No longer numbed and reality is crashing in.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Good to meet you, Bulgakova.
I love your post & the responses - very helpful. I felt the same as most. Never learned to cope without my 'buffer' - didn't mature normally or allow myself to experience the peaks & valleys of life. The first few months off alcohol I was disoriented & resentful. Gradually, everything changed. I grew comfortable & happy with my new life - thankful to finally be free. You will get there.
I love your post & the responses - very helpful. I felt the same as most. Never learned to cope without my 'buffer' - didn't mature normally or allow myself to experience the peaks & valleys of life. The first few months off alcohol I was disoriented & resentful. Gradually, everything changed. I grew comfortable & happy with my new life - thankful to finally be free. You will get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 31
Good news to report-- stayed out of bed yesterday. Hahaha gold star for me.... 
Had a quiet evening by the fire reading about cognitive therapy while my toddler played. It was the most normal thing ever. I'm starting to think that normal is the new high.
As Firstymer mentioned about cravings hitting... I'm waiting for that b@&* with a baseball bat. I had been there... First time I quit drinking is when we decided to have a child. 3 months before trying to conceive, to clean up, then the pregnancy, and 10 months of breast feeding. Had quit the cigarettes too.
Interesting how much easier it had been that time. I guess because I had a clear goal, then hormones. The type of hormones that make you build a crib out of a stack of maple, renovate the whole house, get into nutrition, and knit blankets... But that didn't last as it was situational. As soon as I was done breast feeding, it was over. Jumped back on the booze in a matter of weeks, to then be the worst I had ever been.
I had been a drinker and druggy for 18 years before that, and had only ever day drank camping. Never drove after a single drink. That changed that go. I became the type of drunk my younger self would have called disgusting.
I may be wrong, but I feel like an extrinsic motivator is nice and all, but insufficient. Yes, parenting is a very strong reason to stay away from the sauce, but it'll never be enough alone-- what if he goes to the grandparents for a week? Summer camp? There's a sitter and we are at a wedding?
I've been working at cultivating strong intrinsic motivation. Sobriety isn't as boring as I thought... the cognitive functioning that I had lost had become a big problem. As a cerebral being, getting flustered following a recipe, or loosing my tools every ten seconds in the shop, being unable to pick up a book... I had been a nerdy being my whole life, and loosing that identity has been a problem.
Anyway, slice of life... but yeah... getting ready for that sledgehammer.
Thanks again folks, I appreciate this a whole lot.
Had a quiet evening by the fire reading about cognitive therapy while my toddler played. It was the most normal thing ever. I'm starting to think that normal is the new high.
As Firstymer mentioned about cravings hitting... I'm waiting for that b@&* with a baseball bat. I had been there... First time I quit drinking is when we decided to have a child. 3 months before trying to conceive, to clean up, then the pregnancy, and 10 months of breast feeding. Had quit the cigarettes too.
Interesting how much easier it had been that time. I guess because I had a clear goal, then hormones. The type of hormones that make you build a crib out of a stack of maple, renovate the whole house, get into nutrition, and knit blankets... But that didn't last as it was situational. As soon as I was done breast feeding, it was over. Jumped back on the booze in a matter of weeks, to then be the worst I had ever been.
I had been a drinker and druggy for 18 years before that, and had only ever day drank camping. Never drove after a single drink. That changed that go. I became the type of drunk my younger self would have called disgusting.
I may be wrong, but I feel like an extrinsic motivator is nice and all, but insufficient. Yes, parenting is a very strong reason to stay away from the sauce, but it'll never be enough alone-- what if he goes to the grandparents for a week? Summer camp? There's a sitter and we are at a wedding?
I've been working at cultivating strong intrinsic motivation. Sobriety isn't as boring as I thought... the cognitive functioning that I had lost had become a big problem. As a cerebral being, getting flustered following a recipe, or loosing my tools every ten seconds in the shop, being unable to pick up a book... I had been a nerdy being my whole life, and loosing that identity has been a problem.
Anyway, slice of life... but yeah... getting ready for that sledgehammer.
