Hi I'm Mark and I want to change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 25
Hi I'm Mark and I want to change.
Hi There,
I'm sitting here with a mild hangover again and again wishing I could change my life.
I've got a host of problems that I think are mostly related to alcohol and being glued to an iphone.
These include -
- Anxiety - major worrier
- Social Anxiety - really struggle with small talk.
- Depression - can't be bothered moving sometimes
- Jealousy of others - work mostly
- Lack of self worth, constantly need praise or assurance.
- Aggressive and can be very quick tempered over the stupidest of things.
- Struggle with emotion. Often feel none at all or good overwhelmed with them.
History -
Parents split up over alcohol when I was 6. Never seen father since, believe he is still an alcoholic.
Step father died of alcoholism when I was in my teens, we didn't get on.
Rebellious teenager.
I have drank since I was 15, similar amount today, see below.
Good points -
I married a lovely person who I met when I was sixteen and we are still together with three great kids all doing well. She dragged me off a dangerous path. I'm 39 now.
I have a really good but often high pressure job. I'm good at what I do or so I'm told.
My drinking now -
I work shifts days and nights so get a fair bit of time off during the week but work some weekends. I don't drink on days I'm working except maybe one beer occasionally after a day shift. I never drink if I'm day shift the next day.
When I'm off work I tend to drink, mostly at night. Mostly a bottle of wine and a couple of beers. Probably 2-3 bottles of wine a week and a few beers. I also have blow outs with work people every now and again as it is part of the industry. And very occasionally drink a lot more in the house, whiskey.
Whats worrying me is that I have noticed I plan my life outside work around drink and look forward to sitting down with a bottle of wine nearly everyday I'm not working. Drink is in our family, everybody likes a drink. Except my wife who hardly touches it except an occasional night out or an odd drink at the weekend.
I except now that the majority of my mental health problems (all self diagnosed currently but have been off sick with stress) are related to alcohol.
I've committed to reducing loads of times but it always goes back to where I am now. I fear stopping altogether because of the following reasons.
- I would be bored at night, it would feel wrong not having wine.
- How could I go on these work nights without drinking, Christmas especially.
I used to exercise at the gym but stopped as wasn't using it, mainly due to hangovers and cost. I know stopping drinking would cover the cost of the gym membership but struggling to commit to it.
I would love to feel fresh every morning. It would be nice to drive to restaurants further away from home and drive home sober. It would be nice to shake off all these mental health problems I feel.
Any help appreciated, feel trapped and isolated. My wife doesn't know about any of this as I'm an expert at hiding everything.
Mark
I'm sitting here with a mild hangover again and again wishing I could change my life.
I've got a host of problems that I think are mostly related to alcohol and being glued to an iphone.
These include -
- Anxiety - major worrier
- Social Anxiety - really struggle with small talk.
- Depression - can't be bothered moving sometimes
- Jealousy of others - work mostly
- Lack of self worth, constantly need praise or assurance.
- Aggressive and can be very quick tempered over the stupidest of things.
- Struggle with emotion. Often feel none at all or good overwhelmed with them.
History -
Parents split up over alcohol when I was 6. Never seen father since, believe he is still an alcoholic.
Step father died of alcoholism when I was in my teens, we didn't get on.
Rebellious teenager.
I have drank since I was 15, similar amount today, see below.
Good points -
I married a lovely person who I met when I was sixteen and we are still together with three great kids all doing well. She dragged me off a dangerous path. I'm 39 now.
I have a really good but often high pressure job. I'm good at what I do or so I'm told.
My drinking now -
I work shifts days and nights so get a fair bit of time off during the week but work some weekends. I don't drink on days I'm working except maybe one beer occasionally after a day shift. I never drink if I'm day shift the next day.
When I'm off work I tend to drink, mostly at night. Mostly a bottle of wine and a couple of beers. Probably 2-3 bottles of wine a week and a few beers. I also have blow outs with work people every now and again as it is part of the industry. And very occasionally drink a lot more in the house, whiskey.
