So ashamed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 20
So ashamed
Hello,
I'm not new here. Used to be on the board years ago. I lurk often but never post. I finally decided I need to post and when I stayed close to SR in the past it greatly helped with my sobriety. I've been a heavy binge drinker for the last 16 or so years. I drink heavily and the take a few days off and feel good again so I drink again. The only periods of sobriety I have had is months here and there, and of course while I was pregnant.
I have so many reasons not to drink, I really do live a blessed life when I sit down and look around, I'm just internally unhappy with my looks, weight I've gained etc. it literally pains me to be in my own skin.
I do really dumb things when I'm drunk. Write embarrassing posts on Facebook that I feel everyone is talking about me over. Pick arguments on Facebook, just all in all make a big ass out of myself to the point I wish I could just move away and start over. And the I lie, for whatever reason I don't know. Some of the things make me cringe. I'm just a terrible person.
I don't have any friends that don't drink. I'm not big into face to face meeting so I've been going to a few video ones online. Will I ever be able to stay sober and get over all the shame I feel for how I've acted while drunk?
I know if I don't stop I will ruin my family and my health. Thanks for reading this.
I'm not new here. Used to be on the board years ago. I lurk often but never post. I finally decided I need to post and when I stayed close to SR in the past it greatly helped with my sobriety. I've been a heavy binge drinker for the last 16 or so years. I drink heavily and the take a few days off and feel good again so I drink again. The only periods of sobriety I have had is months here and there, and of course while I was pregnant.
I have so many reasons not to drink, I really do live a blessed life when I sit down and look around, I'm just internally unhappy with my looks, weight I've gained etc. it literally pains me to be in my own skin.
I do really dumb things when I'm drunk. Write embarrassing posts on Facebook that I feel everyone is talking about me over. Pick arguments on Facebook, just all in all make a big ass out of myself to the point I wish I could just move away and start over. And the I lie, for whatever reason I don't know. Some of the things make me cringe. I'm just a terrible person.
I don't have any friends that don't drink. I'm not big into face to face meeting so I've been going to a few video ones online. Will I ever be able to stay sober and get over all the shame I feel for how I've acted while drunk?
I know if I don't stop I will ruin my family and my health. Thanks for reading this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome back Beabetterme 
absolutely
It takes a little willingness to change, and a little concerted effort...but you're not alone here. There's great support and advice
D
Will I ever be able to stay sober and get over all the shame I feel for how I've acted while drunk?
It takes a little willingness to change, and a little concerted effort...but you're not alone here. There's great support and advice
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Fleeing Temptation in PTZ
Posts: 168
Say BB,
Do you truly believe: BOOZE IS BAD . . . SOBER IS BEST
With all you mind and heart, do you want a good sober life?
For me, I got off the roller coaster of FALSE EUPHORIA AND DEVASTATION.
Now, I seek only natural rewards and pleasures.
With Peace & Serenity
Do you truly believe: BOOZE IS BAD . . . SOBER IS BEST
With all you mind and heart, do you want a good sober life?
For me, I got off the roller coaster of FALSE EUPHORIA AND DEVASTATION.
Now, I seek only natural rewards and pleasures.
With Peace & Serenity
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Hi BB,
Sorry to hear you are going through this, but I was the same person doing terrible things as well when drinking. But that is not who I was. I have an illness so that when I drink my perception changes.
Now that I am sober, I feel finally free again. I have told other family members that if they had the same illness I have, they would have similar terrible stories as well, and so they can't really judge. I forgive myself because I believe it is a physical illness. But at the same time, I was in control of deciding to make a change and having a plan to stay sober, and that is my responsibility.
I hope you can do this. In the meantime, however, as you struggle to try and get sober, have you thought about deleting your Facebook account? This suggestion is more of a harm reduction suggestion to reduce the harm your are causing yourself while drinking until you can get sober.
Sorry to hear you are going through this, but I was the same person doing terrible things as well when drinking. But that is not who I was. I have an illness so that when I drink my perception changes.
Now that I am sober, I feel finally free again. I have told other family members that if they had the same illness I have, they would have similar terrible stories as well, and so they can't really judge. I forgive myself because I believe it is a physical illness. But at the same time, I was in control of deciding to make a change and having a plan to stay sober, and that is my responsibility.
I hope you can do this. In the meantime, however, as you struggle to try and get sober, have you thought about deleting your Facebook account? This suggestion is more of a harm reduction suggestion to reduce the harm your are causing yourself while drinking until you can get sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: northern california
Posts: 740
yes it will take time just concentrate on recovery one day at a time I know it sounds cliche but so true. I was off FB 49 months so blissful about ready to delete again try it, it might do you good.
stay with us, good luck
stay with us, good luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi beabetterme, you are not a terrible person. But it sounds like you have a terrible problem.
Don't focus on the shame or the things in the past that make you cringe. Focus on the steps you need to take to make things better, to deal with the terrible problem.
