Addict's Selective Memory
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Addict's Selective Memory
I posted something sometime recently about my addiction to cocaine, which went hand in hand with alcohol. I did coke regularly many years ago and stopped that in 2003 when by the grace of a higher power I was late to a drug deal and showed up to find my dealer getting arrested. I saw the cop cars and just kept driving. I white knuckled that and stopped cold turkey. Then I did it again several years later at a NYE party for NY 2005-2006. I posted I believe that that was the last time I did it. Well, thanks to Facebook, I realized today that that was not true. The last time I did coke was actually two years ago today. And that threw me for a major loop just now. The way I lie, to myself, is terrifying to me. How could I have forgotten?
Two years ago today, I met a then-coworker who was based in Miami and was doing some work in Orlando, where I lived at the time. We met at a restaurant and had dinner, then he wanted to go to a bar and have some drinks (after lots of wine at dinner). I took him to a bar and at the bar, he talked to someone who had cocaine. I was pretty lit at this point and went with him to this house, got this cocaine, and went to another house where we snorted cocaine and drank some more. Oh, some really crappy stuff happened. It wasn't bad, just some stuff that was hard to remember, that I almost did, and I can't believe how different I am when I'm messed up. Anyway my coworker slept on my couch and went to work the next day. I remember being shocked that he could do that but I guess he saved some blow to do on his way in to work. He was fired not long after because he refused to go to treatment which the company offered him when it became clear at work that he had a drug problem.
I woke up that morning and decided to put it behind me. I never allowed myself to think about what the hell I was thinking, doing that. I felt pretty awful physically for a number of days because despite not being a regular coke user for over a decade at that point, I feel withdrawals, and a strong desire to do it again right away. I had to hold myself back, and felt all the typical "coke depression" I did when I kicked the first time. To me, there is no such thing as a lapse as opposed to relapse. When I was doing blow that night in 2014 I was right back to where I left off in 2005, where I was right where I left off in 2003. And it was HORRIBLE.
What I never thought about, or gave any attention to, was the role that booze plays in that. And how booze makes me really vulnerable to do horrible things, and let horrible things be done to me. Sarah Hepola writes in her book that women often have horrible things be done to them under the influence and that is true. There's a strange line where consent begins and ends.
Anyway I wanted to share this. I hope it isn't too weird, I feel very vulnerable. What drove me to do it is that 1) I am a little weirded out that I FORGOT about it, and it was Facebook Memories that made me remember (my coworker had tagged me at the restaurant two years ago where we initially got together) and 2) I am beginning to do some work on myself where I am facing some of the things I have done, so that I can accept them. While I am kind of freaked out that I have this ability to "write off" or "forget" some of these experiences, I am also really, really grateful that I never have to do them again. I will not drink today. I have not drank in almost ten weeks. I haven't done drugs in two years. So, unknowingly, this is my two years without coke.
I want to own this milestone. It matters to me. Two years ago today I almost did something for which I would feel unspeakably ashamed, and I almost did it because I was drunk and high and the person I am had shut herself behind a locked door, by choice, by choosing to get high and drunk. Two years ago today I did not wake up thinking that I would end up at 5 AM in a drug dealer's house, in this sketchy situation. I ended up there because I chose to become inebriated and as such chose to "just let things happen". I didn't know that I had this milestone because I really effectively FORGOT about this. Today I am sober. I won't drink today, and I won't do drugs. I will go to work and walk my dog and make dinner and be very grateful for this life that God gave me. I hope I don't have any other selective memory issues but I'm thankful that if I do, I have a safe space to talk about it.
Has anyone else had something like this, where you just blot out something because you didn't want to accept it?
