Feeling out of control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Feeling out of control
Hi all. I'm new to this site and hoping to find support within its pages to help me kick my dependency on alcohol. I feel like this past weekend was a really terrible and I'm scared for myself and the implications this addiction will deal to me.
This past weekend I fell down the stairs, woke up passed out on the couch at 3am with wine in my hand, woke up again at 3am in my bedroom with all the lights on the next night. Picked fights with people who truly love me. Got upset at 5:30 am over something stupid and proceeded to finish of 3/4 a bottle of wine and then got into the vodka. Passed out. Missed several sweet phone calls and text messages from my loved ones who were probably thinking I was ignoring them. I didn't eat. I acted completely irrationally before bed last night and broke up with my boyfriend. And then I woke up very sick this morning and had to miss work.
I returned all my bottles on Saturday. It's Tuesday and I have six more to return. This is costing me so much money, and time with people who love me. I can't seem to spend any quality time with people because I crave being home with my addiction.
Typing all that out is embarrassing and hurtful. What am I doing? I don't want to be this person. I need to take the first step and stop this madness. I sincerely hope I can start today, and hope to spend some time on these pages finding that it possible.
Anyways. Thanks for listening, and hello.
This past weekend I fell down the stairs, woke up passed out on the couch at 3am with wine in my hand, woke up again at 3am in my bedroom with all the lights on the next night. Picked fights with people who truly love me. Got upset at 5:30 am over something stupid and proceeded to finish of 3/4 a bottle of wine and then got into the vodka. Passed out. Missed several sweet phone calls and text messages from my loved ones who were probably thinking I was ignoring them. I didn't eat. I acted completely irrationally before bed last night and broke up with my boyfriend. And then I woke up very sick this morning and had to miss work.
I returned all my bottles on Saturday. It's Tuesday and I have six more to return. This is costing me so much money, and time with people who love me. I can't seem to spend any quality time with people because I crave being home with my addiction.
Typing all that out is embarrassing and hurtful. What am I doing? I don't want to be this person. I need to take the first step and stop this madness. I sincerely hope I can start today, and hope to spend some time on these pages finding that it possible.
Anyways. Thanks for listening, and hello.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Sobriety date 7/15/2015
Posts: 13,350
Welcome to the site and I hope you find the support and encouragement you need here. The first step is to realize it's a problem you can't beat and have a desire to stop. Many, like myself have found success with AA. You don't have to drink anymore.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Ashlee,
Hi and welcome.
You have come to a good place.
Booze is hard to quit w out a good reason.
I had a medical scare and haven't had a drink in 17 months.
Consider yourself lucky, on parole, and stop immediately.
If you were in jail would you drink?
Read the stickies.
Realize you are an addict. It is not a mysterious force. It is science.
Get ready for some mental difficulty.
When you crave, eat. Also eat candy when you crave. It tricks the brain.
Others will be along to offer support and advice.
Hi and welcome.
You have come to a good place.
Booze is hard to quit w out a good reason.
I had a medical scare and haven't had a drink in 17 months.
Consider yourself lucky, on parole, and stop immediately.
If you were in jail would you drink?
Read the stickies.
Realize you are an addict. It is not a mysterious force. It is science.
Get ready for some mental difficulty.
When you crave, eat. Also eat candy when you crave. It tricks the brain.
Others will be along to offer support and advice.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
Originally Posted by Ashlee609 
I need to take the first step and stop this madness.
welcome and God bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 315
Welcome, Ashlee. You're among people who understand and care. I myself just joined this site a little over a month ago. I've had more sober time in that time than I have in over seven years, with, unfortunately, two 4 day relapses mixed in that stretch as well. Like you, this past weekend was bad. Very bad. I literally don't remember about 2/3 of it. I'm horrified, but I can't change what I did. I can choose a different future, though.
What you'll get here is a lot of support mixed with some tough love and awesome advice. If you fail, pick yourself up and adjust your sobriety plan. I adjusted after my last bender and was able to work through a craving today, thankfully.
Stick around, read, and post. Welcome again.
What you'll get here is a lot of support mixed with some tough love and awesome advice. If you fail, pick yourself up and adjust your sobriety plan. I adjusted after my last bender and was able to work through a craving today, thankfully.
Stick around, read, and post. Welcome again.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Good to meet you, Ashlee. Never be embarrassed to talk things over here. We want to help - we've all been through it.
I was behaving in the same way before I quit. I was reckless and stupid - never knew where those drinks were going to take me. In fact, it was actually dangerous to be so unaware of my actions. I had tried to many times to use willpower to control how many drinks I'd have - it never worked once. Stopping all together was my only option. It's wonderful to be free of it. You can do this.