Stop drinking, make a plan to stay sober and come back to SR and this time stay real close. Bit by bit, step by step, things will get better. And one day in the future, say a few months from now, you will be able to look back at this time and feel relief that it is in the past.
But if you don't take action now, that will never happen. A few months will come and go and instead of enjoying that one future day when all of this is behind you, you will be stuck in the same terrible shame and regret.
So the time to take action is now.
Don't focus on the shame or the things in the past that make you cringe. Focus on the steps you need to take to make things better, to deal with the terrible problem.
Stop drinking, make a plan to stay sober and come back to SR and this time stay real close. Bit by bit, step by step, things will get better. And one day in the future, say a few months from now, you will be able to look back at this time and feel relief that it is in the past.
But if you don't take action now, that will never happen. A few months will come and go and instead of enjoying that one future day when all of this is behind you, you will be stuck in the same terrible shame and regret.
So the time to take action is now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 20
Thank you all for the responses and support. I am officially calling today my day 1 although I was sober the majority of the day yesterday, my binge had gone into the late hours of the evening from the previous night. I'm ready and determined to get healthy. I will post here at least once a day and check in. It won't be easy but I did make it to almost 6 months and it felt wonderful. I want to feel that way all the time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Beabetterme 
I know if I don't stop I will ruin my family and my health.
Step 1 was -- Complete Deflation.
Sounds like you are there as I have also been.
Helps if you make a (firm decision) to stop drinking.
M-Bob
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Beabetterme - You are not a terrible person. I felt that way about myself for a long time before I quit drinking, too. But when I made the decision to quit, I also went to outpatient treatment and started going to AA, where I found out that lots and lots of really nice, good people did terrible things just like I did when drinking and/or using. In them, I saw myself. I thought "well that person is sober now and a really great person. I guess that can be me." I was never a terrible person, and neither are you. You don't do terrible things sober, do you? Neither did I. Once I quit drinking and started cleaning up the debris from my past behaviors, things got better and I felt better about myself - a little bit every day. You can do it too. Please try to stop beating yourself up. It took me a while to stop feeling so ashamed, but it just keeps getting better. I can truly say, after 22 moths sober, that I like myself again. You'll get there. But don't be discouraged - it's not an overnight thing. It takes time, and some hard work. But it's so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Hello, and welcome (back!). I have read similar stories and lived them, too. But, not any more.
How did you accomplish 6 months? That's great - maybe if you look at how you did that, it will help you now.
SR has been tremendous for me. Keep us informed of your progress.
How did you accomplish 6 months? That's great - maybe if you look at how you did that, it will help you now.
SR has been tremendous for me. Keep us informed of your progress.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I've done a lot of those same things....
Felt a lot like you describe....
One thing I learned though; shame is a weapon used on ourselves that keeps us trapped in the very places and behaviors that created the shame in the first place.
One thing you need to do is consciously forgive and let go.
The steps of AA can be very helpful with that.
I also found working with a therapist very helpful.
Development of self-love, compassion, understanding is key.
Even the simple act of consciously stopping, each time you feel shame rising, and saying aloud to yourself:
"You are human. You are not these actions. You are not your poor decisions. You are a human-being, with flaws. You learn from your flaws, they are not you. You are deserving of Love. I forgive you. I Love you"
Is an incredibly-healing thing. Make up your own mantra, simplify it...
"I love you, and I forgive you".
It's really powerful.
Look in the mirror;
"It's OK. I'm here for you. I Love you. You are growing and those things are behind you".
Give yourself a friend.
Give yourself empathy.
Give yourself forgiveness.
YOU ARE HUMAN.
YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE.
YOU NEED NOT BE ASHAMED.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU ARE GROWING EVERY DAY.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
It is what we do with them that matters most......
Let go of your shame.
It is an anchor.
Felt a lot like you describe....
One thing I learned though; shame is a weapon used on ourselves that keeps us trapped in the very places and behaviors that created the shame in the first place.
One thing you need to do is consciously forgive and let go.
The steps of AA can be very helpful with that.
I also found working with a therapist very helpful.
Development of self-love, compassion, understanding is key.
Even the simple act of consciously stopping, each time you feel shame rising, and saying aloud to yourself:
"You are human. You are not these actions. You are not your poor decisions. You are a human-being, with flaws. You learn from your flaws, they are not you. You are deserving of Love. I forgive you. I Love you"
Is an incredibly-healing thing. Make up your own mantra, simplify it...
"I love you, and I forgive you".
It's really powerful.
Look in the mirror;
"It's OK. I'm here for you. I Love you. You are growing and those things are behind you".
Give yourself a friend.
Give yourself empathy.
Give yourself forgiveness.
YOU ARE HUMAN.
YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE.
YOU NEED NOT BE ASHAMED.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU ARE GROWING EVERY DAY.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
It is what we do with them that matters most......
Let go of your shame.
It is an anchor.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome, Beabetterme.
Before I first got sober, I was caught in that awful cycle of getting drunk, doing things I'd never do sober, and drinking again because I couldn't bear the guilt and shame. It only got worse and worse.