Two years ago today, I met a then-coworker who was based in Miami and was doing some work in Orlando, where I lived at the time. We met at a restaurant and had dinner, then he wanted to go to a bar and have some drinks (after lots of wine at dinner). I took him to a bar and at the bar, he talked to someone who had cocaine. I was pretty lit at this point and went with him to this house, got this cocaine, and went to another house where we snorted cocaine and drank some more. Oh, some really crappy stuff happened. It wasn't bad, just some stuff that was hard to remember, that I almost did, and I can't believe how different I am when I'm messed up. Anyway my coworker slept on my couch and went to work the next day. I remember being shocked that he could do that but I guess he saved some blow to do on his way in to work. He was fired not long after because he refused to go to treatment which the company offered him when it became clear at work that he had a drug problem.
I woke up that morning and decided to put it behind me. I never allowed myself to think about what the hell I was thinking, doing that. I felt pretty awful physically for a number of days because despite not being a regular coke user for over a decade at that point, I feel withdrawals, and a strong desire to do it again right away. I had to hold myself back, and felt all the typical "coke depression" I did when I kicked the first time. To me, there is no such thing as a lapse as opposed to relapse. When I was doing blow that night in 2014 I was right back to where I left off in 2005, where I was right where I left off in 2003. And it was HORRIBLE.
What I never thought about, or gave any attention to, was the role that booze plays in that. And how booze makes me really vulnerable to do horrible things, and let horrible things be done to me. Sarah Hepola writes in her book that women often have horrible things be done to them under the influence and that is true. There's a strange line where consent begins and ends.
Anyway I wanted to share this. I hope it isn't too weird, I feel very vulnerable. What drove me to do it is that 1) I am a little weirded out that I FORGOT about it, and it was Facebook Memories that made me remember (my coworker had tagged me at the restaurant two years ago where we initially got together) and 2) I am beginning to do some work on myself where I am facing some of the things I have done, so that I can accept them. While I am kind of freaked out that I have this ability to "write off" or "forget" some of these experiences, I am also really, really grateful that I never have to do them again. I will not drink today. I have not drank in almost ten weeks. I haven't done drugs in two years. So, unknowingly, this is my two years without coke.
I want to own this milestone. It matters to me. Two years ago today I almost did something for which I would feel unspeakably ashamed, and I almost did it because I was drunk and high and the person I am had shut herself behind a locked door, by choice, by choosing to get high and drunk. Two years ago today I did not wake up thinking that I would end up at 5 AM in a drug dealer's house, in this sketchy situation. I ended up there because I chose to become inebriated and as such chose to "just let things happen". I didn't know that I had this milestone because I really effectively FORGOT about this. Today I am sober. I won't drink today, and I won't do drugs. I will go to work and walk my dog and make dinner and be very grateful for this life that God gave me. I hope I don't have any other selective memory issues but I'm thankful that if I do, I have a safe space to talk about it.
Has anyone else had something like this, where you just blot out something because you didn't want to accept it?
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Has anyone else had something like this, where you just blot out something because you didn't want to accept it?
Oh for sure. You are not alone. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions big time so doing things I would never otherwise do? Yep. Often. Its a major reason I never want to drink again.
I went to court today for a misdemeanor. I did something I would NEVER do when sober. NEVER. Ugh. Really it wasn't a big deal....on paper. But I know what drove me to do what I did. I know all the gory details of the few days that led up to it. Well, I kinda know and kinda don't because I blacked out a lot of it (not 'forgot' but literally have no memory of). So, the charge was reduced, I was fined and I'm off on my merry way. But I feel so much shame because I know the state of mind I was in and I know it could have been so much worse. I was lucky as heck.
And yes, I never have to do anything like that again. As long as I don't drink no matter what.
Thanks for sharing.
Oh for sure. You are not alone. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions big time so doing things I would never otherwise do? Yep. Often. Its a major reason I never want to drink again.