Whats worrying me is that I have noticed I plan my life outside work around drink and look forward to sitting down with a bottle of wine nearly everyday I'm not working. Drink is in our family, everybody likes a drink. Except my wife who hardly touches it except an occasional night out or an odd drink at the weekend.
I except now that the majority of my mental health problems (all self diagnosed currently but have been off sick with stress) are related to alcohol.
I've committed to reducing loads of times but it always goes back to where I am now. I fear stopping altogether because of the following reasons.
- I would be bored at night, it would feel wrong not having wine.
- How could I go on these work nights without drinking, Christmas especially.
I used to exercise at the gym but stopped as wasn't using it, mainly due to hangovers and cost. I know stopping drinking would cover the cost of the gym membership but struggling to commit to it.
I would love to feel fresh every morning. It would be nice to drive to restaurants further away from home and drive home sober. It would be nice to shake off all these mental health problems I feel.
Any help appreciated, feel trapped and isolated. My wife doesn't know about any of this as I'm an expert at hiding everything.
Mark
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Mark,
Welcome sir.
Great post.
Imo...you are addicted. That is the major problem.
There may be psychological issues, but...based on what I have seen here in my last 18 or so months...you seem ok. Like me.
Addiction is physical and mental. It takes about a week to detox. Then your body and mind can begin healing. That takes months and years.
This site and Google have taught me everything I needed to analyze my drinking problem...same as yours...and solve it this far.
The healing process was not that painful, but it has been a grind. Coping w life clean takes modifying ourselves.
Many relapse, many need antidepressants. I made it w neither.
Read the stickies on what to expect.
Read and post to help w your questions, feelings, cravings etc.
I started drinking to get drunk at 5 years old....I quit for good at 50. I drank harder than you and I made it out.
Thanks.
Welcome sir.
Great post.
Imo...you are addicted. That is the major problem.
There may be psychological issues, but...based on what I have seen here in my last 18 or so months...you seem ok. Like me.
Addiction is physical and mental. It takes about a week to detox. Then your body and mind can begin healing. That takes months and years.
This site and Google have taught me everything I needed to analyze my drinking problem...same as yours...and solve it this far.
The healing process was not that painful, but it has been a grind. Coping w life clean takes modifying ourselves.
Many relapse, many need antidepressants. I made it w neither.
Read the stickies on what to expect.
Read and post to help w your questions, feelings, cravings etc.
I started drinking to get drunk at 5 years old....I quit for good at 50. I drank harder than you and I made it out.
Thanks.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hi Mark- glad you found SR. Now sounds like a terrific time for an AA meeting. You mention having time during the week when you are not working and there are meetings all through the day, especially during the week. And it would give you something to do when you would typically choose to drink.
A program is critical to getting and staying sober. Wanting is just the beginning- you must choose to be sober, more than you want to drink.
You've indicated that you know you're powerless over alcohol, and it seems that at least some parts of your life have become unmanageable. Those are the two parts of Step One in AA. Getting a sober mind will help you think about the whole picture of your life, and many of us have other help than our recovery program- drs, pyschs, drugs, then "secular" things like exercise, diet, new hobbies and playgrounds, etc- and it is possible to live a healthy life with issues like anxiety, depression, and other dx. I will share that IME, my dx of Borderline Personality Disorder while drinking is pretty much irrelevant or maybe not even accurate now, because being sober, all of those symptoms and behaviors have disappeared or moderated; I maintain a med regimen that works for me and part of that is a drug for BPD that my dr and I consider maintenance. Removing alcohol from your life - permanently- is the key to changing everything else so you know what you truly have to deal with and can then proceed.
Good luck. Hope to see you around. Don't drink - today.
A program is critical to getting and staying sober. Wanting is just the beginning- you must choose to be sober, more than you want to drink.
