Funeral/Suicide
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Funeral/Suicide
My dear friend only 46 years old had severe depression and mental disorders. She was a famed Carolina Roller Girl (Derby). She was beautiful, popular, fun and badass all the way around. Well I guess she pushed everyone out here the last few months and kept her self locked up in her basement apartment in her fathers home. She had beautiful long red locks and recently cut it all off herself while she was drunk. I hadn't talked to her in years. But it doesn't matter I love her. I went to her funeral today. It was there it was confirmed she took her own life. She self-medicated with booze and other drugs. She had been planning it and saying her goodbyes.... and no one even realized this. Now it is all clear. Anyway, the services were meaningful and the wake was to be held at Hibernian, and I wanted to go so bad and have a drink in her honor with all of our friends... It took every ounce of control I have in me, not to go and participate. I'm feeling sad and disturbed and still feel like getting together with those friends soon and drinking. I played the tape forward. I would probably still be out partying even though the wake was at 2:30pm. It's almost 10pm here now and I have another friend who was at the funeral who invited me to go see her band play in our friends honor. So I would have drank from 2:30pm till who knows. Most people were home by 5pm. I wouldn't have been. In these sensitive heartbreaking situations it is so very challenging to not participate. I hope I can have the strength to stay the course. These were very important people to me a few years back and now we have all re-connected. It will be challenging. I'm trying to prepare.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
Originally Posted by sunshine72 
My dear friend only 46 years old had severe depression and mental disorders. She was a famed Carolina Roller Girl (Derby). She was beautiful, popular, fun and badass all the way around. Well I guess she pushed everyone out here the last few months and kept her self locked up in her basement apartment in her fathers home. She had beautiful long red locks and recently cut it all off herself while she was drunk. I hadn't talked to her in years. But it doesn't matter I love her. I went to her funeral today. It was there it was confirmed she took her own life. She self-medicated with booze and other drugs. She had been planning it and saying her goodbyes.... and no one even realized this. Now it is all clear. Anyway, the services were meaningful and the wake was to be held at Hibernian, and I wanted to go so bad and have a drink in her honor with all of our friends... It took every ounce of control I have in me, not to go and participate. I'm feeling sad and disturbed and still feel like getting together with those friends soon and drinking. I played the tape forward. I would probably still be out partying even though the wake was at 2:30pm. It's almost 10pm here now and I have another friend who was at the funeral who invited me to go see her band play in our friends honor. So I would have drank from 2:30pm till who knows. Most people were home by 5pm. I wouldn't have been. In these sensitive heartbreaking situations it is so very challenging to not participate. I hope I can have the strength to stay the course. These were very important people to me a few years back and now we have all re-connected. It will be challenging. I'm trying to prepare.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi sunshine
I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems to me you are honoring her in a far more fitting way by being sober. I'm guessing her addictions added to her deep depression and decision to kill herself. Getting loaded and partying all night after her wake doesn't seem right, ya know?
Good for you for staying sober. Maybe these olds friends are best left in the past.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems to me you are honoring her in a far more fitting way by being sober. I'm guessing her addictions added to her deep depression and decision to kill herself. Getting loaded and partying all night after her wake doesn't seem right, ya know?
Good for you for staying sober. Maybe these olds friends are best left in the past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
I should keep distance yes, they are a fun group lots of parties indeed. I can't say it wasn't the funnest years of my life. But my drinking was progressive and it got worse with time and no one even wanted me around anymore because I was too obnoxious. So it felt good that I felt accepted again. But that in and of itself isnt' good is it?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Fleeing Temptation in PTZ
Posts: 168
"Derby" lost died.
You can finish for her.
Being assertive in your sobriety.
Don't let anyone pour poison booze in you!
And SHOW THEM how your finishing strong,
healthy and happy.
.
.
You can finish for her.
Being assertive in your sobriety.
Don't let anyone pour poison booze in you!
And SHOW THEM how your finishing strong,
healthy and happy.
.
.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sorry for your loss.
This booze thing is nothing to toy w.
Most of us are at the edge. This place is our life line.
I am holding on for deal life.
Thanks for the reminder of what can happen to any of us.
Prayers.
This booze thing is nothing to toy w.
Most of us are at the edge. This place is our life line.
I am holding on for deal life.
Thanks for the reminder of what can happen to any of us.
Prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You say '*She was beautiful, popular, fun and badass all the way around.'
You know, Clancy once said that the one reason for death you don't tend to see in low-bottom drunk is suicide, because the conflict between their outsides and insides has gone. They are no longer fighting to maintain that gloss. I was what some would refer to as a high-bottom drunk. I fought hard to project and maintain that outside facade of fun and badass. The 'devil may care' attitude. I even had myself fooled. I was never any good at roller derby (it was only just taking off when I used to go), but I loved the whole image and scene at the time. Today, reading you post it made me remember and reflect. And as I look back I recall that there were a lot of very damaged people on that scene. More stripy and scarred arms than in your average group of people for a start off. Lots of drug and alcohol issues. And lots of girls with issues around food, either overeating for comfort, or anorexia and bulimia .