Thanks again folks, I appreciate this a whole lot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Darwinia 
We are all different with our own struggles. Sounds like you are really thinking about this. For me now after 5 months of not drinking it is more difficult. Don't really know when it gets better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Welcome Bulgakova. I really enjoyed reading your posts. Reading about the physiology behind addiction helped. I devoured Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham in the first days of sobriety and that affected me greatly. It helped me appreciate and accept that there is a significant likelihood that I am physically different from "normal" drinkers. I was really okay with that. More than okay - I was sort of relieved as I could finally accept that for the sake of my health I would never drink again.
I was pretty shaky in the first days of sobriety. I had a look back at what I wrote in the class of December 2015 thread on my Day 9:
Day 9 for me. Tough couple of days. Had severely moody periods at work yesterday, even though it wasn't particularly stressful.
I travelled to visit family over the Christmas period that year. I stayed close to them. I slept a lot. I didn't go out much. On New Year's Eve, I travelled home and went to bed at 9 pm.
There was so much rewiring going on, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Emotionally, I was suffering anxiety in a way I had not recognised before (it was different from my alcohol induced anxiety - more generalised). That calmed down a bit after 2-3 months and then would spike every now and again in certain settings. I'm still dealing with it, but it's better than how I felt drinking.
Physically, I was fortunate not to suffer severe withdrawals. I put that down to the fact that I was a steady everyday drinker (so was not going through daily withdrawals). I was just on the brink of needing to drink early in the day to stave off anxiety and shakes but stopped before that happened. My sleeping patterns were off for a couple of months but they settled down. I saw many physical improvements almost immediately. I'm a runner and my speed, strength and stamina got a huge boost within a couple of weeks.
Mentally. Oh boy. I was so happy celebrating the feeling of being clear-minded and not hungover for a change that I didn't realise there were moments of extreme vagueness and forgetfulness. Looking back I had those for the first 2-3 months too.
Dunno if any of that helps or interests you. But welcome and all the best to you on this great journey. I don't tell many people but putting down the drink was hands down the BEST decision of my life.
I was pretty shaky in the first days of sobriety. I had a look back at what I wrote in the class of December 2015 thread on my Day 9:
Day 9 for me. Tough couple of days. Had severely moody periods at work yesterday, even though it wasn't particularly stressful.
I travelled to visit family over the Christmas period that year. I stayed close to them. I slept a lot. I didn't go out much. On New Year's Eve, I travelled home and went to bed at 9 pm.
There was so much rewiring going on, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Emotionally, I was suffering anxiety in a way I had not recognised before (it was different from my alcohol induced anxiety - more generalised). That calmed down a bit after 2-3 months and then would spike every now and again in certain settings. I'm still dealing with it, but it's better than how I felt drinking.
Physically, I was fortunate not to suffer severe withdrawals. I put that down to the fact that I was a steady everyday drinker (so was not going through daily withdrawals). I was just on the brink of needing to drink early in the day to stave off anxiety and shakes but stopped before that happened. My sleeping patterns were off for a couple of months but they settled down. I saw many physical improvements almost immediately. I'm a runner and my speed, strength and stamina got a huge boost within a couple of weeks.
Mentally. Oh boy. I was so happy celebrating the feeling of being clear-minded and not hungover for a change that I didn't realise there were moments of extreme vagueness and forgetfulness. Looking back I had those for the first 2-3 months too.
Dunno if any of that helps or interests you. But welcome and all the best to you on this great journey. I don't tell many people but putting down the drink was hands down the BEST decision of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I remember feeling a lot of that same stuff.
Therapy helped.
Journaling helped.
Exercise helped.
AA helped.
Talking about it helped.
Sharing here helped.
Time helped.
Above all.... doing all of those things and STAYING SOBER helped.
It gets better, and you will find that life becomes beautiful and you wake to a whole new world. Keep at it.
Therapy helped.
Journaling helped.
Exercise helped.
AA helped.
Talking about it helped.
Sharing here helped.
Time helped.
Above all.... doing all of those things and STAYING SOBER helped.
It gets better, and you will find that life becomes beautiful and you wake to a whole new world. Keep at it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 60
Just wanted to thank all posters on this thread and particularly Bulgakova. I am on day 23 and maybe a week ago I started to have clarity and although I am no expert I think there is a lot to be said for focusing on the positives in life rather than the negatives. I spent some time with a therapist last week and a lot of my issues with drinking were work related where I would beat myself up on the one thing that went wrong as opposed to the 10 great things I did.
