Jade1224

I did not adopt a plan.

How quickly we forget and deny this addiction. Even though my last withdrawal took me to the hospital, I recovered quite nicely and enjoyed one month of being sober, clear headed, anxiety free and generally just happy.

I didn't go through any of the emotional struggles that most go through in the beginning stages of sobriety. So I ask you this. Why would I give up all that health and happiness to just destroy my body, disappoint everyone, and leave me feeling anxious and ashamed?

The reason, I think, is because I ignored sobriety 101: make a plan. My plan was to just not drink. But I wasn't focusing on sobriety, I was focusing on working more, saving more, going back to school. All good things but I put zero effort into my sobriety or attempting to understand my addiction.

I became complacent. I thought I was "cured" because I wasn't having cravings and dang, other people can drink and why can't I?

So let's talk plans. The obvious one that comes to mind is AA. I have been many times in the past but while I met so many nice people, I mostly felt depressed after the meetings. I think because the notion that even someone with 20 years of sobriety (congratulations to you, whoever you may be!) Is still an alcoholic and will forever be an alcoholic.

I don't want to be an alcoholic. I don't want to drink either. What I want is to be a healthy happy sober person. How do I achieve that?

Can someone please tell me about other plans? Your experiences, what works for you, and if you love AA ... Why does that program work for you?

Thanks guys and hopefully, after a 4 day bender, I will be back on the road to recovery in no time.

Jade1224

Actually, I take it back. I DID have a plan which was to try and ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

So let me rephrase: can someone direct me to a plan that actually works?

biminiblue

You don't pick up a drink. No matter what thoughts, desires, euphoric recall, parties, sadness, stress, no matter what.

Jade, you've been "trying" to get sober for years. If you can't do it by yourself, ask for more help.

Don't pick up a drink today - and call someone...a counselor, a rehab, an AA friend. Do something different.

Jade1224

It sounds so simple so why can't I do it? I do need more help i am just unsure of where to find it. I haven't tried everything. In fact I've really not tried anything.

Obviously if it's not working I need to try something different. What can I do? Smart meetings? Avrt? I'm wondering how everyone gets sober and stays sober

MLD51

I think the thing that made the biggest difference for me in the beginning was acceptance. I accepted the fact that I can't drink like a normal person. I accepted the fact I'm an alcoholic. I accepted that I'll never be able to drink safely again. Did I like it? No. I was pissed off at first. I wanted so much to be normal. I was mad that I had this disease that would be with me forever. I felt lost, alone, scared. Until I went to treatment and started going to AA. Yes - AA can be depressing at times. But the support it gives me outweighs that for me. And you're in an area where you may be able to find alternatives to AA - SMART, Women for Sobriety, LifeRing.

Anyway - once I really accepted my alcoholism I felt better. Then I was able to start looking at the rest of my life that had gotten messed up along the way. What has been working for me is regular attendance at an women's only AA meeting, really working the steps, finding some new friends and things to do that don't include drinking, and having gratitude every day that I don't drink anymore. There's more to my plan, but those are the basics.

Good luck to you, Jade - wishing you the best.

biminiblue

We make an internal vow to ourselves that we will not pick up a drink.

No matter what.

Then every time we feel or think that a drink is a good idea, we distract or change that thought into something that is good for us.

Reread your past threads. You only get so many chances, Jade. Eventually your number is going to be up. I read here every week about some twenty-something who has had an irreversible tragedy happen due to alcohol.

Jade1224

I felt left out. That's why I took the first drink. I need to learn that just because other people can drink, i can't.

And no matter what I sometimes think, sobriety isn't boring.

I don't have acceptance. I do just want to be normal.

Soberpotamus

Hi, Jade. I got sober the first time at age 27. I stayed sober for a year and then I drank again. I stopped and started many times from age 28 to age 36. That's how long I was 'trying to quit.'

The good thing is that you're tackling your addiction at an early age. The not-so-good thing is that unless you accept you must never pick up another drink, you're going to drink again. And for who knows how long? This process doesn't have to drag on for years. It can stop right here today for you. Truly.