I went to court today for a misdemeanor. I did something I would NEVER do when sober. NEVER. Ugh. Really it wasn't a big deal....on paper. But I know what drove me to do what I did. I know all the gory details of the few days that led up to it. Well, I kinda know and kinda don't because I blacked out a lot of it (not 'forgot' but literally have no memory of). So, the charge was reduced, I was fined and I'm off on my merry way. But I feel so much shame because I know the state of mind I was in and I know it could have been so much worse. I was lucky as heck.
And yes, I never have to do anything like that again. As long as I don't drink no matter what.
Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for sharing. I can imagine how you must have felt to see that picture in Facebook and have that experience literally come back to haunt you.
I can certainly relate. As women there are all these layers as we recover and realize how incredibly dangerous some situations truly were while we were drunk or high - I am sure our brains do try to bury these memories because they are so scary.
I can certainly relate. As women there are all these layers as we recover and realize how incredibly dangerous some situations truly were while we were drunk or high - I am sure our brains do try to bury these memories because they are so scary.
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yes.
i met a former long-time friend of mine to make an amend, and during that amend she asked me if i didn't remember the letter i had sent her. letter??? what letter??? the one where i told her she wasn't up to my standards of being good friend material, and then went on to say....that one. all sealed and nicely mailed, duly arrived at her house.
no memory whatsoever. of thinking that, or writing it, going to a mailbox....nada.
better on this side, yes?
i met a former long-time friend of mine to make an amend, and during that amend she asked me if i didn't remember the letter i had sent her. letter??? what letter??? the one where i told her she wasn't up to my standards of being good friend material, and then went on to say....that one. all sealed and nicely mailed, duly arrived at her house.
no memory whatsoever. of thinking that, or writing it, going to a mailbox....nada.
better on this side, yes?
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Oh yeah. Yikes better on this side for sure. Yep. Lots I don't remember because I choose not to.
I posted last week or sometime about some memories poking their way at the edges of my brain. The more I look into myself the more I see the horrible things I did to myself and the horrible positions I put myself in.
There were about 10 times that I should have been dead. 1 time for sure.
Too many times to count where there was a non-consensual involved. Not I was passed put and take advantage of. Men just don't believe a No coming out of a drunk womans mouth I guess. Or have no respect for a drunk woman's body.
Ugh yuck. Some of this stuff has happened regardless of drinking. But yeah. I hate thinking about it. I hate the random remembers. I hate the stuff I don't remember that I've put permanent delete on in my head that people tell me about later.
It's all the peeling back of the onion layers of recovery and feels like hitting a rotted layer that I just don't want to touch.
I posted last week or sometime about some memories poking their way at the edges of my brain. The more I look into myself the more I see the horrible things I did to myself and the horrible positions I put myself in.
There were about 10 times that I should have been dead. 1 time for sure.
Too many times to count where there was a non-consensual involved. Not I was passed put and take advantage of. Men just don't believe a No coming out of a drunk womans mouth I guess. Or have no respect for a drunk woman's body.
Ugh yuck. Some of this stuff has happened regardless of drinking. But yeah. I hate thinking about it. I hate the random remembers. I hate the stuff I don't remember that I've put permanent delete on in my head that people tell me about later.
It's all the peeling back of the onion layers of recovery and feels like hitting a rotted layer that I just don't want to touch.
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Thank you for sharing! I feel you 100000%. I have such selective memory when it comes to drinking. Some time ago I had forgotten about a whole 6 months where i would drink vodka almost everyday! When I would think about my drinking history I would never factor in that 6 months. My mind had just swept it aside & when it hit me randomly one day i was like oh my goodness!!!! I was SHAKEN! The mind of an alcoholic can be very VERY cunning & dangerous. It's as if the alcoholic me wanted to fool the sober me that I haven't been binge drinking thaaatt long, so it's okay to keep drinking. Smh! Now I have moments of serious reflection, what else am I hiding from myself?