AA helped me tremendously with this and even thought I am a shy and reserved person, being there felt like coming home to me. I finally found somewhere I belonged.
What made me want to try it? When I had hit my bottom and just couldn't take it anymore, I ended up in a detox. The next morning there, a woman came into the kitchen where I was sitting shaking and sweating. She just started talking to me; she was from AA and I don't remember anything she said but 35 years later I still remember this: "One day you will be able to look people in the eye."
That seemed pretty unbelievable but I wanted that so bad that I was willing to give sobriety and AA a try. She was right.
Before I first got sober, I was caught in that awful cycle of getting drunk, doing things I'd never do sober, and drinking again because I couldn't bear the guilt and shame. It only got worse and worse.
AA helped me tremendously with this and even thought I am a shy and reserved person, being there felt like coming home to me. I finally found somewhere I belonged.
What made me want to try it? When I had hit my bottom and just couldn't take it anymore, I ended up in a detox. The next morning there, a woman came into the kitchen where I was sitting shaking and sweating. She just started talking to me; she was from AA and I don't remember anything she said but 35 years later I still remember this: "One day you will be able to look people in the eye."
That seemed pretty unbelievable but I wanted that so bad that I was willing to give sobriety and AA a try. She was right.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: MN
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Beabetterme
Hello,
I'm not new here. Used to be on the board years ago. I lurk often but never post. I finally decided I need to post and when I stayed close to SR in the past it greatly helped with my sobriety. I've been a heavy binge drinker for the last 16 or so years. I drink heavily and the take a few days off and feel good again so I drink again. The only periods of sobriety I have had is months here and there, and of course while I was pregnant.
I have so many reasons not to drink, I really do live a blessed life when I sit down and look around, I'm just internally unhappy with my looks, weight I've gained etc. it literally pains me to be in my own skin.
I do really dumb things when I'm drunk. Write embarrassing posts on Facebook that I feel everyone is talking about me over. Pick arguments on Facebook, just all in all make a big ass out of myself to the point I wish I could just move away and start over. And the I lie, for whatever reason I don't know. Some of the things make me cringe. I'm just a terrible person.
I don't have any friends that don't drink. I'm not big into face to face meeting so I've been going to a few video ones online. Will I ever be able to stay sober and get over all the shame I feel for how I've acted while drunk?
I know if I don't stop I will ruin my family and my health. Thanks for reading this.
I'm not new here. Used to be on the board years ago. I lurk often but never post. I finally decided I need to post and when I stayed close to SR in the past it greatly helped with my sobriety. I've been a heavy binge drinker for the last 16 or so years. I drink heavily and the take a few days off and feel good again so I drink again. The only periods of sobriety I have had is months here and there, and of course while I was pregnant.
I have so many reasons not to drink, I really do live a blessed life when I sit down and look around, I'm just internally unhappy with my looks, weight I've gained etc. it literally pains me to be in my own skin.
I do really dumb things when I'm drunk. Write embarrassing posts on Facebook that I feel everyone is talking about me over. Pick arguments on Facebook, just all in all make a big ass out of myself to the point I wish I could just move away and start over. And the I lie, for whatever reason I don't know. Some of the things make me cringe. I'm just a terrible person.
I don't have any friends that don't drink. I'm not big into face to face meeting so I've been going to a few video ones online. Will I ever be able to stay sober and get over all the shame I feel for how I've acted while drunk?
I know if I don't stop I will ruin my family and my health. Thanks for reading this.
The timing - I was off and on binge drinking in my 20's, got married in 2000 and was daily (except for pregnancy) for years. Off and on trying to stop for the last 3 or 4 years.
I am internally unhappy with my looks, all the weight I have gained, etc as well.
OMG - and the stupid stuff I have done while drinking I could write a book. But the Facebook stuff - exactly me. I have written so much stuff in general and to people that I have been SO totally ashamed of. And yes, I often pick fights with the rest of the crazies on some of the comment sections and pages (and to some of my "friends" who erk me).
Just about all of my friends drink - I can't go to a get together with other moms without the wine being poured in droves. I have no REAL friends and for an extrovert - this has caused me lots of problems.
I feel so much shame. So.....much.....shame. But I know that I will stop doing those things if I don't drink and I hope that the farther away I get from what I have done, the less shame I will feel. And, I know, that I need to start forgiving myself. I am not one to do that. I really hate myself right now.
I think we both can do this! I have faith!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome back and congratulations on Day 1. You can do this, and we are here to offer support.
I truly understand the shame and guilt involved in alcoholism. It was almost overwhelming for me and the hardest thing to get through. But, I did and you can, too. You must now allow those feelings to take over because they will lead you back to drinking. Use the feelings to help you determine to make this work. You never have to go back to that place again.
I truly understand the shame and guilt involved in alcoholism. It was almost overwhelming for me and the hardest thing to get through. But, I did and you can, too. You must now allow those feelings to take over because they will lead you back to drinking. Use the feelings to help you determine to make this work. You never have to go back to that place again.
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