Once again thanks Bulgakova and everyone else who has posted on this thread.
Once again thanks Bulgakova and everyone else who has posted on this thread.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Good posts, all.
Bulga....one additional thought. I, too, am a "learner" - soaking up info has been a central part of my recovery. I went through a binge time on memoirs and other's recovery stories. I do several devotionals/meditations each day - the 5 things I write on my calendar every day, and cross off religiously are:
RR (Richard Rohr daily devotional/meditation email)
85-88/417 (read those pg of BB)
HALT
SR
Devo (daily devotional, right now from Keep It Simple: Daily Meditations for 12 Step Beginnings and Renewals)
BUT...my additional thought is that sometimes my brain gets tired. As someone(s) have noted, we don't learn or explain or "get" everything, right away...if ever. Personally, I think (plan) I will always keep growing. Sometimes, I have to put down the "learning" and just be. Understanding will come. You will keep "getting it" as you stay sober and keep going, and working a program.
Just as an aside- I am tired today. Have been for a couple of days, as much mentally as physically. I am pretty pissy, actually. I'm on day 236. I have a day off, wonderful plans with my boyfriend, a lot going on that's great and tough....basically, life. And I have to let my mind rest from most of it, today. Learning when I need to do that- and just stick to basics rather than lofty study- is key for me. Giving myself a break from the learning is just as important as doing the homework, as long as I stay sober.
Are you doing an actual program, plan? The focus on "intrinsic" knowledge and understanding is great....and also not a plan. IMO, it's an added layer of our sobriety and staying in that place.
Keep going- good luck.
Bulga....one additional thought. I, too, am a "learner" - soaking up info has been a central part of my recovery. I went through a binge time on memoirs and other's recovery stories. I do several devotionals/meditations each day - the 5 things I write on my calendar every day, and cross off religiously are:
RR (Richard Rohr daily devotional/meditation email)
85-88/417 (read those pg of BB)
HALT
SR
Devo (daily devotional, right now from Keep It Simple: Daily Meditations for 12 Step Beginnings and Renewals)
BUT...my additional thought is that sometimes my brain gets tired. As someone(s) have noted, we don't learn or explain or "get" everything, right away...if ever. Personally, I think (plan) I will always keep growing. Sometimes, I have to put down the "learning" and just be. Understanding will come. You will keep "getting it" as you stay sober and keep going, and working a program.
Just as an aside- I am tired today. Have been for a couple of days, as much mentally as physically. I am pretty pissy, actually. I'm on day 236. I have a day off, wonderful plans with my boyfriend, a lot going on that's great and tough....basically, life. And I have to let my mind rest from most of it, today. Learning when I need to do that- and just stick to basics rather than lofty study- is key for me. Giving myself a break from the learning is just as important as doing the homework, as long as I stay sober.
Are you doing an actual program, plan? The focus on "intrinsic" knowledge and understanding is great....and also not a plan. IMO, it's an added layer of our sobriety and staying in that place.
Keep going- good luck.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,983
Originally Posted by Bulgakova
Have you found any ways to improve this aspect of yourself?
sponsorship
visiting the psych ward
visiting the jails
visiting the halfway house
these actions generate a lot of gratitude and help me greatly while there
later it quickly wears off and i go back to bad thinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 31
Lots of content here and lots to chew on! I love it. It helps poke into dark corners I hadn't thought of.
Tetink--I spent most of last evening pouring over this rational recovery. You are correct, it is absolutely up my alley. It's full on cognitive behavioural therapy applied to our specific situation.
I've been looking at the forum a lot and have noticed that addiction/recovery struggles do have a lot of overlap with the type of thinking that gets one depressed/anxious. Magnification, labelling, all-or-nothing thinking, etc. Thanks for the idea--I love it.
Miss Perfumado-- I have just purchased a book on addiction physiology at the used book store! It's cued after my cognitive behavioural therapy book... Admittedly I have psych issues... ADHD, diagnosed way too late, and depression we are not sure if it is situational from struggling with lifelong issues of not knowing, or treating, the ADHD.
I so get that need to understand the physical. Knowing what you are up against is a beauty for game planning, for people like me anyway.
