Devastated
 

Hi everyone - it's been a while since I posted. My drinking has not improved much, even with the help of a therapist during the last month or two. During that time, things have gotten increasingly stressful within my household. We are struggling with our son's ADHD as his homework has increased dramatically in 5th grade. My husband still won't address his own ADHD and makes everyday life more difficult.

I've realized I need to get better help with my drinking so I found a great organization comprised of certified recovery specialists who are themselves in long-term recovery and they work on one one with clients to help them develop better tools to sustain recovery such as stress management, communication, etc. My first appointment is this Wednesday with my coach, Frank. They also offer Smart Recovery classes which I'm going to attend too. This is the most hope I have right now in my life.

My husband told me yesterday point blank that his relationship with his son is more important than our marriage. He's unwilling to do any work on his end - he's rather spend time playing Pokemon Go with my son, driving around while doing so (extremely dangerous), getting into fits of anger and otherwise just checking out of being in a marriage. This is not how I saw my marriage unfolding 15 years ago when we married. I now realize I don't have a marriage. I gave him a son thinking it's us a couple first but he now has a best friend. But before I can tackle getting out of this dysfunctional relationship, I have to get sober. My son deserves it and I deserve it.

One thing the therapist I've been seeing said was that before I help my son, I have to put my own oxygen mask on (taking care of my health and getting sober).

This is where I'm at and just trying to absorb the fact that my life is going to need to change drastically to keep my health and sanity. One day at a time I guess. Anyone else out there with a child centered marriage or this type of situation? I feel very alone.

Hi BB,

I'm sorry that you have all the drama going on in your family.
Your therapist is quite right. You have to stop drinking before you can start making things better. It is the foundation that we ALL had to start with before building upon our lives.
Sobriety at first is actually quite self centered at first. It has to be you first, then others later. You have to focus all of your energy on sobriety.
Reach the goal, and you will be rewarded greatly.
Things will seem to fall into place. Obstacles that seemed impossible to get by will only be a normal every day challenge.
You can do this. Get that foundation built, then work from the bottom up.

Hi BB,

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. As moms I think we often forget that we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else.

The new therapy program sounds great, looking forward to hearing how it goes!

I drank for 40 years, and almost destroyed my relationships with my Wife and 2 children. I absolutely would NOT accept the primary tenet of the program Alcoholics Anonymous - most (actually it turned out all) my problems were because of a Spiritual Malady.

I did NOT fix myself ... as the book Alcoholics Anonymous says, when the Spiritual Malady straightened out, thru working the 12 Steps of AA, everything straightened out (Improved Miraculously).

If, or when, ALL ELSE fails ... try WORKING the 12 Steps of AA.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and it came about thru WORKING the 12 Steps ... It is a PROMISE that EVERYTHING in LIFE will improve

BeanieBaby, my 12 year old son has struggled in school since day one. Fortunately, now in middle school, he seems to have turned the corner and is finally "getting it" and catching up. What a relief!

I sobered up when he was in 4th grade. If I hadn't, neither one of us would have made it through 5th grade! It was a particularly difficult year with a lot of work needing to be done at home.

I'm reiterating what's already been said. Not drinking will help you deal with everything, especially organizing and doing the schoolwork.
It sounds like you have a lot of plans in place - you need to execute them.

I hope the new therapy will help BeanieBaby.

Often when we think there are no solutions to our life's problems we turn to the default and drink - hopefully this new thing will help you find, and use, some new tools?

D

Thanks to all for their advice and encouragement. I've made big steps this week toward a sustained recovery - I met with Frank my sober coach and we are going to put together a plan re: my goal to give up drinking and all the little steps I need to take/change to make that happen re: lifestyle. I also chose a new therapist yesterday who deals in both substance abuse and ADHD. We agreed to work one on one first to deal with the emotional/thinking aspects of alcohol addition and recovery. Then he will work with my son on his ADHD and our family situation.

Today was really tough. My son was home from school (holiday) and since my husband works there too they both were home - he didn't give my son his meds so when I walked the half hour home to help him with his homework, it was just a disaster to get him to focus. The tension in our house is so thick you can cut it. Everyone says not to make big lifestyle changes in your first year of sobriety but I'd like nothing more than than just get my own place for a couple of months to get my sanity. I don't know what's worse - the environment in our house or my son having to see us separate. Anyway, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I was so frustrated with homework, I eventually went upstairs and had a good cry. My son came in looking for football gear and asked me what was wrong. I just said it was a stressful day and I'm worried that he needs to focus on doing his work for school. He just gave me a big hug. He sure knows my husband and I aren't getting along. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. My birthday is this Friday - I'll be 51. This feels like the worst time of my life.

I second this motion. AA is what worked for me and I just celebrated my 25th sobriety birthday. Give it a try. If you don't think you have time for this, ask yourself how much time you spend drinking.

It sounds like you're making a good plan to help you with not drinking and staying sober. And, you have a plan for therapy for your son and your family. There is hope that those things will help. Raising children, especially as they gain more independence, is a really hard job. I'm not sure any mother ever feels that she did enough or did the right things. I think it's very important to remember that you need to take care of yourself during this time.