How you go about doing that must be something that actually works for you. There are a few paths to take.

My path was this: After nine years of stops and starts, I pulled together the stuff I'd learned at SMART, at WFS, some key concepts from AVRT, and then I made a phone call and set up a meeting to start a 20-day IOP. I went to some AA meetings as suggested at my IOP (even though I didn't really want to go, I did it), and I set up individual counseling for when IOP ended. I also went to Aftercare for two years after my IOP ended. And of course, daily reading and posting here at SR. I read lots of recovery books as well. I made some changes in my life and have maintained most of them. I am still making big changes to ensure I continue to live the kind of life worth living, one that's meaningful to me, so that I never want to drink again. And in the rare scenario I think of drinking, I don't. Drinking is not an option -- not ever.

I am sober going on four years now.

Find something that will work for you, make a commitment, keep it, and keep going. Do not drink.

Jade1224

Thanks soberpotamus!so what I'm getting is that sobriety is work. And I knew this deep down but I never wanted to face it. It sounds like you worked your butt off for your sobriety and I have not.

Like I said, I just literally did nothing except tell myself every day not to drink.

I'm going to research programs and see what works for me.

Congrats on 4 years



People that have years of sobriety

entropy1964

Hi Jade

I relate very much to how you feel. I tried very hard to deny my problem. Yeah, I knew I was an alcoholic but I hoped I was somehow 'different' than other alcoholics. I'm unique. I can do this 'my' way. At the time, if you asked me, I'd say 'no I'm just like you guys...BUT...I don't need AA, I'm not one of them'. Yeah, right. I'm good on my own, I don't have cravings, I'm FINE!

Well guess what? Not fine. I can't do this on my own. I have to accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic, completely. Why would I be so different that I can accomplish this on my own? I have to surrender to the fact that I can only get sober with people that understand me.

I too have little to no cravings. I'm 69 days (big whoop) and other than the fleeting thought of a habituated brain, no cravings. Do I LOVE AA....as in, does it get me high? No, its a program. Its new. Its a discipline. So I'm adjusting to it. But do I want what many have in AA? Yes. I remember sitting in AA meetings over the years and truly thinking that everyone was lying. How weird is that? Or that the Big Book couldn't be 'real'. My mind rejected it THAT much. But now, with an open mind, its starting to make sense. Some days I really like AA, others I'm neutral to underwhelmed. But I know it works. So I'm going to do everything in my power to work for it. I'm going to do what others have done before me, who say the obsession has been removed. I'm not going to listen to my brain that says, you're being left out. You're missing 'something'. You just want to be 'normal'. What does that even mean FOR ME? Getting drunk, blacking out, doing insane things, dying? Oh yeah, I'm missing out.

Sorry, rambling. Challenge your thinking.

Soberpotamus

It requires looking at things honestly, courageously, and being willing to make changes. Maybe that's work, not sure. I would certainly call it a period of upheaval, lol.

My mom's death was a huge influence on me getting sober. She struggled with addiction her entire life. Maybe I am fortunate in a sense, to see up close and personal the devastation that might've been mine had I continued down that road. I have also struggled on my own as well. I landed in ER once, had one car wreck, one DUI, lost a job, and lost some friends. It also got in the way of grad school.

So now I am doing things I might've done ten years ago had I not been an alcoholic or problem drinker. Tough pill to swallow. But it is what it is, right?

Do everything you can to stop drinking and stay stopped. I can promise you that you'll not regret it.

D122y

I feel your pain and thank you for the post.

I offer find non drinking f2f role models. I have several.

They don't know they are my role model.

I periodically ask them to remind me why they don't drink.

It is a different mind set.

Bottom line, it is good that you are aware you have a problem.

You will do less damage to yourself in the long run.

Keep posting and staying active here. Helping others and seeing folks struggling keeps me clean.

Joining a group..ie. helping homeless folks also is huge for me.

