NewLeaf

I'll be sober for one week starting at midnight tonight. The first three days were really rough, the third day being the worst. It's been feeling better aside from a couple of random side effects (I'm either nauseous or starving with no in between).

Anyway, the thing I'm worried about most in this journey is how to navigate through social situations without drinking. My resolve is strong now, but I haven't hung out with anyone yet.

I've become the friend who everybody expects to be drinking (not proud of that) and haven't told but one friend that I've quit. All of my friends drink to varying degrees. I'm nervous to hear all the "just have a drink" and "you're not an alcoholic because you don't wake up and start drinking" comments.

How have you brought it up to your friends and what kinds of reactions did you get?

Maudcat

Early in sobriety I avoided situations where there would be drinking if I could. That being said, I was surprised and gratified at how easily friends and family accepted that I was no longer drinking. Your friends might surprise you. Good luck.

kevlarsjal

Hi NewLeaf!

I'm on day 7 too I haven't told any friends yet that I quit drinking and I still haven't decided whom to tell and when and how. Because I don't want to put myself through more stress than necessary during early recovery and because I don't want to hear people doubting my alcohol problem (I still do that enough myself) I decided to just tell people I can't drink at the moment because of medicine I have to take. I don't know if that's for you cause it would mean you have to lie to your friends and maybe even come up with a good reason why you're taking meds. But I thought I'd leave this idea anyway, maybe it helps.
Other than that maybe just try to avoid situations where you would typically drink and see if you can find other ways to spend time with your friends.
Also, in case it's more drinking buddies than friends, maybe try to make some new friends in sober surroundings.

madgirl

In the beginning I was a hermit. An insomniac, sugar craving hermit. Now I am totally ok in social settings - better, actually! - because I am interested in other people, surroundings and conversation more than chasing my high in the next glass of wine, or sneaking off somewhere alone to drink one really fast (ugh)

I promise it gets better!!! This from a lifelong self-described introvert, too

Anna

I avoided being around alcohol for many months. For me, it was the only way to do it. I think that part of the recovery process is making lifestyle changes. I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking. I felt very vulnerable and I didn't want any feedback that would upset me.

mav

I was exactly the same way as you in the beginning and my advice is that you do whatever you have to do to just get through. Tell people, don't tell people, lie through your teeth, lock yourself away, take up rollerblading, whatever - it's so important to just deal with that initial phase.

After time though (as you become comfortable with it) you will slowly work out how to open up and tell people. Just do it on your terms though.

The funny thing is now everyone person I do tell says "wow, I wish I could do that".

Keep going!

August252015

I was very (very) sick when I quit in Feb. I spent the first five or so weeks just getting well, and pretty much at home, with my parents, in a meeting or a dr's office. Once I started going back into the world, I (very) gradually expanded my social circle- and ONLY with good people. Good-for-me, and good-for-themselves people. I am simply ruthless about where I go, what I do and with whom I spend my time. I have zero tolerance for anything that doesn't contribute to a the good sober life I have now.

I am one of those who will tell you there is simply no invitation you cannot decline. Early on, this is especially critical as many of us have minds that will tell us we can handle something we really can't. If someone doesn't "accept" - translation, like- my decline, that is their problem. Anyone worth their salt in my life will understand.

I also suggest that you have plan and tools that you implement when in ANY situation that gives you stress, whether alcohol is involved or not. Just that inkling of discomfort is reason enough to leave. I mean this literally- have it in your head that you will excuse yourself to the bathroom if you start getting aggravated with a co-worker; always have a bottle of water on hand simply for something to do by drinking it (it's also good for you, ha); anything that helps you cope.

Are you working a program? Now sounds like a great time for an AA meeting. Keeping your days full- not worrying about what to tell the world (even if the "world" is just your social circle)- and not drinking have to be your top priorities right now. Don't borrow trouble - I still have to tell myself sometimes that I don't have to deal with [ ] right this minute. That upcoming wedding, those concert tickets you bought months ago - most things, you don't have to decide right now, especially at a week sober. Really, I promise. They will wait. You will have plenty of time to "go and do" in sobriety, if you get there when you are ready.

Good luck.

Soberandhealthy

I'm struggling with this right now. My whole office have a Halloween party tomorrow at a bar. I tried to decline but everyone keep saying I need to go because is the second time I decline an invitation from my boss and it would look bad.

Mattq2

I stayed completely away from such situations for two months. After that I tried to plan out every minute of the event as well as any situation I might encounter. I had back up plans on top of back up plans. It might sound obsessive but that's what it took for me. I'm not proud but I've faked being ill so I could leave. Now I will say in my experience most people at such things were to concerned with themselves to pay any attention to what I was doing. In the end if you have to much doubt don't go.

markshepherd

I am on day 11 and yes the 3rd day is always the worst but after that it gets easier.

I live with my girlfriend who always drinks a few glasses of wine when she gets home after we have eaten our dinner. To be honest I have no problem with her enjoying a few because I know that's her limit and accept that, but my advise is to distance yourself away from bars and pubs for a good couple of months.

In fact I'd say, start by going out for a meal a few times and then go from there.

Ultimately you/we need to change our habits and lifestyle to make up for the time we previously spent on nights out drinking. Go for a walk around the block to distract yourself when you get an urge to drink. Try going to the gym etc

It gets easier with time I promise.

least

It does get better, the longer you're sober.

NewLeaf

Thanks, all, for your feedback and ideas! I am open to going to meetings and know of a couple locations I can stop in if needed, but prefer something like this (I'm really shy...one of the reasons drinking was such a crutch for me). I am thankful to already have these responses and have been clicking through different threads. It's comforting to know that others on this journey are willing to talk about it and support each other.

