, as somewhere inside I knew that it was paramount that I make myself admit this in a more public way just at least once.

So I went.

What I hadn't counted on, what had never occurred to me, was the feeling of utter relief I experienced from being among others 'like me', the isolation that lessened.
I couldn't wait for my next one.

Awesome going on day two!