New to this site, not new to codependency (relapse)

Old 10-12-2016, 05:34 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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New to this site, not new to codependency (relapse)

Hey everyone,

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this or responds. I just joined this site, but have known my addict since 2010. We were dating from 2010-2014, then took some time away from each other (I left him while he was still using) -- until this past June. During this time off, I continued Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sessions and learned to deal with my issues of codependency. He eventually got the help he needed (rehab), and started going to NA meetings. He started a 12-step program with a sponsor.

He relapsed twice since 2014. The first time I wasn't there for (technically) -- he told me about it and I remember feeling like he'd been high one of the two times we talked during our time away from one another. The second time, which was this past May (and around the time we reconciled and got back together), he went to a treatment program in Arizona for 90 days. He came back from the program in the beginning of this September 2016.

While away, he wrote me letters regularly and we talked on the phone once a week while he was in the program, and talked once every few days once he was transferred to a sober living house in the last month of treatment (he was given back his cell phone). When he came back, things were good but I still felt relatively detached. I felt I loved him, but didn't want to trust so easily, and even felt resentment and disgust at times towards him.

Fast-forward one more month. From late September to this October, I suddenly felt very attached to him and the relationship. It hit me that it seemed he'd made so much progress, and he sounded very committed to our relationship. We spent more time together.

He got a full-time job at a warehouse in early October, and things sort of changed after that. He didn't call back as much (which I was fine with until it seemed he genuinely was losing interest --- and this is when my old codependent ways kicked back in), and he overall seemed low energy and not as excited about seeing me. I chalked it up to him getting used to a life requiring balancing work, going to meetings, maintaining a newfound healthy lifestyle (going to the gym regularly and eating healthy), and working the 12-steps, all while maintaining contact with me and making plans with me on the weekends.

Also, last week I was having a lot of mental health issues of my own -- feelings of general depression (a mix of job-related stress and what I deem to probably be seasonal) and anxiety. When he didn't text back right away, I blew up his phone and called... I know, not very nice on my part. I guess I just felt him distancing and panicked.

Anyway, this led to us having a series of discussions. We finally had what I thought was a productive conversation about communication, being there for one another, yet also maintaining ourselves so that we don't fall into our old patterns (my codependency; his distancing himself, impatience, anger issues.) This was on Sunday.

He called me last night saying that after talking to his sponsor, he's decided we should break up. He says he's not ready for a relationship after all. I understand -- I'm sure his emotions are all in flux as he is newly navigating being sober once again (and on top of that, having new responsibilities to juggle, on top of having a girlfriend). I'm still feeling shocked by the news... and really upset. I know to give him his space (and I probably need mine, too), but I guess part of me is feeling upset for allowing myself to feel so attached to the relationship, and also scared that he is just running away from something that could be good.

Sorry for all the words, and thanks again to anyone who takes the time to read or respond.

girlhood is offline  
Old 10-12-2016, 06:12 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Dee74's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,739
Hi girlhood
You'll find a lot of experience help and support here.

I really believe if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. If it's not meant to be something better is out there

If you and your ex have a good and strong relationship, then chances are he will be back.

If its not good and strong then he's probably done you both a favour....

If you both use the time to work on yourselves, it can only help the relationship if you two get back together again

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Old 10-12-2016, 06:15 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Girlhood!!
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