I work w the Shriners.

Jade1224

So much great advice. You all are awesome.

Frick, your response is amazing. I really am not missing out on anything being sober. What I'm missing out on when I'm drinking is life. I have blackouts and I don't even remember what happened.

August252015

Hi Jade- glad you posted.

I echo a lot of what soberpotamus and Frick said - my thinking is usually pretty similar to theirs.

Here's what I may not be succinct about but want to say, as my ESH.

I went kicking and screaming. Til the end, when I just...went. 247 days ago, I was told by my new liver dr that I had a yr, 18 mo to live if I didn't stop. Why I heard him (other drs had told me the same, three years before), I don't know other than I was ready, it was time, and God did it. Boom, I quit cold turkey from a handle of vodka every two days habit. I was very sick and the first five or so weeks were spent on physical things, including about 82 mtgs in 90 days so pretty close to the 90 in 90.

I have had every reaction and emotion possible to a certain meeting or another. I was physically, emotionally, in-every-way exhausted when I got there. I kept going. I didn't speak up or introduce myself as an alcoholic til somewhere around 90 days (and I am a very verbal person, and I speak frequently now). I got my first sponsor at 97 days. Steps 1-3 had been done - my life was undoubtedly unmanageable (holy smokes, was it) and I was certainly powerless over alcohol. Three wasn't hard because I always believed in God, I just rejected Him for a long time. My first sponsor was hard core and discplined- I started to learn the BB, starting in the lower case letter pages. She hammered into me daily work habits that I still do - I spend a couple hours every morning on the same routine of devotionals and study. That includes SR, a daily devo book, the daily Richard Rohr email, HALT and reading pp 85-88 and 417-418. Every day. My work schedule can make it a challenge now, but I go to 4 to 6 meetings a week and while I don't always look forward to them, I go; if life makes it hard and I get less meetings I feel it.

My problem has been removed. I don't focus on the word alcoholic- it's fine with me, "the best gift I was ever given" - because now my focus is my emotional sobriety and living my version of a better life than I could have imagined. I surround myself with only positive, supportive people- in the rooms and out. My current sponsor, my bf (also in recovery) and a circle of friends who are worth my time and love and energy (which is a growing circle as I've gotten my feet back and I am worthy of good friends) and my family are simply the only people who have seats at my table.

I listen, and I go with the people who have what I want. AA, for me, is a plan of action. A concept and a program for life, with specifics you do because...they work. If you work it. And I consider this "not work," really- as it has become how to handle life "intuitively in ways that used to baffle me." I don't go around spouting or touting anything AA, I just do my best to live it.

And it works for me. I'd wish my life with my best friend sobriety on every person on the planet. It is good, complicated, imperfect, peaceful, challenging...REAL. My current sponsor is a spirit of the law person more in line with my way of applying my foundation; we talk about life skills to use our AA foundation, and deal with life as it comes. Acceptance of everything really is what I aim for- and am getting better at.

Everything else I do- the med regime my psych has me on, the non-AA stuff I read and study, the taking care of my health, my relationship with my boyfriend- it all comes after and from, and is supported because of my AA program.

Whatever someone's program, choosing never to drink again- I know I simply cannot- and accepting that you can go with a life you never thought you'd get that comes after that choice are both possible.

For me, living AA has become simple. Life is not easy, so applying it is not. It is worth it. And it has become easier to go to steps like ongoing amends, service to others, and methods and support for maintaining emotional sobriety, which is my primary focus. Physical sobriety comes from that emotional, spiritual condition.

Good luck.

Jade1224

Thanks august, thanks for responding and for your guidance. I need to definitely change my thinking.

The people in AA are amazing. Very sweet and spiritual.

Maybe I will attend another meeting with a more open mind.

