Dee74

I hope you're feeling a little better about your self windancer

D

LadyBlue0527

Windancer, I am known as Jekyll and Hyde. Even used to have a friend who called me Sybil (the story about the girl with multiple personalities).

As a sober person I am a loving and giving spirit. It would be extremely rare to hear a negative word come out of my mouth.

Add alcohol to the mix and who knows what's going to happen. Let's just say I could write your original post and identify with every piece of it. Alcohol unleashes a demon in me and that's actually an understatement.

You know what though? The people we become when we drink is not who we are. However, the addiction will try to feed us reminders of those times as a way to lead us back.

We can't change what we were, we can only affect who we are going forward. The way I get around harboring and revisiting those thoughts is to instead focus on the relief that I never have to be worried about that again rather than lamenting over what I did.

The further you get away from the person you were the more those thoughts dissipate.

ZenLifter

Windancer, some good advice already. Here's mine: treat yourself a little more gently, as you would a friend who just confessed to you what you just confessed to us. Would you say the things to them that you just said to yourself?

Windancer

Thank you so very much everyone.
This thread has helped me a LOT and I am very grateful for that.
I actually have a lot to be grateful for period, and that is much better than feeling sorry for myself

Windancer

I most certainly am, Dee. Thanks

jojo82

I hold myself accountable for my own actions.

Anna

I think it's not unusual to have cyclical memories of the most horrible things that we did in our addiction. I found that journaling helped me a lot. Putting words on paper about how I felt took some of the pain away and gradually things improved.

ru12

Take a deep breath, hold it and let it out. Take a minute and ponder that you are a wonderful person that doesn't do mean things when she is sober, and you don't drink anymore so you will NEVER do those things you regret again. How cool is that?

Windancer

VERY cool. Cool in the most extreme sense. Ever so relieving.

blueberry2015

Been there x Have scars on my arm which remind me why I cant drink anymore. Im lucky that people have forgiven me for my violent outbursts whilst drunk too. For me, one minute I would be fine then the next as tho a switch had been flipped I was a violent nasty lunatic. Sobriety is the only cure for me. Its not a good place to be in, the shame remorse and regret, self loathing and hatred to ones self, its horrible, however in recovery you realise these were the actions of a sick person and learn to forgive yourself x I hope you find some peace within yourself x x x

Windancer

Posting this thread has really helped me begin to forgive myself and understand that it truly wasn't the real me ... though I still must take responsibility for my drunken actions.

I forget who posted this (maybe TomSteve???) but I thought it summed it up well: " I am not a horrible person becoming a good person, I am a sick person becoming well".

I'll remember that one