Another night of horror, scared
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
What ended my last relapse is flipping out on my husband late one night when he came back from getting more beer for us. I don't remember any of it, but it spilled out into our back yard and I even found out much later the neighbours had heard.
That was my wakeup and as far as I could stand to go with my drinking so I started doing the things I needed to do to get and stay sober. Things like coming back to SR regularly, going back to AA and working the program in my life again.
It was not at all easy at first, but I can't tell you what a relief it is now to be away from all that.
That was my wakeup and as far as I could stand to go with my drinking so I started doing the things I needed to do to get and stay sober. Things like coming back to SR regularly, going back to AA and working the program in my life again.
It was not at all easy at first, but I can't tell you what a relief it is now to be away from all that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
Hi Tryig,
Oh boy, I have so been where you are now and I know exactly what you are going through, the shame, self revulsion, horror, hoplessness, not knowing or remembering what you said, trying to figure out why it happened and the constant constant apologies.
Then would come the control, the next time I have a drink I will limit it to one or two, or next time I will have a spritzer and for a while it works. The nights go by calmly the odd drink here or there, all good, I can handle this then BOOM it happens all over again.
More promises, apologies, excuses, self loathing/disgust, maybe a therapist will help, I know join a gym and get physically fit fit fit, change of focus should work a treat and so it does until BOOM back there again.
The mournful looks turn to looks of disgust, the shame intensifies as every word and action is recounted back, the shock the disbelief, the SHAME, ever stronger, the pleading for forgiveness more and more plaintive, the desperation begins to take hold.
A trip to the hypnotist, please make me stop at 2 glasses max (still in denial that total abstinence is the only answer) add some accupuncture, only drink at weekends to only drink when out of the home....... then BOOM back there again.
The desperation intensifies, panic sets in, anxiety, fear - the prayers start, the promises more frequent, the guilt and shame ramp up until you become a shadow of the person you once were, paranoia steps in, the fear that everyone knows what you are really like, things that once were easy become insurmountable, decisions become based upon how bad the recent incident had been (I bought a house I hated out of guilt, to make it up to my ex), you cling on, relieved, a clear week, no catastrophe, phew..... then BOOM it happens again only this time consequences, the sighs and mournful looks are replaced by anger and action, you come to and wonder how you got those bruises round your neck, the split lip, the broken jaw...... trying to remember what you said to cause such a violent response, piecing it together.....
Where did the woman who once said that if a man should ever lay one finger on her in anger she would end the relationship go? This same woman sitting there being told "you're to blame, you made me do, this it's all your fault"and you believe it, you deserve it, riddled with fear and self loathing and hopelessness you realise its either change or die ...... and that is when you hit rock bottom and finally admit you are powerless over alcohol, you have no control over where that one glass will lead and you have no power over who you will become and what you will say when drinking..
In AA they call it Step One and that was where I was when I first came to this site back in March.
I had finally submitted, it took me 5 long tortuous years to get here, 5 years I would never wish to repeat, if only I had jumped off sooner for as you can see, the situation never got better but progressively worse.
Stay with us here, learn as much as you can from the wisdom of the people on this site, post frequently and join if you can the October class where you will meet people at a similar level of sobriety..
Sending you blessings and hugs . Elle
Oh boy, I have so been where you are now and I know exactly what you are going through, the shame, self revulsion, horror, hoplessness, not knowing or remembering what you said, trying to figure out why it happened and the constant constant apologies.
Then would come the control, the next time I have a drink I will limit it to one or two, or next time I will have a spritzer and for a while it works. The nights go by calmly the odd drink here or there, all good, I can handle this then BOOM it happens all over again.
More promises, apologies, excuses, self loathing/disgust, maybe a therapist will help, I know join a gym and get physically fit fit fit, change of focus should work a treat and so it does until BOOM back there again.
The mournful looks turn to looks of disgust, the shame intensifies as every word and action is recounted back, the shock the disbelief, the SHAME, ever stronger, the pleading for forgiveness more and more plaintive, the desperation begins to take hold.
A trip to the hypnotist, please make me stop at 2 glasses max (still in denial that total abstinence is the only answer) add some accupuncture, only drink at weekends to only drink when out of the home....... then BOOM back there again.
The desperation intensifies, panic sets in, anxiety, fear - the prayers start, the promises more frequent, the guilt and shame ramp up until you become a shadow of the person you once were, paranoia steps in, the fear that everyone knows what you are really like, things that once were easy become insurmountable, decisions become based upon how bad the recent incident had been (I bought a house I hated out of guilt, to make it up to my ex), you cling on, relieved, a clear week, no catastrophe, phew..... then BOOM it happens again only this time consequences, the sighs and mournful looks are replaced by anger and action, you come to and wonder how you got those bruises round your neck, the split lip, the broken jaw...... trying to remember what you said to cause such a violent response, piecing it together.....
Where did the woman who once said that if a man should ever lay one finger on her in anger she would end the relationship go? This same woman sitting there being told "you're to blame, you made me do, this it's all your fault"and you believe it, you deserve it, riddled with fear and self loathing and hopelessness you realise its either change or die ...... and that is when you hit rock bottom and finally admit you are powerless over alcohol, you have no control over where that one glass will lead and you have no power over who you will become and what you will say when drinking..
In AA they call it Step One and that was where I was when I first came to this site back in March.
I had finally submitted, it took me 5 long tortuous years to get here, 5 years I would never wish to repeat, if only I had jumped off sooner for as you can see, the situation never got better but progressively worse.
Stay with us here, learn as much as you can from the wisdom of the people on this site, post frequently and join if you can the October class where you will meet people at a similar level of sobriety..
Sending you blessings and hugs . Elle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Wow, Elle, you really described my story here. Only reminds me NOT to drink even if I think I am "fine" because it will most likely end the same way. So next time i feel the need to drink, i will remind myself that.
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