You've indicated that you know you're powerless over alcohol, and it seems that at least some parts of your life have become unmanageable. Those are the two parts of Step One in AA. Getting a sober mind will help you think about the whole picture of your life, and many of us have other help than our recovery program- drs, pyschs, drugs, then "secular" things like exercise, diet, new hobbies and playgrounds, etc- and it is possible to live a healthy life with issues like anxiety, depression, and other dx. I will share that IME, my dx of Borderline Personality Disorder while drinking is pretty much irrelevant or maybe not even accurate now, because being sober, all of those symptoms and behaviors have disappeared or moderated; I maintain a med regimen that works for me and part of that is a drug for BPD that my dr and I consider maintenance. Removing alcohol from your life - permanently- is the key to changing everything else so you know what you truly have to deal with and can then proceed.
Good luck. Hope to see you around. Don't drink - today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Hi Mark!
I can relate to a lot of the reasons why you drink. I tried to make my anxiety (and whatever unpleasant feeling I had, jealousy, frustration, depression, feeling lost, or when everything just got too much) go away.
I am sober for 8 days now and started a therapy 7 days ago. What I learned so far is, that the problems you listed won't just disappear cause you stop drinking. Just as it wouldn't work the other way round. That's what I initially thought. I didn't seek help for my alcohol addiction but for my anxiety and I thought as soon as the anxiety is "cured" I won't feel the need to drink any longer.
But being and staying sober is the first step in the right direction. It won't make your problems go away just like that but sobriety will enable you to see things clearer and finally be able to deal with things and work your way out of that morass of negative feelings. You can't do that while alcohols taking over, trying to fool and corrupt you.
And in order to stay sober long term you also have to work on yourself, find out what causes the depression, anxiety, low selfesteem, jealousy etc and figure out new ways to deal with things and new perspectives on life.
And maybe you want to open up about that to your wife. I don't know how important honesty is in your relationship but I can only recommend it. Also, if you really want to make a change and decide to stop drinking you should try to get as much support as possible and I think your closest family plays an important part in that. Lastly I can tell you it's such a f'ing relieve when you don't have to lie and hide things all the time. Not stressing about keeping up with your lies will give you the energy you'll need to quit.
I can relate to a lot of the reasons why you drink. I tried to make my anxiety (and whatever unpleasant feeling I had, jealousy, frustration, depression, feeling lost, or when everything just got too much) go away.
I am sober for 8 days now and started a therapy 7 days ago. What I learned so far is, that the problems you listed won't just disappear cause you stop drinking. Just as it wouldn't work the other way round. That's what I initially thought. I didn't seek help for my alcohol addiction but for my anxiety and I thought as soon as the anxiety is "cured" I won't feel the need to drink any longer.
But being and staying sober is the first step in the right direction. It won't make your problems go away just like that but sobriety will enable you to see things clearer and finally be able to deal with things and work your way out of that morass of negative feelings. You can't do that while alcohols taking over, trying to fool and corrupt you.
And in order to stay sober long term you also have to work on yourself, find out what causes the depression, anxiety, low selfesteem, jealousy etc and figure out new ways to deal with things and new perspectives on life.
And maybe you want to open up about that to your wife. I don't know how important honesty is in your relationship but I can only recommend it. Also, if you really want to make a change and decide to stop drinking you should try to get as much support as possible and I think your closest family plays an important part in that. Lastly I can tell you it's such a f'ing relieve when you don't have to lie and hide things all the time. Not stressing about keeping up with your lies will give you the energy you'll need to quit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome.
A couple of little things you listed suggested to me that it may also be worth you reading up on / finding out about codependency as well. Many children of alcoholics have tendencies to think and act out in codie ways, and these can be as damaging to us as our own drinking has become.
The laundry list on the ACOA website was shockingly familiar to me personally and could be worth a look if you're interested in exploring this side of things... Adult Children of Alcoholics
A couple of little things you listed suggested to me that it may also be worth you reading up on / finding out about codependency as well. Many children of alcoholics have tendencies to think and act out in codie ways, and these can be as damaging to us as our own drinking has become.
