Freaking out- friend's 40th
 

It's my closest friend's 40th today and a group of us are going out for dinner tonight. I'm freaking out for a couple of reasons.
The restaurant we're attending is very expensive- food alone is going to cost me $180. Plus driving for an hour each way and paying for parking and whatever I drink. I literally have $160 in my wallet until Monday. So I'll have to borrow money to go. Not going is not an option- we're best friends and it'd be really poor form if I pulled out.
Secondly, the other people going all drink alcohol. Quite heavily. I WILL be the only one not drinking and I'm scared I'll give in and join them. There will be before and after drinks. I plan to leave straight after dinner.
Help!

Can you be honest to them about your money and drink situations?

if theyre close friends I'm sure your well being will outweigh any sense of you letting them down

Car batteries and alternators go on the fritz all the time, flu symptoms start out of the blue, the neighbors kids begged you to help the find their lost dog, while not advocating lying as a way of life , these any many more are reasons that people can't make it to things they 'have' to attend.
Given all the negatives against making the outing , perhaps missing this one is not a bad idea.
The biggest flag is that you state you are scared you may 'give in' , like you are fighting a battle against some stronger force. It sounds more like the AV has you incorrectly convinced It can be stronger than You. It's an illusion , but unless you are comfortable in knowing that your inner strength can beat the AV every time, it would be wise to not put yourself in situation where the illusion holds so much sway.
Sit tonight out, call your friend in the am ( but maybe not too early and speak softly, sounds like she may feel like shtt), stay home so you can be more sure you won't.
My two cents

I would not go if it put my sobriety at risk.

I'm with the others. I would either tell my friend why I can't go " money and drinking". No way a real friend wouldn't understand. My second choice would to make up an excuse. I've shamefully done it before but have lived my life believing the truth is always the best. It seems if you go there will be a serious dose of anxiety that will be difficult to overcome. Please be careful

I find that being honest is the best way. save yourself the worry and stress of lying. these feelings will only make you feel worse which you don't need right now.

try to simplify everything you do in order to manage stress. don't worry about offending people, your life is at stake.

I think he would understand if I said i couldn't go but I know he'd be hurt. I'm the only friend invited- the others are family members. He's had a rough couple of years and I'm loathe to let him down and make him feel like crap. It'd be yet another time I've disappointed and let someone close to me down.
If I hadn't wasted so much time this year drinking and not going to work, I'd easily afford this. I'm not very proud of myself at the moment.
I don't know what to do.

How can you even think you might join them for drinks if you don't have enough money to cover parking and dinner?

Thats just AV crazy talk.

I think my friends would understand if I didn't have the funds, noneever?
You could meet up specially after you get paid again or whatever?

D

talk to him. youre making assumptions about how he may feel and putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

theres a lot of self loathing in you. be strong and share your concerns with your friend

What about honesty? You can't afford it. Take him to lunch next week.

I am casting another vote for honesty. You have two very valid reasons for not being able to go; sobriety and money.

Talk to your friend and explain your situation.

I think taking him out for lunch next week is a good idea. I know though that he will offer to pay for me tonight - he's already mentioned it a week ago when I mentioned how expensive it is.
I'm really anxious at the thought of calling him and saying no to the dinner and hearing the hurt and disappointment. Time for a cup of tea and to refocus and calm down.

Can you just tell him you're broke and afraid of relapsing? It's the truth. I would tell him that, if it were me.

dealing with these thoughts is what sobriety is about. we all drank/drugged to avoid stress. you will feel better once you've faced it. the anxiety built up is always worse than the actual event

I like lunch with you two as an alternative. Guard your sobriety. It's hard won.

I hated hearing hurt and disappointment so much I kept drinking.
There can come a point where being noble can be self destructive too.

D

Adding my comments.....don't go.

Wondering why you haven't addressed this til last minute, as it seems to have caused a whole lot of drama and angst for you. If you haven't got yet, however, it's still not too late to cancel.

To put too fine a point on it....I bet your good friend will be a lot more disappointed if you die of alcoholism than miss a birthday dinner.

Just sayin'.....this is your life we're talking about. At any costs, to any lengths. How much do you want to stay sober?

if it were me I wouldn't go. Obviously speak to friend personally beforehand telling them your situation and give them the option of taking them out to dinner or an alternative present of their choice.

I'm sorry this is all crap talk. I've been in your situation before so many times and ended up drinking and back on the merry-go-round again. Take charge of yourself, do what's good for you and your sobriety which is far more important than a silly night out. Take your friend out separately. If they don't like it tough. Your sobriety comes first

I've 'left it to the last minute' because the plans were not concrete until this morning. There was a strong possibility it was just going to be a pub type $30 meal this time yesterday.
As for drama and angst, well yeah, I'm basically a decent person who doesn't like letting others down. So I'm unhappy about it.
I'm going to call and cancel and offer to take my friend out for lunch next week. I feel sick at the thought. Yep, more drama and angst but it is what it is.