I was behaving in the same way before I quit. I was reckless and stupid - never knew where those drinks were going to take me. In fact, it was actually dangerous to be so unaware of my actions. I had tried to many times to use willpower to control how many drinks I'd have - it never worked once. Stopping all together was my only option. It's wonderful to be free of it. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your kind words. I've been struggling the last hour. There's a voice in my head trying to reason with me to get me to go pour a drink. You shouldn't stop cold turkey, it will help with the shakes, it'll kill some time and you won't be bored....
I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I've faced in my life. I can only hope that one hour turns into two, and I'm still sipping my water. Hopefully the struggle gets easier with time. Isn't that the truth with all things?
I am a really strong person, so I know I can do this. But geez that voice in my head. Like, whose is it? Because I am sitting here fully present typing out to strangers in a sober recovery forum. Obviously I've made a decision not to drink. Go away voice, you are not welcome here.
I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I've faced in my life. I can only hope that one hour turns into two, and I'm still sipping my water. Hopefully the struggle gets easier with time. Isn't that the truth with all things?
I am a really strong person, so I know I can do this. But geez that voice in my head. Like, whose is it? Because I am sitting here fully present typing out to strangers in a sober recovery forum. Obviously I've made a decision not to drink. Go away voice, you are not welcome here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome Ashlee 
I think you've made a great decision - I got to the point where I simply didn;t want to be 'that person' anymore....
There's tons of support and good ideas here
D
I think you've made a great decision - I got to the point where I simply didn;t want to be 'that person' anymore....
There's tons of support and good ideas here
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Welcome, Ashlee!
I hated the person I'd become. Like you, my life became smaller and smaller because I preferred to be home alone, drinking. Have faith that you can do this. My suggestions for the early days are to make sure you have no alcohol in the house, change your daily routine, and work on a plan for recovery. We're here for you.
I hated the person I'd become. Like you, my life became smaller and smaller because I preferred to be home alone, drinking. Have faith that you can do this. My suggestions for the early days are to make sure you have no alcohol in the house, change your daily routine, and work on a plan for recovery. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by Ashlee609
Thank you all for your kind words. I've been struggling the last hour. There's a voice in my head trying to reason with me to get me to go pour a drink. You shouldn't stop cold turkey, it will help with the shakes, it'll kill some time and you won't be bored....
I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I've faced in my life. I can only hope that one hour turns into two, and I'm still sipping my water. Hopefully the struggle gets easier with time. Isn't that the truth with all things?
I am a really strong person, so I know I can do this. But geez that voice in my head. Like, whose is it? Because I am sitting here fully present typing out to strangers in a sober recovery forum. Obviously I've made a decision not to drink. Go away voice, you are not welcome here.
I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I've faced in my life. I can only hope that one hour turns into two, and I'm still sipping my water. Hopefully the struggle gets easier with time. Isn't that the truth with all things?
I am a really strong person, so I know I can do this. But geez that voice in my head. Like, whose is it? Because I am sitting here fully present typing out to strangers in a sober recovery forum. Obviously I've made a decision not to drink. Go away voice, you are not welcome here.
Welcome to SR Ashlee
Now is the time to do LOTS of reading around the site, and if you feel like stepping away do something to keep yourself busy or do something to pamper yourself like a nap or a warm bath or shower, nice walk outside, bit of netflix binging.
If you look at the different forums on the site you can learn about different recovery programs people use, Dee also has a link for recovery plans, I'm sure it'll get linked or someone will bump it for you. There's a 24 hour thread that you can commit to 24 hours of sobriety with a whole bunch of us, there is an October class you can join for support... there is lots of awesome support here.
You CAN do this. Don't listen to that voice- you're right, it's not you.
Lean on SR lots until you get your legs back under you and some traction in the direction you want to take.
As it's often said around these halls, you don't ever have to feel this way again.
And you are not alone.
The end of my drinking career was full of all kinds of awful, terrifying and dangerous fireworks too. Be kind to yourself. Fear, shame, self-pity, ego, all those types of things lead us back to drinking. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself you love you. And that you love you enough to work on forgiving yourself. Because you're worth that much and much more.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I ate lots of sweets in the early days of my sobriety.
I tried to keep it clean w yogurt and granola.
But, I also had cookies and sugary drinks. It helps w the crave.
Now clean for a good while, unfortunately I am still a sugar junkie....not as bad as before though...and it is better than being a drunk.
Snack when you crave.
It gets better.
I tried to keep it clean w yogurt and granola.
But, I also had cookies and sugary drinks. It helps w the crave.
Now clean for a good while, unfortunately I am still a sugar junkie....not as bad as before though...and it is better than being a drunk.
Snack when you crave.
It gets better.
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