Buckley

I finally reached my low, and admitted to myself that I am powerless over alcohol, and have started attending AA. I have gone everyday (for the last 7 days, so I'm very new), but I am getting so much more out of it than I thought I would. My plan is 90 in 90. I am determined to stay sober this time, both for me and my little boy.

I really like a lot of the people I've met, and several times it was mentioned that I should look into getting a sponsor. While I was discussing it with someone at a meeting last week, this woman offered to be my sponsor, then turned her back to me and continued her conversation with someone else. It was just awkward. I'm already a bit scared and intimidated.

So, we exchanged numbers and met up this past Saturday. She is very nice. I like her. I just don't feel a connection with her, and I'm not sure where to go from here.

She told me the other night that she was talking about me to her husband. That made me a little uncomfortable, because, who else is she talking about me with? I have a 2 1/2 year old son, a full time job, and while I am putting my sobriety FIRST, she just doesn't seem to get it. While my sobriety IS a HUGE priority, so is my son. I can't lie and say that he is my BIGGEST priority. He is the love of my life, and while I know to be a good mom I need to be a sober mom, she just doesn't get it.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful. I am. I am a little more reserved and I just don't feel a spiritual or personal connection to her, and I really want to find that in a sponsor.

SR, please tell me how to gently break up with my sponsor...

48heath

Sorry you have these concerns.

Firstly a sponsor never discusses a sponsee (or anyone else in the fellowship with anyone).That alone would have me looking to find another sponsor.

Look around for another lady whose sobriety is strong,somebody who has worked the steps with a sponsor themselves and still has a sponsor.

There is a very good AA pamphlet on sponsorship,you can find it online.

The best way to deal with it is to tell her you are looking for another sponsor, it happens all the time, people change sponsors for all sorts of reasons.

Wishing you well.

Buckley

Thank you so much. I'm glad I'm not being overly sensitive about her talking about me to her husband. It was just a bit of a shock; they were actually talking about what I do for a living. Which isn't a big deal, it's no secret, but what else are they talking about? And like I said, who else are they talking about it with?

When you say "strong" sobriety, can you explain what you mean by that? What do you consider strong?

Thanks again!

january161992

on the flip side

ive had many sponsees break up with me

usually the guy says that he found someone who is a better fit

a better wrench for this nut

my experience is that things go better with honesty

january161992

in classic aa it means someone who is actually working the program

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power

entropy1964

Hmmm. I definitely think talking with the husband, and so casually mentioning that, is not right. Have you told her how you feel? Just be straight up, tell her you don't feel there's a fit and move on. If you're sensitive and diplomatic, how she reacts is up to her.

Regarding your son being P1? I don't think you ever have to feel you need to explain that to anyone. I know I have to be honest with myself. My daughter is P1....except when I'm drinking. Then alcohol is P1, because? I'm an alcoholic, that's because. Sooooo I have to make sure I don't use my child as a 'reason' to not be all in with my program. That's just me.

I suggest maybe getting a temporary sponsor. Tell them that you'd like to get to know each other a bit before you both commit. If you're looking for some kind of connection after only one meeting? That's asking a lot at least in my opinion. I want someone who has the kind of sobriety that I want. I want someone who knows how to guide me through the steps. Connection? If that comes over time, great. Otherwise my program connection is with my higher power.

D122y

Buckley,

I'm sober 18 mo. And i have no sponsor at AA.

Still looking.

Still content and sober.

SR can offer a ton of guidance, just like a sponser w out the potential drama.

When i was just started out potential sponsors would offer guidance that seemed cryptic. They are busy....i am busy. I wasn't going insane at that point, thanks to SR.

SR saved me. There are a bunch of high time AA sponsors here ready to offer pointed guidance...imo.

Thanks.

Berrybean

Well, I'd say that unless you feel you can trust this person it's pretty pointless having her as a sponsor. I'm all for getting a sponsor early on, but you do need to get a feel for the people at the meetings, how they get on with other people, what their sobriety is like, etc. I get the impression from your post that you don't feel that way yet about the people you've met - and I'd suggest respecting those feelings.

You don't need to commit to anyone as a sponsor just yet. Why not just collect numbers; use the numbers to call and chat to people and see who is really available to chat when it actually comes to it (lots of people end up overstretching themselves out of good intentions - I've done it myself a few times), and who says things in a way that you 'get'. Build up your AA support network, listen to other people talk about their experiences and what they've got from working the program. Eventually you'll find someone you like and respect and who 'has what you want' in sobriety. They will be the person to ask.

Enjoy your 90 in 90. Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

CAPTAINZING2000

When you mentioned 90 meetings in 90 days, how many different meeting sites would that be?

That many meetings might give you a better idea by listening to different women.
Perhaps, you don't have flexibility in your time schedule but, I found it helpful to meet with people for coffee after a meeting.
If they talk the talk, do they walk the walk outside the rooms?

Bunny211

Doesn't sound like a good fit.
I would thank her for her help but tell her that you are looking for something different, have found another sponsor etc. Whatever is true.
I've been fired by a couple of sponsees. It's fine. It's their recovery, not mine. It's your recovery - not hers.
Don't overthink things.
I'm sure she has been fired before - and she will be fired again.

Irnldy001

I have a slightly different perspective. I have a sponsor that I adore. She will mention to me that she was working with another sponsee (never uses their names) and what they were working on (when it's pertinent to my story or situation). She will also tell me that she mentioned something I said to her husband (who's also in recovery), but I know that she never uses my name - she's using my story to point something out to him. She's in my eyes a role model in AA - she lives and breathes her life in AA.

