lapisfern

hey everyone, I'm pretty new to recovery, I have 6 months clean. I just ditched my last sponsor and I'm looking for a new one.
I'm ftm transgender and I've been transitioning since age 15. I'm 21 now. I live in a sober living house and no one in the house knows I'm transgender. no one in the rooms know either. It's something I don't like talking about, I'm just a regular guy with a heroin problem...
I was approaching my 4th step with my sponsor and I never told him I'm trans. so I'm trying to get a fresh start and be totally honest with a new sponsor. I'm scared to death just thinking about it but I know I won't be able to do my fourth step without being 100% honest with a sponsor.
I don't know what to do.

Maudcat

What fear is keeping you from disclosing that you are transgender, lapisfern? (Cool name, btw) Are you afraid that he won't want to work with you if he knows? If that is the case, then he is not the sponsor for you. In my experience, sponsors tend to be an accepting lot as long as the sponsees are willing to do the step work, but everyone is different. Sending you good thoughts. Peace.

lapisfern

I guess I just have a fear of rejection. Most of the time when I tell people they seem to treat me differently, or they ask questions about surgeries and hormones.. which I don't like to get into with people I just met. For a while I told myself that being transgender has nothing to do with my addiction, but being 13-14 years old and living in a body I didn't want fueled a lot of my early substance abuse. I know it's something I need to talk about but I'm worried being judged.

Anna

I don't have experience with a sponsor, but I think if you feel someone is judging you or treating you differently, maybe it's not the right person for you. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counsellor to help you through this? I see the conflict you have in not wanting to be asked a lot of questions, but feeling the need to talk about the issue.

entropy1964

Ok I'm an old lady so bear with me. If you identify as a male, in my book you ARE male. I dunno. I mean you live with guys in a house that don't know. I would think if you were gonna tell anybody it'd be them. But that's just me.

Frankly if being honest is the goal, why would you only tell the sponsor? Obviously it's all up to you and I don't judge at all. I just think if you are male, and everyone thinks you're male, then you're male. You are being honest.

That probably makes no sense. Do what's in your heart and it'll be right

I just read you second post....so if your gender identity fueled your addiction then I see why telling the sponsor is important to you. I hope the sponsor is compassionate enough not to judge. Addicts do some crazy stuff and we show compassion towards each other. Sexual identity shouldn't draw criticism, imo.

Maudcat

I understand what you are saying. It had to have been difficult when you were growing up. It's good, though, that you had not only your gender insight at an early age, but that you are self-aware regarding your substance abuse. Whew! It's a lot to process. Sometimes when people don't know what to say, they take refuge in banalities or inappropriate questions. I don't have advice, just best wishes and support. One very big reason why I like this site is that it is judgement-free. Peace.

Mountainmanbob

A sponsor is supposed to keep certain things between you and them only.

My sponsor who has sponsored many men often says,
"that is something that I will take with me to the grave."

Are all like that ? Probably not -- but, plenty are.

I understand your thoughts concerning the fourth step.
For years and years I held back a few things.
Finally got them out on the table -- I think for the best ?

Today I confess and share often with the One above.

M-Bob

digdug

Philly is a pretty progressive city when it comes to LGBT stuff. At least in the meetings I go to in center city, there is a wide mix of people in the rooms, including transgendered. We are all just working together to solve our common problem of alcoholism and addiction. You could share that you're ftm in a men's meeting and most guys wouldn't even bat an eyelash. In the men's meeting I go to, one of the guy's daughter is trans (mtf). She's also in the rooms and no one treats her any different.

We even have LGBT oriented meetings if that would make you feel more comfortable. Point is, I totally understand your fear of rejection, but you may be overthinking this. If a sponsee told me he was trans, it wouldn't change the relationship one bit. If a sponsor has a problem with it, it's time to get a new sponsor.

soberclover

Great point digdug! Glad you're here lapisfern

Lance40

I just wanted to thank you for sharing. Keeping secrets out of fear of rejection or the memories of what it was like to be rejected in the past can be a very difficult experience, especially when it involves things as fundamental as identity. I agree that it would be good for you to be 100% honest with your sponsor, so I understand the fear you are feeling. You are in my thoughts.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Lapisfern!!

PennyLane76

Hi Lapisfern! Welcome!. First, I think is great you listened to your mind and heart and took the steps to be true to yourself. Courage. Second, addressing your addictions at such a young age is admirable. A LOT of us have lost years and decades.

There was another transgender member here that posted about coming out at an AA meeting. The majority of the responses were to do what's in your heart. IMO it's no one's business really, but if you feel that's what you want/need to do then do it! If the sponsor is not accepting then bye bye sponsor.

Best to you, and let us know how everything turns out, ok?

HelenofTroy

Hi Lapisfern. Congrats on six months

As you get to know a new sponsor better you will get a better idea of what type of person he is. Do you have someone you trust who knows your status who could help you find a supportive sponsor? While I think that someone in the role of sponsor would likely be supportive, that is not necessarily a given. If he feels he is unable to work with you will he keep your situation confidential?

Something I haven't seen anyone address so far is your physical safety. You mention that no one in your house or rooms is aware of your situation. My advice is to trust your gut. Do you feel that coming out will endanger your safety? Only you can answer that.

I apologize if this comes across as alarmist, but we know that the world isn't always a safe space. Please keep checking in and let us know how you are doing.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm not sure, lapisfern. On the one hand I'm not really sure there's even a reason to bring it up. I can understand wanting to be completely open with your sponsor but on the other hand it's not really relevant to situation. If you're worried about rejection then maybe wait a bit? When you get to know your sponsor a bit better you might want to share but for now perhaps just limit your interaction to the topic of addiction.

Good luck and be safe!

sleepie

Well, 2 ways of looking at it- I mean if you are male, you're male- end of story. You always were, really right? So that's who you are, then and today. So what how you got there physically or with your exterior. No need to say anything about the journey to matching your outter self to your true self.

Then again, if you feel this is of great importance and would benefit you to come out, then take that risk. And if anyone has a problem with it, it's on them.

Also, sadly, What HelenofTroy says regarding safety is worth considering as well. I mean people can be fools unfortunately.

NoelleR

Studies have shown that, when compared with the general population, gay and bisexual men, lesbian, and transgender individuals are more likely to:
•Use alcohol and drugs,
•Have higher rates of substance abuse,
•Not withhold from alcohol and drug use, and
•Continue heavy drinking into later life.

Alcohol and drug use among some gay and bisexual men can be a reaction to homophobia, discrimination, or violence they experienced due to their sexual orientation and can contribute to other mental health and physical problems. It can disrupt relationships, employment, and threaten financial stability.

So, yes, it is relevant.

Dee74

I have no experience to share but I wanted to welcome you to SR lapisfern

D

blueberry2015

Do you trust your sponsor? If not quite yet, Id wait a bit until you feel complete trust has been made. It could also be worth sussing out his views, alas I have seen some ignorance in the rooms regarding LGBT so maybe worth sussing that out. At the end of the day if this is the right spinsor for you then they wont mind in the least that you've taken time to tell him x Good Luck

uncorked

Why do you have to tell him/her anything? It's your business, not his/hers.

sugarbear1

Sounds like it may be a 5th step thing