The laundry list on the ACOA website was shockingly familiar to me personally and could be worth a look if you're interested in exploring this side of things... Adult Children of Alcoholics
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Western US
Posts: 1,765
Welcome Mark. This is a great place to read and learn. Your drinking pattern sounds similar my old one and for me I see now I was approaching the edge of disaster and was so, so, so tired of drinking. I'm very grateful I found SR when I did.
It was hard for me to imagine a life without drinking, but once I made the commitment to stop and got a couple of sober weeks under my belt I could think more clearly and a sober life was beginning to feel really good.
It was hard for me to imagine a life without drinking, but once I made the commitment to stop and got a couple of sober weeks under my belt I could think more clearly and a sober life was beginning to feel really good.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Welcome Mark. Wanting to change is the first step. Keep stepping forward and you will find the drinking will make no sense as it interferes with the life you want to lead. For me personally, I keep small goals in front of me and focus on those. I don't really focus on "not drinking" as it is really also on the other hand focusing on "drinking". I try and focus on "living". I know that for me drinking is not a "means" for anything, but it is the "end". If I drink, well.........I will drink and I will not be able to "live" the way I want. Glad you are reaching out. Just remember, we are just human and life will have its ups and downs, but we will at least get the full experience sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Mark and Welcome,
I'm glad that you want to stop drinking and that you have decided to join us.
The following link has lots ideas and programs for recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
I'm glad that you want to stop drinking and that you have decided to join us.
The following link has lots ideas and programs for recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Glen Allen, Va
Posts: 2,589
Welcome Mark! I read some great advice above. I wanted to add one thing. Your comment about being an expert in hiding everything from others. One of the later things I learned in my alcoholism was I only thought I was really, really good at hiding that part of myself from everyone. In truth, they all knew. They just avoided making an issue of it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Welcome Mark,
I was in a similar place not long go. Good marriage, good job, great kids, but yet drinking every night.
I tried to quit many times before, by finding this place showed me how to do it properly.
Hang in there for the first week or so and I promise things start getting brighter after that.
P
I was in a similar place not long go. Good marriage, good job, great kids, but yet drinking every night.
I tried to quit many times before, by finding this place showed me how to do it properly.
Hang in there for the first week or so and I promise things start getting brighter after that.
P
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,572
Hi Mark - welcome! I was pleasantly surprised when I quit drinking -- I discovered how many of my problems were caused by drinking. Most of these went away (or got much easier to solve) once I stopped drinking for good. I thought it was the other way around -- thought alcohol helped me cope, cured my boredom, etc, but it was quite the opposite! Best wishes on making your own discoveries -- you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 25
Thanks for all the help and great advice. I feel I have made the first step on the ladder and found a good place to help me through this. Looking forward to getting through the first week and feeling better at the end of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
I've got a host of problems that I think are mostly related to alcohol and being glued to an iphone.
These include -
- Anxiety - major worrier
- Social Anxiety - really struggle with small talk.
- Depression - can't be bothered moving sometimes
- Jealousy of others - work mostly
- Lack of self worth, constantly need praise or assurance.
- Aggressive and can be very quick tempered over the stupidest of things.
- Struggle with emotion. Often feel none at all or good overwhelmed with them.
Every one of these problems is directly related to alcohol abuse.
I used to have a lot of these problems, today I don't have any of them.
What's the difference?
Probably the fact that I've been sober about 7 years.
These include -
- Anxiety - major worrier
- Social Anxiety - really struggle with small talk.
- Depression - can't be bothered moving sometimes
- Jealousy of others - work mostly
- Lack of self worth, constantly need praise or assurance.
- Aggressive and can be very quick tempered over the stupidest of things.
- Struggle with emotion. Often feel none at all or good overwhelmed with them.
Every one of these problems is directly related to alcohol abuse.
I used to have a lot of these problems, today I don't have any of them.
What's the difference?
Probably the fact that I've been sober about 7 years.
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