I live happy today, without my old facade. Some may have been disappointed that I stopped spending so much time on my image and clothes (I've been told as much), but I know that I don't owe it to anyone to play that popular, fun and badass game any more. I'll stick to focussing on my insides, even if it makes me a bit less glossy and attractive. And yiu know, it was never ' all the way around' anyway. I was like a Christmas tree in the corner. All the decorations were on the branches that showed. There was a lots of vulnerable and naked branches that I kept hidden.*
I'll be praying for my old friends - that if any of them need help they will find what they need. I'll also be praying for your friend and the people who loved her, and who would no doubt have continued to accept and love her if she'd shown her more vulnerable side and her pain. And I'll pray for you as well: That you remember the reasons for getting sober, and don't listen to your AV when it suggests that getting drunk to commemorate an alcoholic taking their own life. Our AVs really can make the most bizarre of notions sound like complete sense can't they.
Wishing you peace and serenity in your journey to recovery. BB x
You know, Clancy once said that the one reason for death you don't tend to see in low-bottom drunk is suicide, because the conflict between their outsides and insides has gone. They are no longer fighting to maintain that gloss. I was what some would refer to as a high-bottom drunk. I fought hard to project and maintain that outside facade of fun and badass. The 'devil may care' attitude. I even had myself fooled. I was never any good at roller derby (it was only just taking off when I used to go), but I loved the whole image and scene at the time. Today, reading you post it made me remember and reflect. And as I look back I recall that there were a lot of very damaged people on that scene. More stripy and scarred arms than in your average group of people for a start off. Lots of drug and alcohol issues. And lots of girls with issues around food, either overeating for comfort, or anorexia and bulimia .
I live happy today, without my old facade. Some may have been disappointed that I stopped spending so much time on my image and clothes (I've been told as much), but I know that I don't owe it to anyone to play that popular, fun and badass game any more. I'll stick to focussing on my insides, even if it makes me a bit less glossy and attractive. And yiu know, it was never ' all the way around' anyway. I was like a Christmas tree in the corner. All the decorations were on the branches that showed. There was a lots of vulnerable and naked branches that I kept hidden.*
I'll be praying for my old friends - that if any of them need help they will find what they need. I'll also be praying for your friend and the people who loved her, and who would no doubt have continued to accept and love her if she'd shown her more vulnerable side and her pain. And I'll pray for you as well: That you remember the reasons for getting sober, and don't listen to your AV when it suggests that getting drunk to commemorate an alcoholic taking their own life. Our AVs really can make the most bizarre of notions sound like complete sense can't they.
Wishing you peace and serenity in your journey to recovery. BB x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by sunshine72
My dear friend only 46 years old had severe depression and mental disorders. She was a famed Carolina Roller Girl (Derby). She was beautiful, popular, fun and badass all the way around. Well I guess she pushed everyone out here the last few months and kept her self locked up in her basement apartment in her fathers home. She had beautiful long red locks and recently cut it all off herself while she was drunk. I hadn't talked to her in years. But it doesn't matter I love her. I went to her funeral today. It was there it was confirmed she took her own life. She self-medicated with booze and other drugs. She had been planning it and saying her goodbyes.... and no one even realized this. Now it is all clear. Anyway, the services were meaningful and the wake was to be held at Hibernian, and I wanted to go so bad and have a drink in her honor with all of our friends... It took every ounce of control I have in me, not to go and participate. I'm feeling sad and disturbed and still feel like getting together with those friends soon and drinking. I played the tape forward. I would probably still be out partying even though the wake was at 2:30pm. It's almost 10pm here now and I have another friend who was at the funeral who invited me to go see her band play in our friends honor. So I would have drank from 2:30pm till who knows. Most people were home by 5pm. I wouldn't have been. In these sensitive heartbreaking situations it is so very challenging to not participate. I hope I can have the strength to stay the course. These were very important people to me a few years back and now we have all re-connected. It will be challenging. I'm trying to prepare.
I'm sorry for your loss. That is tragic. I think I read about your friend, I'm familiar with the derby community.
I wish you comfort in your grieving..... and I wish you strength in your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello:
I'm sorry for your loss too and agree with others that think that "drinking in her honor" is a RIDICULOUS thought that has AV all over it.
Do you see how we mean this? Would she want you to drink in her honor knowing that drinking pushed her to the edge?
I don't think so.
Don't let these "friends" take you down with them. You said you had lost touch with them... well, that was for a reason.
Be your best advocate and fight for yourself. "Drinking in her honor" in my opinion is disrespectful to her passing.
Stay strong and use this situation as fuel for your sobriety.
You can do this!!!
I'm sorry for your loss too and agree with others that think that "drinking in her honor" is a RIDICULOUS thought that has AV all over it.
Do you see how we mean this? Would she want you to drink in her honor knowing that drinking pushed her to the edge?
I don't think so.
Don't let these "friends" take you down with them. You said you had lost touch with them... well, that was for a reason.
Be your best advocate and fight for yourself. "Drinking in her honor" in my opinion is disrespectful to her passing.
Stay strong and use this situation as fuel for your sobriety.
You can do this!!!
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,828
Sorry for your loss. It's hard for me to imagine now, but I was in a very similar spot at one time. Thankfully I didn't go through with it, but I know what it's like to feel the desperation. Alcoholism does kill, in more ways than one.
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