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Regarding the dangerous situations we women put ourselves in while drunk, i am all to familiar so i know exactly where you are coming from. I have been to the shadiest places & dealt with the sketchiest people while I was drunk. I have no fear when I am drunk, which is very dangerous! I have woken up after certain encounters & felt not quite right, but I had been too drunk to make heads or tails of consent issues & whatnot so I would just let it go. I have had soooo many blackouts I can't count, so half the time I woke up in random places or in the hospital not knowing if someone did something to me that I simply have no memory of. It's all quite disturbing & unbelievable when I write it down like this & really think about it. What happened to me during all my blackouts?
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Yeah, I'm starting to remember some things I had swept under the rug. Things I just did not want to think about at the time, because it would have meant admitting to myself that I truly had a drinking problem that needed to be addressed. Most of the situations I put myself in were stupid and embarrassing, but some were downright dangerous. At the time, I would minimize these things - "nothing really bad happened, so I can just try to forget about it." Or "maybe no one will find out." What I didn't take into account was how much psychic damage I was doing to myself by minimizing and lying to myself and other people. Recovering physically from the effects of years of alcoholism is relatively easy compared to recovering emotionally and psychologically.
Glad I don't have to drink anymore and take stupid risks and add to the emotional baggage.
Glad I don't have to drink anymore and take stupid risks and add to the emotional baggage.
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Originally Posted by MLD51 
What I didn't take into account was how much psychic damage I was doing to myself by minimizing and lying to myself and other people. Recovering physically from the effects of years of alcoholism is relatively easy compared to recovering emotionally and psychologically.
I had this narrative that I wasn't really doing anything damaging, but right now, I'm realizing how debilitating it really was. This incident two years ago was pretty bad, but even just rotting on my front stoop with a box of wine, not interacting with anyone, was psychically damaging. Ten weeks ago when I stopped drinking I was concerned about my appearance, my energy levels, hangovers, etc, but failed to really think about what the simple act of drinking alcoholically every single day for 15 years does to one's identity imprinted in memory, to one's emotional habits, what we expect, etc. In other words, permanent brain chemistry. It's more than a little astonishing. Me, who I am, sober, would not even dream of doing what I did that night. I'm not talking about a few drinks and then some off key karaoke. And then all the times I woke up in strangers' beds, or remembered saying something awful... but then denial kicks in and I just wipe it out of my head. Denial is different. It's not forgetting. Forgetting is leaving my car keys on the counter when I leave the house. Forgetting is "oh, whoops". Denial is like concealing a psychological crime scene.
Maybe in some way, I've been thinking that "I'm not that bad" or something. I think that seeing how thick this denial is has killed that, and I'm just really shaken. If my life had manageable moments, it wasn't functionally manageable. It was lucky. I was lucky to make it here.
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Denial is like concealing a psychological crime scene.
Exactly. I can't count how many days I'd wake up and feel absolutely shredded mentally. For a long time, I was able to cover up the crime scene and function as if nothing really bad was happening. Eventually, the clues became overwhelming evidence and I began to have suicidal thoughts. That was scary - but even admitting that to myself or anyone seemed impossible. I went on for another year or so wondering if it would be better if I were simply gone from the world. I didn't know how to extricate myself from the emotional quicksand. It's not easy - it's hard work to clean up the crime scenes I created in the real world (I didn't hurt anyone physically, but I did get arrested for drunk driving 3 times), and in my own head. But - I know it's worth it and I'll keep plugging away.
Exactly. I can't count how many days I'd wake up and feel absolutely shredded mentally. For a long time, I was able to cover up the crime scene and function as if nothing really bad was happening. Eventually, the clues became overwhelming evidence and I began to have suicidal thoughts. That was scary - but even admitting that to myself or anyone seemed impossible. I went on for another year or so wondering if it would be better if I were simply gone from the world. I didn't know how to extricate myself from the emotional quicksand. It's not easy - it's hard work to clean up the crime scenes I created in the real world (I didn't hurt anyone physically, but I did get arrested for drunk driving 3 times), and in my own head. But - I know it's worth it and I'll keep plugging away.
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