What to do?
 

As some of you may know, I decided against going to my best friend's 40th birthday dinner on the weekend due to the high cost, and more importantly, due to the temptation of drinking. Admittedly, I canceled only an hour or so before I was due to meet up. But I haven't heard from him at all since I told him why I wouldn't be attending.
I know he's angry about me not going. I understand he has every right to be angry. That's fine. But now I'm starting to feel angry because he has not responded at all. And I feel like a good friend could say that yes, they're angry and disappointed, but they understand.
Am I expecting too much? And how do I deal with this? Is he actually not really a goid friend? Or have I just ****** up one too many times and have ruined the friendship?

Sounds to me like you are way over-thinking things, which is common for most of us. It's just as likely that he's busy and hasn't gotten back to you yet.

You deal with it by just going on with your day and doing what you need to do to stay sober and do what is best for you. You made a decision that was most likely the best for you by not attending the party, and that's a perfectly acceptable solution. Perhaps at some point you can have a conversation about why you didn't come - a true friend will certainly understand.

But bottom line, don't sweat it - you cannnot control what other people think and you'll drive yourself nuts trying ;-)

Hi Nonever, I had a similar situation recently and didn't go on a works night out or a college reunion, many friends were peeved off with me but I could not take the risk of drinking and happy now I didn't. You really have to put yourself first, especially in early recovery. This is a serious situation we are all in and life threatening. I am 52 days clean now and still in recovery mode with PAWS, do some research on "kindling" and "post alcohol withdrawal syndrome" here on SR or GOOGLE it. Best of luck and remember your health comes first and is your wealth.

Hey, you have to put your sobriety first so it sounds like you did the right thing to avoid temptation. We cannot please everyone all of the time. I am sure your friend will understand. Chin up and keep going x

I'm a huge people pleaser myself and find it so difficult to put myself first in situations like this without feeling guilt.

When I notice that I overthink and worry too much, I try to think of the best possible reason why things are like they are and stick to this until I find out. Cause then I don't have to worry for now and often things are not as bad as they seem and then everything's fine. If it turns out that the real reason was worse than what I expected, I'll still have enough time to worry, later.

So in your case it could be that your friend was a bit surprised by your confession and needs some time to process it first. Maybe he wants to talk about it to you but wants to think about it / inform about it first.
Or maybe he just has no clue how to handle it and it makes him uncomfortable and therefore the silence. That wouldn't make him a very good friend or very mature but it's understandable. And it's still no bad intentions.

It's good that you decided to keep your recovery front and center, noneever. At day's end, that is all that matters. Peace.

You put your sobriety first, which is important, and you should be proud that you did this.

Have you reached out to him to ask him how his birthday was? If not, give him a call to just check in.

Maybe you can meet him for lunch when you have time/money.

Time....

And working on your sobriety.

Friendships get tested and difficult decisions like the one you made can have impacts that take time to work through. If he is your friend, chances are he's not NOT your friend because you made this difficult choice.

Let it sit for a while. If you were honest about why you made the call you did, then he knows what's going on for you whether he understands it or not. At some point, maybe a follow up - in person or via a call or letter - would help. Maybe invite him out for a lunch or dinner on you. Tell him you feel really badly and you want to celebrate his birthday with him, help him understand what led you to this really tough choice.

But, for the time being I'd say if he's 40 years old, he is a grown-aS*S* adult and should be mature enough to recognize that sometimes people have to take care of themselves. Addiction is serious business. It's life or death stuff. He may not fully appreciate the depth of your situation. Maybe you'll need to be vulnerable enough to be totally honest with him. Maybe you'll need to do some more explaining to help him see that your decision was not made with disrespect or lack of love, but out of protection for your very life.

If he doesn't see that at some point, well... maybe you'll need to part ways with that cat for a time. Because honestly, sobriety is about doing whatever it takes to save your own damn skin.

PS - You made the right choice.

:grouphug:

PPS - does he really have a 'right' to be angry?

I donno. That seems pretty harsh. If he CHOOSES to be angry, that's his freedom to choose. But saying he has a RIGHT to be angry seems to imply that somehow you did something wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You recognized your own limitations and you listened to your voice in a way that protected you from very real potential harm. Sure, that meant you would miss his birthday party. That doesn't give him the any RIGHT over you. That doesn't make it acceptable that he be angry. Don't send yourself that message.

Wanna talk about rights? YOU have the right to protect yourself from being killed by alcohol.

Nonever,
I agree with freeowl. Concentrate on you and what you need to stay sober. All the other stuff is just noise. Your on the right path

You made the right choice and explained to your friend. Try to be patient and see what comes of this. If he doesn't contact you, maybe you could suggest getting together, but try to wait and see what happens. One of the hardest things for me to learn in early recovery was patience.