That said, she is not my first sponsor. I had a sponsor before who was very motherly. Overly motherly. I found the relationship and her tone to be toxic. It was hard to move away from her but I had to. I have my own mother and my own issues with her to deal with.

I was one year sober when I asked my current sponsor to be my sponsor. We had known each other from a year of AA meetings, I liked her, and I knew her to be an active and mature sponsor. I was also at the point of being strong enough to work with someone who had high expectations of me and was diligent at working me through the steps. Sometimes like just last night, we had a chat just about what's going on in our lives right now, sort of like friends. But it's very clear when we are in business mode.

I guess it's like a lot of relationships - you will know when it's right. In my home group we have the tradition of finding a temporary sponsor when you first join (with the understanding that you can ask that temp to help transition you to someone else at any point). It helps newcomers to get connected quickly without adding the pressure of a new person thinking they must stick with the first person who becomes the sponsor.

You can and should be honest with this lady who clearly means well. Tell her what made you uncomfortable. Ask her why she brought you up and discussed you - listen to her answer. If it still strikes you wrong, then you will know. Becoming honest and dealing with others honestly is part of the mission and she should understand that.

Congrats on a week sober, that is awesome. You will find your way.

Anna

I have no experience with sponsors, but I do hope you find someone you are comfortable with.

Maudcat

Not a good fit, I don't think. Confidentiality is sacred in AA and Al-Anon fellowships (my only frames of reference). And you should feel a connection with your sponsor. Someone who has a lot of sober time, and who "gets" you. Sponsors don't have to be warm and fuzzy--often they are the opposite! Lol. But they should be caring and should genuinely want to help. If you're not feelin' it, well...that's something to pay attention to, pardon my grammar. Good luck.

Buckley

So far I've been to two different places, and planning on finding more meetings. I like meeting new people!

FreedomCA

I agree with this in the 15 years I have been in and out of the rooms. Sponsors have a lot of POTENTIAL drama that can really stress you out and make sobriety less content. I am working the steps from an online booklet that is fabulous and plan on sharing my stepwork with a very close AA buddy who I am accountable to but don't want to ask her to be my sponsor and change the dynamic of our effective AA buddy relationship. In fact, the booklet says to share stepwork with sponsor or AA buddy. So my current plan in sobriety is meetings, steps, SR, service and Higher Power but no sponsor at this time, just my real close AA buddy. Hope that helps!

Oh, forgot to mention. Someone may say no wonder you have been in and out for 15 years, you don't like to have sponsors. My relapses came when I stopped going to meetings and working the program and enhancing my spiritual life. IMO, not having s sponsor was not part of the relapse.

sugarbear1

I am so very different than my sponsor and the sponsor who guided me through the steps the first time....(she lived in another state, but helped me when I needed it the most and that second sponsor was helping me out also and still does....)

The point is is that my sponsor is (although not a "great fit") able to guide me through the steps which helped me to have a spiritual awakening/experience.

For a great fit, I have a few very close friends. Over 5 years sober today ( I once made it to 3 years without working those steps, so that can also be done, but I eventually drank again and made a mess out of my life).

August252015

I bolded portions of this because much of it is similar to my experience.

I didn't get my first sponsor til 97 days. I am 241 (8 mos, yay!) sober tomorrow. I got my second sponsor- who is much like described above as a mature, strong AA-er and a woman I got to know through my home group, which is a small co-ed group that operates in a lot of ways as friends in and out of our room- and she has also become a friend. I started working with her around 5 mo. My first sponsor was VERY rigid and did one invaluable thing for me: she taught me how to study the BB and how to learn, and helped me develop routine. How I do my daily devotionals and structure my program time (in addition to a meeting, which I do typically 4-6 a week now) I spend about two or so hours on recovery work, every day. I had this foundation going into my current sponsor relationship. With my current sponsor, our focus is on my emotional sobriety and navigating the best possible sober life. This includes discussion about, well, everything. I am ready and able to have this kind of sponsor-sponsee friendship at this point in my recovery.

In other parts of the above, there are some similarities and some differences for me- because my sponsor does discuss me and others much like described here - but I also know her fiance personally, and she knows my boyfriend (also in recovery) and has met my parents. I know her other sponsee (also in our group) but my sponsor protects that woman's privacy by not discussing specifics so what I know about this woman is from what she herself shares, and from the small amount my sponsor shares about what her role as a sponsor is in general, and to each of us in our unique situations. Our whole group dynamic may be a little unusual; it is certainly different from the other, very large clubhouse that I went to at first (i did about 90 in 90, maybe 82) and still attend once a week or so.

All of this is really to say that a sponsor is very important, and everyone's relationship is different. I don't believe in hard and fast rules but I DO believe in the AA adage to find the people who have what you want. If a sponsor makes you feel uncomfortable and the reasons are legit (ie, I questioned whether I was balking at and struggling with my first sponsor for valid reasons or because I wanted an easier/softer way, so to speak) then another better fit is surely out there. It is perfectly ok to "break up with" a sponsor.

You are off to a great start- your son, your job, your health, everything in your life will benefit from your continued sobriety. If this woman isn't for you- sounds like she isn't- then look and listen for someone who could be better. Just keep not drinking! Learning to stand up for what we need, and whom we seek to get it from, is part of recovery. You can do it.

Hope to see you around.