My AV is getting too excited about my upcoming holiday...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 48
My AV is getting too excited about my upcoming holiday...
Hello,
I have a 2 week holiday coming up in the US, visiting a close friend, and I can just hear my AV trying to ruin it already.
I have had a terrible year. And I have not drunk through any of it, other than a sip of cocktail 6 months ago which was a cry for help. Not when my mum died 4 months go, not during the last 6 weeks with redundancy hanging over me (now confirmed - have no job in 3 weeks' time, and a lot of debt, so it's all quite terrifying).
I'll be honest, I feel like absolute cr*p all the time, and sometimes the not drinking is the only sign I have that I haven't given up on life entirely.
I'm tired of all the sadness and grief and it feels like i have no future most of the time. I can hear my AV getting restless, seeing the holiday as a fantasy escape from the daily grind of my life. Last year, i actually planned a relapse on my holiday. I had been sober for a year, drank every day on holiday, came back and have not drunk since, other than the sip, and my life is about a million times more unbearable than it was a year ago, so I am a little worried.
I have a 2 week holiday coming up in the US, visiting a close friend, and I can just hear my AV trying to ruin it already.
I have had a terrible year. And I have not drunk through any of it, other than a sip of cocktail 6 months ago which was a cry for help. Not when my mum died 4 months go, not during the last 6 weeks with redundancy hanging over me (now confirmed - have no job in 3 weeks' time, and a lot of debt, so it's all quite terrifying).
I'll be honest, I feel like absolute cr*p all the time, and sometimes the not drinking is the only sign I have that I haven't given up on life entirely.
I'm tired of all the sadness and grief and it feels like i have no future most of the time. I can hear my AV getting restless, seeing the holiday as a fantasy escape from the daily grind of my life. Last year, i actually planned a relapse on my holiday. I had been sober for a year, drank every day on holiday, came back and have not drunk since, other than the sip, and my life is about a million times more unbearable than it was a year ago, so I am a little worried.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I'm sorry it's been a hard year, SF - surely it's better to focus on positive respite and relief tho?
respite and relief that heals rather than just pushes the pain to one side and ultimately brings more pain in it's wake?
There are lots of ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html
have you considered some counselling perhaps for your loss your sadness and your fear?
It wouldn't be the worst idea to become a regular poster here again either?
D
respite and relief that heals rather than just pushes the pain to one side and ultimately brings more pain in it's wake?
There are lots of ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html
have you considered some counselling perhaps for your loss your sadness and your fear?
It wouldn't be the worst idea to become a regular poster here again either?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi SF
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and your other challenges. Life never stops happening, good and bad. It has been my experience that there is nothing that drinking won't make worse. I try to remind myself that millions of people go through very difficult times (man, just read the news these days!!) and they don't get wasted over it. But being miserable all the time isn't ok either. Have you considered therapy or a support group to help?
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and your other challenges. Life never stops happening, good and bad. It has been my experience that there is nothing that drinking won't make worse. I try to remind myself that millions of people go through very difficult times (man, just read the news these days!!) and they don't get wasted over it. But being miserable all the time isn't ok either. Have you considered therapy or a support group to help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 48
Hello kind people,
I do see a therapist weekly. I have been in and out of therapy for almost 30 years, since I was a teenager. I am a long term misery pants, on anti-depressants for much of my adult life.
I don't know why on earth I even contemplate drinking. I know it won't do anything good. I suppose it's that idea of oblivion. Of not being here any more but without doing anything final.
I'm sorry. This is all rather dark. It was actually supposed to be a positive post, because i want to make sure that I don't drink, and i want to tell my AV to get lost, but ironically, talking about it is making it seem more appealing. How mad is that?!
I am thinking of going to my first AA meeting tonight. Actually DOING something.
I do see a therapist weekly. I have been in and out of therapy for almost 30 years, since I was a teenager. I am a long term misery pants, on anti-depressants for much of my adult life.
I don't know why on earth I even contemplate drinking. I know it won't do anything good. I suppose it's that idea of oblivion. Of not being here any more but without doing anything final.
I'm sorry. This is all rather dark. It was actually supposed to be a positive post, because i want to make sure that I don't drink, and i want to tell my AV to get lost, but ironically, talking about it is making it seem more appealing. How mad is that?!
I am thinking of going to my first AA meeting tonight. Actually DOING something.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 309
Hi Freckles,
Your post isn't rather dark as you said. It's honest and that honesty doesn't just help you, it helps me and the other people in recovery on here :-)
I go to AA and I must say, even if you're not into the 12 steps (or get into them later, up to you) the community is a HUGE help to me. I went back into AA recently, shared and told people that I was going through something horrid and needed support and left with four phone numbers of people I've already hung out with and called a bunch of times. It's scary but so worth it, just knowing that you have someone that gets it.
Holidays are difficult and even after my awful, gross relapse, the voice in my head still gets excited thinking about Christmas and how my family will be drinking from 11am for all the festive days. This is despite the fact that by 1pm last Christmas I was asleep on the grass in my parent's back garden, shoveled Christmas dinner into my mouth whilst not really tasting any of it and then fell asleep, woke up, carried on drinking, annoyed my tee-total husband and went to sleep. It wasn't cool at all, but the addiction thing just messes up the mind.
Your post isn't rather dark as you said. It's honest and that honesty doesn't just help you, it helps me and the other people in recovery on here :-)
I go to AA and I must say, even if you're not into the 12 steps (or get into them later, up to you) the community is a HUGE help to me. I went back into AA recently, shared and told people that I was going through something horrid and needed support and left with four phone numbers of people I've already hung out with and called a bunch of times. It's scary but so worth it, just knowing that you have someone that gets it.
Holidays are difficult and even after my awful, gross relapse, the voice in my head still gets excited thinking about Christmas and how my family will be drinking from 11am for all the festive days. This is despite the fact that by 1pm last Christmas I was asleep on the grass in my parent's back garden, shoveled Christmas dinner into my mouth whilst not really tasting any of it and then fell asleep, woke up, carried on drinking, annoyed my tee-total husband and went to sleep. It wasn't cool at all, but the addiction thing just messes up the mind.
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