samsepiol

This is day one for me. I feel pretty awful but also hopeful and relieved that this nightmare is over at last, if I want it to be. Remembering that I have had a long period of being sober in the past is helpful for me, I want to get back to that sense of peace and happiness that I had, without drinking or using. If I can get and stay sober once then I can do it again. I'm going to focus on that. But maybe I under estimate what it takes. Big change is needed. When I started again I didn't pretend I could handle it, I knew full well that I couldn't. I think I wanted to punish myself in some way. Things went down hill fast and here I am again, right back at the bottom. I want to forgive myself and get better. I fear that the more times you fail the harder it gets, because I gave in time and time again, my brain has become wired to give up. But I know these are just negative thoughts brought about by the trap, I need to replace with positive ones. I'm going to focus on self-forgiveness and not getting drunk or high today.

Dee74

welcome samsepio

this place helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too

Read around and post as much as you like.
D

bronzie

The anxiety feels terrible, I am always worried about my health, wondering the damage to my body, especially my liver. I can't believe I use to drink like this (binge) for so many years almost every day. I never want to live like that again!
Just commit to another 24 hours, we will not drink today!

CuppaRosieLee

I'm with you Bronzie, let's make this a good day. Stay sober and the anxiety will pass, as all feelings do. We can do this just for today

FreeOwl

Why do you think you went back to drinking?

An honest reflection on that question can often yield insights to where we need to shore up our sobriety.

Yogini1603

I'm with FreeOwl, why do you think you drank again? In my experience it's painful to really dig deep and figure it out but it can help to identify what needs to change.

I've had to change so, so much. From small things like eating sweets on the way home to avoid the temptation of the 7 off licenses I walk past (7 in one small road?! Completely unnecessary haha), to going to meetings every other day whether I feel like it or not, to selling my whole gaming computer setup because as much as I think I love it, I just liked the comfort of getting drunk and gaming for hours mindlessly.

Change is hard, but doing things differently can help keep us sober :-)

samsepiol

I started in the middle of an exam period, after feeling stressed and that I was a failure, ironically I ended up getting top marks but at the time I was beating myself up about what I couldn't do. I had difficulties with someone at work and generally making me feel small and useless. I also did something bad a few months ago that I feel really guilty about. The usual loneliness and social anxiety, trying to find a job and dealing with rejection letters, struggling with money .... none of these things were resolved in any way by drink or drugs, it just makes everything worse. I wasn't thinking logically at the time. I hope that posting here helps me to see that.

Yogini1603

I can relate. I'm sober and dealing with money problems and job hunting at the moment, it sucks but now I'm not using I'm actually on the ball and far more proactive than I was, PLUS I'm not spending my last pennies on booze and getting myself into a deeper financial hole. It's hard at times, of course it is, especially since it's easy to disappear into the bottle, but getting sober can be the first step to getting life back on track. You did well in your exams, you are here and wanting to stay sober - this is all positive stuff and it's only going to get better :-)

bronzie

Still sober and feeling better. Allowing myself to rest today, read and work on my recovery plan. I hope you have a great day without alcohol! And many more days.

samsepiol

I slipped up again last night and had a drink. Not to excess. No excuses I know, but this was an unusual situation in that I went to visit my mum after telling her that I got a distinction in my masters degree, she had a few friends around. She'd already bought me a bottle of beer to celebrate. I refused it but she gave me a funny look. Was I supposed to say "by the way i'm also an alcoholic and drug addict" in front of all her friends?
How am I going to handle this with family in the future? Well, last time I had a long stretch of sober time I just told them I was going to the gym a lot and so not drinking at the moment, which worked fine, they quickly got used to me not drinking and stopped offering me drinks. I am actually joining a gym on Monday and looking forward to that. I will be sure to mention it to them.
I'm not going to dwell on it too much. I think the temptation will be increased today but I will resist the urge. I'd had a really good day 2, already beginning to feel a lot calmer and to see a better life without drinking or using. I'm not going to drink or use today.

entropy1964

I'm glad you're recommitting.

I guess ya just should have said no thank you. My family knows I'm an alcoholic so that makes it very easy. I don't worry if they are judging me. They judge me far more when I'm drunk!

FLCamper

There are two things that come to mind: tell your mom before there is a next time. Basically: plan ahead for these situations.

Second, change your habits and find new routines. You said "big change is needed". Quitting substance abuse is often followed by repairing and rebuilding one's mental health and studying emotional "baggage". But, that happens after you've sobered up. For now, try going to the library after work or going for a walk to change up your routine. Just don't drink.
Keep posting and ready SR that will help you.

samsepiol

Yeah, I've mentioned today that I've started going to gym, watching my diet and cutting out drinking, my family respect that so there won't be a next time. You're right it is best to have a plan, I hadn't really considered that aspect of things, as most of my drinking was done alone.
I know it is a slippery slope and I don't want to go back to where I was at. From another perspective it cemented the need to stay sober in my mind. Earlier that day I felt so much calmer even though it was only day 2, I'd slept much better and was feeling hopeful. Just one drink and I could feel all of that progress slipping away and I hated it. I got nothing out of it in return. So yeah, I regret it but I think it has made me more determined.

Dee74

You may get a few of those from time to time. Are funny looks worth destroying your future tho?

No..but a 'no thanks' or 'I'll have a Coke/juice/coffee/tea instead' works great

I definitely think a plan can help us in those ambush moments. Be prepared

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Fortress

Just LIE and say your stomach hurts....ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN DRINKING....I'm sure you lied to her plenty of times about drinking, you can do it now....for a good cause. WHATEVER IT TAKES, MAN!

samsepiol

Yeah that's a good idea. Lots of options I didn't think of at the time.

I'm putting it behind me now. Back on day 2 and feeling good and determined,

waywardson8260

samsepiol- as long as you keep learning from previous attempts you can get and stay sober!!!

FreeOwl

Big change comes out of consistent focus on small daily change.

It's less daunting than it feels.

Just choose sobriety, and then act in small daily ways to support and honor that choice.

Before you know it, you will be surrounded by Big Change that happened gradually as you made small daily choices and changesture.

You can do it.