Sober Robster-- ah... work. I hear ya. I've always been a problem drinker, but things got particularly out of control when I found myself unable to cope with a particularly nasty work situation. Doesn't take much to understand-- chick in a 60 man, old school, very cowboy shop. After a year of full blown sexual harassment and discrimination from many sides, I really, really, lost my ****. I am also in therapy, and a lot has to do with this. Why I stayed, how I handled it, how to handle it if it ever occurs again.
August 25-- I guess I've been so excited about the learning I forgot to mention the other stuff. I've been getting into canning, got a monster pressure canner. And fermenting--kimchis, sauerkrauts, etc. Happy place is the kitchen lately.
There is also the gym, 1 hour + long stretch session, 5 days a week. I've always been to the gym, even in my worst of drunken madness. But it feels so different now... For one I'd be super hungover, often would finish the booze on the night stand, then smoke a joint, and hit the gym at the crack of dawn. Who does that??? Anyway, sober work-outs are The Bomb!
Aside silly thought: with all the reading, I had read about some people moving from one addiction to another, to things porn and extreme health nutting. Last time I was at the gym, I totally had that thought-- "oh man, what if one of those gym nut/porn addicts are here right now?" haha
Anyway, you are correct, looking into meditation looks like a good idea. As for programs, for now looking into rational recovery, and already with therapy. Also hubs has quit drinking with me and we keep each other in check.
Firsttymer-- good. Haven't spent full days in bed since this post. Trying mindfulness in hopes of gaining more appreciation for simple pleasures. All in all, given the circumstances, can't complain. Thanks for asking
And thanks so much, all respondents. Don't always have a response to what is said, but it all goes in the noggin. And the appreciation for companionship and understanding.
Tetink--I spent most of last evening pouring over this rational recovery. You are correct, it is absolutely up my alley. It's full on cognitive behavioural therapy applied to our specific situation.
I've been looking at the forum a lot and have noticed that addiction/recovery struggles do have a lot of overlap with the type of thinking that gets one depressed/anxious. Magnification, labelling, all-or-nothing thinking, etc. Thanks for the idea--I love it.
Miss Perfumado-- I have just purchased a book on addiction physiology at the used book store! It's cued after my cognitive behavioural therapy book... Admittedly I have psych issues... ADHD, diagnosed way too late, and depression we are not sure if it is situational from struggling with lifelong issues of not knowing, or treating, the ADHD.
I so get that need to understand the physical. Knowing what you are up against is a beauty for game planning, for people like me anyway.
Sober Robster-- ah... work. I hear ya. I've always been a problem drinker, but things got particularly out of control when I found myself unable to cope with a particularly nasty work situation. Doesn't take much to understand-- chick in a 60 man, old school, very cowboy shop. After a year of full blown sexual harassment and discrimination from many sides, I really, really, lost my ****. I am also in therapy, and a lot has to do with this. Why I stayed, how I handled it, how to handle it if it ever occurs again.
August 25-- I guess I've been so excited about the learning I forgot to mention the other stuff. I've been getting into canning, got a monster pressure canner. And fermenting--kimchis, sauerkrauts, etc. Happy place is the kitchen lately.
There is also the gym, 1 hour + long stretch session, 5 days a week. I've always been to the gym, even in my worst of drunken madness. But it feels so different now... For one I'd be super hungover, often would finish the booze on the night stand, then smoke a joint, and hit the gym at the crack of dawn. Who does that??? Anyway, sober work-outs are The Bomb!
Aside silly thought: with all the reading, I had read about some people moving from one addiction to another, to things porn and extreme health nutting. Last time I was at the gym, I totally had that thought-- "oh man, what if one of those gym nut/porn addicts are here right now?" haha
Anyway, you are correct, looking into meditation looks like a good idea. As for programs, for now looking into rational recovery, and already with therapy. Also hubs has quit drinking with me and we keep each other in check.
Firsttymer-- good. Haven't spent full days in bed since this post. Trying mindfulness in hopes of gaining more appreciation for simple pleasures. All in all, given the circumstances, can't complain. Thanks for asking
And thanks so much, all respondents. Don't always have a response to what is said, but it all goes in the noggin. And the appreciation for companionship and understanding.
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