Dee74

The only problem I have relying on something like Kudzu is if you forget to take it, will that make you think a relapse is more likely?

D

Midwest1981

HI winslow- keep pushing through. I am wishing you the best!

Winslow

Thanks Midwest and Dee ugh,the kudzu is a no go! I forgot that it revs up my anxiety and I'm not about to go through that again! It's such an unnatural electric like feeling running through my whole body, no way,work was pretty quiet as my shop is only a few blocks away from UNLV where they're holding the last debate tonight, had a bunch of streets blocked off so I'm sure people couldn't be bothered to come in,I feel ok,very resolved that this is my quit that sticks, I'll do whatever it takes to not give into drinking again

Dee74

Sorry about the kudzu but reaching out for help really works in my experience Winslow

D

Winslow

I will reach out for help Dee,I'm really trying to immerse myself here,get more involved, practice a grateful way of thinking and not take so much for granted, read,read,read all of the stickies and other parts of the forum,keep up on my handwritten journal, lay low on the sugar, relax,know that I don't have to do everything all at once...that's all for now but there's gonna be more

suzie89

Thinking of you, Winslow. Tomorrow is a week, right? Way to push through. Crazy about the debate being so close to you. I'll watch part of it with my daughters but only because we like to compare to the Sat Night live version 😉
Stay strong, lots of us wishing you the best.

charliesworld

Hi Winslow. Sorry I've been very self centered the last couple of days. How are you today? x

Winslow

Hi guys actually feel like a human today so that's good, had to drive up by the Hard Rock hotel after work to give my oldest daughter some birthday money, she's 26 today, how time flies! She's a bit of a wild child and I wonder if my drinking contributed to it but when I look back she's always been like that, I didn't start until she was about 14 or so but still I guess I'll never know, had a really awesome dream about a crystal in my brain twinkling, it was a beautiful light blue and it told me I could stay sober this time, I posted this in the Oct16 thread cuz it was so amazing and powerful, made me feel confident and serene this morning, maybe I'm finally going nuts or have that wet brain thing drinkers get? Or maybe God sent it to me for extra enforcement? Or maybe it was just a dream but it was a wonderful gem

Winslow

Last week at this time I was sitting on my couch detoxing desperate to feel normal again, today I went to Wal-Mart to get my daughter some birthday stuff,went to the99 cent store, went to lunch at this great place called Pizza Rev,we stopped and bought a new car seat for my g-son,came home and I cleaned a bit,dyed my hair, made cookies,got 12,000 steps on fitbit, so a pretty decent day when all I could do last week is lay there drinking water and praying some food would stay down/in,a little bit of brain fog and a "meh" feeling but nothing major, no thinking or cravings for alcohol, this guy in front of me at the gas station was buying 2 tall cans and all I could think of is how sad that wouldn't be enough for me so why bother?

Winslow

October 24,exactly one year since I started seriously trying to quit drinking, had nearly 5 months until I drank in March, then in April drank again, quit until August so out of 365 days 23 of those days I drank, not perfect but I'm making progress, none of those days were fun or worth it, just sickness disguised as a bud light can,sadness, regret, stupidity, etc,this past weekend we celebrated my daughter's birthday, when I picked her and her boyfriend up I could smell the booze on their breath, it didn't bother me that they drank, the part that did bother me was I know that if I drank before going somewhere, I'd need to take along something so I could"top off" throughout, why? It's almost like my body processes the alcohol so fast that it's burning off as soon as I start, awakening that crave and desire, definitely realized that I'm different when it comes to alcohol, of course I know I have no off switch but to be so enslaved after a sip is very scary! I'm starting to understand my relationship with alcohol better, how sick it makes me, how unhappy, how it just doesn't work anymore like the AV tells me it will,learning stuff as I go I guess.

Midwest1981

Winslow- you sound really good. I am glad!!

btw - my family bought Cher tickets for Feb. They are pretty excited. They got reservations at where she is performing.

Winslow

2 weeks ago I was on the couch detoxing, today I went to the dollar store for last minute Halloween stuff,went to a yummy pizza place with two of my daughters,son and g-son,got nearly 13,000 steps on fitbit, enjoyed the rainy weather and just being grateful for peace, no cravings or thinking about al at all,been reading around and posting more,did a crash course on AVRT again last night to refresh my memory, all is bueno in Winslows world atm Midwest, your family will have fun at the Cher concert,supposed to be a real nice arena they just built up there

Winslow

On day 5 again

suzie89

I'm so glad you are back, Winslow.

Delilah1

Glad you are back Winslow!

Dee74

what happens before you drink again Winslow - do you give yourself permission to drink?

D

Juno11

Add me to the list of people that are glad you're back

Winslow

Thanks guys,Dee,the first day I drank I wrestled back and forth in my mind,I kept playing the tape through and knew I didn't want to go back there,I was driving my daughter to the airport and on the way home I just couldn't shake the sadness and feeling like I just wanted to buy beer, listen to music and cry,I passed many gas stations on the way home and I considered stopping but said"no!"kept driving telling myself that I'd be fine once I was home,I took some chicken out of the oven and was just gonna start eating but in the end I just said the heck with it! Drank then drank the next day,found out my mom and brother were coming down and I know what a heavy drinker my mom is so I just kept going, found out my brother is out there mentally, he's following some spiritual leader off the internet who believes in mermaids and fairies, it freaked me out,kept drinking, then the election happened and I kept drinking through that,ALWAYS an excuse! I don't know what to do different this time, I won't do AA,I've been and I just don't jive with it,quitting has to come from inside of ME,that's the bottom line, I just got to get my mojo back like I had before, this last binge was the worst in almost two years.

Mklove

Winslow, you are on track to quit. You have the underlying feelings that would make recovery possible. Knowing you have an issue, you know your triggers and you have some support. I would recommend you develop a real plan, people on here recommended Smart recovery because their tools are good. That paired with this site helped me. I have to re-evaluate the plan and my "triggers" every so often but it's been 120+days for me and I never thought that would happen, good luck!

Midwest1981

I am glad you are back Winslow. I really think you are close to quitting for good. Remember HALT and look for your triggers. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and then do whatever you have to do to get through the wanting it.

6 days is a good start.