Ruby2

I'm with August in that I'd say you absolutely don't have to go anywhere or do anything that will cause you discomfort. I choose not to go places where alcohol is the primary purpose. No bars or pubs. If I go out to meet friends, I suggest breakfast or lunch. Or even just a cup of coffee. I've made new friends at AA meetings and now attend AA functions. There's usually a party around the holiday and they're usually a lot of fun.

Whatever gets you through. It gets easier the longer you go along. You will start recognizing what you can handle and what you can't and what's not worth putting yourself out.

Good going! Keep it up. And ice cream is super. You could even meet friends for ice cream.

Berrybean

I cheated a bit and told people it was just for Lent, to get them off my case. They were a little cross when Lent finished and I carried on nor drinking. It was around that time that I finally went to AA. Thing is, the meetings I went to then we're mostly full of old men. Great sobriety to learn from, but no social opportunities for outside meetings. Since then I've moved area and the meetings here are more mixed as in the people attending. Lots of old timers (male AND female) to learn from, but also some younger people. I've built myself a nice network of sober friends who love coffee and cake like me. Who enjoy going out for the day. Even having weekends away. Of course, that social stuff isn't AA, but I'd never have met those people if I hadn't gone. To be honest I wouldn't have been confident enough to socially interact sober like I do now without the recovery work I've done with my sponsor, and continue to do daily.

I don't do the same social stuff as before. I have found that I don't like the same stuff sober as I liked drunk. I'm not the same person sober as I was drunk. I'm quieter, more reflective and more reserved. And I'm okay with that (now).

I do still see some of my old friends. A small percentage of them. I found that when I suggested non-drinking activities to them, most would decline. They, I finally realised, we're just drinking acquaintances. The handful of people who still wanted to hook up, and see me, and do something different, and who were happy for me to be sober if that's what I needed to be - they were my friends. It does hurt a little bit at first, this discovery of who is just an acquaintance, but hey, it is what it is. And it was a big part of me moving forward. Maybe you'll find something similar.

I will add that there was one friend who acted supportive, but would do some pretty weird stuff for someone who was supporting me. On my 1 year sober anniversary she admitted that she and another girl had tried, very systematically, to sabotage my sobriety and get me to drink again. I'm not sure how she expected me to take that snippet of information. I didn't fall out with her over it, but it dented my trust in her, and I don't think so highly of her nowadays if I'm honest. Like I read once, 'alcoholics are like crabs, when they see one clamouring out of the bucket, they try to claw it back in.' So, if you've been drinking with other people who drink like you, their motives might well be quite selfish, so stay guarded.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

MrPL

Hi Newleaf,

I think you ll be surprised with how little most people care about whether you drink or not. My experience has been that close friends and family understand my situation and cooperate, while the rest either don't ask anything or if they do I just say I quit and they are more curious than pushy.

I am also having a lot more fun being out sober than I had when I was drinking.

As people said it is probably good to take it easy in the first few weeks, but if you made your decision and you are happy about it then those around you will be too.

And congrats on one week!

P

SomeSortOfHuman

Hi NewLeaf,

I'm facing this too. My partner knows the full story, but most other people in my life don't know and I've been thinking about how I will deal with this over the festive season (I've avoided most drinking-based social events over the past 2 months - not too difficult, as I've been very busy with work).

I don't know if this will work for you, but I'm planning to be as confident and upbeat about it as I can - i.e. not at all apologetic. I'm going to say something like "I just don't fancy it anymore - I've started having a really bad reaction to it. It's not doing anything for me". I'm hoping that if I'm very matter of fact about it, people won't make it a big deal.

I've also found it helpful to notice how many people in bars, restaurants etc are on soft drinks. I always feel like EVERYONE else is drinking - but if you look around, you'll see that's not the case. You won't be the only one.

FLCamper

I never announced that I'd quit drinking - but most of my drinking was home alone so I didn't have drinking buddies. When going out with friends I just stopped ordering wine with dinner. Now they just assume I don't drink.

Is it better to not say anything and just order a soda? I think making a proclamation could be viewed as a challenge to someone in a bar.

August252015

Another thing to remember, as my first sponsor told me: "You do not owe anyone an explanation. Ever." She is a hard-liner, and while I think that with some people, we do need- or perhaps, want is what that "need" really is- to share, but her bottom line is correct. It is our business, our plan, and many in AA (and other programs) will tell you things like living a good, sober life is the best way to "tell" anyone.

As others have said, with time this aspect of sobriety- being out in the world, what we participate in socially, etc- will change, become easier, mean different things to us. It really will, I promise you that. For me, I even work in a restaurant- no problem at all. In fact, it is one way I get a sort of detached perspective on how people drink, safely and not. That helps me have just one more reason not to drink, myself.

Don't tempt or test yourself early on, is again my best suggestion. In AA we say not to give advice, as a general rule, but I think this is one area to take and heed good advice. Think of how many things you remember as fun, but in retrospect weren't that big of a deal. Or how many you don't remember, because you were drinking. My bet is that you will get a chance to do- and to instigate- plenty of fun things and create memories that you DO retain, as you stay sober. I know I do - as my boyfriend tells me now- "you were right. You told me that everything is better sober and a month in, I didn't quite believe you, but I wanted to know more. Everything in my life is better, even just getting up in the morning."

Good luck.

thomas11

I think its your choice. Its been about a year for me, I haven't made a point to tell anyone. My wife knows and I know, that's all I care about.

teaorcoffee

I made sure I was ok for a couple of weeks before stepping out. When I was in the position I used the excuse of sober october.

A couple of people have mentioned it's almost over, but I've already said I might just keep going. Some people don't understand but there again they don't need to.

I am happy to have this place to talk, and know others in the same position as me - not keen on the AA approach - appreciate it works for others, but it's not for me.