I'm scared to work the steps. And I'm scared to get a sponsor. Maybe deep down that's what's holding me back

Irnldy001

Jade
A lot of new sobriety activities can be scary. My first AA meeting was also my first day 1. I didn't get a sponsor for a long time because of my social awkwardness. Which meant going to a lot of meetings but not really getting the program because I wasn't working the steps.
Finally getting the right sponsor and working the steps has helped me find my firm footing and purpose. I have steps I work every day and honestly believe that they help me in remaining stalwart and sober.
But in addition, I also saw my doctor and came clean before day 1, so he could help me detox without too much awfulness. I was able to get out to AA during my detox, which helped a lot.
I don't know your history as others here do. Clearly you have enough willpower if you stopped for 30 days. But we can't exist on just willpower. My sponsor heard that I'd been doing it for months and said "that's like a car existing on gas fumes". Now that i"m much more in it I get what she was saying.
You can do this, and you are right, you need a plan.
Good luck

ru12

Hi Jade. It took me years to finally get sober. What finally worked was simple refusing to put alcohol to my lips and swallow. There were lots of reasons (excuses) I used to justify my continued use of alcohol, but in the moments I was honest with myself, I liked the pleasure of getting drunk. And I kept at it until I decided that I would never use alcohol again and would never change my mind. Things that have helped me: Rational Recovery's AVRT allowed me to dissociate myself from the addictive voice that screams that IT wants booze; Allan Carr changed how I viewed alcohol from a pleasant innoculent substance to a poison; SMART gave me rational exercises I could use to refute my irrational thoughts, AA gave me a place to go to just be with sober people when I needed that.

This recovery business can be as simple or as complicated as you want to make it. My recovery was an event... once I made the irrevocable decision that I never drink now, my addiction was over.

dwtbd

Jade
I think you have the key in what you said about changing your thinking.

When it finally clicked for me was when I switched my mindset from " I can't" to "I don't".
There were things "I can't" do and for years tried to do anyway. One was consuming almost any amount of alcohol and not experience a drive/almost irresistible urge for more , a little would start the Itch and more would only intensify it. One drink would always start the process and from there it would be a struggle(and one I didn't even attempt much while intoxicated) to try and stop before getting 'good' and drunk. It was always like that from my first drink and consistently so until my Last one. Another thing I 'can't' do is give myself the best chance at living a happier , healthier and more 'normal' life while drinking and at the same time trying not be a drunk.
I don't want to be a drunk, so I don't drink. I tried for many years to be a drinker and not a drunk, but I can't, the first drink starts the itch that leads to blackout drinking/drunkeness and I don't want that ever again.
If I were honest enough with myself when younger, I'd have made the switch in my mindset, but I didn't, I tried to have it both ways for years. You have a chance now to save yourself from a lot of wasted time going forward, switch your mindset now, I guarantee you will never regret it.
Reading about RR and AVRT really helped me to cement that mindset( great threads on those ideas in the Secular Connections forum here on SR )
wish you well

August252015

I don't think I was scared to get a sponsor, just nervous and uncertain. I waited til I felt like I "connected" with what I heard this woman say in a few meetings. Then I thought long and hard about why I wanted to change, and make sure I wasn't looking for an easier path with a different sponsor. Learning to make good decisions is huge for me- trusting myself more, because I am listening to the right voice inside and voices outside.

One thing to know is that there is no certain pace to work the steps. Those who "do them in a weekend" are, IMO, getting an introduction. If you think of being sober for the rest of your life, there's no rush to go through them any faster than you are ready. I went through 4 and 5 a couple of months ago, right before/around 6 months and we are going to approach 6 next. I haven't stagnated, it's just the righ pace for me.

I think if you have an open mind- and one thing that I find really helpful once I got past the initial thing of just going to meetings at all, is to try different ones and find those you NEED. Some might be more comfortable (like my home group) and others more diverse, challenging, whatever. That's progress and helps you keep growing.

FLCamper

Jade, you've already gotten lots of good responses.

Since you've made it through 30 days, maybe you can draw on that experience to help you going forward. You've had some recent experience getting through life sober, that may help you.

I wish you the best and look forward to hearing how you are doing.